Fellowship of the King Chapter Six: An Unexpected Meeting

[masterghandalf]

This is a repost from Das_sporking2. Previous installments of this sporking may be found here.

Warning: This chapter contains discussion of violence, racism, and mention of sexual violence.



MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Demetrious Polychron’s Fellowship of the King! Last time, we found out about how Bree has had a massive and inexplicable population boom and turned into a cheap, commercialized tourist trap in the process, while Elanor finally got to have that birthday party we’ve been hearing so much about (whew!) courtesy of the fawning staff of the Prancing Pony. Oh, and some travelers from Harad also had a conversation with a Mysterious Young Man™ in an out of the way corner of the common room; who could it be? Today, we learn the answer to that question, as well as getting some updates on what’s going on in Gondor and some backstory for everyone’s favorite edgelord, the Orcelven Prince. Joining us today will be Kasanari and Thalia!

Chapter 6: An Unexpected Meeting

Kasanari: I’ll have you know that Tharkos flatly refused to do this when he heard the part about a certain character’s history being revealed… this worries me. But, I suppose forewarned is forearmed, as they say…

Fastred could never remember how many times he and Elanor danced that night, but there was nothing else about that night he would ever forget.

Thalia: *whispering* I’m worried all the dancing may be placing Fastred under some manner of enchantment. Perhaps Alatar should take a look at him later? *beat* Unless, he was the one who cast it to begin with…

There were many others who wished to dance with Lady Elanor and Theo claimed every third dance. Between Fastred, Theo and the others who asked, she had never known such radiant praise and attention.

MG: …and now we’re in Elanor’s POV, inexplicably, and we’re back on the theme of her being showered with affection by absolutely everyone, because I guess we didn’t have enough of that last time!

It got late, the crowds thinned, but Elanor didn’t feel the least bit tired. Far too soon for her tastes, Butterbur came and fetched them from the Common Room. Carrying her present, he led them to the finest suite in the Prancing Pony.

Kasanari: …do innkeepers normally give their guests birthday presents in Middle-earth? Especially their guests who arrived unexpectedly, and who comes from cultures where they give presents, rather than getting them, on their birthdays? Or is this strictly because Everyone Loves Elanor, and we mustn’t forget it, ever?

Loremaster’s Headache: 76

Inside, Alatar and the tall young man were waiting for them. Setting her gift down without making introductions, Butterbur left.

Thalia: Clearly, he just wanted out as soon as he could! After Alatar threatened him last chapter I can’t blame him, poor man!

The young man smiled mischievously. He cupped Elanor’s fingers and bowed graciously.

Lifting her hand, he kissed the smooth skin above her knuckles,

Kasanari: *arching her eyebrow* Why do we need to know the skin above Elanor’s knuckles is smooth, exactly?

“Lady Elanor. I have heard so very much about you. Yet my sister’s praises do not do your extraordinary beauty justice. It is an honor and a privilege to finally meet. I am the Crown Prince Telcontar of Gondor.”

MG: Okay, “Telcontar” is correct (it means “Strider” in Quenya; Aragorn took it as the surname for his house after becoming king) but the phrasing feels a bit… off, mostly because it feels overly formal for the setting. Eldarion and Elanor are meeting at an inn, not being formally introduced at court; honestly, I’d have probably just had him introduce himself informally as “Eldarion” and then take a moment for Elanor to process just who this has to be.

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 23 (I think Eldarion is flirting with Elanor, too…)

“Y- your Highness!” Elanor cried, more shocked than she’d ever been meeting someone.

Thalia: No doubt making Alatar, who is standing right there, feel rather snubbed. Alas, apparently a prince ranks higher than a wizard when it comes to startling people!

She curtsied low and bowed her head.

The Prince’s laugh sounded much younger than his twenty-two years.

MG: I mean, his dad’s a throwback to the old Numenoreans and therefore long-lived, and his mom’s an elf who, even after becoming mortal, is still also very long-lived. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Eldarion is aging somewhat slower than a normal human would be…

Lifting her up, he set his finger under her chin and raised her eyes up even with his own,

Kasanari: Which presumably also involved him kneeling down, yes? Because Elanor is, presumably, around three and a half feet, and Eldarion has already been specified to be rather tall… unless “lifting her up” didn’t just mean “helping her out of her curtsy” but literally “picking her up like a child,” which sounds absolutely embarrassing.

“Since fate has seen fit to throw us together while we are hunted by the Enemy, we will dispense with formalities. Please,” he said, and with his eyes, he included Fastred and Theo in his earnest request, “I am Eldarion.”

Thalia: Perhaps he could have opened with that, and saved everyone much awkwardness? Or has he simply not realized that a room at an inn is less formal than a royal palace? He’s quite sheltered, isn’t he?

MG: Also, “the Enemy” is Sauron (unless you’re in the First Age, then it’s Morgoth). But both Sauron and Morgoth have been defeated, and neither of them are around at this point! Polychron has many, many villains running around out there, but no singular “Enemy” controlling them all (well… not yet, anyway… but we’ll get to that). It really feels like Polychron was trying to throw in a “Middle-earthian” turn of phrase here… without realizing why, in the context he’s established, it doesn’t actually make sense.

Loremaster’s Headache: 77

Fastred stood frozen, “I… I… am…”

“Théoden Brandybuck, son of the Master Meriadoc of Buckland, duly appointed Deputy Counselor of the North Kingdoms, in your and the King’s service, Eldarion,” Theo told him, bowing informally by way of courtesy – and then he winked. “But my friends call me Theo.”

Kasanari: I’m honestly glad he specified that his friends call him Theo, because having interrupted Fastred’s introduction, it almost sounds like he was calling him “Theoden Brandybuck!” Then again, if there’s more than one Incanus out there, I suppose multiple Theoden Brandybucks aren’t that surprising…

Eldarion laughed and shook his hand, “Very good Theo, thank you. My father holds you and your family in the highest regard.

Thalia: Aragorn holds Theo in the highest regard? Theo’s father, surely, but… has Aragorn even met Theo? Oh, dear, Theo’s been spying for him, hasn’t he!

The highest. If things were not so grim, he would laugh to hear of our meeting here like this, if I am ever able to share this with him.”

Kasanari: *crossly* He’d probably think you were trying to recreate family history – and not without reason!

Elanor pulled Fastred forward, “This is – ”

“Greenholm. Oh... sorry. Sir? Uh… no. I’m – Fastred.” He looked at Elanor and Theo, “Right?”

Thalia: Oh, dear. I think Fastred may still be under that enchantment from earlier. That, or he is becoming increasingly disoriented and confused by the story he’s a part of… in which case, he has suddenly become the most sympathetic character in the entire story!

“Eldarion, a pleasure Fastred,” the Prince said. He shook his hand and held his eye, “Any friend of the Gardners and Brandybucks is a friend of Gondor’s, and I hope, a friend of mine.”

Thalia: Actually, Fastred had been planning to follow in old Bilbo’s footsteps by becoming a burglar and getting some practice by picking Eldarion’s pocket later that evening, but he quickly reconsidered!

“Eldarion has been telling me the roads east of Bree are full of orcs and worse than orcs,” Alatar told them. “Who pause from hunting him only long enough to slaughter each other.”

Kasanari: The roads west of Bree as well, based on what we’ve literally seen happening in the Shire already!

“What’s worse than orcs?” Theo asked. “Oh, wait. Do you mean – ”

Thalia: *looking concerned* Theo, you remember hearing about this in Bag End, don’t you? Or are you under the enchantment as well? *beat* Are we going to have to sit through the explanation of the Orcelven a second time? It was bad enough once!

“Please, have a seat,” Eldarion said. He took a chair without distinction from eight set apart from the fire in a circle. They sat around a low table laden with refreshments. “It will be simpler if I start at the beginning of the tale which has led me to the Prancing Pony.”

Kasanari: Well, it isn’t the explanation of the Orcelven, but it is a tale… and it looks like we’ll be fear for a while…

* * * * *

During the Ages before the War of the Ring, the high-towered city of Minas Tirith had been built to resist Sauron.

MG: Okay, once again, this is very much a nitpick, but I do feel compelled to say that for one, Minas Tirith hasn’t stood for “Ages” except in a very technical sense – it was built at the tail end of the Second Age and the present is the very beginning of the Fourth, but the overwhelming majority of its history would have been in the Third Age. For another, saying it was “built” to resist Sauron is rather an overstatement, though that eventually became its primary purpose; when it was initially founded, it was assumed that Sauron had died in the Downfall of Numenor, and then after the War of the Last Alliance he was assumed dead again and it was millennia before his forces occupied Mordor again. And finally, as we’ve noted before, the city was founded as Minas Anor and was renamed Minas Tirith later. All of this is, again, nitpicky, and doesn’t have any real effect on the story – but even so, you’d expect Eldarion to get the history of his own home city right!

Loremaster’s Headache: 80

For centuries, more than a city, it had resembled a walled fortress at the base of Mount Mindolluin, the easternmost peak of the White Mountains. Carved from impenetrable rock and consisting of seven levels, each one was isolated from the others by its own great white wall. Each wall rose more than a hundred feet and individual gates stood at opposite ends from the one at the level above. One shoulder of the mountain rose through the middle of the city forming a great cliff. It flattened out and peaked in the center of the sixth level. Dividing every level except the seventh and the black outer walls of the first, it rose like the prow of a ship, pointing east. Our white walls faced east and the eyes of our people looked always on the distant lands of Mordor, as well as her allies in Rhûn, Khand and Harondor.

