Fellowship of the King Book II Chapter Seven: The Coming of the Collocoll, Part I

[masterghandalf]

This is a repost from Das_sporking2. Previous installments of this sporking may be found here.



MG: Well, everyone, the time has come to continue our journey through Demetrious Polychron’s The Fellowship of the King! Last time, it turns out that for entirely unclear reasons, literally every famous weapon or artifact in the history of Arda seemed to have been buried under Weathertop by Elendil, along with some things that very decidedly did not exist in Tolkien’s Middle-earth… meaning, of course, that our heroes got their pick of the loot! Oh, and apparently Ulbandi demanding equal positions for women was the origin of all evil or something. Today, our intrepid band are setting out to Rivendell to rescue Arwen… and making a detour along the way, as Polychron decides the time has come to weld a bunch more of his own worldbuilding into Middle-earth! In other words, the fic is about to get even weirder, if such a thing were possible. Joining us today will be Thalia and Kasanari!

Chapter 7:The Coming Of The Collocoll

“Rivendell is full of Easterlings,” Eldarion told his friends.

Kasanari: *drily* Clearly the orcs and humans of other nationalities who serve Glorfindel and Thuringel were all taking a well-deserved vacation.

He stood inside the ring of stones on the flat crest of Weathertop. “Our only hope to save the Queen is with a small strike force. One that can get in and out of Rivendell, without Glorfindel or Thüringel knowing.”

Thalia: Excuse me, but don’t you have an army that just routed Glorfindel’s armies (or however much of those he gave to Erestor, I guess) in the field and killed his strongest servant? Couldn’t you assault Rivendell with them instead, while he’s still on the back foot from that defeat… oh, those armies are vanishing back into the ether now that their job is done, aren’t they? My mistake! Though I suppose if you can get Arwen out now, that will stop Glorfindel from using her as a hostage during the actual battle, should it come to that…

“It sounds like a suicide mission,” Idris said, scornfully. She was angry, being the only one revived using athelas instead of the Waters of Awakening.

MG: …does it really matter? I mean, it seems like she’s clearly fine now and not in any worse shape than anyone else? Though I can’t help but notice that this bit seems to be making a canonical method of healing the poor substitute for the version Polychron came up with…

Take That, Tolkien!: 51

“I would never demand anyone to accompany me on this mission,” Eldarion told her. Everyone else raised their hands, volunteering to go.

“Who will be on this strike force?” Manus asked. He looked around at all the hands.

Kasanari: …everyone, from the sound of it?

“My uncles were born there,” Eldarion answered. “Queen Arwen is their sister and Imladris is their home. They know it better than anyone. Of all here assembled, Alatar is best suited to aid them. For reasons I cannot explain, at least one – ”

Theo cleared his throat.

“ – three, of our five intrepid hobbits, will accompany them.”

MG: Well, on the one hand, I’m glad the hobbits are actually being considered and are going to get to do something for once! On the other hand, it’s pretty clear that they’re only getting to go because of Elanor’s Ring (and maybe Fastred’s “Turin-stone”). One would think that Eldarion, of all people, would be aware of the idea that a hobbit or two might be useful to have on a mission stealthily infiltrating the stronghold of a great evil on their own merits… also, is Sam really going to let his daughter go into danger without at least trying to accompany her? He must still be out of it from dying and resurrecting there, for that to happen!

Rings-a-Palooza: 180

“Hobbits, elves and wizards,” Elboron observed. “There’s a missing element.”

Thalia: *slaps her forehead* But of course! You forgot the dwarves! The quest simply can’t go forward until you’ve sent a messenger to the Blue Mountains and they come back with a dwarf to accompany you on your quest!

“I began this journey with my uncles,” Eldarion told him. “The Queen is in danger because they are her brothers and she is my mother. The seven of us will finish this together.”

Kasanari: *Eldarion* And none of the rest of you have any abilities or skills that I would find remotely useful on this mission. So, just… go away, get out of here, go on. Shoo.

“How would you advise the rest of us?” Xiang asked, his hand on the hilt of his new golden sword.

“Celendrian will lead you and your armies under cover of darkness,” he answered.

Thalia: *raising her hand* Beg pardon, o prince, but… where is she to be leading them? And, ah, why?

“In the coming battle,” Celendrian affirmed, “we will need every one of you and your men-at-arms.”

Kasanari: What coming battle? You’re not going to Rivendell, where Glorfindel is and where his armies are, so who are you planning to fight, Swahilloguz?

“Where will we all be going?” Malvia asked.

“The borders of Rivendell end at the Loudwater River and the Great East Road,” Elladan answered.

“Stay south of them until you see our signal,” Elrohir advised. “Then attack.”

