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masterghandalfThis is a repost from Das_Sporking2. Previous installments of this spork may be found here.
Warning: This chapter contains a battle scene, including violence and deaths.
MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Robert Newcomb’s Scrolls of the Ancients! Last time, Wulfgar got brainwashed, Tristan totally knew better than Tyranny, we swear (but got ambushed by pirates anyway) and it turned out that scrying for Tristan was never going to work no matter how many herbs Abbey had because something something contrived reasons. Ahem. Anyway, we’ll just be doing a single chapter today – one of the few times left in the book I’ll be doing that! – as its time to rescue one annoying and useless Chosen One. Joining us today will be Ash and Irinali!
Chapter Fifty-One
Ash: Well, rescuing people from pirates – no matter how obnoxious they may be – is something Eilistraee approves of, so I suppose I can sit through this, if Newcomb at least manages to restrain himself from making too many characters suffer needlessly in the meantime. We open with K’Jarr the Minion as he soars above the Sea of Whispers, equipped with his dreggan, returning wheel and a bugle, his highly tuned senses scouring the sea below him. A hundred Minion warriors follow him, officers all, which seems like it would produce absolute havoc when it comes to actually following the chain of command and getting things done. We’re told that they’re the best of the best, so maybe Newcomb just assumes officers are automatically better fighters than enlisted troops? Or whatever the equivalent of that for the Minions are, when they’re all born into this role and not “enlisted”? Their mission is to investigate the mysterious fog bank they saw several chapters ago, to search any ships they find there, and try to find Tristan. As they approach, they of course see a massive fleet emerge from the fog, all seemingly pursuing a single mid-sized ship, and thus we know, though they don’t yet, that they found Tristan. That was easier than I expected!
The Minions watch the battle lines as they’re drawn up and K’Jarr wonders why so many ships are ganging up on only one vessel before he considers that the Chosen One might be aboard. And so, he sends three of his officers off to report the battle’s location to the armada, while he returns his attention to the battle, desperately hoping that his sworn lord isn’t on board the lone ship. *beat* You know, this really should have been Ox here. Ox has a personal relationship with Tristan. Has K’Jarr even met him? Are we supposed to care about K’Jarr? But as he looks closer, he spots that the lone ship is indeed flying the Galland battle flag. K’Jarr draws his dreggan, and all the other warriors with him do the same. There was no greater honor for a true Minion warrior than to perish in the service of his lord. *crosses her arms* Yes, yes, and it’s an honor for a sword-dancer of Eilistraee to die in the goddess’s service too – but at the same time, Eilistraee would rather we honor her with our lives than our deaths. Do you have anything worth living for, K’Jarr? But K’Jarr and his men drop into dives and plunge towards the ship; Kjarr knows the odds are bad, but if Tristan is here, he thinks they have no other choice, and as the Minions descend, the scene ends.
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 76 (for the somewhat uncomfortable way the narration stresses how the Minions should all want to die for Tristan)
Irinali: *muttering* Just what I always wanted, more fanatics… Well, we cut to People’s Revenge as she’s suddenly rammed by one of the attacking pirate ships. The attackers swarm aboard – one of them even has a knife between his teeth, as if this wasn’t cliched enough already – and Tristan kills the first of them with that ridiculous extending sword of his. As he looks around, he sees that the whole deck has descended into a brawl and he can’t find Tyranny or Scars. He guesses it will all be over soon – he and his little piece of parchment will never reach Eutracia, Krassus will win, blah blah blah, I know the Minions are coming to save the day so I just don’t care. He kills another of the pirates with a thrown “dirk”, and we get an absolutely lovely description of the fellow’s blood – normal blood, for once – fountaining everywhere. Suddenly Tristan turns around to see that while he was distracted, all of Tyranny’s crew who he left behind on Sanctuary got strung up in the rigging of the attackers’ ships as a warning. *applauds sarcastically* Good job! Tristan had known some of these people. He had laughed with them, worked with them, and learned the ways of the sea from them. And now they were dead. And Newcomb never told us anything about any of them at all – I don’t even know their names! I repeat, why should I care?
Tristan nearly vomits and apparently would later realize it was nearly a miracle he wasn’t killed then and there. He then finds himself fighting another pirate, and the scene ends. We then cut to K’Jarr and his warriors as they approach the ship, looking for Tristan. K’Jarr takes up a position above the battle, wanting to join in but knowing it’s his place to monitor everything from above… and then he spots Tristan. And then we cut to Tristan himself, who thinks he’s seeing things as the Minions swoop in and start killing startled pirates. He didn’t know how many of the Minions there were here, or where they had suddenly come form, but now, finally, he thought there might be a chance to prevail after all. *flatly* We still have roughly thirty percent of the book to go, and three more books after that. I don’t think there’s even the slightest chance you’re going to die here. And then K’Jarr lands beside him, and Newcomb rather drily informs us that he tells him how many warriors he has and asks for orders. After thinking it over a moment, Tristan tells K’Jarr to leave half his warriors here, and lead the other half throughout the rest of the attacking fleet, with some specific instructions that we don’t hear (let me guess – does it involve setting the enemy ships on fire? I bet it does) for when they get there. K’Jarr seems to like what he hears, since he grins and flies off. Tristan and the Minions who remain behind cut their way through the attacking pirates and the tide turns and by the Keeper, Newcomb makes this dull. Though Newcomb does take time to inform us that body parts were everywhere, while the wounded cry out in pain, lovely. Carnage I can tolerate; I cannot abide mess and waste. But Tristan fights his way over to Tyranny and Scars, and is amazed both are still alive, as the scene ends.