Thalia: …why does Polychron think we need to get a massive description of things we already know? Why does Eldarion think we need a massive description of one of the most famous places in Middle-earth? Is the epidemic of memory loss spreading?

MG: Also… Harondor (South Gondor) was the southernmost province of Gondor, bordering Harad. By the time of the War of the Ring, it was disputed between Gondor and Harad, and mostly uninhabited by the people of either nation. So… what’s it doing on this list? Did Polychron mean to say “Harad” and got mixed up?

Loremaster’s Headache: 81

A seventh level had been built on the very top. Its white walls were the only ones not divided in the center by the cliff or on the sides by the rising mountain, so they were perfectly round. Within the circle of the seventh level, seven high towers rose more than a hundred feet above the battlements. In the center of the towers, rising more than three hundred feet, there stood the great White Tower of Echthilion. It was the symbol of our duty and our pride: to guard the West from our Enemy, keeping the people of Middle-earth safe from the evil of Mordor.

Before the Tower’s main entrance stood the Fountain and Garden of the White Tree.

Kasanari: …I am compelled to wonder the same thing Thalia is. Just what, exactly, demands that Eldarion recap all of this information for us? Surely we can be expected to know it? Surely Elanor, the daughter of Samwise, can be expected to know it?

After my parents married, my mother Queen Arwen removed the single royal throne which had towered over everyone’s head in the first level. She opened the false ceiling of the highest level and had two tall royal thrones built side-by-side. They stood in the newly expanded throne room at the top of the tower for the King and Queen. The flag of Elendil, bearing a crowned white tree surmounted by seven stars, was embroidered with mithril by my mother before the war. It rose even higher, more than a thousand feet above the plains, waving proudly in the mountain winds.

Thalia: Why did Arwen decide to place the new throne room at the pinnacle of the tower rather than at its base? Does that not strike anyone else as somewhat… unsafe? What if someone fell out a window? What if someone is afraid of heights? Did Arwen simply have an inexplicable desire to emulate Sauron she now had the opportunity to indulge?

MG: More to the point, as far as we can tell from LotR, the throne room of the kings (and Stewards) of Gondor is in a separate building located at the base of the White Tower, not inside the tower itself. And considering said throne room had been in use continually for at least a millennium and a half (ever since the capital was moved to Minas Anor from Osgiliath), with even the Stewards setting up their seat there (albeit placing said seat at the base of the dais, rather than using the royal throne at the top, for symbolic reasons) it seems likely it holds rather a lot of important cultural significance and probably shouldn’t be tampered with lightly, especially by a queen who is, after all, not actually Gondorian herself (though now I have a mental image of an increasingly frustrated Faramir, weighted down with all manner of important historical documents, as he patiently tries to explain to Arwen why moving the throne room to the top of the White Tower is unfeasible, before finally giving up in resignation). Also, so far as we know, the topmost chamber of the White Tower seems to be a small room where the Palantir of Minas Tirith was kept (and probably couldn’t be expanded without greatly restructuring the whole tower). Not exactly a suitable royal audience hall!

Bigger, Louder, More!: 23 (of course the throne room must be placed in the most visually striking location, common sense be damned)

Loremaster’s Headache: 82

Beyond the Old City walls, for miles in every direction stood the Pelennor Fields. They were once kept green by the diverted waters of the River Anduin. Enriched by mountain soil, we had grown the greatest variety of crops, fruits and vegetables in the whole of Middle-earth.

MG: Okay… this is a very rare occasion where I’ll actually give Polychron credit even over Jackson. He remembered that the Pelennor fields are comprised of the immense amount of fertile farmland necessary to support Minas Tirith, something Tolkien took pains to note but other adaptations almost always forget! *applauds sincerely* Well done, Demetrious Polychron! Unfortunately, he’s about to ruin it, as we’ll see…

Centuries of conflict had forced us to enclose these fields in a marvel of civil engineering: the walls of the Rammas Echor. They protected our people, and the wealth and bounty of our kingdom. During the War of the Ring, the City watched helplessly from the walls as orcs and Easterlings overran the Rammas Echor. They burned and polluted the fields, destroying our greatest source of wealth, in which we had labored for centuries.

Kasanari: …and I suppose the Haradrim were all busy sightseeing in the ruins of Osgiliath and never got around to all of this field overrunning and wealth destroying, then?

After the war, within the Pelennor Fields – no crops could now be grown.

MG: Okay… I’m pretty sure this isn’t the case. It’s explicitly noted that when the Gondorians burned the body of the Witch-King’s mount, that piece of ground was left permanently blackened and nothing grew there again. But it feels like it wouldn’t be at all notable if the entire Pelennor was similarly devastated, would it?

So we cultivated the fallow fields beyond the walls. Enriched by tribute and trade, the empty fields were populated by our returning exiled people and refugees from distant lands. Within those walls rose great houses, marketplaces, and many beautiful open-air parks and gardens. Enriched by many cultures, they filled the miles which had once held the Pelennor Fields. Over the years, the city of Minas Tirith has grown all the way to the walls of the Rammas Echor and far beyond.

MG: Oh dear lord, it’s happening again! What is Polychron’s deal with massive and inexplicable urban expansion happening across Middle-earth? Annuminas, Bree, and now Minas Tirith! I mean, even by the time of LotR, the city as it stood then was explicitly noted to be inhabited by only a fraction of the population it could comfortably hold – Pippin and Gandalf pass enough households that have clearly stood empty and unused for a long time for Pippin (not exactly the most observant of LotR’s main characters!) to take note of it! But now, not only has the city inexplicably become fully inhabited, it’s now bloated to be so huge it’s swallowed up the entire Pelennor Fields! Tolkien doesn’t give us firm dimensions for this area, but the circumference of the Rammas Echor seems to have been around thirty miles. That’s quite a lot! And all of the space it encloses has now become city (a surface area which, by my rough and probably wrong calculations, would tremendously exceed even that of some of Minas Tirith’s historical inspirations, like Rome or Constantinople, massive cities for their day). Even with “our returning exiled people and refugees from distant lands” I have absolutely no idea of how so much city was populated, especially with people also leaving Gondor to resettle Arnor! What the hells, Demetrious Polychron?

Bigger, Louder, More!: 24

The levels rising above the black outer walls of the lowest level, built not from mountain rock, but the same impenetrable Númenórean stone as the walls of the Tower of Orthanc, was now exclusively the administrative center of the United Kingdoms of Arnor and Gondor. After ascending her throne, all seven levels were rechristened by my mother, the Royal Palace of Anor.

MG: And how much administrative apparatus does Polychron expect Gondor to have that an entire city’s area (the largest city in western Middle-earth at the time, even!) had to be given over exclusively to it! Rome didn’t have that much bureaucracy! AFAIK, no pre-modern state did, or could! And while what we see of Gondor in the books deals almost entirely with Gondor at war, and therefore we don’t get a good sense of its peacetime organization, we’re left with the implication that while Gondor is much more centrally administered than, say, Rohan, local lords (like Imrahil) still have a lot of authority when it comes to actually running their fiefdoms because, well, it’s hard to organize everything from a single capital with premodern communications, logistics and travel times (and Aragorn is almost certainly going to have to establish Annuminas as a secondary capital in the North to administer that territory; Rome IRL eventually had to establish separate capitals at Rome itself and Constantinople with multiple co-emperors at a time, and we don’t see far enough into the Fourth Age to learn how the Reunited Kingdom is going to end up managing this much territory – or how long it will last). Early medieval European kingdoms, by contrast, often didn’t really have a “capital” as such, since the monarchs had to spend most of their time on progress just to keep all their vassals in line. I just… don’t think Polychron has thought this through, like, at all.

Also… what about everyone who lived and worked in Minas Tirith who wasn’t officially part of the government? Did Aragorn and Arwen just… throw them all out? I can only imagine that made some very well-connected, very proud, “I can trace my family tree back to Numenor on both sides and don’t you forget it!” nobles very, very testy, and the royal couple were lucky they didn’t get assassinated! To say nothing of the common people!

Bigger, Louder, More!: 25

Expansion-Pack World: 12

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 15

The sixth level was the personal residence for me and my family. Before I left earlier this month, it was the only home I had ever known. I grew up there, honored and proud to serve equally the people of Middle-earth and the descendants of Númenor.

Thalia: *concerned* Maybe someone should tell him that his parents apparently took over an entire city to turn into their private residence and headquarters, and that other people lived there before that? Just… just so he’s aware?

The morning that changed my life forever began as any other. The throne room was filled with the usual envoys from tributary provinces and a few others I did not immediately recognize.

Those granted audiences with my father and mother, the High King Elessar and High Queen Arwen, spent months being vetted, their cases heard by a slew of counselors. They were carefully distinguished from the throngs easily decided by lower authorities and lesser officials. Few found their way to the top of the White Tower, invariably thanks to long standing family connections, the pledge of great wealth for the benefit of our people, the most extraordinary service to the United Kingdoms, or the gravest and most urgent need.

Kasanari: I’m I the only one who notices that Aragorn, the man who spent much of his early life traveling to place to place and commonly regarded as a rootless vagabond, apparently placed “family connections” and “great wealth” ahead of “service” and “urgent need?” Does that… bother anyone else? It certainly does me…

This made the delegation from Hildória unusual.

MG: Hmmm. Everyone the king meets is heavily vetted for months before being allowed into his presence, with money and family connections being prized above more urgent concerns… even delegations from foreign kingdoms are apparently usually dealt with by lower officials and don’t actually get to meet the king… I’m seriously starting to wonder if, after getting thrown out by Azula, Long Feng and the Dai Li moved to Middle-earth and managed to wriggle their way into performing their old tricks in Minas Tirith instead? Hey, that might explain how Minas Tirith got so freaking huge – Polychron’s confused it with Ba Sing Se!

