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masterghandalfThis is a repost from Das_sporking2. Previous installments of this sporking may be found here.
Warning: This chapter contains a brief scene of torture.
MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Ed Greenwood’s All Shadows Fled! Last time, we had an interlude at a Sembian country estate as the Malaugrym Storm was chasing concealed himself in a fancy dinner party and she ended up having to ferret him out from among various bit characters (oh, and there was a second Malaugrym there too for some reason). Today, it’s time to check in with what literally everyone else in the story has been up to (except, thankfully, for Elminster, who is still “dead”). Joining us once again will be Errezha and Calassara!
Chapter Fifteen: Travel Far, See Much – and Try To Survive
Errezha: An apt summary of the traveling life… alas that my only other option was remaining in Egorian with my insufferable, sometimes murderous relations… such is life, it seems. Where were we? Ah yes, Greenwood. Well, at least we’re almost done with this sorry excuse for a story… And we open with someone we’ve seen before, as it happens:
In a place of shifting shadows, behind hidden doors, in the heart of the ancient castle of the Malaugrym, was a light. The bright, glowing eye of a scrying portal floated in the murk, reflected from the tentacled face of a watchful figure bent over it … a figure whose skin was as dark and ever-shifting as the sliding shadows themselves.
His eyes, however, were two bright flames, and the doomstars winked brightly as they spun endlessly about his wrist.
Errezha: *rolls her eyes* Oh, whoever could this mysterious personage be? The watcher studies the doomstars for a moment and then comments idly about how so many of his kin are fools and Ahorga and Lunquar deserved what they got. Now, now. It’s not their fault Greenwood decided it was their turn to be derailed into one-dimensional villains so they could be slaughtered by his pet Chosen! He watches Storm for a while in his scrying portal until she arrives at a merchant camp and waves away their concern with a kind, weary smile – spare me – and then changes the image so he’s now watching three figures in leather fighting a somewhat larger number in black armor, and of course, the ones in leather (I think we know who they are, too…) are winning. And indeed, we have confirmation that the watcher is unsurprised that three who fought their way out of the Castle of Shadows could manage such a feat (oh, please – they had Sylune helping them out for that). The watcher then smiles – though the narration feels the need to stress that he’s not actually amused – and the scene ends as he melds into the shadows. It was time to do what had to be done. Oh, how ominous and not at all buildup that Greenwood will end up utterly squandering somehow!
Calassara: And so, we cut to Faerun, northwest Elven Court woods, Flamerule 26 where our three rangers are having an argument, apparently about how many people they’ve killed lately. *flatly* Charming. Belkram boasts that he’s killed Seven Zhentilar and one orc… oh, and that snake, with Sylune mocking him for the last bit. “I,” Itharr said triumphantly, “stand ahead of you. My valiant blade has accounted for eleven Zhent deserters, one brigand, and three fingers off the left hand of another brigand!” I mean, should we really be surprised that Itharr is the most murderous of our little band? He has plenty of practice, apparently… *she shudders* Sharantyr just groans about how men will be boys (you’re no better! Maybe gender isn’t the common denominator here?), and then is left wondering how anyone wears armor for days on end, which apparently, they’ve been doing (generally speaking… you don’t; you are all going to be so sore…).
Apparently, however, they’re now approaching somewhere they can get rest and hot baths, though Sharantyr has to warn Itharr against trampling over someone’s crops on the way there. They argue for a bit, and Belkram breaks in to start fantasizing about food, and it’s made very clear that everyone is exhausted. They end up arguing some more about whether they could have eaten the snake Belkram killed, to Sharantyr’s annoyance since she’s sick of talking about killing things.
Belkram gave her a look. “Well, let’s see—there are other topics: butchering monsters for the stew pot, burning helpless villages, pillage, ra—”
“Death it is,” Sharantyr said firmly. “Only a few hundred more paces now. Talk to me of death.”
Calassara: …I remain utterly bewildered as to what Sharantyr sees in either of them. And was that almost a rape joke, Greenwood? Damn you to the lowest depths of the Abyss for that if it was! *she sighs* I think I’m becoming as irritable as the characters in the story… Itharr threatens to fall asleep where he’s standing, but Sharantyr wants to keep him marching towards their destination, while complaining about men (because of course Greenwood must trot out that old canard; Sharantyr, dear, they’re not acting like this because they’re men, they’re acting like this because they’re idiots).
Errezha: *muttering* Can’t it be both? Belkram complains loudly to the gods that Sharantyr noticed (noticed… what? That he’s a man? That he’s obnoxious? Sadly, the latter doesn’t seem to have quite penetrated yet!) leading to Itharr observing that the gods aren’t there anymore and that’s the problem, before they start reminiscing about Elminster. Which leads an old guard – who I believe appeared literally out of nowhere – to sadly observe that Elminster is indeed dead, and so will the rest of them be if they don’t identify themselves. At last, someone I can sympathize with (aside from inexplicably mourning Elminster, of course…); alas, Sylune materializes and the guard recognizes her (apparently he never forget(s) a fair-looking female because he too is a dirty old man), which is apparently enough to convince him they’re indeed Mourngrym’s patrol and let them pass, with much stammering and apologizing. As they head on in towards Shadowdale, Sharantyr complains that they can’t ever get this tired again, while Belkram blames the Zhents. They pass a man named Hammerhand Bucko and no, I’m not making that up, who welcomes them back to town, and then run into a morose-looking Lhaeo – who is happy to see them, proving that his taste in company has not improved in his master’s absence.