Gratuitous Grimdark: 51
Ash: And so we cut back to K’Jarr as he and his warriors follow Tristan’s plan by rising up in the sky high above the pirate fleet. There K’Jarr gives them orders, splitting them into groups of two and sending one group to each ship (I hope none of those pirates have bows, or else this could be a very short mission…) and once they’ve done their work at one ship to continue on to another. By then their fleet should have arrived, and the killing could begin in earnest. But these are the “gallant” and “noble” warriors who fight for our heroes now, remember, and certainly not just cold-blooded butchers who happen to have changed sides! K’Jarr watches them go, as the first pair swoop down on one of the ships. We learn that they don’t have the numbers to kill all the pirates (which I think we could have guessed?) though they’d have tried to do it if Tristan had ordered them to. Still, that’s not what he ordered – the plan is for the Minions to attack not the pirates, but to attack their ships. And before we learn just what that entails, the scene ends.
We then cut to Tyranny, who spots Tristan coming and then sees the Minions – and since she’s not from Tammerland, this is apparently the first time she’s seen them ever. As you can imagine, it’s a shock. And of course this means she just stands there staring in stupefaction and needs one of her male crew to kill a pirate who tries to take a swing at her, and have I mentioned I hate this book? Tristan runs to her side and we’re told – briefly – that he tells her the Minions are on his side and she shouldn’t be afraid of them and that, even though there are still hundreds of pirate ships out there, now they have a chance. Meanwhile, Scars is busy bear-hugging a pirate and eventually breaks his skull on the gunwale and pitches him over the side into the sea, which I guess we needed to have described for us in lots of gory detail. Then he looked up at Tristan and smiled broadly *she shudders* and the scene ends.
Gender Wars: 64
Gratuitous Grimdark: 52
Irinali: And so we cut back to K’Jarr’s minions as they swoop down by the pirate ships and draw their dreggans. They start hacking at the sails and rigging, bringing them down, leaving the pirates helpless to do anything but watch and shake their fists. *rolls her eyes* Because I guess they don’t have bows, and clearly climbing the rigging to counterattack – a skill that should be well within all their repertoires – is quite beyond them. *shakes her head* I spent some time in the Lhazaar Principalities in my youth, after I left Aerenal and before I took service with the Emerald Claw in Karrnath – I can assure you, the inhabitants of those miserable isles, many of whom can rightly be called “pirate,” would be so disappointed with this performance. Eventually, a few of the pirates do try to climb the rigging, but of course, the Minions easily dispatch them. And so the Minions keep at it, wrecking ship after ship and seeming to meet no meaningful resistance as they destroy sails, rigging, longboats and skiffs. Finally, they regroup in the sky with K’Jarr, satisfied they’ve left the pirates dead in the water. *disgusted noise* Really, now? After all that buildup, the Minions wreck the entire fleet just like that? It was that easy?
Well, the pirates are left cursing the Minions ineffectively as K’Jarr is pleased to have bought Tristan time, and soon the main fleet will arrive and the real killing could begin. In true Minion fashion, his blood sang with the promise of slaughtering the enemies of his sworn lord. *glances over at Ash* I suppose my companion may have a point about the Minions and their disposition after all… Looking to the east, K’Jarr can spot the armada approaching, and then more Minion troops come flying out ahead, lead by Traax and carrying a litter holding Geldon. K’Jarr updates Traax on the situation, and they head over to Tyranny’s ship, knowing that Tristan isn’t safe yet and time is of the essence, as the scene ends.
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 86
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 77
Ash: We cut back to Tristan, Tyranny and Scars who are fighting back-to-back against the pirates. Tyranny and Scars have both been injured, neither too badly but they needed attention, or they would both soon become weak from blood loss. *beat* I’ve heard the term “bloodless description” before… but rarely has it applied better to something describing actual blood! This is just so… clinical. Tristan himself, of course, is unscathed and continues to fight like a demon because why the Abyss not. Finally they’re able to take a breather and rest, leaning on their swords (not sure I’d want to rest on that dreggan – the mechanism for extending it is going to make the blade weak in the middle, you know! That’s why it’s a stupid design for anything other than its one gimmick!), while Scars binds his own and Tyranny’s injuries. Suddenly, Tristan hears Rolf calling out tauntingly, mocking Tristan as a clever bastard (uh… not so much?) and ranting about how he saw what the winged monkeys…
MG: *facepalms*
Ash: Did to his ships. He taunts Tristan some more and asks if he’s up for a little fun – are you challenging him to a duel, or coming on to him? Tristan turns to see that Rolf got free during the battle – how convenient! – and is now standing there holding a sword and dagger. Tristan wonders how many of Tyranny’s men he killed, while Rolf wonders if he’s going to hide behind that traitorous bitch’s skirts forever, then mockingly apologizes to Tyranny since she doesn’t wear skirts, though that never stopped him from having his way with her. *sighs, rubs her forehead* I’ll fight you, iblith. I’m pretty sure killing you will be doing humanity a favor. Though I wonder if Newcomb is trying to dodge the accusations that he’s sexist by making this new villain more of a misogynist than his heroes. It’s not working – I just hate all of them. Well, Tristan stalks towards Rolf, knowing that the battle is over and this doesn’t have to happen, and knowing Rolf knows it, too. *throws up her hands* Now even the characters are admitting the story is pointless! Still, Tristan’s supremely endowed, azure blood was overcoming these sentiments. *flatly* Why does your creepy magic blood want you to fight a pirate, Tristan? What exactly does this have to do with your destiny? Or are you just making excuses for something you wanted to do already? I think it’s the latter, isn’t it?