Thalia: So they… are going to Rivendell? Is this to be a quiet infiltration, or a large battle? Because even if they’re moving their armies under the cover of darkness, I still think I’ve spent enough time around Tharkos to learn that you probably can’t hide a force that large, especially from someone with a Palantir. In other words, Glorfindel is going to know you’re coming and be on guard, which might be a problem for your secret mission. I’m very confused…

“What will be this signal?” Pingyang asked.

“We dare not explain,” Elladan responded.

“Though rest assured,” Elrohir told her, smiling. “You will undoubtedly recognize it when it comes.”

Kasanari: *irritated* Well, maybe if you explained it instead of just trusting they’ll recognize it, you wouldn’t have to worry about that! When conducting a plan, it’s important that everyone actually understands their part of the plan and what they have to do! For all you know, they could see some dramatic natural phenomenon or some act of Glorfindel’s and mistake it for your signal, and that will throw everything into disarray!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 162

* * * * *

Theo and Fastred were packing their things onto their ponies by their small fire, the night before their departure. Theo secured Sting and Fastred packed up some rope. Sam approached them with a sword, his mithril coat and two small rune-engraved mithril shields.

Thalia: He immediately noticed that Fastred had remembered to pack rope and gave his enthusiastic blessing to his future son-in-law on the spot!

He gave Theo one of the shields and his freshly burnished coat. “There’s a small hole here with no time to mend. You should be alright. Another arrow would have to hit this exact same spot to hurt you. Eldarion noticed neither of you took any weapons to complete your armaments, so he picked these out himself.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Theo said. He cradled the shield and mithril coat. “We’ll be sure to thank Eldarion.” He bowed. “Thank you, Sam.”

Kasanari: *arches her eyebrow* Dare I ask why Theo is addressing Sam – who is not only his elder, but also a famous hero and Mayor of the Shire – not only by his first name, but by a nickname? Does he not even merit “Mr. Gamgee” from you?

Sam handed Fastred the other shield and his Barrow-blade. “There weren’t any ring-mail shirts, plate-armor or helms small enough for hobbits. Since Elanor now has Eket, she agreed this should go to you.”

MG: Well, it’s more stuff, but at least it makes sense this time around?

Fastred cradled the shield and Sam’s Barrow-blade in his arms. He bowed humbly.

“Thank you, Sam. I’m afraid I don’t know how to use them. I’ll try and learn as best I can.” Sam put his hand on Theo’s shoulder. “I’d like you to teach Fastred everything Eldarion’s been teaching you. We hobbits can easily get overlooked. We need to stick together.”

MG: Which is why Sam is letting his daughter and her friends hare off into danger on their own, without even trying to go with them or stop them, or even seeming to consider it? I feel like this is meant to put Sam in the same position Bilbo was in with Frodo and the other hobbits when the Fellowship was leaving Rivendell, but Bilbo was much older and frailer then than Sam is here, and also, crucially, he did try to go in Frodo’s place and everyone else (respectfully) shot him down. If Sam really is too weak to go with them, I think the narrative really needed to acknowledge that and make it plain he at least wished he could do it, for this to feel like Sam to me. As it is, what’s clearly supposed to be a heartwarming scene falls flat.

* * * * *

A small group gathered around Eldarion. They were far from the firelight of the campfire and the hearing of the others. Elanor, Elboron, Niphredil, Celendrian and Elerith stood fanned out around him. He loaded his gear onto his horse, surrounded by his kin and closest friends.

“I cannot stand the thought of mother in a dungeon,” he told them.

Thalia: …I don’t really remember my own mother much, but I don’t think that’s an unusual sentiment? Though you could at least do your mother the favor of capitalizing “Mother” when you’re using it as a proper name!

“She saw you in the palantír,” Elanor said. “She knows you’re coming.”

Kasanari: Beg pardon, but do you really have much of an idea of how much she could have seen in a palantir from across the room, or how much she was able to piece together from that of what was happening?

The tension in his shoulders eased. “I should have realized. It is just, I am so very worried they will harm her… and it will be my fault.”

“Thüringel is crazy,” Elerith told him. “Your words didn’t change anything.”

Thalia: Ah, yes, that deepest and most nuanced of villainous motivations – Thuringel is “crazy” and that alone defines her actions and the reason, or lack thereof, behind them! Which is not at all shallow and couldn’t possibly be offensive to anyone…

“They’re right,” Celendrian affirmed. “Remember how we could never keep a secret from mother? She knew before you did that you’d be coming to save her.”

Kasanari: …Celendrian, dear, I’m not certain how your brother’s inability to keep a secret from your mother and his ability to actually affect her rescue from her current predicament are related…

“I did keep a secret from her once,” Eldarion mused. “Yet I was so afraid she would discover it, I told her the secret and that I had tried to keep it from her. I never tried again.”