Calassara: *scolding* Errezha, that was… actually, I honestly can’t disagree with that? Sylune has Belkram pass her stone to Lhaeo so he can take her to Storm, since they need to talk. He does so, and then the rangers head off towards the Twisted Tower, describing at length how tired they are, and Savored Sting, Greenwood, I get the idea! Approaching the tower, they find it guarded by seven soldiers in gleaming armor they’ve not seen before; Itharr wearily asks them to stand aside, but the new guards are not amused.
“And who are you three?” the centermost guard asked coolly. “Travelers generally stay at the Old Skull Inn—at the crossroads, down there. Beggars had best go to the temples … there’s a house of Tymora just across the river, there.”
Calassara: Well, I have to say… what did you expect? You don’t know them, and they clearly don’t know you! At this latest setback, Sharantyr nearly collapses from exhaustion, while Itharr insists they have chambers in the tower; the guards don’t believe them, and they’ve not heard of Sharantyr, either (they’ve not heard of one of Greenwood’s oh-so-special Knights? I’m genuinely in shock!). It turns out that the guards, of course, are all new hires from a place called Westgate and Itharr guesses they were trained by Belgard, apparently a retired mercenary who trains hired guards known for their efficiency and cruelty. And apparently, they’ve not been briefed properly, since Sharantyr is a reasonably prominent citizen of Shadowdale, as much as I joke, and was currently running errands for Mourngrym. They should have been told to expect her! The guards order them to clear off, and Belkram says he’s starting to get annoyed (oh no! Belkram is getting annoyed! Whatever shall we do?). And indeed, the guard captain is clearly unimpressed at being threatened by this bedraggled, exhausted man we’ve been repeatedly told is barely holding himself upright. I really can’t blame him.
Errezha: Nor I, though I do wonder just what the point of all this is… unless the guard is actually a Malaugrym in disguise, I fail to see one. Itharr demands to see Mourngrym, but the captain says Mourngrym isn’t here – how very convenient! The captain thinks they’re brigands in disguise and plans to lock them up – and hang them from the bars, so they won’t even get a chance to lie down in the cells! Belkram again insists they’re not brigands, the captain again refuses to let him past, and I do think we’ve done all this before! The captain then seems to decide they’re not worth arresting after all and orders one of his men to get rid of them; the man grabs Belkram, who shows off his Harper pin. At which point… the guards decide they’ve clearly stolen Harper pins and decide to beat them and take them back! *facepalm* I’m so torn – for once I’m glad that someone is treating Greenwood’s pets with the respect they deserve (none), but on the other hand this idiocy is going on for far too long, and the guards are clearly morons. Well, the guard, Aldus, tries to take Belkram’s pin and gets grabbed by Sharantyr, rammed into a post and knocked out for his trouble. She asks who’s next, and five of the guards charge, against their captain’s orders. *facepalm, again* Prince of Laws spare me… Sharantyr quickly trips two of them and takes down the third… I think with a kick to the groin, it’s rather unclear? The remaining two grab her, but are quickly defeated by Belkram and Itharr. The captain has only two men left and they advance cautiously, but before Sharantyr can react Belkram has already disarmed the captain and grabbed him by the throat, telling him to call off his men (what’s left of them…) from attacking Sharantyr or he’ll rip the man’s throat out. *beat* With… his bare hands, I suppose? I’ll admit, I was not expecting that today…
Calassara: *weakly* Yes, this does seem to have escalated rather quickly, doesn’t it? The captain manages to call for aid, saying he’s being attacked; Belkram, who is disgusted (as far as I can tell, the captain said nothing but the truth!) slams him face-first into the cobblestones and knocks him out, too. He grabs the captain’s sword, only to turn around and find that Sharantyr tripped backwards over some of the other unconscious guards, and now Itharr is trying to hold off the two remaining guards to protect her *facepalm* Everyone in this scene – all of them – are so blisteringly incompetent I can’t quite believe it… Belkram charges at the two guards and manages to take down one of them, and then when the last one turns to Belkram, Itharr knocks him out from behind, into the realm of dreams. *she sighs* If only that’s where we were going, too… They manage to help Sharantyr up, just as Shaerl and Thurbal, the overall captain of Mourngrym’s guards, come walking out, discussing how they don’t think the new guards are well trained. *flatly* Ha. Ha. “I couldn’t agree more,” Belkram snarled, cradling Sharantyr’s head against his shoulder. “Aye,” Itharr agreed, casting a guard’s sword to the tiles at Thurbal’s feet. “Next time you hire seven dolts from Belgard, be sure he remembers to send their brains along with them!” *sighs, facepalms* Well, Thurbal is left staring in shock, while Shaerl calls for a new guard squad and servants, chairs food and a large bath for the Rangers Three. Belkram says it’s all impressive, right before passing out, and we get a lot of hilarious banter between Sharantyr, Shaerl, and some servants about whether they should eat, bathe or sleep first.