Hildória had been a mystery for years. Our histories and legends say in the west of Hildória, the red cliffs of the Orocarni mountains provided the red earth for the Sands of the Great Sleep. The first Elves and Men slept at the feet of the mountains. A waterfall fell from a high cliff into a great inland lake called the Sea of Helcar. It had formed around the ruins of the Lamp Illuin. The falls were called the Waters of Awakening and they washed the Sands of the Great Sleep from the eyes of the first Elves and Men, fashioned by Ilúvatar, and they awoke.

MG: Okay, again, nitpicks (and this gets into some very deep in-universe mythology, so it’s somewhat open how literally true this is meant to be) but since this actually is going to be plot-relevant, I think I’m going to address it. So, for one, a lot of Polychron’s descriptions of the Orocarni, Cuivienen and the Sea of Helcar, Illuin etc. is broadly accurate (though I strongly suspect he just cribbed it from TolkienGateway or other online sources). But “Waters of Awakening” is just the literal meaning of Cuivienen, the bay beside which the first elves awoke, and they were awoken by Eru directly, not by having some sort of mystical sand washed from their eyes (this is going to be a plot point later…). And Men did not awake in Cuivienen – humanity first arose in Hildorien, a different place about which we know even less, but was even farther east, and their awakening was millennia later. But, as we’ll see, some of Polychron’s takes on Arda’s prehistory are a little… weird. This is perhaps the mildest example.

Loremaster’s Headache: 84

These people migrated to the north, south and west, spreading across the world. From their descendants, my mother Queen Arwen was born almost three-thousand years ago, the daughter of Elrond and Celebrían, once the Elven King and Queen of Imladris, known as Rivendell among Men. My grandparents passed West from East Mithlond in the Grey Havens.

Thalia: Wouldn’t both your parents have been born from among their descendants, since Polychron seems to think Men and Elves both awoke in the same spot? Unless… Aragorn was an unusually tall dwarf the whole time! I knew it!

But my mother made the choice of Lúthien, to marry a man. She became mortal and bore mortal children. One day she will receive the ‘Gift of Men’ and on that day, she will die.

Aside from my sisters and my mother’s Elven twin brothers, my uncles Elladan and Elrohir, my best friends are Prince Elboron and his sister, the Princess Niphredil of Ithilien. Also, Prince Ælfwine Éadig of Rohan and his sisters, the Princesses Éodyn, Idris, Liathwyn and Minwyn. They are the son and daughters of King Éomer and Queen Lothíriel, our closest allies.

MG: Okay, some commentary on names. “Prince Elboron” is Faramir and Eowyn’s son; he’s a canon character. Princess Niphredil of Ithilien is an OC; she’s named for a flower found in Lorien; considering the use of Sindarin names among the Gondorians, and Faramir’s own scholarly inclinations, this checks out. “Prince Elfwine” is Eomer’s son (not sure why Polychron changed the spelling of the name; Aelfwine, or Eriol, is a separate person, a scrapped character from the framing story of the Book of Lost Tales before it evolved into the Sil), but “Eadig” (“blessed”) is an epithet for Eomer specifically, not a house name that would be passed on to his son (the Rohirrim don’t use surnames; like most people in Middle-earth, they’d describe themselves as being of the House of Famous Ancestor X if asked for a family name – in Elfwine’s case, he’s of the House of Eorl, obviously). His sisters are OCs; I don’t know enough Old English to tell if they check out as Rohirric names, though I’m not seeing them on any lists of actual Old English names.

Linguistic Confusions: 17

I know and am friends with a great many others, from the short sallow Men of the northern ice fields of Forodwaith, to the dark swarthy Easterners, and the large dark-skinned Men in Northern, Greater and South Harad.

Kasanari: *coolly* Oh, yes. You are clearly such great friends with these people – which is why you describe them strictly by their physical appearances, and not by any details of their culture or, perhaps more tellingly, by naming any individuals you know! You rattled off the names of your fellow nobles well enough!

But the people of Hildória were new to me. Their kingdom rose in the aftermath of the last War of the Ring from the ruins of Hildórien, Helcariä, Hitherien and East Rhûn. Those lands had been united during the war by their legendary warrior leader, Guan Qubing The Great.

MG: Okay, some of this we’ve been over before, but… Hildorien, as far as we know, was not a nation, just the region humanity originated from (and now we have confirmation that “Hildorien” and “Hildoria” are two separate things, whee!). Helcaria… could be named for the Inland Sea of Helcar, though it’s not clear if that still exists by the late Third / Early Fourth Ages (Christopher Tolkien apparently thought it plausible that the Sea of Helcar had mostly dried up by then, leaving remnants like the Sea of Rhun, though he was never sure if that was his father’s actual intention) or the Helcaraxe (the Grinding Ice in the strait separating Aman from Middle-earth in the First Age… which not only also doesn’t exist any more by the time of this story, but would have been on literally the other side of the continent when it did). Hitherien… I’ve got nothing (it could be a Sindarin name having to do with fog… but I’m not sure why anywhere that far east would have a Sindarin name). And Rhun is also still a very large region, not a unified country.

And I must say… not sure about the implied backstory here, either. For one, I have no idea if Sauron’s dominion would have stretched far enough to the east for the War of the Ring to have actually affected this region. While one of the versions of what the Blue Wizards were up to had them organizing resistance against Sauron in Rhun and Harad, considering the absolutely huge distances involved, for what would be the eastern coast of the Middle-earth continent to be so caught up into things that nations literally fell and were created seems… somewhat unlikely (Polychron could’ve avoided the issue outright by just making it a separate conflict taking place at around the same time). And, if the name “Guan Qubing” doesn’t cue you in, Polychron is indeed going to be presenting Hildoria as Middle-earth’s version of China. And, as I mentioned in the Last Ringbearer sporking, having an empire east of Rhun that’s sort of like China, in the way that Gondor is sort of like the Byzantine Empire, certainly isn’t a terrible idea… but I’m not sure Polychron quite does it justice. And my own knowledge of Chinese isn’t nearly good enough to tell if “Guan Qubing” works out as an actual name or not (I’ve poked around with some translators and, as one might imagine with a language that complex, gotten some mixed results) so I’m not going to be discussing that (though it does leave me wondering about how the China-equivalent country nonetheless ended up with a Sindarized name… maybe that’s just what the Gondorians call them, but if so, it’s not made clear). And, again, the most recent war against Sauron was just “the War of the Ring” – that was the name for that war specifically, there weren’t any other wars of the Ring to confuse it with!

Linguistic Confusions: 21

Loremaster’s Headache: 86

Their skin seemed fairer. Their hair, like most Elves, was darker, and their eyes seemed Elven-wise. Their speech and bearing, like the Elves, was more quiet and reserved.

This is only a guess, but I believe at the beginning of Middle-earth there was an interbreeding of Elves and Men far beyond the few recorded instances in the west, like that of my mother and father. For the people of Hildória, though mortal, I daresay, look more like Elves than Elves. They certainly look more like Elves than me.

Thalia: …I’m confused. Eldarion presumably takes after his father, but wouldn’t the elves, by definition, look more like elves than any non-elves? Otherwise, things might get very confusing!

MG: And, okay, this kind of bugs me. Yes, the “three unions of elves and men” (Beren and Luthien, Tuor and Idril, Aragorn and Arwen) figure that sometimes gets bandied about is specifically for the Eldar and the Edain and doesn’t cover marriages between other groups of elves and Men; the Princes of Dol Amroth are supposed to be descended from a Silvan Elf woman named Mithrellas, for example, and that’s not counting human/elf romances that didn’t work out (including Andreth and Aegnor and Turin and Finduilas) and the door is certainly open for more! But what bugs me is that this physical description makes it very clear the Hildorians have what we would consider East Asian features… and directly attributes said features to nonhuman ancestry. It’s not really dwelled on (and certainly, being descended from elves is nothing to be ashamed of in Middle-earth lore!) and I’ve certainly seen Silmarillion fancasts for elves (especially Noldor) with Asian actors, but even so, this really feels like an area to think about the implications of what you’re writing, Polychron!

One particular warrior of Hildória had been brought to my father’s attention for having provided great service to Prince Faramir and Princess Éowyn. It was during their efforts to drain the Dead Marshes, defeat the orcs roaming the plains beyond the Morannon, and beat back the attacking armies of King Dominus of Rhûn, and those of Thüringel, Queen of Mordor.

Kasanari: Oh, and does this “particular warrior” have a name, or is Polychron going to keep us guessing?

MG: No, he does not have a name – at least not one we ever learn! Because this character, as we’ll see, is nothing more than a plot device despite how his introduction hypes him up. But it’s all the more jarring when writing in Middle-earth, because you can be damned sure Tolkien would’ve given this guy a name, and probably a lineage.

Kasanari: *flatly* I see. What a wonderful and respectful writer Polychron is proving himself to be!

In Faramir’s last campaign against Rhûn, the armies of Ithilien and Hildória came together, uniting in a common cause.