Thalia: *confused* So you… didn’t keep it, then? Unless we have very different definitions of “keeping.” And “secret.” Which, alas, wouldn’t be the first time…

Sharing these intimate conversations, Elanor was amazed he had embraced her as part of his inner circle, just as his sisters had long ago in the Shire. “What was the secret?”

“Having learned of Rings of Power, I heard rumors some might be in the Palace,” he answered. “I went to father, demanding one.”

Kasanari: *sighs, facepalms* Of course. Of course it was about the damned rings! And the fact that Eldarion went to his father and demanded one as if it was his due somehow only makes it worse, and is further proof, if we needed any, that he is unfit to bear such an artifact at all!

Rings-a-Palooza: 182

“Oh…” Elerith said. “You should have known how he’d react to something like that.”

Kasanari: *coolly* Yes, I can imagine.

“Obviously, I did not get one,” he recalled, smiling. “Father took away my horses and told me to return to my studies, so I complained about our tutors.”

“We all did,” Celendrian told him.

“I believe I was the first,” he admitted.

Thalia: *confused* Considering you were the eldest and therefore presumably started your education first, I think you probably would have had to be the one to complain first? Unless you were either a perfectly model student, or linear time had begun to break down entirely…

“Caught off guard, father confided our tutors had extracted a promise that neither he nor mother would interfere in our educations.”

“That was a mistake,” Elboron noted.

“What happened?” Elanor asked.

“Mother dismissed them all,” he answered. “And it was my fault.

Kasanari: I beg your pardon? That is absolutely “interfering with their education,” and to what purpose, exactly? What exactly were the tutors supposed to have done to merit such treatment? And I do note that it was Arwen who dismissed them seemingly so suddenly and perfunctorily. What, exactly, is Polychron’s issue with this character?

The Unfair Sex: 124

“Why was it your fault?” Niphredil asked.

“I told her what father said,” he answered. “I played our parents against each other to get the tutors I preferred: Elladan and Elrohir.”

Thalia: …I thought that this conversation was about a time that you kept a secret from Arwen. It has somehow devolved into a conversation about how you manipulated both your parents to ensure you would be tutored by your murderous uncles… I can’t say I’m coming away from this much liking any of these people! Except maybe the poor tutors, who I hope found better students elsewhere!

Elanor laughed. “I’m sorry! I’m not laughing at you. It’s just – you look so distressed. Every child plays their parents against each other.”

Kasanari: Ah, yes. Getting all your tutors fired for no fault of their own so you could run around with your mother’s genocidal brothers all day – truly, that most universal of childhood experiences!

“That… may actually be true,” he said, with dawning comprehension. “However, it is not acceptable behavior for the Crown Prince and Heir to the Throne.”

Thalia: Ah! He can be taught! But will he learn?

Celendrian grabbed Eldarion’s hair and told Elanor, “The Hair to the Throne!”

She smiled uncertainly. “I’m not… sure I understand.”

Kasanari: Indeed. Those words look similar when written, but don’t actually sound much alike when spoken.

“When I was a boy,” Eldarion explained. “I hated the barbers my mother chose, so I would not allow anyone to cut my hair. It grew long, until Celendrian offered and I accepted.”

Thalia: Hmmm; Eldarion has put both the royal tutors and, seemingly, the royal barbers out of business! Well, if he gets the royal chefs fired next, I’m sure they could always go to the Shire and find plenty of work there…

“I did a good job,” Celendrian told him.

MG: I’m honestly wondering exactly when and how a princess actually learned to cut and style someone else’s hair… that sounds rather suspiciously like a trade, something royals are generally averse to learning. *beat* On the other hand, I can absolutely see Aragorn making sure all his children learn a wide variety of practical skills, considering his own history…

“The best,” Eldarion affirmed. “I always prefer Celendrian to cut my hair. Though now, she refuses.”

“I don’t refuse,” she countered, looking at her nails. “It’s just – your barbering times have become inconvenient.”

Thalia: It is rather hard to cut someone’s hair from half a continent away… though I know some powers from the Far Realm that could potentially help with that… time and space are really more like guidelines than actual rules, when you think about it the right way.

“The first time,” Eldarion related, smiling at the memory, “Elerith watched. When Celendrian was done, she picked up a handful of my shorn hair and announced – ”

The three of them chimed together: “The Hair to the Throne!”

MG: *sigh* Thank you for explaining the joke, Polychron. We all get it now. Can we move on?

“Speaking of haircuts,” Niphredil told him. “You need one.”

“I know,” Celendrian agreed. “I’m tempted to give him one right now.”

“I wish you would,” he responded. “I feel self-conscious before our royal guests.”