Errezha: *muttering* Any of which would be more pleasant than this story! Once inside, Shaerl has the servants start stripping the rangers’ armor off, and the air quickly filled with flying pieces of armor, which seems quite unsafe from my perspective. More servants bring in a large tub, and Shaerl helps lower all three rangers into it before stripping off her gown and joining them while, of course, the guards and servants all ogle her *facepalm* Has Greenwood considered that most women don’t appreciate that sort of thing? *she sighs* Apologizes. The preceding bout of stupidity has me rather… on edge today for some reason. Shaerl calls for soap and goes to work on the rangers herself, while setting a female servant to wash Sharantyr’s hair.
So it was that when Purk bustled up at the head of a procession bringing platters of hot fowl from the kitchens, he found three rangers, grimy and snoring, slumped over asleep in the huge bath, and the lady of the tower in their midst, as bare as the day she was born, scrubbing and rinsing for all she was worth.
Errezha: And of course as he’s left staring in shock at this scene, Shaerl tells him to strip off his clothes and join them! *beat* Dare I even ask how big that tub is? Dare I ask why Mourngrym has a tub that big? Anyway, Purk is also to be ready to feed the rangers as soon as they wake up – how exactly he’s supposed to do that while bathing I’m less sure about – except Shaerl wants some of the wine already, this is thirsty work! *flatly* Ha. Ha. A kitchen boy – who came with Purk, I guess? – hands her the bottle, and then she tells him to get in the tub and start scrubbing too! Greenwood… what even is this scene? Meanwhile, down on the stairs, some of the guards are, ah, gossiping about the situation:
The first said, “The lady’s passion for bathing is crazed! Have they all washed their wits out of their heads in Cormyr? What’s wrong with just going down to the millpond when your stink starts to drive the dogs away?”
Errezha: Well, personally, I do appreciate a quite thorough scrubbing – these books tend to make me feel the need to do so rather intently, in fact! Though otherwise, I don’t think he’s wrong about Shaerl being crazed… this is getting excessive! And indeed from up the stairs they hear Shaerl calling for more water, as the scene finally comes to an end. *bitterly* Ha. Ha. Ha. Laugh, damn you!
Calassara: *edging away from her* I’d rather not, if it’s all the same? We cut to Tower of Mortoth, Sembia, Flamerule 26 where Bralatar and Lorgyn return through their portal from the Castle of Shadows; they’re pleased that it worked, and Lorgyn brought his wand and his favorite food back with him, while Bralatar brought some wine and… a chest of coins, I think? They then turn towards their captives, Mortoth and his apprentices (who apparently are those misogynist wizards from a few chapters ago, as well as poor Irendue); the note that Mortoh looks especially emaciated and is more drained than the others, and wonder if it’s because he’s the most powerful, or because they put him in first. They worry that the apprentices may not be strong enough to sustain the portal, in which case if Mortoth dies, they’re stranded. Bralatar thinks they’ll have plenty of time to go mage-hunting, then turns back to Irendue and wonders if they should free her for a little dalliance tonight. *blanches visibly* Greenwood, you’ve included some very dark and disturbing things in these books, but if you go that far… and make us watch, gods help us all… I will find you. Ahem. Lorgyn, thankfully, doesn’t think it’s a good idea, since Irendue is a mage and she knows how all the magic in this place works and could easily turn on them given the chance. Bralatar points out that they still haven’t figured out how to control all of the estate’s protections, and thinks that’s more reason to pull Irendue out and question her – questioning does not sound like what you were planning on doing! Lorgyn thinks she’d probably start throwing magic at them the moment she’s lucid, and Bralatar has… ideas.
“Strip her to take away any magic she carries, tie her hands together to stop her casting spells, and with the same rope hang her down the privy shaft. Dangle her just above the water, where we can threaten her with the things in the moat. Then each of us stretch a tentacle down there with her; mine with an eye to watch her closely—so she knows we’re seeing what she does—and yours to hold your wand trained right on her!”
Calassara: Greenwood… you’re putting far too much thought into this! Lorgyn thinks it over, decides to find some rope *waspishly* you’re a shapeshifter; make some! – and the scene comes to an end.