MG: Okay, here’s something else that bugs me. Gondor, as I’ve noted repeatedly in past sporkings, is heavily inspired by Mediterranean cultures and empires, and Tolkien himself noted that geographically, Gondor proper is supposed to correspond roughly to Italy. Hildoria is apparently supposed to be roughly equivalent to China, and if it incorporates what used to be ancient Hildorien, it’ll indeed be on the eastern coast of Middle-earth, through thousands of miles of largely hostile terrain. IRL, for example, the Roman and Han Empires were certainly aware of each other, and iirc it wasn’t unknown for individual travelers from one empire to end up in the other, but with premodern travel times and communications, any sort of permanent relations was basically impossible, much less an active alliance. And Middle-earth doesn’t even seem to have a Silk Road equivalent (likely because Mordor was in the way). Now, a post-War of the Ring saga about an expedition from Gondor going east, trying to find out what lies beyond Mordor and Rhun and establish relations with the nations out there, could potentially be a very interesting concept… but Polychron just sort of has it happen as an afterthought, without any concern for the vast distances and cultural differences involved. Especially jarring considering Tolkien rather famously did put quite a lot of thought into the timing and logistics of long-distance travel in Middle-earth!

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 16

During the fighting, a warrior of Hildória was defending Faramir, who had been injured. This warrior was horribly burned, yet fought on alone. Single handedly, he defeated an entire company, saving Faramir’s life and was hailed by all, a hero. Prince Faramir proclaimed him the finest warrior he had ever seen. High praise in deed.

Thalia: Oh, my. If I was Boromir, I’d be feeling rather inadequate right now. The mightiest man may be slain by one arrow – but apparently that doesn’t apply to the Men of Hildoria, if one alone can best an entire company and live! I fear fate may be sparing him for some other, darker end…

MG: Sadly, if by “fate” you mean “Demetrious Polychron…” you would be right.

Yet his injuries left him horribly disfigured. He was kept alive by doctors, wrapping him in bandages and covering his skin. They festered and bled through, and had to be changed daily.

During their journey from Rhûn to Minas Tirith, this warrior was joined by Guan Qubing, his wife Wenquing, the Crown Prince Xiang and his sisters. These were the Princesses Pingyang, Qianjin, Taipinga, and Tzu His. They brought many gifts for the communities of Ithilien and Gondor. And of course, they were searched.

Kasanari: “Many gifts” – we won’t specify what those are, but we’ll assure you they must have been lavish! And Polychron does remember that Guan Qubing is no mere visiting dignitary, but the very emperor of Hildoria, does he not? Is he meant to be approaching Aragorn as a petitioner and not an equal? Admittedly, my experience is mostly limited to what I’ve heard of Emperor Coaltongue and Lord Shaaladel – both proud, domineering men – but I don’t think heads of state usually submit themselves to another’s authority in such away, unless one is the vassal of the other, which is not the case here! Why aren’t the emperor’s men searching Aragorn and his entourage as well, at least? And shouldn’t Guan Qubing traveling across the entire continent to visit Minas Tirith be a much grander production than this is implying it is?

The bandages of the disfigured hero

Kasanari: …the absence of a name is indeed becoming quite glaring, and quite grating, is it not?

were removed and his identity confirmed at every security check point along the way, including outside the doors of the Tower of Echthilion. He had been brought to receive my father’s thanks for saving his personal and much loved friend, Prince Faramir. For his service to the Kingdom, his reward was to be a large grant of land in Ithilien, his in perpetuity, in exchange for the Oath of Allies, Cirion and Eorl, and of Peace.

MG: Okay, one, why is Aragorn – or Faramir – giving a foreign warrior who lives half a continent or more away a land grant in Gondor? Are there no Gondorian nobles who might be rather put out that the king is giving a fief in their kingdom to the subject of a foreign emperor? Is the nameless warrior still a subject of Guan Qubing, or is he going to move to Gondor full time to oversee his new estates? Also, the Oath of Cirion and Eorl is specifically about the alliance between Gondor and Rohan – in return for their aid in battle, Steward Cirion of Gondor gave Eorl, chief of the Eotheod (ancestors of the Rohirrim) the Gondorian province of Calenardhon to be his kingdom, which became Rohan; Eorl in turn swore to always ride to Gondor’s aid in war, should they call for it, an oath that was also binding on his heirs. While Nameless Warrior is getting some land, he doesn’t seem to be establishing a whole new country, so the context here is wholly different.

Loremaster’s Headache: 87

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 20

They arrived that morning led by Prince Faramir and Princess Éowyn. I stood at the back of the throne room with Elboron, Niphredil and my sisters, as I often did, observing. Their delegation was of medium size. The ruler of Hildória had disdained the noble title ‘King.’ He styled himself with the curiously, more local and strangely tribal-sounding honorific ‘Emperor.’

Thalia: *looking around concernedly* Shhh, don’t let Tharkos hear you say that! I think he might burst a blood vessel if he heard you call the title “emperor” tribal, poor man.

MG: And… yeah, I have no idea what’s going here with the talk of titles. Is Polychron trying to be ironic? I don’t think it’s working… Anyway, the title “emperor” doesn’t seem to exist in Tolkien’s Middle-earth. Even the three greatest tyrants in Arda’s history – Morgoth, Sauron, and Ar-Pharazon – never used it. Even monarchs who rule over other monarchs tend to just style themselves as “high king.” Now, in IRL history, “emperor” was, in a sense, originally a humbler title compared to “king.” It derives from the Latin “imperator,” which traditionally meant a general (implicitly, a victorious general); Augustus and his heirs called themselves that because the Romans hated monarchy, and thus even though the emperors were monarchs in every way that mattered, at least the early emperors (under the Principate) avoided most outwardly monarchial trappings, including the title “rex.” Now, moving over to China, I believe (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong!) the story is a bit different; the title “Huangdi,” usually rendered as “emperor” in English, was in fact specifically used by the First Emperor to give himself a title that marked him as superior to other monarchs. This seems to be closer to what Guan Qubing, who unified “Hildoria” seemingly out of the remains of several older countries, is doing. In which case Eldarion can’t help but feel like he’s kind of racist, just sneering at the foreign title for no readily apparent reason other than “it’s foreign.”

Emperor Guan Qubing brought his son, the Crown Prince Xiang Qubing, a company of ambassadors, doctors, and of course their patient, the badly burned and bandaged warrior.

It was a momentous occasion. Many hoped it would herald a new beginning of trade and friendly relations. We hoped it would lay the groundwork for an alliance with a distant though powerful kingdom, to stand united against our mutual enemies in Rhûn and Mordor.

Kasanari: Allies so far away that even communicating with them will take a better part of a year… but I suppose that’s better than nothing? Perhaps the Great Eagles will be willing to form a courier service… though I somehow doubt it.

When the burned warrior approached the base of the throne, I saw Emperor Guan tap the hand of his son discreetly. Xiang did not overtly react other than, as inconspicuously as possible, he detached himself from his party. Making his way around the back, he approached our group, where we were sharing our impressions and talking unobtrusively.

Thalia: Actually, Eldarion only thought he was talking unobtrusively. Actually, the acoustics of the room meant everyone could hear every word he said, they were just too polite to say so – how embarassing1

“Prince Xiang is very brave,” said the willowy blond, sixteen-year-old Niphredil.

“What makes you say that?” asked Celendrian, my dark-haired, eighteen-year-old sister.

Kasanari: Is… is Eldarion really taking the time out of his story to describe his own friends and relatives? Which might make some sense, except that Celendrian is the only one Elanor actually knows, and therefore shouldn’t need a description at all! And if he was meaning to introduce these people for complete strangers, he should give more description than this!

“He’s navigating a room of potentially hostile foreigners,” Niphredil answered. “Imagine being unarmed in a room full of orcs and leaving your guards to walk among them alone.”

Thalia: …ah, last I checked, Gondor has never been at war with Hildoria? Unless there’s something you’re not telling us…

“You’re too sensitive to people’s feelings,” Celendrian told her. “I would hate being that sensitive. We need to grow you a thicker skin.”

Kasanari: …all she said was that Xiang is brave for maintaining his composure in a strange room full of foreigners. In what way is that “thin-skinned?” I’m genuinely curious!

“You’re looking too low, Cel,” my best friend, the blond-haired, eighteen-year-old Prince Elboron told Celendrian, teasing his own sister. “The skin around her head is already too thick!”

Thalia: *rubbing her own horns thoughtfully* Is… is that a problem? Wouldn’t you want the skin – and skull – on your head to be thick, to protect what’s inside!

“Elboron!” Elerith said laughing, my vivacious, blond-haired, sixteen-year-old sister.

“You’re the worst brother ever!”

“Only compared to Eldarion,” he told her, a sideways smile at me.

MG: …and now all these people just sound like painfully modern teenagers. *sighs* I suppose even trying to make them sound like actual Gondorian royalty – who tend to be very formal and reserved in public, from what we see – is a bit too much to ask?

“Eldarion thinks Hildórians might be descended from Elves,” Niphredil told Celendrian.

“Really?” Celendrian asked. “Elves are catnip to my brother. We have to keep him away from Xiang’s sisters. Courting a foreign princess would be too complicated.”

Kasanari: Speaking as an elf, I do not wish to be “catnip” to any human prince, in this world or any other. It sounds extremely uncomfortable. And, beg pardon, but if Eldarion isn’t to marry a foreign princess, who is he to marry, exactly? The number of women of comparable station, whose marriages would bring advantage to Gondor and the house of Telcontar, is probably rather low. If the alliance with Hildoria is so important, sealing it with a marriage would be entirely sensible!

“If one of them consented to a marriage, we’d be allies,” Elboron told her.

Thalia: And if one of the princesses slapped Eldarion after he made a mildly unfavorable comment about her hairstyle, why, then they would be enemies for all eternity! *beat* Perhaps keeping the prince and princesses away from one another is the wiser course after all…

“Then we should marry Elerith off to Xiang,” Celendrian teased.