Thalia: Hmmm, so, the royalty is self-conscious in front of royalty… that could be very awkward! Mirrors could be problematic…

“It’s not our royal guests he’s self-conscious in front of,” Elboron told them, laughing.

“It’s the Princess Pingyang!”

Thalia: *blankly* Pingyang isn’t royalty? Pingyang isn’t a guest? Once again, I’m so confused…

Everyone’s eyes went up and they turned to Eldarion.

“I do confess,” he said, blushing, “I find Pingyang – intriguing.”

Kasanari: *nonplussed* You’re a boy barely out of your teens – considering you come from long-lived peoples on both sides, you’re probably still technically an adolescent by both standards – and she’s a pretty foreign girl of your own social status who happens to be remarkably skilled with a deadly weapon. This sort of interest is entirely unsurprising.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Elboron told him. He laughed again and slapping Eldarion’s back. “She’s the mostest!”

“Mostest isn’t a word,” Celendrian said, rolling her eyes.

“Yes it is,” he responded. “I just made it up.”

“You can’t just ‘make up’ words,” she insisted.

“Of course I can,” he told her. “You do it all the time.”

“When have I ever made up a word?” she asked.

MG: *boggles* Other than imagining Tolkien the philologist reading this passage in stunned and growing horror, am I the only one thinking of the “all words are made up” exchange between Thor and the Guardians of the Galaxy in Infinity War?

“‘Oh, Elboron,’” he answered, in a terribly high-pitched imitation of her voice. “‘No, not tonight. I’m just the tiredest I’ve ever been. Oh, and would you please be a dear, and take my scraps to the feeding pens on the way to your tent?’”

Kasanari: I’m certain this exchange would be much more amusing, and less tediously obnoxious, if we’d ever seen any of these people doing anything like this at all ever before!

Eldarion tried the hardest (the mostest, of all five of them) not to laugh.

MG: *stunned* Now the narration’s doing it, too! Polychron, just… stop. A clever writer can pull off this sort of banter and wordplay and make it sound good. You, unfortunately… aren’t that.

But after Elanor broke down, he couldn’t stop himself and he burst out laughing too.

Celendrian stormed off.

Kasanari: She has my sympathies entirely.

“That’s not like her,” Elboron said, recovering from the giggles. “She usually laughs at my jokes harder than anyone.”

Thalia: Well, not to be too harsh about it, but have you considered that maybe these particular jokes were very bad?

“She hasn’t been the same since Orthanc,” Niphredil reminded.

MG: Yes, and we all know why that is; don’t think I’ve forgotten how you inexplicably and horrifically turned Arwen into Undomiel of Borg, Polychron!

The Unfair Sex: 125

Elboron nodded and moved to follow her. Eldarion put his hand on the prince’s arm. “My friend, I think perhaps this time, it might be best if I speak with her first.”

Kasanari: Hmmm; on the one hand, Eldarion hasn’t exactly shown much in the way of emotional intelligence or tact thus far… on the other hand, he seems rather less prone to obnoxious wordplay and teasing than anyone else in this scene, so I suppose he’s the better option after all…

Elboron realized he was right and nodded. Eldarion went after his sister.

* * * * *

She hadn’t gone far. He didn’t think she would. He found her sitting on an outcropping of rock. She was looking up at the stars. A bright shooting star lanced across the sky and she started singing a song he hadn’t heard since they were children:

From the ground the mist slowly rises
Enshrouding the land in a fold
Of the cloak which Night traverses in that
When the stars were young was old

Above the stars are shining
Innumerable and bright
Piercing the Cloak of Darkness
With their Valarin light

They glitter like gems in jewelry
Fair diamonds the Night loves to wear
Their prismic beauty gracefully lies
Beyond all earthly compare

Once in a while one reaches
The end of its life in the sky
Leaving its place in Tarmenel
It plummets to Middle-earth to die

As it falls it brings inspiration
For a story, a song or a sonnet
Or for Children who stare and whisper a prayer
Entrusting their wishes upon it

MG: Eh. It’s got a certain rhythm to it, but sometimes trips over itself with parts that feel like they’d be very awkward to actually try to say, and I’m still having a hard time making heads or tails of that first stanza. Not Polychron’s worst poem.

“That was beautifully sung. Your voice is as lovely as ever,” he said. Sitting down beside her, he lifted his long arm and pointed up at the sky. “See that bright one rising in the West? It is Eärendil’s Star… remember?”

“I remember Eärendil,” she told him. “He wasn’t the sort… one could easily forget.”

Thalia: …that makes it sound like Celendrian met Earendil personally. She’s… rather older than I’d thought, then! Or is this meant to be more memories from that ring of hers? Because I don’t think anyone whose memories she… absorbed… knew Earendil personally either? The rings weren’t even made until centuries after he left Middle-earth forever, weren’t they?