Errezha: We cut to Shadowdale, Flamerule 27, so a day later, I believe, where Argast comments on how the name “Shadowdale” is auspicious – it’s also where Elminster lived, where many of their kind died, and where he thinks they should start their conquest. Amdramnar thinks it’s pretty and will make a good slave farm, and then the two of them complain for a bit about how they apparently got stuck in some quicksand on the way here (really, now!) and apparently Amdramnar still has grit in… uncomfortable places. Apparently, last night Amdramnar interrogated – and ate – a man from Hillsfar, who never shut up about Great Lord Malthiir and the cursed Zhents but he did learn that wherever they go in these lands, they’ll likely have to deal with guards. Argast wants to sneak in as an animal, such as an eel, but Amdramnar wants to talk to someone, to make sure of things like whether Elminster is really dead (oh, he’s not, but it’s not like the people around here know that…) and decides they should claim to be mages from some eastern land.
“Going to ask Elminster—about some strange shapeshifting beings our master Dundifolus of the Sixteen Unlit Black Candles saw. He’d come himself, but they changed both his feet into fish fins, and he hasn’t yet managed to reverse the strange enchantment!”
Errezha: *sighs, rubs her forehead* Really, now? Have we not had enough stupid “comedy” this chapter? Argast asks if Amdramnar really expects anyone to believe that, and he admits he’ll tone it down, but he thinks they should pretend to be the apprentices of some important mage looking for Elminster, and Malaugrym are immune to having their minds read, in any case (except, apparently, by Elminster…). And so, they end up sneaking into Shadowdale from the east, disguised as a wizard’s servants from Hillsfar… and just happen to pass the “Rangers Three” *ugh* as they head out on patrol once again. By the humor of the gods, neither band saw the other. Ah, yes, how very ironic. In any case, the scene ends there.
Calassara: And so we cut back to Tower of Mortoth, Sembia, Flamerule 27 as poor Irendue begs for mercy as the Malaugrym haul her back up through the privy hole, as they’ve apparently done several times now. Bralatar gloats for a bit as he wraps her in his tentacles and shoves her into the cold embrace of the flames that did not burn and pulls her back out, claiming this is mercy since the fire didn’t actually burn her. Lorgyn finishes arranging her body back in the device and reports that the portal is still working fine. The two of them settle themselves in Mortoth’s study, toast each other and start eating their roast shadowbeast while discussing how apparently their “interrogation” went well. The wench certainly knows how to talk with a wand nearly down her gullet! *weakly* Greenwood, was that meant to sound so obscene, or…? But Irendue is apparently learned and knows many secrets, enough to impress Lorgyn; Bralatar asks if he’s looking for a mate (oh, gods, no…) but he’s not, he just thinks her knowledge makes her a valuable resource they can’t afford to throw away. In less than a day, they’ve already learned a great deal about the Realms and its wizards.
“You speak truth … she yielded much to us, and swiftly. Enough for me to conclude we’d best avoid Thay, the islands Lantan and Nimbral, and the slave keepers—Calimshan, that was the name—until we know a lot more about Faerûn. These Red Wizards’ll bear a lot of watching. They could be almost as much trouble as Elminster was. The Zhentarim, on the other hand, seem more persistent than competent. Would you say that sums up what she said?”
MG: Nimbral, I think we’ve mentioned briefly before in Making of a Mage, is a very isolationist magocracy whose wizards specialize in illusions, located in Faerun’s southern oceans. It maintains formal relations only with its ally and fellow magocracy Halruaa, and considering Halruaa itself is already very isolationist, that should tell you something about how closed to outsiders Nimbral is. So yeah, probably a place best avoided, though I’m kind of impressed Irendue even knew enough to warn the Malaugrym away from it. Lantan, meanwhile, is known for its technological advancements. Although I am kind of amused that even the other villains don’t think much of the Zhents; at this point, Greenwood has got to be doing that on purpose.
Calassara: *sigh* Probably. Lorgyn thinks that as long as they keep their heads down, all of Faerun will be theirs for the taking and wonders about whether he and Bralatar should split the Realms between them. Bralatar wants to see more of Faerun before he commits to that, and they agree the best way to do that is to hunt down more wizards! And not stopping there. “Chasing down and slaughtering,” Bralatar said with a sudden flame in his eyes, “any humans we fancy.” And on that suddenly murderous note, the chapter comes to an end.
MG: This chapter… is pretty bad, not going to lie. First off, we’re almost done with the last book of the trilogy, but Greenwood thinks that we need to spend more than half a chapter on pointless “comedic” escapades with the Rangers Three that don’t actually matter in the long run? Seriously, now? It’s just a baffling decision, especially considering it’s not, in my opinion, even that funny (or at least what starts out as mildly amusing wears out its welcome quickly); the scene with Amdramnar and Argast is mercifully much shorter, but also full of “humor” that falls flat. But when you contrast it with the horror of what Lorgyn and Bralatar are up to (which, honestly, most seems to exist to remind us that these guys are evil - though I’ll take it over having our “heroes” casually slaughtering people we’ve only been told secondhand are evil) it all gets even more jarring. And then there’s the opening scene with the Mysterious Watcher™, which is mostly just there to remind us he’s still a thing (though it will have payoff before the book is through). Anyway, next time, the Malaugrym plot some more, the Rangers Three meet some company on the road, and we return to some characters we’ve not seen in a while. We’ll see you then! Four chapters to go!