“I don’t share Eldarion’s obsession with all things Elvish,” Elerith responded, then she dimpled. “But he is very handsome.”

Kasanari: You don’t even know if he has any elven blood, which seems to be an assumption based on specific elements of his appearance! Perhaps you might consider knowing who he is personally before judging him? And why Elerith, specifically?

Celendrian turned to me, “Would you consent to a marriage of convenience for an alliance with Hildória?”

Kasanari: …you’re royalty. You’d all have known from as soon as you were old enough to know what marriage was that you’d most likely marry for the greater good of the kingdom. Personally, I think that sounds rather stifling – but then, I have the great fortune to not be royalty!

“That may not be necessary,” I responded.

Thalia: Well. That sounds… ominous. Have you gotten one of your sisters engaged without telling her, Eldarion? You really are the worst brother ever!

Smiling, I turned to my younger sister. “Be your most charming self, Elerith. Here comes Prince Xiang.”

There was no opportunity for romance. In fierce whispers, his clamorous emotions incredibly restrained, Xiang implored me to step outside, where we could speak in private on an urgent matter of life and death.

Kasanari: …which is why you waited until the beginning of a very important meeting between both of your parents, which might seal an alliance, however improbably, between two of the most powerful nations on the continent? Was sending a servant with a message when you first arrived in the city too much to ask? Or did the Hildorians come straight to the audience as soon as they arrived, without ever being settled in anywhere first? Which seems… unlikely, considering how royalty travel on state visits!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 21

I knew the Prince had been searched and he was not carrying any weapons. My Elvish uncles Elladan and Elrohir were there watching me, as always, their special charge.

Thalia: The Guards of the Citadel, meanwhile, were distracted by a dice game and were completely oblivious to any threat to their charge’s life! In their defense, it was a very high stakes dice game!

I excused myself from my family and friends, telling them I would return momentarily.

Just outside the wide open, heavy-stone throne room door, we stepped into the outer hall.

Beyond anyone else’s easy hearing, I asked Xiang to speak freely. Before he could, within the throne room, the bandaged warrior addressed my parents.

Kasanari: *facepalm* And something tells me this is going to prove to be why you don’t wait until the very last minute to send your secret messages!

“Greetings, High King Elessar and High Queen Arwen,” the warrior said. Normally, they would return the greeting. Breaking protocol, the warrior went on, “Until this moment, I had not believed you, Queen Arwen, had forsaken your immortality for this mortal man. Yet seeing how cruel the years have been engraved upon your terribly ravaged face – it must be true.”

Kasanari: Oh, no, she’s suffered that most terrible of all fates – aging! Whatever shall she do?

MG: Okay, now, Arwen did become mortal after she married Aragorn… but she seems to have still had a Numenorean equivalent lifespan, rather than that of an ordinary human. For one, her uncle Elros Tar-Minyatur canonically lived for centuries after choosing mortality. For another, we know Aragorn himself lived more than a century after the events of the War of the Ring, and Arwen outlived him. And finally, Tolkien himself confirmed it in some of the essays on elvish and Numenorean aging in The Nature of Middle-earth, though I don’t know if Polychron would’ve had a chance to read that while working on this, since that book is so new. So, I’m really not sure if Arwen would have visibly aged that much in the twenty-odd years since she became mortal. On the other hand, this character is absolutely doing this on purpose to needle her; he might well have mocked her about her mortality even if she looked exactly the same as when he last knew her. On the third hand, we’ve seen plenty of bad writers with significant hangups about aging… and I think there’s reason to suspect that Polychron is one of that number.

Gasps of disbelief and disapproval mixed with cries of outrage. They rose from many places throughout the room and grew, beginning with Faramir himself.

My father raised his hand and silenced them. “Who are you to speak thus to my Queen?”

Ignoring him, the warrior addressed my mother, “I know it has been centuries, and my face is bandaged, but how can you fail to recognize your own kin?”

MG: So… yeah. It’s Orcelven Prince Backstory time. Strap in, because this is going to get ugly.

“Who are you?” my mother asked.

From the bandaged face came a mocking laugh, empty of mirth, “Memory has indeed failed you since becoming mortal my dear, sweet, sister.”

Thalia: *rocking back and forth* I don’t like this…

Kasanari: *puts a reassuring arm around her shoulders*

Shock filled my mother’s face and her hand went to her mouth, “No! You… it can’t be– ” she turned to my father, “ – him.”

Kasanari: Ah, yes, that greatest of enemies, the mighty and terrible… him. *beat* And who is “him,” exactly? It’s not an uncommon pronoun, is it?

“Allow me to set your mind at ease Queen Arwen,” the warrior said.

Thalia: *weakly* Ah, yes. This is clearly the Orcelven Prince – he speaks only in villainous cliches! I wonder who cursed him thus, and to what purpose…

Unraveling his bandages, he revealed the hideous face of a strangely disfigured, yet noble looking orc.

Faramir drew his sword, “Beware the orc!”

Kasanari: On the one hand, knowing who this is, I can’t blame Faramir for this, especially in the same room as his daughter… but even so, the most the Prince has done thus far is to be rude. Are you going to kill him just for his race? That seems unlikely for the gallant Faramir!

“I am not an orc!” the warrior cried.

Thalia: I think you’re half of one, actually? Maybe if you’re so determined not to be an orc, you shouldn’t include the word “orc” in the names of all the servant races you, ah, sire?

He drew himself up, indignant, “I am the son of Queen Celebrían and the adopted son of King Elrond, named by him, Prince Estel!”

Kasanari: …wouldn’t that make him Elrond’s stepson, if he’s the son of Elrond’s wife?

MG: I think so, yes. And also, quite aside from the fact that Elrond and Celebrian were a lord and lady, not a king and queen… we now have the Orcelven Prince’s true name. Estel. Yes, the same name that Aragorn had as a child. Yes, we are going to get an explanation. Yes, it’s going to be stupid. Oh, and we also now have official confirmation of what was only implied before – that Estel is indeed Celebrian’s son, conceived when she was raped by an orc king in captivity. Because clearly that is something the Legendarium desperately needed!

Feel My Edge: 24

“What?!” my father cried. He turned to my mother, “Is this true?”

My father’ father, my grandfather Arathorn, had been killed by an orc when my father was still a baby. In order to protect him, my father’s true identity was hidden from everyone, including himself. He was adopted by my grandfather Elrond, just as Elrond had adopted many of the heirs of Isildur, as he himself had been adopted by King Celebrimbor centuries ago.

MG: Okay, one, by this point all of this should be common knowledge; I think everyone here knows the story. For another, Elrond fostered Aragorn. He didn’t adopt him (for one thing, Aragorn’s mother, Gilraen, was still alive…). And Elrond himself was never fostered or adopted by Celebrimbor. Elrond and Elros were fostered by Maglor, Feanor’s secondborn son (and thus Celebrimbor’s uncle), out of guilt for his involvement in the attack on Arvernien and the (apparent) death of the boys’ mother, Elwing. Elrond later became the protégé and right hand of Gil-Galad, but he wasn’t adopted by him either. And while Elrond watched over the heirs of Isildur, his distant kin (descendants of his brother through many, many generations), he didn’t adopt them either. Just… just so we’re clear on this.

Loremaster’s Headache: 90

Elrond renamed my father Estel. It means ‘hope’ in Sindarin. It was the only name my father knew until he reached the age of twenty. I cannot imagine being told by my father at the age of twenty that he was not really my father, and my name was not my own.

MG: And, uh, so far as we know, Aragorn never thought Elrond was his biological father. He always knew Gilraen was his mother, even if he was otherwise kept unaware of his true heritage, for his own safety. Again, just wanted to be clear n this.

Loremaster’s Headache: 91

I understand, when my father left Rivendell in his youth, after Elrond declared him an unfit match to marry his Elvish daughter Arwen, my father wandered the Wilds alone.

Kasanari: He was the Chieftain of the Rangers of the North… and he served in the armies of both Rohan and Gondor… but he was alone. Even when he was being toasted in Minas Tirith as a war hero for his raid on Umbar, he was still alone… in his thoughts. I suppose that counts?

He took it upon himself to learn about the problems in the world that he must solve to become worthy of her, and the throne. Bearing his great sadness and bereft, in the many foreign lands through which he traveled and often stayed, in each newly adopted home he learned the languages and cultures as if a native born.

MG: Honestly, I don’t know if Polychron meant to reference this, but Aragorn’s almost instinctive skill at code shifting – the narrative takes the time to note at several points how Aragorn’s demeanor, speech and mannerisms can completely change depending on who he’s talking to and how he’s trying to present himself – is an element of his character I’ve always appreciated, only rarely see talked about. Then again, knowing Polychron’s general standards, he probably did just stumble into it by accident.

Elrond had raised many of the heirs of Isildur. He watched them grow, marry, bear children and die, faithfully shepherding the line of kings of old. But in all those years, he himself had never taken the name given to one adopted son and given that same name to another.

My father knew that Elrond, Elven-wise, would not have done so without an over-arching purpose and a plan. This sudden uncertainty and his overwhelming fear of what Elrond’s motives might have been were as large a shock as any my father had ever known.