Blood Matters: 188
Dastardly Deeds: 126
Contrivances and Coincidences: 49
Gender Wars: 65 (does Tyranny get to answer Rolf’s insults to her? No!)
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 79
Irinali: And so, Tristan tells Tyranny to promise that if he dies, she’ll make sure the piece of vellum in his boot gets delivered to the Minions and Traax; she agrees but warns him that Rolf is a very good swordsman. Oh, please. He’s a minor villain with more than a quarter of the book left to go – we know how this is going to end. Tristan draws his dreggan and one of his knives and hands over the rest of his equipment to Tyranny, thinking about how he’s almost without equal with a sword – oh, please, you’re going to make me laugh! – but he’s not very familiar with this sort of dual-weapon fighting, while Rolf’s clearly an expert. Tristan and Rolf start circling each other, taking each other’s measure. Rolf lunges, and it turns out he’s faster than anyone Tristan has ever dueled, including Kluge. But it turns out to be a feint, and Tristan only barely manages to dodge the real blow, because of course he does. They trade a few more blows, and Tristan realizes he’ll have to go on the offensive if he wants to survive. He starts “windmilling” his weapons as fast as he can, which sounds both uncontrolled and completely ridiculous looking, but manages to force Rolf back. Still, Rolf manages to keep up with him and seems to be getting a feel for his fighting style.
Rolf disengages from Tristan and starts climbing up the rigging, before throwing his arm back and silently taunting Tristan to come after him. It was clear that the waiting spider had just dared the fly to come and enter his web, thank you for spelling that out, Newcomb, I’d never have guessed. And we’re suddenly in Tyranny’s head, as she almost cries out a warning to Tristan but holds back from fear of distracting him – apparently, she’s seen Rolf kill dozens of opponents using the tactic he’s using now. She and Scars trade a look, thinking that Tristan has just committed suicide. *flatly* Newcomb, no matter how hard you try to convince me he’s in danger… I’m not buying it. Tristan, of course, despite having a throwing knife doesn’t try to hit Rolf with it and instead accepts his taunt and climbs up to meet him. *facepalms* And so once Tristan’s in range, Rolf swings out from the rigging and slams into him with both feet, knocking him back to the deck. *rolls her eyes* Whoever saw this coming? Rolf follows him back down, raising his dagger… and suddenly Rolf’s expression turns to shock before his head literally falls off his shoulders; his body collapses to reveal Tyranny standing behind him, bloody sword in hand. On the one hand, good for her. I’m actually rather amazed Newcomb let her get the kill, instead of having the men fight over her like a prize. On the other hand, I suppose that’s it for Rolf. A rather anticlimactic end, all told, but no more than he deserved. I won’t miss him, at least.
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 89
Ash: Tristan gets to his feet in a daze, still trying to process what happened, while Tyranny just says she’s not sorry she killed Rolf (neither am I, though I have to share Irinali’s amazement her author let her!). Tristan… seems surprised she’s glad, while rubbing the back of his head? Does he think killing her abusive ex-lover would have been harder for her? Does he think he should have been gladder? Is he just concussed? A nearby Minion warrior comments that he’d have done it if Tyranny hadn’t, but she really seemed to want to, and who am I to contradict such a beautiful woman – especially one who seems to care so much for our lord! *flatly* Just a reminder that the Minions’ society was rigidly – and inexplicably – patriarchal until literally last year. Tristan looks around and seems more Minions gathering on and above the ship, while the rest of the pirate fleet has been immobilized and pinned in by the Minion armada. Then he spots Geldon, who was apparently dropped off by the gunwale, and runs over to embrace him. At least he recognizes one of the best characters in the series, relatively speaking, when he sees him?
Geldon tells Tristan how worried they all were about him and how they feared they’d never find him, and that the Minions become very irritable when they are concerned for the safety of their lord. *she glances back over the first book and all the loving descriptions of Minion atrocities* And that’s… something to laugh about, now? Geldon assures Tristan that everyone at the palace are well, or were when he left thirty days ago, and then Tristan introduces Tyranny and Scars to Traax. He notices Tyranny’s expression is dark and asks her what’s wrong, and she just looks over at her dead crewmates hung from the pirates’ ships. *she sighs sadly* Thank you, Tyranny, for continuing to be one of the only halfway-decent people in this story. Tristan puts his arm around her shoulder, tells her he’s sorry – and that if he had to make the same decision again, he would. *groans and facepalms* Dark Maiden’s sake, it’s one thing to think that, but now is not the time to say it! Are you at least going to feel a little guilt for your involvement in their deaths? And Tyranny says she’s not angry with him – but also that no amount of money in the world can make up for it. *whistles approvingly* Sounds like she is angry and just knows better than to say it outright in front of an army of Minions. And I, for one, don’t blame her.