He waited.

“A lot’s happened since we left home,” she said.

“To both of us,” he responded.

Kasanari: *Eldarion* A lot of it didn’t much make sense – and where did your armies go, anyway? And where did they come from, actually, I’m still rather vague on that part? – but it definitely happened! Did I tell you about the time Alatar blew up an inn while fighting a warlock? Or Glorfindel inexplicably turned into a giant, literally horny demon? Or the rikedons?

“You and your new friends seem quite comfortable talking about Rings of Power,” she told him. Holding up her left hand, she displayed Anqaúrë.

Thalia: Only because the author seems quite obsessed with them… and keeps adding more… I think everyone in the world may have at least one, by the time we’re through!

“The tone for that was established between Alatar and Elanor before we met,” he responded, holding up his left hand and displaying Rómhandë. “I felt it would be inappropriate, lecturing an Istari and Ringbearer, on mother’s strictures against discussing Rings.”

Kasanari: So, all the secrecy around the Rings of Power is Arwen’s fault, somehow? I might have known… Polychron is nothing if not predictable…

The Unfair Sex: 126

“That was probably best,” she affirmed. “Sometimes, the less of mother the better.”

MG: Well, Arwen doesn’t actually appear that much in LotR proper (the appendices and especially “The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen” flesh her out more) but that’s because she was a late addition to the story – Eowyn was originally supposed to be Aragorn’s love interest, but Tolkien decided partway through writing he didn’t like them together after all, and ended up pairing Eowyn with Faramir and needing to create a new love interest for Aragorn. So normally I’d say more Arwen would be good… but with Polychron’s Undomiel of Borg, less is indeed better! And even her children seem to think so too! Harsh, but considering what she put Celendrian through, probably deserved.

The Unfair Sex: 127

“In the event, it was invaluable,” he told her. “Secrets were shared which proved decisive. Most incredibly, Círdan has given Fastred a Stone from the Shroud of Túrin!”

Thalia: Yes, most incredibly! In fact, it makes no sense that he gave a young hobbit he barely knows such an artifact at all… unless he knows things about where this story is going that we don’t…

“I wondered what that was he used to free the Dodecs,” she said. “I didn’t know there were loose Stones from the Shroud. It explains how you’ve been hiding from our palantír.”

“‘Our palantír’?” he asked.

“We took the Orthanc-stone,” she told him. “Don’t look so shocked. Without it, we wouldn’t have known you were danger… or arrived in time to save you.”

Kasanari: *shaking her head* No, no, based on the timeline we were provided, that simply made no sense at all, Palantir or no!

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 61

“Then I most heartily approve,” he said, leaning towards her and smiling. “Thank you.”

“I wish I could take the credit,” she told him. “It was mother’s idea.”

“Her directness and lack of patience grates on almost everyone,” Eldarion said. “Yet where would we be without mother. Have you given Elboron access to the Stone?”

Thalia: I thought that Polychron’s Arwen was supposed to be secretive and manipulative? Now she’s direct and impatient? Are there multiple Arwens in this story, perhaps gathered from different points in her life and brought to this one time, or from slightly differing realities? It could explain much!

“No, nor do I intend to,” she told him. “Elboron isn’t going to be getting anything from me – for quite some time.”

Kasanari: *arching an eyebrow* In other words, Elboron is going to be sleeping outside the tent for a while, if I’m reading the subtext correctly!

He laughed and she did too. It felt good to find their footing with each other again.

“You mustn’t judge him too harshly,” Eldarion told her. “He is in love with you and accustomed to getting his way at home. With us, he feels he must be careful of our relationships, while never being less than our most devoted friend. Tonight, he asked if you had come to me and had him barred from our group traveling north, to protect him.”

“He needn’t have bothered,” she said. “I won’t try protecting him again.”

Kasanari: *Celendrian* Also, I don’t think he’s ever been to Rivendell and doesn’t have any skills that would be particularly useful there… so I suppose it is for his own good after all that he’s not coming!

“Not even Fastred would believe that,” he told her. “Right now, you are just upset.” She hugged him and held onto his waist. “You’re quite fond of your new friends.”

“I believe you will find them as delightful a group as I have,” he said. Wrapping them in his cloak, he put his arm around her, “But you are my sister. The place you hold in my heart compares to no other.” For a long time they sat in a comfortable silence, staring up at the stars.

MG: Huh. Polychron… actually managed a reasonably compelling moment of emotional bonding! I’m in shock!

“Remember when we used to dream of growing up and finding Rings of Power?” she asked. “And using them to defeat dreaded foes!”