Warning: This chapter contains a brief scene of torture.
MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Ed Greenwood’s All Shadows Fled! Last time, we had an interlude at a Sembian country estate as the Malaugrym Storm was chasing concealed himself in a fancy dinner party and she ended up having to ferret him out from among various bit characters (oh, and there was a second Malaugrym there too for some reason). Today, it’s time to check in with what literally everyone else in the story has been up to (except, thankfully, for Elminster, who is still “dead”). Joining us once again will be Errezha and Calassara!
Chapter Fifteen: Travel Far, See Much – and Try To Survive
Errezha: An apt summary of the traveling life… alas that my only other option was remaining in Egorian with my insufferable, sometimes murderous relations… such is life, it seems. Where were we? Ah yes, Greenwood. Well, at least we’re almost done with this sorry excuse for a story… And we open with someone we’ve seen before, as it happens:
In a place of shifting shadows, behind hidden doors, in the heart of the ancient castle of the Malaugrym, was a light. The bright, glowing eye of a scrying portal floated in the murk, reflected from the tentacled face of a watchful figure bent over it … a figure whose skin was as dark and ever-shifting as the sliding shadows themselves.
His eyes, however, were two bright flames, and the doomstars winked brightly as they spun endlessly about his wrist.
Errezha: *rolls her eyes* Oh, whoever could this mysterious personage be? The watcher studies the doomstars for a moment and then comments idly about how so many of his kin are fools and Ahorga and Lunquar deserved what they got. Now, now. It’s not their fault Greenwood decided it was their turn to be derailed into one-dimensional villains so they could be slaughtered by his pet Chosen! He watches Storm for a while in his scrying portal until she arrives at a merchant camp and waves away their concern with a kind, weary smile – spare me – and then changes the image so he’s now watching three figures in leather fighting a somewhat larger number in black armor, and of course, the ones in leather (I think we know who they are, too…) are winning. And indeed, we have confirmation that the watcher is unsurprised that three who fought their way out of the Castle of Shadows could manage such a feat (oh, please – they had Sylune helping them out for that). The watcher then smiles – though the narration feels the need to stress that he’s not actually amused – and the scene ends as he melds into the shadows. It was time to do what had to be done. Oh, how ominous and not at all buildup that Greenwood will end up utterly squandering somehow!
Calassara: And so, we cut to Faerun, northwest Elven Court woods, Flamerule 26 where our three rangers are having an argument, apparently about how many people they’ve killed lately. *flatly* Charming. Belkram boasts that he’s killed Seven Zhentilar and one orc… oh, and that snake, with Sylune mocking him for the last bit. “I,” Itharr said triumphantly, “stand ahead of you. My valiant blade has accounted for eleven Zhent deserters, one brigand, and three fingers off the left hand of another brigand!” I mean, should we really be surprised that Itharr is the most murderous of our little band? He has plenty of practice, apparently… *she shudders* Sharantyr just groans about how men will be boys (you’re no better! Maybe gender isn’t the common denominator here?), and then is left wondering how anyone wears armor for days on end, which apparently, they’ve been doing (generally speaking… you don’t; you are all going to be so sore…).
Apparently, however, they’re now approaching somewhere they can get rest and hot baths, though Sharantyr has to warn Itharr against trampling over someone’s crops on the way there. They argue for a bit, and Belkram breaks in to start fantasizing about food, and it’s made very clear that everyone is exhausted. They end up arguing some more about whether they could have eaten the snake Belkram killed, to Sharantyr’s annoyance since she’s sick of talking about killing things.
Belkram gave her a look. “Well, let’s see—there are other topics: butchering monsters for the stew pot, burning helpless villages, pillage, ra—”
“Death it is,” Sharantyr said firmly. “Only a few hundred more paces now. Talk to me of death.”
Calassara: …I remain utterly bewildered as to what Sharantyr sees in either of them. And was that almost a rape joke, Greenwood? Damn you to the lowest depths of the Abyss for that if it was! *she sighs* I think I’m becoming as irritable as the characters in the story… Itharr threatens to fall asleep where he’s standing, but Sharantyr wants to keep him marching towards their destination, while complaining about men (because of course Greenwood must trot out that old canard; Sharantyr, dear, they’re not acting like this because they’re men, they’re acting like this because they’re idiots).
Errezha: *muttering* Can’t it be both? Belkram complains loudly to the gods that Sharantyr noticed (noticed… what? That he’s a man? That he’s obnoxious? Sadly, the latter doesn’t seem to have quite penetrated yet!) leading to Itharr observing that the gods aren’t there anymore and that’s the problem, before they start reminiscing about Elminster. Which leads an old guard – who I believe appeared literally out of nowhere – to sadly observe that Elminster is indeed dead, and so will the rest of them be if they don’t identify themselves. At last, someone I can sympathize with (aside from inexplicably mourning Elminster, of course…); alas, Sylune materializes and the guard recognizes her (apparently he never forget(s) a fair-looking female because he too is a dirty old man), which is apparently enough to convince him they’re indeed Mourngrym’s patrol and let them pass, with much stammering and apologizing. As they head on in towards Shadowdale, Sharantyr complains that they can’t ever get this tired again, while Belkram blames the Zhents. They pass a man named Hammerhand Bucko and no, I’m not making that up, who welcomes them back to town, and then run into a morose-looking Lhaeo – who is happy to see them, proving that his taste in company has not improved in his master’s absence.