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 81
Irinali: Tristan gives orders for the bodies to be cut down and wrapped in sailcloth – shouldn’t Tyranny be doing this? They’re her crew! – and then Tyranny thanks him for everything, which in context I can only read as very sarcastic. K’Jarr then approaches, goes down on one knee, and introduces himself (this really should have been Ox, shouldn’t it have?); he says it was an honor to fight for Tristan at Farplain, and today. Tristan thanks him, and then Traax comes over and says that the Revenge is taking on water and his shipwrights have told him the damage is irreparable (that was amazingly fast!). Apparently, they have no more than an hour. Tyranny is silent for a long moment, then just nods before telling Scars to save her charts and navigational tools. Tristan then whispers… something in her ear that for some reason we don’t hear, and Tyranny brightens at this and seems to think it will help, whatever “it” may be, and can’t believe she forgot “it.” Tristan gives K’Jarr some new orders – which we also don’t hear – and then Traax says they have one more issue to deal with. The pirates. The Minions have captured hundreds of pirate ships, with full crews aboard. Tristan doesn’t feel much sympathy for the pirates themselves – understandable – but he also doesn’t’ want to just order the Minions to kill them all, both because some of the Minions will likely die in the process and he needs all of them to fight Krassus, and because he doesn’t want that many deaths on his conscience. *she shakes her head* Amazing. Who knew he had it in him?
Finally, he tells the Minions to tow the pirates to Sanctuary and maroon them there and set up a blockade around the island. The rest of the armada is to head for Eutracia, bringing the captured pirate ships with them. Then, once they’re back in Tammerland, they can sit down with the wizards and come up with a more permanent solution (oh, look, Wigg is going to be tackling the problem of piracy, which has existed ever since one primitive paddled around a lake on a log and then another primitive came along, bashed him over the head with a club and took the log away from him – this will end well!). If the pirates reject the terms, or try to fight back, then Traax has permission to kill them in a fair fight, which strikes me as a terrible idea against people who certainly won’t be fighting fair. Traax agrees, and after he goes off, Tyranny starts talking about how amazing the Minions are and how she wishes she had them to fight for her against the demonslavers. Because, of course, now that the Minions are “good guys,” all other “good guys” simply must love them! *rolls her eyes* She wonders where the Minions came from and why they serve Tristan – clearly, this woman needs to pay more attention to local news, if she hadn’t heard that Tammerland was sacked by winged soldiers. The Minions do rather stand out… Tristan just says it’s a long story (it is at that – a bad story, mind, but a long one) and Tyranny assures him that he’ll have the two days to Eutracia to tell her.
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 91
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 82
Ash: Tristan assures Tyranny they’ll actually be in Tammerland by sunset and turns to where the Minions are overseeing the evacuation, pointing out Geldon’s litter where it’s sitting on the deck. Tyranny seems shocked by the idea of flying and refuses, but Tristan jokingly tells her your prince commands it. And then he literally grabs her by the arm and hauls her bodily over to the litter. *beat* Punch him, Tyranny. Please. We know you want to! Scars then returns from the maps and tools, his legs soaking wet from where the ship is already starting to flood. He gets into the litter, followed by Tristan, Geldon and finally Tyranny, who promises she’ll make Tristan pay for this. *sigh* Oh, I wish she would… Tristan acts like he… wants to pay for it… Dark Maiden, are they flirting? Stop it! Tristan turns back to Traax and gives him three days to carry out his orders, and then after that to return to Tammerland as fast as he can. Traax agrees and he and Tristan take each other’s arms, speaking no more words, for there was no need, and once again I’m left wondering who the real main couple of this book is. K’Jarr then returns with a package that Tristan has him lash to the top of the litter and tells him he wants him and fifty warriors to escort them home. Arrangements are made, and the litter takes off, and the chapter ends with Tristan thinking about how he’s finally going home, to see Wigg, Faegan, Abbey, and Shailiha and her baby. And Celeste. *beat* Tristan… I don’t think you even know Abbey, why are you mentioning her? And for someone who’s supposedly in love with Celeste, you’ve been getting awfully flirty with both Tyranny and Traax…
MG: Well, with this chapter, the pirate diversion comes to an end. And mostly it serves as a reminder that this whole subplot was pretty pointless – we could have had the Minions find Tyranny’s ship and rescue the crew after the screechling attack, and it would’ve played out more or less the same way. But I guess we needed the padding – and Rolf the gross misogynist pirate, he was such a necessary character. In fact, all the rigmarole about getting the People’s Revenge repaired ends up being pointless, since the ship just gets sunk anyway! The battle itself, of course, was pretty anticlimactic, especially once the Minions show up and easily hamstring the pirate armada – the narrative itself even points out how pointless the duel between Tristan and Rolf is, and Tyranny getting the kill is a good moment, but doesn’t make up for how shabbily the last few chapters have treated her (and Rolf’s death is still hilariously sudden). And then we have several pages of characters just standing around casually chatting about ways and means, which makes the battle feel even more unimportant than it already did. Anyway, pirate stuff is over now, save for Tyranny herself and her crew, who’ll be sticking around. I hope Newcomb had fun with it, because we sure didn’t. Next time, more Wulfgar and Krassus. Prepare to rage. Again. Our counts currently stand at:
Blood Matters: 188
Contrivances and Coincidences: 49
Dastardly Deeds: 126
Exposition Intrusion: 212
Gender Wars: 66
Gratuitous Grimdark: 52
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 91
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 84
Retcons and Revelations: 26
I’m also currently reading the Star Wars Expanded Universe comic series Dark Empire on my journal; check it out if you’re interested! Updates Tuesday and Thursday.