MG: …and then he ruined it, because he can’t resist reminding us that this fic and everyone in it has a Valar-damned one-track mind and can’t ever think of anything but Rings! Also, I can’t imagine Aragorn or Arwen were very happy to catch their children playing that, all things considered…

Rings-a-Palooza: 183

“If memory serves me,” he responded, “I believe Elboron and Elerith were usually the sources of those more romantic ideas of conflict.”

“True,” she said. “There didn’t seem to be a point in doing mother’s work and killing all their fun.”

Kasanari: *pinches the bridge of her nose* Polychron… what is your problem with Arwen? Or is it motherly women in general you dislike, with the singular apparent exception of Eowyn?

The Unfair Sex: 127

“Now the reality is upon us,” he told her.

“It’s not fun at all,” she responded.

MG: Well, it’s rather superficial and clumsily handled, but it’s at least thematically consistent with some of Frodo and Sam’s discussions about the difference between hearing a tale and being in one...

“Something has happened,” he noted. “To upset you… profoundly.”

“I know we’re not supposed to say anything…”

MG: Considering the way they talk and delicately dance around the topic of what happened to Celendrian, together with her earlier feelings of being literally violated… eeesh, Polychron, the implications here are and remain horrifying.

“You and I can share whatever we wish,” he told her. “Mother’s strictures – or not. I trust our bond as much as Elladan and Elrohir trust theirs.”

“There’s a lot more to their bond than meets the eye,” she told him. “I have always assumed there is,” he affirmed.

MG: It turns out “Elladan and Elrohir” were actually Decepticons in disguise who’d replaced the real sons of Elrond some time back. After the initial shock wore off, everyone agreed it explained a lot.

Against the explicit instructions of their mother, repeated since they were children, Celendrian unburdened herself, telling him everything that had happened since they left home.

He listened patiently, holding her when she cried. He didn’t try to fix the problems she described, he just listened, sitting with his arm around her, paying close attention.

Sometimes he asked questions. Above all, he made it clear he loved her and would always be here for her, her steadfast rock of support.

MG: I mean, on the one hand, this is very stiff and cold, heavy on the telling over showing and making it hard to get really invested… but it’s still one of the more effective emotional moments in the fic so far, albeit more on the idea of the scene than the execution. Which is telling in itself, admittedly… still, it does a better job of making me like either Eldarion or Celendrian and believing in their sibling bond compared to any of the more detailed scenes with them we’ve seen…

* * * * *

Glorfindel entered Arwen’s cell alone. The heavy iron door clanged shut behind him.

Thalia: He’d had it installed especially when he converted the cellar into a dungeon, with acoustics in mind! He was very proud.

The Queen remained impassive.

“Yes,” he said. “That’s precisely how you did it when we all lived here together.”

Kasanari: *Arwen* Though I remember rather less of me being chained up in a dungeon when we lived here together…

“It does not matter what you have come for,” she told him. “I will tell you nothing.”

“You are quite mistaken,” he informed her. “On all counts.”

MG: Eh, Palpatine said it better. “You will find it is you who are mistaken.. about a great many things.” Of course, Palpatine had Ian McDiarmid’s delivery of his lines to help him out. Glorfindel just has Polychron’s cliched villain dialogue, and it’s… not as effective.

“Elladan and Elrohir will destroy you,” she said. “Your Rings of Power, or no Rings.”

“I am certain they will try with their own ‘Rings of Power, or no Rings,’” he said.

Thalia: *Glorfindel* …actually, that sounded much more impressive in my head. In fact, considering we all have Rings of Power and we all know it, I’m not entirely sure what it means…

Rings-a-Palooza: 184

“Yes. I did enjoy that look of surprise. I remember well, such victories over you are rare. I’m also preparing a few surprises for them. When they arrive, they won’t be expecting what they find.”

MG: To be fair, it’s going to be the arrival of certain other parties at the little get-together Glorfindel is planning that he is not going to be expecting…

The guards standing at attention outside the Queen’s cell heard her scream. They didn’t dare disobey Glorfindel’s commands and look inside.

MG: And, speaking of Star Wars… this is basically just a direct copy of the “Vader interrogates Leia” scene from A New Hope, complete with the sudden cut to outside at the end. Let’s just say Star Wars did it better (we’ll find out more about what Glorfindel is actually doing to Arwen here later, and no, if you’re worried, it’s not rape, thank Eru). But I have to say, this little aside feels… weird to me. Tolkien, in the Middle-earth tales, generally does not do these sorts of cuts to “what are the bad guys up to?” We see the villains when they cross paths with the heroes, and when they don’t, we have to hear about what they’re up to secondhand. Tolkien is a skilled enough writer, of course, that he’s able to use this to build up the villains’ presence and influence very effectively even when they’re not actually on-page. So far, Polychron seems to have at least been trying to handle things similarly, though obviously he’s not as skilled at it, and the various flashbacks have muddled the issue. But here we do have a sudden hop over to Glorfindel for a very quick little sequence, and iirc this is one of the only times the fic will attempt a cut over to the villains outside of a flashback this way. It’s very odd – was this exchange between Glorfindel and Arwen something we desperately needed that badly? Did he just really want to rip-off Star Wars? Who knows?