MG: Not surprising, considering that for one, elves rarely reuse personal names to begin with, and it turns out that the name “Estel” is actually tied to some very traumatic family history for both Elrond and Arwen that Aragorn must have been very deliberately kept ignorant of! Especially when you consider that the Appendices, in particular “The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen,” indicate that “Estel” continued to be an affectionate name Arwen used for Aragorn when they were alone, which seems kind of… off to me if it was also the name of her evil half brother. Not to mention that Aragorn was named “Estel” because he represented Hope for the Dunedain, and I always got the impression it was picked for him by his mother Gilraen and not by Elrond, so to retcon the name as part of some secret agenda by Elrond, tied to, again, a very dark and traumatic element in the history of Elrond’s family… yeah, I do not care for it, and it feels like yet another example of Polychron trying to be clever and edgy and all.

Feel My Edge: 25

Loremaster’s Headache: 92

But my mother was not accustomed to such shocks and this one had staggering implications. It is the only time I have seen her at a loss and I hope to never again.

The Unfair Sex: 14 (for the implication that only Arwen, not Aragorn, is affected in this way; maybe I’m reading too much into it – it is a big deal for her – but Polychron does some weird things with Arwen in general so I’m not cutting him too much slack)

“Estel…” my mother said. A look of pure and undiluted horror filled her face.

MG: Justified, as we’ll see, considering what happened when they last saw each other…

“Yes, your brother Estel,” the monster said. “Whom you and all the other haughty Elves deemed unfit for Imladris. I was sent out bereft, to die alone in the Wilds.”

Thalia: *weakly* Maybe they just intended for him to join the Rangers and phrased it badly, and this will all turn out to have been a catastrophic misunderstanding?

“That’s not true!” my mother cried. “No one made you leave or even bade you go. You left on your own, without an unkind act or word from anyone.”

“You think because you did not say the words,” he said, carefully, with malice, “they did not scream at me to ‘go’ every time you saw my slowly changing face? The moment I no longer embodied the Elven vision of perfection, the moment you could see the nature of my true father, ‘go’ was all I heard from you and every other stinking Elf in that whole Kingdom!”

Thalia: …I am a tiefling. I sometimes have… difficulty… dealing with people, but I know what I am and how others perceive me. I know full well how a dirty look or biting tone can express contempt more than words alone… but I also know that this character is a vile, murderous rapist? Is Polychron really trying to make us sympathize with him after the Orcelven and the… Four protect us… Horcs!?

MG: Yeah, Polychron’s handling of Estel can be bizarre. On the one hand, there are some moments where it almost feels like he is trying to make us sympathize with him, or to present him as a tragic villain in the vein of some interpretations of Mordred (or maybe Maeglin, depending on how sympathetically you read him, who’s already sort of Middle-earth’s version of Mordred). But on the other hand, the guy’s establishing character moment a few chapters ago presents him as some ghastly mashup of a grimdark rapist monster and a goofy Saturday morning cartoon villain, and that characterization will be continuing, and later revelations will indicate that he’s just genetically evil because of his orc side and the circumstances of his conception (no unfortunate implications there…) which makes the whole thing fall flat at best, and at worst feel horrifically tone deaf and uncomfortable considering the sheer scale of his crimes and the glee with which he commits them. Just… pick a characterization and tone and stick with it, Polychron. Otherwise, you just get Estel the Edgelord and trust me, nobody wants that!

“Why have you come?” my father asked.

Kasanari: Let me guess, is it… revenge?

“Why?” Estel scoffed. “Elrond and Arwen lied when they called me son and brother, promising me a happy existence living among the Elves. But they tore my heart to pieces every time they looked at me and grimaced, robbing me of that dream with all the things they refused to face about themselves and their own hatreds. Tell me Arwen, if someone steals your only reason to live, are you not right to hold them accountable for your death?”

Thalia: But, but… regardless of how Estel feels he was wrong, isn’t he… still alive? So no one is actually responsible for his death, because it hasn’t happened? Unless… he is a wight, returned from the grave to seek vengeance, possessing only the worst aspects of his personality? It explains so much!

“Those injuries exist only in your mind, Estel,” my mother told him. “Driven by your hatred for what you saw growing daily in your own mirror.”

Kasanari: …at first I read that as growing on his mirror. Clearly, Rivendell has a far more serious mold problem than anyone realized; seeking the advice of a druid could have avoided all of this!

“I may have hated myself when I fled,” he told her, “filled with the certainty I wasn’t wanted or welcome, your gasps of horror echoing in my head. But in the Wilds, I learned to hate the trick you and your family played on me. It would have been better if you had left me as an infant to die alone in the woods!”

Thalia: …are we ever going to learn exactly what happened? Or are Arwen and Estel going to continue hurling vague accusations at each other until they’re both hoarse, leaving everyone else very uncomfortable but none the wiser?

“What do you want?!” my father demanded. Standing, his eyes were dark.

“Vengeance!” Estel cried.

Kasanari: …surprising no one who had listened to a word out of his mouth.

A look of pure and undiluted malice filled his hideously twisted face. “Revenge for all the years I spent alone, hunted by savage Beasts! While all I ever thought I loved was lost. They laughed at me from behind their walls and celebrated their belief that I was dead! Now I will take from you, Arwen, the lives of your daughters and husband. And yours, last. But first, the life of the one you love the most – your only begotten son.”

MG: …Eldarion is Jesus now? I honestly didn’t see that one coming… /s

The Unfair Sex: 15 (for Arwen apparently loving her son more than her daughters)

He must have come unlooked for and unknown before that day and marked my face. Turning, he saw me standing outside the chamber beside Xiang. His eyes found mine and he shouted, “Eldarion!” Casting off his robes, he pulled out a long and short sword hidden underneath and announced for the benefit of everyone in the room, “Behold the horror on your mother’s face watching helplessly, for by my sword, today you die!”

Kasanari: …I think Shade would have some things to say about your professionalism, or lack thereof, Estel. I personally don’t have experience in the matter – thank the Four – but I don’t think announcing in the middle of a heavily guarded room who you’re going to kill, and how you’re going to do it, is going to be very helpful!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 22

Xiang’s hands flashed out. Three knife-edged and cruelly barbed blades, like silver snowflakes, shot across the space – driving deep into the villain’s chest.

MG: Sigh. Of course the guy from the fantasy!Asian empire uses shuriken. Though shuriken, to my knowledge, are of Japanese origin and “Hildoria” seems like it’s supposed to be fantas!China…

Estel did not scream. With the most hideously monstrous howl I have ever heard, he roared like a demon-thing.

Thalia: He seems to do that a lot. Perhaps he should see someone about that?

The room shook and my blood ran cold. Ripping out the bloody blades, he flung them away and lunged with feral speed, sprinting across the throne room floor.

Palace guards stepped between us, but Estel was so barbarically vicious, strong and fast, he cut them down with ease.

Thalia: In the Guards of the Citadel’s defense, the very best of them were still preoccupied by that card game and were completely oblivious to anything that was going on! Though perhaps they wouldn’t be so happy about that later on, once the king had a word with them…

Drawing their swords, my Elvish uncles Elladan and Elrohir advanced on him.

Kasanari: Beg pardon, but wouldn’t they be Estel’s half-siblings as well? Shouldn’t he also be blaming them for his problems, as much as Arwen? Or do only women get blamed when their male relatives turn evil, in Polychron’s world?

The Unfair Sex: 16

In that moment, he drew from beneath his mail shirt a mithril chain bearing a golden Ring of Power set with a bronze Imperial Topaz stone. Putting it on – he vanished.

Kasanari: Oh, yes, he did have that, didn’t he? Which makes his decision to make this entire affair such a public production, in which he is outnumbered on all sides with no support of his own, in the midst of his enemies’ stronghold, all the more baffling.

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 23

“MORGOTH!!!” my father screamed.

Thalia: No, no, the person attacking you is named Estel. “Morgoth” is someone entirely different! Perhaps the king is feeling rather confused?

Before I could react, Xiang grabbed the wide stone-edge and heaving, slammed shut the throne room door. Together, we dragged the large wooden tables and chairs from the outer chamber, piling them against the entrance to barricade it shut.

MG: …while the invisible Estel is quite considerately not attacking the person he very specifically announced that he was here to murder.

I was not in the room, but my uncles later told me, even though Estel was now invisible to mortal eyes, half-in and half-out of the shadowy wraith world, they could still see him. They swung their swords, one-high one-low, to cut him down.

Kasanari: Oh, I suppose Xiang and Eldarion had been standing on the outside of the door the entire time, and never stepped into the throne room even in the midst of this… altercation… then? I suppose that makes a certain amount of sense… though it does make me wonder if everyone was just standing around staring during the entire production, like it was an evening at the theater and not a matter of life and death!

MG: And I’m not entirely sure if Elladan and Elrohir would be able to see Estel; we know that elves (including the twins) are more sensitive to spiritual things than most mortals, and that they (and Legolas) were able to see the Oathbreakers relatively clearly even when their mortal companions couldn’t… but Bilbo was able to lurk invisibly around Thranduil’s halls for weeks without being detected while he wore the One Ring, even though they were full of elves. Someone especially powerful, like Galadriel or Glorfindel, could probably do it… but I’m not sure Elladan and Elrohir could. *shrugs* Not giving any points, because I do think there’s some ambiguity here, but it felt worth pointing out.

Surprised, yet ever lithe as a cat, he leaped between their swinging blades. Rolling to his feet without breaking stride, he raced towards the open windows, whistling while he ran.

Thalia: No one was quite sure why he was whistling the tone to “The Man in the Moon Stayed Up Too Late,” but it certainly was distracting – and also gave away his position!

Removing the Ring so he could again be seen, he leaped without hesitation out one of the windows atop the Tower of Echthilion. Vaulting out into the bright morning sunlight three hundred feet above the Fountain and Court of the White Tree, it should have been his death.