Calassara: *scolding* Errezha, that was… actually, I honestly can’t disagree with that? Sylune has Belkram pass her stone to Lhaeo so he can take her to Storm, since they need to talk. He does so, and then the rangers head off towards the Twisted Tower, describing at length how tired they are, and Savored Sting, Greenwood, I get the idea! Approaching the tower, they find it guarded by seven soldiers in gleaming armor they’ve not seen before; Itharr wearily asks them to stand aside, but the new guards are not amused.
“And who are you three?” the centermost guard asked coolly. “Travelers generally stay at the Old Skull Inn—at the crossroads, down there. Beggars had best go to the temples … there’s a house of Tymora just across the river, there.”
Calassara: Well, I have to say… what did you expect? You don’t know them, and they clearly don’t know you! At this latest setback, Sharantyr nearly collapses from exhaustion, while Itharr insists they have chambers in the tower; the guards don’t believe them, and they’ve not heard of Sharantyr, either (they’ve not heard of one of Greenwood’s oh-so-special Knights? I’m genuinely in shock!). It turns out that the guards, of course, are all new hires from a place called Westgate and Itharr guesses they were trained by Belgard, apparently a retired mercenary who trains hired guards known for their efficiency and cruelty. And apparently, they’ve not been briefed properly, since Sharantyr is a reasonably prominent citizen of Shadowdale, as much as I joke, and was currently running errands for Mourngrym. They should have been told to expect her! The guards order them to clear off, and Belkram says he’s starting to get annoyed (oh no! Belkram is getting annoyed! Whatever shall we do?). And indeed, the guard captain is clearly unimpressed at being threatened by this bedraggled, exhausted man we’ve been repeatedly told is barely holding himself upright. I really can’t blame him.
Errezha: Nor I, though I do wonder just what the point of all this is… unless the guard is actually a Malaugrym in disguise, I fail to see one. Itharr demands to see Mourngrym, but the captain says Mourngrym isn’t here – how very convenient! The captain thinks they’re brigands in disguise and plans to lock them up – and hang them from the bars, so they won’t even get a chance to lie down in the cells! Belkram again insists they’re not brigands, the captain again refuses to let him past, and I do think we’ve done all this before! The captain then seems to decide they’re not worth arresting after all and orders one of his men to get rid of them; the man grabs Belkram, who shows off his Harper pin. At which point… the guards decide they’ve clearly stolen Harper pins and decide to beat them and take them back! *facepalm* I’m so torn – for once I’m glad that someone is treating Greenwood’s pets with the respect they deserve (none), but on the other hand this idiocy is going on for far too long, and the guards are clearly morons. Well, the guard, Aldus, tries to take Belkram’s pin and gets grabbed by Sharantyr, rammed into a post and knocked out for his trouble. She asks who’s next, and five of the guards charge, against their captain’s orders. *facepalm, again* Prince of Laws spare me… Sharantyr quickly trips two of them and takes down the third… I think with a kick to the groin, it’s rather unclear? The remaining two grab her, but are quickly defeated by Belkram and Itharr. The captain has only two men left and they advance cautiously, but before Sharantyr can react Belkram has already disarmed the captain and grabbed him by the throat, telling him to call off his men (what’s left of them…) from attacking Sharantyr or he’ll rip the man’s throat out. *beat* With… his bare hands, I suppose? I’ll admit, I was not expecting that today…
Calassara: *weakly* Yes, this does seem to have escalated rather quickly, doesn’t it? The captain manages to call for aid, saying he’s being attacked; Belkram, who is disgusted (as far as I can tell, the captain said nothing but the truth!) slams him face-first into the cobblestones and knocks him out, too. He grabs the captain’s sword, only to turn around and find that Sharantyr tripped backwards over some of the other unconscious guards, and now Itharr is trying to hold off the two remaining guards to protect her *facepalm* Everyone in this scene – all of them – are so blisteringly incompetent I can’t quite believe it… Belkram charges at the two guards and manages to take down one of them, and then when the last one turns to Belkram, Itharr knocks him out from behind, into the realm of dreams. *she sighs* If only that’s where we were going, too… They manage to help Sharantyr up, just as Shaerl and Thurbal, the overall captain of Mourngrym’s guards, come walking out, discussing how they don’t think the new guards are well trained. *flatly* Ha. Ha. “I couldn’t agree more,” Belkram snarled, cradling Sharantyr’s head against his shoulder. “Aye,” Itharr agreed, casting a guard’s sword to the tiles at Thurbal’s feet. “Next time you hire seven dolts from Belgard, be sure he remembers to send their brains along with them!” *sighs, facepalms* Well, Thurbal is left staring in shock, while Shaerl calls for a new guard squad and servants, chairs food and a large bath for the Rangers Three. Belkram says it’s all impressive, right before passing out, and we get a lot of hilarious banter between Sharantyr, Shaerl, and some servants about whether they should eat, bathe or sleep first.