Feel My Edge: 109

* * * * *

The twins shouldered their packs. They led Eldarion, Alatar and the hobbits to the mouth of a cave at the foot of the western slope of mount Andrath. Recently run dry, a depression at the entrance had been a flowing stream.

MG: “Andrath” is not a mountain; it’s the cleft or valley between the Barrow-downs and the South Downs (per the UT, it’s also where the Witch-King camped while coordinating the other Ringwraiths’ hunt for the Ring in the first part of FotR). It’s directly south of Bree, rather far from Weathertop… and to the west, the opposite direction they need to be going in. So, well-done, Polychron! This all adds up to making, well, let’s go with negative sense.

Loremaster’s Headache: 444

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 62

“May we again switch Rings?” Eldarion asked Elanor. They did and he peered into the shadows. “I cannot see the depths. I felt certain I should be able to with your Ring.”

Kasanari: Amazing – something a Ring of Power turns out to not be able to do! Though I do have to say that the way these people casually trade these objects continues to strike me as rather… unwise.

“There is no need to be concerned,” Elladan told him. “Elrohir and I have been through these caves before.”

“Why are you worried?” Elrohir asked. “We thought you liked caves. Did you not write a poem about wanting to go adventuring in one?”

“I did write a poem,” Eldarion responded. “It was about wanting to escape a cave.”

Thalia: So, rather the opposite of what they’re about to be doing, then? Then again, I actually like caves!

“Oh, can we hear it before going into this one?” Elanor asked. “Please? It would lift my spirits and make this easier.”

Kasanari: Based on the apparent topic, that seems likely to have the opposite effect…

MG: And I’m suddenly reminded of the hobbits trying to sing a song about escaping the Old Forest… while trying to escape the Old Forest. Not only did that not help, it actually made the Forest’s oppressive atmosphere worse.

“Well…” Eldarion responded. He regarded his uncles with a less-than-grateful look. “Only for you, Lady Elanor. I was very young when I wrote this, perhaps a bit impatient to grow up, and feeling more, the burdens of my position, rather than the privileges.”

Kasanari: One might think that feeling the burdens of one’s position rather than the privileges might be a sign of maturity rather than the reverse, if one assumes “burdens” here mean “responsibilities”…

Am I a gem that is possessed
By caves within the sea
A fragrant flower however bright
That people will not see

Am I a man who'll not see dreams
Become reality
What are the glories I could have had
That never came to be

How many lovers have I lost
That I have never had
How many questions can I ask
Without me going mad

How many lives, how many deaths
And yes, how many births
Are greater or more tragic
On how many Middle-earths

For when in space and where in time
Have I successfully
Both sought and found, then finally lived
My chosen destiny

Why can't this then be the world
Where I can catch a wave
And escape the stifling darkness
That is with me in this cave

MG: …Eldarion, that’s about a metaphorical cave, not adventuring in or trying to escape a literal cave. It’s also pretty clearly set to the same meter as Tolkien’s “I Sit Beside The Fire And Think,” recited by Bilbo as the Fellowship left Rivendell. That poem was about an old man musing on his life and his mortality. Coming from someone who was, self-admittedly, an angsty teenager when he wrote it, the effect is… not quite the same.

“That was better than the first one,” Elanor told him. “Thank you for sharing it.”

MG: *muttering* Because it ripped off the style and tone from a better poem by a better poet…

“It seems kind of strange,” Theo remarked. “If we come through this cave and are successful on the other side, this will become the world you wanted to live in.”

Thalia: Not… really? Even if you make it through the cave, you still have to rescue Arwen, and then defeat Glorfindel and Thuringel and… all those others… and do something interesting with all of those rings! I think your journey will be far from over… unless you expect to find Arwen, and the villains, and all the rings in the cave? That might simplify things!

“Let’s not attach too much more significance to this particular expedition,” Alatar said. “It already has more than enough.”

Kasanari: The wizard speaks good sense! Clearly, nearly getting blasted off of Weathertop by his own incompetence was good for him!

They took the covers off their Fëanorian Lamps and the twins led them into darkness.

“How long will it take us to get through?” Fastred asked, fearfully looking into the cave. “Hobbits prefer to live in holes, but personally, I don’t like being too far underground.”