Warning: This chapter contains a battle scene, including violence and deaths.
MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Robert Newcomb’s Scrolls of the Ancients! Last time, Wulfgar got brainwashed, Tristan totally knew better than Tyranny, we swear (but got ambushed by pirates anyway) and it turned out that scrying for Tristan was never going to work no matter how many herbs Abbey had because something something contrived reasons. Ahem. Anyway, we’ll just be doing a single chapter today – one of the few times left in the book I’ll be doing that! – as its time to rescue one annoying and useless Chosen One. Joining us today will be Ash and Irinali!
Chapter Fifty-One
Ash: Well, rescuing people from pirates – no matter how obnoxious they may be – is something Eilistraee approves of, so I suppose I can sit through this, if Newcomb at least manages to restrain himself from making too many characters suffer needlessly in the meantime. We open with K’Jarr the Minion as he soars above the Sea of Whispers, equipped with his dreggan, returning wheel and a bugle, his highly tuned senses scouring the sea below him. A hundred Minion warriors follow him, officers all, which seems like it would produce absolute havoc when it comes to actually following the chain of command and getting things done. We’re told that they’re the best of the best, so maybe Newcomb just assumes officers are automatically better fighters than enlisted troops? Or whatever the equivalent of that for the Minions are, when they’re all born into this role and not “enlisted”? Their mission is to investigate the mysterious fog bank they saw several chapters ago, to search any ships they find there, and try to find Tristan. As they approach, they of course see a massive fleet emerge from the fog, all seemingly pursuing a single mid-sized ship, and thus we know, though they don’t yet, that they found Tristan. That was easier than I expected!
The Minions watch the battle lines as they’re drawn up and K’Jarr wonders why so many ships are ganging up on only one vessel before he considers that the Chosen One might be aboard. And so, he sends three of his officers off to report the battle’s location to the armada, while he returns his attention to the battle, desperately hoping that his sworn lord isn’t on board the lone ship. *beat* You know, this really should have been Ox here. Ox has a personal relationship with Tristan. Has K’Jarr even met him? Are we supposed to care about K’Jarr? But as he looks closer, he spots that the lone ship is indeed flying the Galland battle flag. K’Jarr draws his dreggan, and all the other warriors with him do the same. There was no greater honor for a true Minion warrior than to perish in the service of his lord. *crosses her arms* Yes, yes, and it’s an honor for a sword-dancer of Eilistraee to die in the goddess’s service too – but at the same time, Eilistraee would rather we honor her with our lives than our deaths. Do you have anything worth living for, K’Jarr? But K’Jarr and his men drop into dives and plunge towards the ship; Kjarr knows the odds are bad, but if Tristan is here, he thinks they have no other choice, and as the Minions descend, the scene ends.
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 76 (for the somewhat uncomfortable way the narration stresses how the Minions should all want to die for Tristan)
Irinali: *muttering* Just what I always wanted, more fanatics… Well, we cut to People’s Revenge as she’s suddenly rammed by one of the attacking pirate ships. The attackers swarm aboard – one of them even has a knife between his teeth, as if this wasn’t cliched enough already – and Tristan kills the first of them with that ridiculous extending sword of his. As he looks around, he sees that the whole deck has descended into a brawl and he can’t find Tyranny or Scars. He guesses it will all be over soon – he and his little piece of parchment will never reach Eutracia, Krassus will win, blah blah blah, I know the Minions are coming to save the day so I just don’t care. He kills another of the pirates with a thrown “dirk”, and we get an absolutely lovely description of the fellow’s blood – normal blood, for once – fountaining everywhere. Suddenly Tristan turns around to see that while he was distracted, all of Tyranny’s crew who he left behind on Sanctuary got strung up in the rigging of the attackers’ ships as a warning. *applauds sarcastically* Good job! Tristan had known some of these people. He had laughed with them, worked with them, and learned the ways of the sea from them. And now they were dead. And Newcomb never told us anything about any of them at all – I don’t even know their names! I repeat, why should I care?
Tristan nearly vomits and apparently would later realize it was nearly a miracle he wasn’t killed then and there. He then finds himself fighting another pirate, and the scene ends. We then cut to K’Jarr and his warriors as they approach the ship, looking for Tristan. K’Jarr takes up a position above the battle, wanting to join in but knowing it’s his place to monitor everything from above… and then he spots Tristan. And then we cut to Tristan himself, who thinks he’s seeing things as the Minions swoop in and start killing startled pirates. He didn’t know how many of the Minions there were here, or where they had suddenly come form, but now, finally, he thought there might be a chance to prevail after all. *flatly* We still have roughly thirty percent of the book to go, and three more books after that. I don’t think there’s even the slightest chance you’re going to die here. And then K’Jarr lands beside him, and Newcomb rather drily informs us that he tells him how many warriors he has and asks for orders. After thinking it over a moment, Tristan tells K’Jarr to leave half his warriors here, and lead the other half throughout the rest of the attacking fleet, with some specific instructions that we don’t hear (let me guess – does it involve setting the enemy ships on fire? I bet it does) for when they get there. K’Jarr seems to like what he hears, since he grins and flies off. Tristan and the Minions who remain behind cut their way through the attacking pirates and the tide turns and by the Keeper, Newcomb makes this dull. Though Newcomb does take time to inform us that body parts were everywhere, while the wounded cry out in pain, lovely. Carnage I can tolerate; I cannot abide mess and waste. But Tristan fights his way over to Tyranny and Scars, and is amazed both are still alive, as the scene ends.