Errezha: *muttering* Any of which would be more pleasant than this story! Once inside, Shaerl has the servants start stripping the rangers’ armor off, and the air quickly filled with flying pieces of armor, which seems quite unsafe from my perspective. More servants bring in a large tub, and Shaerl helps lower all three rangers into it before stripping off her gown and joining them while, of course, the guards and servants all ogle her *facepalm* Has Greenwood considered that most women don’t appreciate that sort of thing? *she sighs* Apologizes. The preceding bout of stupidity has me rather… on edge today for some reason. Shaerl calls for soap and goes to work on the rangers herself, while setting a female servant to wash Sharantyr’s hair.
So it was that when Purk bustled up at the head of a procession bringing platters of hot fowl from the kitchens, he found three rangers, grimy and snoring, slumped over asleep in the huge bath, and the lady of the tower in their midst, as bare as the day she was born, scrubbing and rinsing for all she was worth.
Errezha: And of course as he’s left staring in shock at this scene, Shaerl tells him to strip off his clothes and join them! *beat* Dare I even ask how big that tub is? Dare I ask why Mourngrym has a tub that big? Anyway, Purk is also to be ready to feed the rangers as soon as they wake up – how exactly he’s supposed to do that while bathing I’m less sure about – except Shaerl wants some of the wine already, this is thirsty work! *flatly* Ha. Ha. A kitchen boy – who came with Purk, I guess? – hands her the bottle, and then she tells him to get in the tub and start scrubbing too! Greenwood… what even is this scene? Meanwhile, down on the stairs, some of the guards are, ah, gossiping about the situation:
The first said, “The lady’s passion for bathing is crazed! Have they all washed their wits out of their heads in Cormyr? What’s wrong with just going down to the millpond when your stink starts to drive the dogs away?”
Errezha: Well, personally, I do appreciate a quite thorough scrubbing – these books tend to make me feel the need to do so rather intently, in fact! Though otherwise, I don’t think he’s wrong about Shaerl being crazed… this is getting excessive! And indeed from up the stairs they hear Shaerl calling for more water, as the scene finally comes to an end. *bitterly* Ha. Ha. Ha. Laugh, damn you!
Calassara: *edging away from her* I’d rather not, if it’s all the same? We cut to Tower of Mortoth, Sembia, Flamerule 26 where Bralatar and Lorgyn return through their portal from the Castle of Shadows; they’re pleased that it worked, and Lorgyn brought his wand and his favorite food back with him, while Bralatar brought some wine and… a chest of coins, I think? They then turn towards their captives, Mortoth and his apprentices (who apparently are those misogynist wizards from a few chapters ago, as well as poor Irendue); the note that Mortoh looks especially emaciated and is more drained than the others, and wonder if it’s because he’s the most powerful, or because they put him in first. They worry that the apprentices may not be strong enough to sustain the portal, in which case if Mortoth dies, they’re stranded. Bralatar thinks they’ll have plenty of time to go mage-hunting, then turns back to Irendue and wonders if they should free her for a little dalliance tonight. *blanches visibly* Greenwood, you’ve included some very dark and disturbing things in these books, but if you go that far… and make us watch, gods help us all… I will find you. Ahem. Lorgyn, thankfully, doesn’t think it’s a good idea, since Irendue is a mage and she knows how all the magic in this place works and could easily turn on them given the chance. Bralatar points out that they still haven’t figured out how to control all of the estate’s protections, and thinks that’s more reason to pull Irendue out and question her – questioning does not sound like what you were planning on doing! Lorgyn thinks she’d probably start throwing magic at them the moment she’s lucid, and Bralatar has… ideas.
“Strip her to take away any magic she carries, tie her hands together to stop her casting spells, and with the same rope hang her down the privy shaft. Dangle her just above the water, where we can threaten her with the things in the moat. Then each of us stretch a tentacle down there with her; mine with an eye to watch her closely—so she knows we’re seeing what she does—and yours to hold your wand trained right on her!”
Calassara: Greenwood… you’re putting far too much thought into this! Lorgyn thinks it over, decides to find some rope *waspishly* you’re a shapeshifter; make some! – and the scene comes to an end.