A shadow darkened the Sun. Framed by the window, those within the chamber saw his legs rising higher instead of falling. They circled behind the Tower walls and passed from sight.

Kasanari: Is Estel levitating himself? I wasn’t aware that was a power someone in Middle-earth might possess! I suppose it’s more likely something carried him away, but if so, how did nobody notice just what it was? And I’ll note he seems to have accomplished precisely nothing in all of this, save for giving away his plans and existence to the people who now have most reason to oppose him. Not exactly a strong first impression!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 25

‘Morgoth’ is a part of a code my father created. He had only shared it with my mother, uncles, sisters and I. By saying it, he did not intend for me to react as if the dark god Morgoth was in the room. He intended for me to feel that Morgoth had slain Manwë, Varda and Ilúvatar himself, and none were left alive to aid or save me, and I must flee.

MG: So, for one, I don’t think Aragorn or Arwen would be so casual about Morgoth’s name as to use it as part of a code. People in Middle-earth are usually careful with the names of powerful beings, especially evil or dangerous ones – and in this context, I’m not really sure how it’s any more useful than a simple “Eldarion, run away!” would be. And, uh, if Eldarion is meant to react as if Morgoth has killed Manwe, Varda, and Eru Iluvatar… uh, killing Manwe and Varda would be theoretically doable, but would basically mean the end of the world, because that would be the natural endpoint of the forces of evil overcoming and killing the most powerful of the Valar. Is telling Eldarion to react like the apocalypse is ongoing really that helpful? And killing Eru – yeah, no. Eru isn’t just a very powerful being, he’s Arda’s supreme monotheistic creator deity, the ultimate source of all existence – not only is he so much more powerful than Morgoth that he’d never have a prayer of killing him, if he somehow did, I can only imagine the result would be the equivalent of reality dividing itself by zero. So, uh… have fun imagining that, Eldarion? TL;DR, I think Aragorn needs to think out his code phrases better.

* * * * *

Eldarion stood from his seat by the fire, turning away from Elanor and the others. Reflecting on whether he should express his thoughts, he decided and turned back around.

Thelia: Isn’t expressing his thoughts what he’s been doing for the last several pages? If it’s not… then the implications of what was actually happening are truly disturbing!

His face was set with the most determined look she had ever seen,

MG: And considering Elanor has seen the looks her fellow hobbits get when setting down for a feast, that is saying something!

“I have learned philosophy and composed poetry of which I am proud.

Thelia: That’s… nice? Can we hear that instead? So we can judge for ourselves?

But surrounded by enemies, by necessity, we in Gondor are a warrior people. I learned to find my balance on the back of a pony before I could stand. I learned to handle a sword and dagger before a knife and fork,

MG: Which no doubt made mealtime a rather embarrassing affair for all concerned.

Feel My Edge: 26

and have spent far more time with weapons in my hands. The first time there was the potential for me to die on a battlefield I was fourteen years old. I was not truly in danger. Our foes were not trained fighters, but farmers, duped by evil men to leave their fields and oppose us. It was at that battle, whose name I do not recall, I first killed a man, and I killed more than one.

Kasanari: Is Eldarion admitting that his first kills were butchering poorly armed, poorly-trained peasants rebelling against his father’s authority? Which, considering under Aragorn’s rule Gondor has built up a massive urban sprawl over their farmlands, because everyone was moving there after he took over the entire city of Minas Tirith to be his royal palace, I can’t blame them for! But Polychron seems entirely unaware of the implications. And why, by all the gods, was Aragorn sending his son into battle, even against weak opponents, at fourteen? I believe by most human standards, that would make him a boy, not a man – and that should be doubly true for a Dunadan (or, at least, half-Dunadan, half-elf) who will live longer than other humans! Was someone trying to get the crown prince killed, in context where the peasants would be blamed?

Feel My Edge: 28

Happy Ending Override: 9 (apparently not only is Gondor still in a state of constant military readiness, within less than a generation after the War of the Ring, they’re at war with their own people!)

Fighting skill, like a sword against a stone, must be sharpened again and again to maintain its edge. Yet for all that, it was not until the moment my father cried ‘MORGOTH’ that I ever truly felt blind, mortal, terror.”

Elanor put her hand on his, where it rested on the back of his chair, “I’m sorry.”

Kasanari: I am surprised she is so understanding, considering that she just learned he killed multiple peasants who were no match for him at the age of fourteen!

He set his other hand on hers and smiled, “Thank you.”

Removing their hands, he went on, “I do not enjoy violence and death. They are tools I must employ for the attainment of peace.

MG: Which just seems like a cheaper, less sincere version of Faramir’s “I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, or the arrow for its swiftness, or the warrior for his glory” speech from Two Towers, not going to lie.

But on that day I swore the only Oath I have ever sworn: I shall not rest until I have driven my sword through the heart of this abomination and hung his severed head from the top of the Tower of Echthilion for all to see: a warning to anyone who would dare come to my City and threaten those I love!”

Thalia: That seems rather melodramatic, considering that Estel never actually managed to kill anyone, due to his own stupidity! I wonder who, or what, benefits from Eldarion swearing such an oath – he should remember the example of Feanor!

A heavy and foreboding silence filled the room. The fire cracked and a log within burst open.

“What happened to Emperor Guan and Prince Xiang?” Theo asked.

Eldarion looked uncomfortable, “Guan told my father that his wife and daughters had been kidnapped and held hostage. They were being kept alive to ensure he and Xiang went along with Estel’s plan. When they learned Estel intended to kill me, they knew it would mean war between our kingdoms. They reasoned Estel would kill them too and his Orcelven troops would conquer Hildória, using her people to invade and conquer Gondor.

Kasanari: This plan seems to be missing several rather crucial steps. Such as how Estel plans to pacify Hildoria enough to use its people as soldiers, and how Hildoria and Gondor would even go to war considering the vast distances between them!

They knew it was their duty to save me, even at the cost of their own lives, to spare our peoples the devastation of all-out war.

MG: Which is why they waited until the literal last second to try and warn Eldarion and his family, by which point it was too late to actually do anything!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 26

“We found the body of the bandaged warrior on the third level of the Tower of Echthilion.

MG: See; he was literally nothing but a plot device to provide cover for Estel to infiltrate the throne room. Wasn’t he such an important character to spend so much time on? But I’m still miffed that Polychron never bothered to give this guy a name!

Estel must have entered dressed as him, invisible and armed, killed him, and infiltrated their delegation. The Emperor knew nothing of the Ring. Until that moment, he could not imagine any way in which Estel’s plan to kill me could succeed. He had intended to warn my father in the throne room, where Estel could not possibly hinder nor stop him.

Kasanari: And we see just how well that worked out! Was sending a message ahead with a courier, under cover of some other duty to avoid Estel’s suspicions, really so hard?

MG: And I still don’t see how this works. Sure, Estel can make himself invisible – but not the corpse of his victim. We were told how much security the Hildorian delegation had to pass through; they don’t seem to have never not been under the eye of the Guards of the Citadel! Who would have surely noticed the bandaged warrior collapsing, dead, only to have his place taken by an identical figure! There’s really no way to hide that! And I’m not sure why all this rigmarole is even necessary. Estel has an invisible ring; he could have walked into the throne room any time he wanted and revealed himself just as dramatically, and his plan would have worked just as well. Maybe announce himself as an agent of Hildoria, if starting a war is really that important to his plans. But much easier than this!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 28
“Detecting Estel had employed some trick and taken the warrior’s place, he used his own codes to alert Xiang, instructing him to lead me from the room and save me. Despite their actions possibly saving my life, my father’s Councilors demanded their deaths for facilitating Estel’s access to the throne room, and thereby endangering the High King and his family. Even Faramir and Éowyn, who were usually the strongest advocates for mercy.”

Kasanari: *rolling her eyes* Oh, yes – execute the visiting royal family of the powerful nation you’re trying to ally with (and is somehow close enough to go to war wit); this will end very well!

Feel My Edge: 27

Eldarion drew from his inner breast pocket two small items: a sealed slender vial containing a clear liquid and a tiny hourglass filled with red dust. “In response, Guan offered my father an alliance between our kingdoms. As proof of his fealty

MG: I assume you mean “alliance,” not “fealty.” Otherwise, Guan Qubing would be pledging to become Aragorn’s vassal, and I don’t think that’s what Polychron is getting at here!

and to silence my father’s Councilors, he gave him these two treasures: priceless heirlooms from the House of Qubing.”

“What are they?” Elanor asked.

“This is the only remnant of the Sands of the Great Sleep from the Orocarni Mountains,” Eldarion answered, holding up the tiny hourglass.

He lowered it and lifted the sealed flask, “This, the only vial left of the Waters of Awakening. When the Valar first remade the world, the ruins of the Lamps Illuin and Ormal, the Waters of Awakening, and the Sands of the Great Sleep were removed from Middle-earth.”

MG: …that makes no sense. Even assuming the “Sands of the Great Sleep” and “Waters of Awakening” are meant to be literal things with actual magical properties (which I don’t think they would be), the timeline doesn’t check out. The Two Lamps were part of the Valar’s very earliest plans for the design of Arda, created during the Spring of Arda, the world’s earliest golden age… a matter of dim myth even for the elves, for it took place eons before even the elves awoke, to say nothing of younger races like dwarves or humans, at a timeb when Arda was inhabited only by the Ainur. The Spring ended when the Lamps were destroyed by Melkor… and more than ten thousand years passed after that before the elves awoke. An event which, in Polychron’s interpretation… involved the Waters of Awakening and Sands of the Great Sleep. Which had already been removed from the world by the Valar long before… error, error, does not compute!