Gratuitous Grimdark: 51
Ash: And so we cut back to K’Jarr as he and his warriors follow Tristan’s plan by rising up in the sky high above the pirate fleet. There K’Jarr gives them orders, splitting them into groups of two and sending one group to each ship (I hope none of those pirates have bows, or else this could be a very short mission…) and once they’ve done their work at one ship to continue on to another. By then their fleet should have arrived, and the killing could begin in earnest. But these are the “gallant” and “noble” warriors who fight for our heroes now, remember, and certainly not just cold-blooded butchers who happen to have changed sides! K’Jarr watches them go, as the first pair swoop down on one of the ships. We learn that they don’t have the numbers to kill all the pirates (which I think we could have guessed?) though they’d have tried to do it if Tristan had ordered them to. Still, that’s not what he ordered – the plan is for the Minions to attack not the pirates, but to attack their ships. And before we learn just what that entails, the scene ends.
We then cut to Tyranny, who spots Tristan coming and then sees the Minions – and since she’s not from Tammerland, this is apparently the first time she’s seen them ever. As you can imagine, it’s a shock. And of course this means she just stands there staring in stupefaction and needs one of her male crew to kill a pirate who tries to take a swing at her, and have I mentioned I hate this book? Tristan runs to her side and we’re told – briefly – that he tells her the Minions are on his side and she shouldn’t be afraid of them and that, even though there are still hundreds of pirate ships out there, now they have a chance. Meanwhile, Scars is busy bear-hugging a pirate and eventually breaks his skull on the gunwale and pitches him over the side into the sea, which I guess we needed to have described for us in lots of gory detail. Then he looked up at Tristan and smiled broadly *she shudders* and the scene ends.
Gender Wars: 64
Gratuitous Grimdark: 52
Irinali: And so we cut back to K’Jarr’s minions as they swoop down by the pirate ships and draw their dreggans. They start hacking at the sails and rigging, bringing them down, leaving the pirates helpless to do anything but watch and shake their fists. *rolls her eyes* Because I guess they don’t have bows, and clearly climbing the rigging to counterattack – a skill that should be well within all their repertoires – is quite beyond them. *shakes her head* I spent some time in the Lhazaar Principalities in my youth, after I left Aerenal and before I took service with the Emerald Claw in Karrnath – I can assure you, the inhabitants of those miserable isles, many of whom can rightly be called “pirate,” would be so disappointed with this performance. Eventually, a few of the pirates do try to climb the rigging, but of course, the Minions easily dispatch them. And so the Minions keep at it, wrecking ship after ship and seeming to meet no meaningful resistance as they destroy sails, rigging, longboats and skiffs. Finally, they regroup in the sky with K’Jarr, satisfied they’ve left the pirates dead in the water. *disgusted noise* Really, now? After all that buildup, the Minions wreck the entire fleet just like that? It was that easy?
Well, the pirates are left cursing the Minions ineffectively as K’Jarr is pleased to have bought Tristan time, and soon the main fleet will arrive and the real killing could begin. In true Minion fashion, his blood sang with the promise of slaughtering the enemies of his sworn lord. *glances over at Ash* I suppose my companion may have a point about the Minions and their disposition after all… Looking to the east, K’Jarr can spot the armada approaching, and then more Minion troops come flying out ahead, lead by Traax and carrying a litter holding Geldon. K’Jarr updates Traax on the situation, and they head over to Tyranny’s ship, knowing that Tristan isn’t safe yet and time is of the essence, as the scene ends.
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 86
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 77
Ash: We cut back to Tristan, Tyranny and Scars who are fighting back-to-back against the pirates. Tyranny and Scars have both been injured, neither too badly but they needed attention, or they would both soon become weak from blood loss. *beat* I’ve heard the term “bloodless description” before… but rarely has it applied better to something describing actual blood! This is just so… clinical. Tristan himself, of course, is unscathed and continues to fight like a demon because why the Abyss not. Finally they’re able to take a breather and rest, leaning on their swords (not sure I’d want to rest on that dreggan – the mechanism for extending it is going to make the blade weak in the middle, you know! That’s why it’s a stupid design for anything other than its one gimmick!), while Scars binds his own and Tyranny’s injuries. Suddenly, Tristan hears Rolf calling out tauntingly, mocking Tristan as a clever bastard (uh… not so much?) and ranting about how he saw what the winged monkeys…
MG: *facepalms*
Ash: Did to his ships. He taunts Tristan some more and asks if he’s up for a little fun – are you challenging him to a duel, or coming on to him? Tristan turns to see that Rolf got free during the battle – how convenient! – and is now standing there holding a sword and dagger. Tristan wonders how many of Tyranny’s men he killed, while Rolf wonders if he’s going to hide behind that traitorous bitch’s skirts forever, then mockingly apologizes to Tyranny since she doesn’t wear skirts, though that never stopped him from having his way with her. *sighs, rubs her forehead* I’ll fight you, iblith. I’m pretty sure killing you will be doing humanity a favor. Though I wonder if Newcomb is trying to dodge the accusations that he’s sexist by making this new villain more of a misogynist than his heroes. It’s not working – I just hate all of them. Well, Tristan stalks towards Rolf, knowing that the battle is over and this doesn’t have to happen, and knowing Rolf knows it, too. *throws up her hands* Now even the characters are admitting the story is pointless! Still, Tristan’s supremely endowed, azure blood was overcoming these sentiments. *flatly* Why does your creepy magic blood want you to fight a pirate, Tristan? What exactly does this have to do with your destiny? Or are you just making excuses for something you wanted to do already? I think it’s the latter, isn’t it?