Errezha: We cut to Shadowdale, Flamerule 27, so a day later, I believe, where Argast comments on how the name “Shadowdale” is auspicious – it’s also where Elminster lived, where many of their kind died, and where he thinks they should start their conquest. Amdramnar thinks it’s pretty and will make a good slave farm, and then the two of them complain for a bit about how they apparently got stuck in some quicksand on the way here (really, now!) and apparently Amdramnar still has grit in… uncomfortable places. Apparently, last night Amdramnar interrogated – and ate – a man from Hillsfar, who never shut up about Great Lord Malthiir and the cursed Zhents but he did learn that wherever they go in these lands, they’ll likely have to deal with guards. Argast wants to sneak in as an animal, such as an eel, but Amdramnar wants to talk to someone, to make sure of things like whether Elminster is really dead (oh, he’s not, but it’s not like the people around here know that…) and decides they should claim to be mages from some eastern land.
“Going to ask Elminster—about some strange shapeshifting beings our master Dundifolus of the Sixteen Unlit Black Candles saw. He’d come himself, but they changed both his feet into fish fins, and he hasn’t yet managed to reverse the strange enchantment!”
Errezha: *sighs, rubs her forehead* Really, now? Have we not had enough stupid “comedy” this chapter? Argast asks if Amdramnar really expects anyone to believe that, and he admits he’ll tone it down, but he thinks they should pretend to be the apprentices of some important mage looking for Elminster, and Malaugrym are immune to having their minds read, in any case (except, apparently, by Elminster…). And so, they end up sneaking into Shadowdale from the east, disguised as a wizard’s servants from Hillsfar… and just happen to pass the “Rangers Three” *ugh* as they head out on patrol once again. By the humor of the gods, neither band saw the other. Ah, yes, how very ironic. In any case, the scene ends there.
Calassara: And so we cut back to Tower of Mortoth, Sembia, Flamerule 27 as poor Irendue begs for mercy as the Malaugrym haul her back up through the privy hole, as they’ve apparently done several times now. Bralatar gloats for a bit as he wraps her in his tentacles and shoves her into the cold embrace of the flames that did not burn and pulls her back out, claiming this is mercy since the fire didn’t actually burn her. Lorgyn finishes arranging her body back in the device and reports that the portal is still working fine. The two of them settle themselves in Mortoth’s study, toast each other and start eating their roast shadowbeast while discussing how apparently their “interrogation” went well. The wench certainly knows how to talk with a wand nearly down her gullet! *weakly* Greenwood, was that meant to sound so obscene, or…? But Irendue is apparently learned and knows many secrets, enough to impress Lorgyn; Bralatar asks if he’s looking for a mate (oh, gods, no…) but he’s not, he just thinks her knowledge makes her a valuable resource they can’t afford to throw away. In less than a day, they’ve already learned a great deal about the Realms and its wizards.
“You speak truth … she yielded much to us, and swiftly. Enough for me to conclude we’d best avoid Thay, the islands Lantan and Nimbral, and the slave keepers—Calimshan, that was the name—until we know a lot more about Faerûn. These Red Wizards’ll bear a lot of watching. They could be almost as much trouble as Elminster was. The Zhentarim, on the other hand, seem more persistent than competent. Would you say that sums up what she said?”
MG: Nimbral, I think we’ve mentioned briefly before in Making of a Mage, is a very isolationist magocracy whose wizards specialize in illusions, located in Faerun’s southern oceans. It maintains formal relations only with its ally and fellow magocracy Halruaa, and considering Halruaa itself is already very isolationist, that should tell you something about how closed to outsiders Nimbral is. So yeah, probably a place best avoided, though I’m kind of impressed Irendue even knew enough to warn the Malaugrym away from it. Lantan, meanwhile, is known for its technological advancements. Although I am kind of amused that even the other villains don’t think much of the Zhents; at this point, Greenwood has got to be doing that on purpose.
Calassara: *sigh* Probably. Lorgyn thinks that as long as they keep their heads down, all of Faerun will be theirs for the taking and wonders about whether he and Bralatar should split the Realms between them. Bralatar wants to see more of Faerun before he commits to that, and they agree the best way to do that is to hunt down more wizards! And not stopping there. “Chasing down and slaughtering,” Bralatar said with a sudden flame in his eyes, “any humans we fancy.” And on that suddenly murderous note, the chapter comes to an end.
MG: This chapter… is pretty bad, not going to lie. First off, we’re almost done with the last book of the trilogy, but Greenwood thinks that we need to spend more than half a chapter on pointless “comedic” escapades with the Rangers Three that don’t actually matter in the long run? Seriously, now? It’s just a baffling decision, especially considering it’s not, in my opinion, even that funny (or at least what starts out as mildly amusing wears out its welcome quickly); the scene with Amdramnar and Argast is mercifully much shorter, but also full of “humor” that falls flat. But when you contrast it with the horror of what Lorgyn and Bralatar are up to (which, honestly, most seems to exist to remind us that these guys are evil - though I’ll take it over having our “heroes” casually slaughtering people we’ve only been told secondhand are evil) it all gets even more jarring. And then there’s the opening scene with the Mysterious Watcher™, which is mostly just there to remind us he’s still a thing (though it will have payoff before the book is through). Anyway, next time, the Malaugrym plot some more, the Rangers Three meet some company on the road, and we return to some characters we’ve not seen in a while. We’ll see you then! Four chapters to go!