Loremaster’s Headache: 93

“Why did Elessar give them to you?” Theo asked.

“I do not know,” Eldarion answered, putting them away. “There are many secrets my parents still keep from me. But by sharing these secrets and this tale with you, which before now was only known to them, the Emperor Guan, Prince Xiang and his daughter the Princess Pingyang, you are now inextricably and forever bound in the Fellowship of the King.”

Thalia: Which is…? I mean, that sounds very impressive, but I have no idea what it means, even though it’s in the title of the fic…

Another long silence filled the room.

“I- I… don’t know what to say your – Eldarion,” Elanor stammered.

Kasanari: An understandable reaction. I don’t know what to say, either.

“As your friend,” he told her, “I would advise you against feeling grateful. You will soon discover, this is much more a burden, than an honor.”

Kasanari: Which is why you foisted this “burden” off on a group of strangers you just met! I must admit, Prince Eldarion, you have not impressed me over much thus far!

“That may be true,” Theo said. “But I, for one, am honored you’ve chosen us to share even the smallest of your burdens. Thank you, my friend.”

Thalia: I think Theo might be possessed. That does not sound like a rational reaction to this situation!

“You are welcome,” Eldarion responded simply, leaving much unsaid. “What about the Queen of Hildória and her daughters?” Fastred asked.

A look of pain crossed Eldarion’s face. “We dispatched our forces to the river. Our men boarded the ship on which they were being held – too late. Everyone was dead, except the Princess Pingyang, the eldest of Xiang’s sisters. She stood over the bodies of her mother and sisters, silently mourning. Still as stone, she blamed herself for having failed to prevent their murders. Throughout the ship lay the butchered bodies of the Orcelven, by which Pingyang herself had avenged their deaths.

Kasanari: *stunned* Am… am I reading that correctly? Princess Pingyang, by herself, slaughtered all the Orcelven guards Estel left on his ship? I don’t know whether to be disbelieving or impressed! And yet she also failed to kill all the Orcelven – despite presumably having been capable of doing so all along – until after her mother and sisters were killed. Unless she possesses some sort of battle magic only grief and vengeance can activate?

MG: And I also have to side-eye Polychron for introducing a bunch of women only to immediately kill them all off – sparing one to tell the tale – just to raise the stakes and make us hate Estel more. Because that’s not a cheap trick or anything!

Feel My Edge: 30

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 29

The Unfair Sex: 17

After this, as a precaution, our families were kept apart and we were not allowed to meet. Our fathers began great preparations for the invasion of Rhûn, to free it from the tyranny of Estel and avenge the fallen Empress and royal daughters of Hildória.”

MG: How the emperor was supposed to accomplish this from isolation, thousands of miles away from his country, nobody was quite sure, but they’d think of something!

“Are Celendrian and the rest of your sisters all right?” Elanor asked.

“Yes, thank you for your concern.” Eldarion answered. “Though badly shaken and protesting, for their safety, my father sent them to the royal Courts of two of our closest allies.”

“Which one’s?” Elanor asked, thinking she would write them a quick letter.

MG: Well, presumably one would be Rohan, but Elanor, have you considered that Eldarion’s probably not at leisure to say? And that writing a “quick letter” to be delivered hundreds of miles away isn’t going to be as easy or convenient as you make it sound?

“I think you may agree,” he replied, “the less we say of these things, the less chance something may befall them.”

Kasanari: For once, he is speaking sense.

“I wasn’t thinking,” Elanor said, shaking her head. “I’m sorry. Go on.”

“I know your heart is in the right place,” he told her, and his eyes were kind. “My father insisted I go too, though somewhere else. I refused to leave his side. He set my uncles to guard me, night and day. Barring the doors and windows of my quarters, he created elaborate procedures for anyone or anything entering, designed to prevent the entry of an invisible foe. Nor was I allowed to leave. I felt like a prisoner – in my own home.”

“As the days wore on, even with his elaborate precautions, I had never seen my father so distraught. Day after day, the tension took its toll. At last for his sake, I agreed to go. In the dead of night in secret, my uncles and I rode out the Great Gate of the Palace of Anor, through the darkened, silent streets and out the gates of the Rammas Echor.

Thalia: During all of which they’d be vulnerable to attack from an invisible foe… has Aragorn really thought this through?

We journeyed long on little used roads, heading west. Thanks to Elladan and Elrohir’s unmatched skill, we avoided the roving bands of orcs and Orcelven hunting us. Finally we came in secret, only days ago, to Bree.”

MG: Once again, the king’s peace doesn’t seem very peaceful, if even the crown prince is at risk from marauding bands of orcs while traveling!

Happy-Ending Override: 10

“Now I understand why your father wouldn’t speak of you, Queen Arwen or your sisters,” Alatar told him. “I regret I didn’t arrive before Estel. I would have warned you of his treachery before he arrived and saved your family from all this needless grief.”

“Thank you, Alatar,” Eldarion responded. He bowed graciously, showing how profoundly he shared the wizard’s sentiments and how deeply he was moved. “I believe the five of us have met here not by chance, but to serve a higher purpose that we cannot yet perceive. Doubtless, time itself will reveal the reason why, before much longer.”

Thalia: Yes, I fear you have been brought together by a higher purpose – a dark force calling itself Demetrious Polychron! Though I doubt you’ll much appreciate it, when you learn why…

“Where are your uncles, Elladan and Elrohir?” Fastred asked.

“When we arrived, the Mayor Mugwort of Bree was holding a message for them, relayed from Rivendell, purporting to be from my father,” Eldarion answered.

MG: Honestly, “Mayor Mugwort” is kind of a nice touch. When Frodo and friends visit Bree, it’s noted that while many of the hobbit families there have the same sorts of surnames as Shire hobbits, there are a few names that seem specific to Bree, and that there are a lot of Mugworts in particular. So the mayor of Bree being a hobbit named Mugwort is a nice little Easter egg for the careful reader.

“For safety, we had agreed not even he would know where we were going or which roads we would take. How anyone else could know was an ominous portent. We distrusted too the message. It asked them to go to Rivendell. It did not sound like something my father had written. It bore no royal seal and it contained subtle ambiguities. Elladan and Elrohir reasoned if the message reached us here, there were more dangers ahead than those we had avoided behind. I would be safer staying here anonymously at the Prancing Pony. They asked me to wait for their return, unknown to anyone save Butterbur, a personal friend of my father’s.

MG: “Personal friend” might be overstating it, considering Butterbur plainly thought Aragorn an untrustworthy scoundrel, and was absolutely gobsmacked to learn he’d become a king! Also, if Butterbur’s trying to keep Eldarion’s presence on the down low, considering how blatant he’s been about deferring to him and trying to keep people away from him, he’s not been doing a good job!

Before they left, by the authority of the King, the militia of Bree was called to lock and bar the Gates, patrol the walls and keep strangers out.”

Kasanari: That also seems unlikely to avoid suspicion. My, between Eldarion and Estel, none of these people have much sense of subtlety, do they?

“That’s why we were stopped!” Theo said.

“Yes, by the order of my uncles on the authority of the King,” Eldarion told him. “The years of my youth were not peaceful, but now they seem like happier days, long past. Dark days have come and darker lay ahead.”

MG: …that’d be a lot more ominous if it wasn’t coming from a twenty-year-old, not going to lie.

“How long before your uncles return?” Alatar asked.

“They ride Elvish horses,” he answered, “so perhaps, a week.”

“That’s quite a story,” Fastred said.

Thalia: Well, that is certainly true! But it also seems to conspicuously avoid actually commenting on its content…

“I agree,” Eldarion responded. “Now by your leave, I would like to hear the tale of how the four of you came to Bree.”

“I believe,” Alatar told him, “the one who can tell it best is the Lady Elanor.”

Kasanari: No, we’ve had quite enough storytelling for now! Normally I like tales, but Polychron isn’t someone I trust to tell them! Especially when it’s a tale we already know!

MG: Well, fortunately, the chapter ends here! And so, this one is mostly just Eldarion giving some more backstory; unfortunately for him, he doesn’t really come across all that well in it. He’s kind of racist, he’s been killing peasant rebels since he was fourteen, he unloads all his problems onto near-total strangers, and he generally doesn’t seem to have much idea what he’s doing. Middle-earth’s inexplicable population explosion and urban expansion remains inescapable. Hildoria as a concept is potentially interesting, but Polychron doesn’t seem to have much idea of what to do with it beyond throwing a bunch of Asian stereotypes at us. And of course, we get the name and some backstory of Estel, the Orcelven Prince. Some of it continues to be pointlessly edgy, some of it – like his name – just doesn’t make much sense, his plan is overcomplicated and completely ineffective, and his escape feels like it’s written as a dramatic scene to play out in a visual medium that just feels kind of silly in written form. None of which makes it any easier to take this character seriously! Anyway, that’s it for today. Next time… even more backstory, as Polychron does some pretty inexplicable things with the post-War dynamics of the Fellowship of the Ring and more secrets are revealed, including the identity of one of our other major villains. We’ll see you then! Our counts stand at:

Bigger, Louder, More!: 25

Expansion-Pack World: 12

Feel My Edge: 30

Happy Ending Override: 9

Linguistic Confusions: 21

Loremaster’s Headache: 93

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 23

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 29

Rings-a-Palooza: 58

Take That, Tolkien!: 9

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 16

The Unfair Sex: 17