Blood Matters: 188
Dastardly Deeds: 126
Contrivances and Coincidences: 49
Gender Wars: 65 (does Tyranny get to answer Rolf’s insults to her? No!)
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 79
Irinali: And so, Tristan tells Tyranny to promise that if he dies, she’ll make sure the piece of vellum in his boot gets delivered to the Minions and Traax; she agrees but warns him that Rolf is a very good swordsman. Oh, please. He’s a minor villain with more than a quarter of the book left to go – we know how this is going to end. Tristan draws his dreggan and one of his knives and hands over the rest of his equipment to Tyranny, thinking about how he’s almost without equal with a sword – oh, please, you’re going to make me laugh! – but he’s not very familiar with this sort of dual-weapon fighting, while Rolf’s clearly an expert. Tristan and Rolf start circling each other, taking each other’s measure. Rolf lunges, and it turns out he’s faster than anyone Tristan has ever dueled, including Kluge. But it turns out to be a feint, and Tristan only barely manages to dodge the real blow, because of course he does. They trade a few more blows, and Tristan realizes he’ll have to go on the offensive if he wants to survive. He starts “windmilling” his weapons as fast as he can, which sounds both uncontrolled and completely ridiculous looking, but manages to force Rolf back. Still, Rolf manages to keep up with him and seems to be getting a feel for his fighting style.
Rolf disengages from Tristan and starts climbing up the rigging, before throwing his arm back and silently taunting Tristan to come after him. It was clear that the waiting spider had just dared the fly to come and enter his web, thank you for spelling that out, Newcomb, I’d never have guessed. And we’re suddenly in Tyranny’s head, as she almost cries out a warning to Tristan but holds back from fear of distracting him – apparently, she’s seen Rolf kill dozens of opponents using the tactic he’s using now. She and Scars trade a look, thinking that Tristan has just committed suicide. *flatly* Newcomb, no matter how hard you try to convince me he’s in danger… I’m not buying it. Tristan, of course, despite having a throwing knife doesn’t try to hit Rolf with it and instead accepts his taunt and climbs up to meet him. *facepalms* And so once Tristan’s in range, Rolf swings out from the rigging and slams into him with both feet, knocking him back to the deck. *rolls her eyes* Whoever saw this coming? Rolf follows him back down, raising his dagger… and suddenly Rolf’s expression turns to shock before his head literally falls off his shoulders; his body collapses to reveal Tyranny standing behind him, bloody sword in hand. On the one hand, good for her. I’m actually rather amazed Newcomb let her get the kill, instead of having the men fight over her like a prize. On the other hand, I suppose that’s it for Rolf. A rather anticlimactic end, all told, but no more than he deserved. I won’t miss him, at least.
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 89
Ash: Tristan gets to his feet in a daze, still trying to process what happened, while Tyranny just says she’s not sorry she killed Rolf (neither am I, though I have to share Irinali’s amazement her author let her!). Tristan… seems surprised she’s glad, while rubbing the back of his head? Does he think killing her abusive ex-lover would have been harder for her? Does he think he should have been gladder? Is he just concussed? A nearby Minion warrior comments that he’d have done it if Tyranny hadn’t, but she really seemed to want to, and who am I to contradict such a beautiful woman – especially one who seems to care so much for our lord! *flatly* Just a reminder that the Minions’ society was rigidly – and inexplicably – patriarchal until literally last year. Tristan looks around and seems more Minions gathering on and above the ship, while the rest of the pirate fleet has been immobilized and pinned in by the Minion armada. Then he spots Geldon, who was apparently dropped off by the gunwale, and runs over to embrace him. At least he recognizes one of the best characters in the series, relatively speaking, when he sees him?
Geldon tells Tristan how worried they all were about him and how they feared they’d never find him, and that the Minions become very irritable when they are concerned for the safety of their lord. *she glances back over the first book and all the loving descriptions of Minion atrocities* And that’s… something to laugh about, now? Geldon assures Tristan that everyone at the palace are well, or were when he left thirty days ago, and then Tristan introduces Tyranny and Scars to Traax. He notices Tyranny’s expression is dark and asks her what’s wrong, and she just looks over at her dead crewmates hung from the pirates’ ships. *she sighs sadly* Thank you, Tyranny, for continuing to be one of the only halfway-decent people in this story. Tristan puts his arm around her shoulder, tells her he’s sorry – and that if he had to make the same decision again, he would. *groans and facepalms* Dark Maiden’s sake, it’s one thing to think that, but now is not the time to say it! Are you at least going to feel a little guilt for your involvement in their deaths? And Tyranny says she’s not angry with him – but also that no amount of money in the world can make up for it. *whistles approvingly* Sounds like she is angry and just knows better than to say it outright in front of an army of Minions. And I, for one, don’t blame her.
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 81
Irinali: Tristan gives orders for the bodies to be cut down and wrapped in sailcloth – shouldn’t Tyranny be doing this? They’re her crew! – and then Tyranny thanks him for everything, which in context I can only read as very sarcastic. K’Jarr then approaches, goes down on one knee, and introduces himself (this really should have been Ox, shouldn’t it have?); he says it was an honor to fight for Tristan at Farplain, and today. Tristan thanks him, and then Traax comes over and says that the Revenge is taking on water and his shipwrights have told him the damage is irreparable (that was amazingly fast!). Apparently, they have no more than an hour. Tyranny is silent for a long moment, then just nods before telling Scars to save her charts and navigational tools. Tristan then whispers… something in her ear that for some reason we don’t hear, and Tyranny brightens at this and seems to think it will help, whatever “it” may be, and can’t believe she forgot “it.” Tristan gives K’Jarr some new orders – which we also don’t hear – and then Traax says they have one more issue to deal with. The pirates. The Minions have captured hundreds of pirate ships, with full crews aboard. Tristan doesn’t feel much sympathy for the pirates themselves – understandable – but he also doesn’t’ want to just order the Minions to kill them all, both because some of the Minions will likely die in the process and he needs all of them to fight Krassus, and because he doesn’t want that many deaths on his conscience. *she shakes her head* Amazing. Who knew he had it in him?
Finally, he tells the Minions to tow the pirates to Sanctuary and maroon them there and set up a blockade around the island. The rest of the armada is to head for Eutracia, bringing the captured pirate ships with them. Then, once they’re back in Tammerland, they can sit down with the wizards and come up with a more permanent solution (oh, look, Wigg is going to be tackling the problem of piracy, which has existed ever since one primitive paddled around a lake on a log and then another primitive came along, bashed him over the head with a club and took the log away from him – this will end well!). If the pirates reject the terms, or try to fight back, then Traax has permission to kill them in a fair fight, which strikes me as a terrible idea against people who certainly won’t be fighting fair. Traax agrees, and after he goes off, Tyranny starts talking about how amazing the Minions are and how she wishes she had them to fight for her against the demonslavers. Because, of course, now that the Minions are “good guys,” all other “good guys” simply must love them! *rolls her eyes* She wonders where the Minions came from and why they serve Tristan – clearly, this woman needs to pay more attention to local news, if she hadn’t heard that Tammerland was sacked by winged soldiers. The Minions do rather stand out… Tristan just says it’s a long story (it is at that – a bad story, mind, but a long one) and Tyranny assures him that he’ll have the two days to Eutracia to tell her.
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 91
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 82
Ash: Tristan assures Tyranny they’ll actually be in Tammerland by sunset and turns to where the Minions are overseeing the evacuation, pointing out Geldon’s litter where it’s sitting on the deck. Tyranny seems shocked by the idea of flying and refuses, but Tristan jokingly tells her your prince commands it. And then he literally grabs her by the arm and hauls her bodily over to the litter. *beat* Punch him, Tyranny. Please. We know you want to! Scars then returns from the maps and tools, his legs soaking wet from where the ship is already starting to flood. He gets into the litter, followed by Tristan, Geldon and finally Tyranny, who promises she’ll make Tristan pay for this. *sigh* Oh, I wish she would… Tristan acts like he… wants to pay for it… Dark Maiden, are they flirting? Stop it! Tristan turns back to Traax and gives him three days to carry out his orders, and then after that to return to Tammerland as fast as he can. Traax agrees and he and Tristan take each other’s arms, speaking no more words, for there was no need, and once again I’m left wondering who the real main couple of this book is. K’Jarr then returns with a package that Tristan has him lash to the top of the litter and tells him he wants him and fifty warriors to escort them home. Arrangements are made, and the litter takes off, and the chapter ends with Tristan thinking about how he’s finally going home, to see Wigg, Faegan, Abbey, and Shailiha and her baby. And Celeste. *beat* Tristan… I don’t think you even know Abbey, why are you mentioning her? And for someone who’s supposedly in love with Celeste, you’ve been getting awfully flirty with both Tyranny and Traax…
MG: Well, with this chapter, the pirate diversion comes to an end. And mostly it serves as a reminder that this whole subplot was pretty pointless – we could have had the Minions find Tyranny’s ship and rescue the crew after the screechling attack, and it would’ve played out more or less the same way. But I guess we needed the padding – and Rolf the gross misogynist pirate, he was such a necessary character. In fact, all the rigmarole about getting the People’s Revenge repaired ends up being pointless, since the ship just gets sunk anyway! The battle itself, of course, was pretty anticlimactic, especially once the Minions show up and easily hamstring the pirate armada – the narrative itself even points out how pointless the duel between Tristan and Rolf is, and Tyranny getting the kill is a good moment, but doesn’t make up for how shabbily the last few chapters have treated her (and Rolf’s death is still hilariously sudden). And then we have several pages of characters just standing around casually chatting about ways and means, which makes the battle feel even more unimportant than it already did. Anyway, pirate stuff is over now, save for Tyranny herself and her crew, who’ll be sticking around. I hope Newcomb had fun with it, because we sure didn’t. Next time, more Wulfgar and Krassus. Prepare to rage. Again. Our counts currently stand at:
Blood Matters: 188
Contrivances and Coincidences: 49
Dastardly Deeds: 126
Exposition Intrusion: 212
Gender Wars: 66
Gratuitous Grimdark: 52
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 91
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 84
Retcons and Revelations: 26
I’m also currently reading the Star Wars Expanded Universe comic series Dark Empire on my journal; check it out if you’re interested! Updates Tuesday and Thursday.