MG: Based on Bilbo’s experience in the goblin tunnels in The Hobbit, this would seem to be pretty accurate! Hobbits like relatively shallow holes that are close enough to the surface to still have openings like doors and windows, not deep caverns and mines, as a rule.

“One day,” Elladan answered. “Perhaps two at most.”

“The walls of the gorge protecting Imladris are high and steep,” Elrohir told him. “Yet far less wide than the Misty Mountains.”

MG: Considering how long it took Aragorn and the four hobbits to get from Weathertop to Rivendell (albeit making very slow progress for much of that because of the need to carry and care for the very sick Frodo) this seems hilariously optimistic.

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 63

The dry streambed was uneven and winding, though mostly flat. They made good time.

Thalia: …so far, this cave is very underwhelming. Consider me very disappointed – I don’t think I’ll come here after all!

After two hours, they came to a wide bend. Rounding the corner, in the center of a large cavern stood the figure of a man. He faced them with his arms at his sides, motionless, silent and alone. He was curiously dressed in smooth, grayish-green sleek form-fitting clothes, not much bulkier than if he’d been wearing little more than his own skin. The light from their Lamps glinted and glittered off the surfaces. They were covered with small scales, like a fish.

He was tall and fair. His high cheekbones, square chin and long thick black hair recalled the bearing and likeness of figures carved in stone by Drendelen. Those statues could still be found in the cities of Arnor and Gondor, of Númenóreans.

MG: …because it’s not as if the Numenoreans had their own traditions of statuary to draw on or anything (the Argonath? What’s that?). I mean, Nerdanel is awesome, and Polychron clearly loves his special creation Drendelen… but they’re not the only sculptors in Arda! The way he keeps referencing them and only them makes the world feel smaller, not bigger!

They could see he was breathing. His chest rose and fell. But his unblemished skin was marble white. Below his forehead and above his nose, the white skin was smooth and seamless – he had no eyes.

MG: Wait a minute… humanoid figure… chalky white skin… no eyes… who let the Myrddraal in here? Run for your lives!

“Long has it been since surface dwellers used the Road winding through Euthyria,” he said. “It was prophesied when the Globse River in the western Abyss runs dry, strangers would come bearing great news and greater need. It must be true if you dare the paths of the collocoll.”

Kasanari: Ah, so that must be the meaning of our chapter title, then! Though it seems to me that the collocoll have not come, so much as our heroes have gone to where they are…

“I am Elladan of the Elves and this, my brother Elrohir,” he told the collocoll. “We are the sons of Elrond Peredhel. He was once known as the Lord of Imladris, ruler of the lands on the far side of your cavern halls. We came among your people many years ago. Though it was long before any were born who now live in the towns and cavity streets of your kingdoms.”

“Hopefully,” Elrohir added, “some history endures and records that when last we met, we met as friends.”

Thalia: *as the collocoll man* Actually, our records record that the last time you were here, you seemed to think we were orcs and tried to kill us. In other words, you are not permitted to enter our kingdom – defend yourselves!

“You are Elladan and Elrohir… the Elvish twins of legend?” the stranger asked.

MG: *sighs* Why does everyone in this fic seem so obsessed with the damned twins!? They’re not really that important!

“We are,” Elrohir answered, stepping forward. “Our friend, the collocoll King Spelen, was kind when first we came. Though his people have doubtless sent him on The Great Voyage long ago, in your waters of eternal rest whose fathomless depths have no bottom.”

Kasanari: I can only presume that is a ritual phrase, because otherwise, it is incredibly awkward. I think the collocoll knows his own people’s history and customs better than you do!

The stranger raised his empty palms, holding them straight out from his sides to show he was unarmed. “I am Calcarin, a translator, son of Hydrochous, a collocoll of Ferrumequinum. We serve King Helvum and Queen Mederma. What brings you to the Kingdom of Collocolly?”

MG: Collocolly? *cracks up laughing* Seriously, Polychron? That’s the best you can do for your underground kingdom of the collocoll – Collocolly? At least it’s not spelled Collocollie, because then I wouldn’t be able to picture anything but a large, subterranean sheepdog!

“Our father departed on his own Great Voyage and shall not return,” Elladan answered.

“Our lands are now held against us by a Usurper. We request permission to cross your borders so we may reclaim our ancestral home.”

MG: Wow, Glorfindel apparently got “Usurper” as part of his official title, judging by the capital! But if you’re an officially justified and acknowledged Usurper, wouldn’t that be an oxymoron?

Another tall red-haired white-skinned similarly dressed and eyeless collocoll, making curious clacking sounds, ran to Calcarin from beyond their lamplight. “They cannot enter!”

“What is wrong?” Calcarin asked.

Thalia: *New Collocoll* They actually are murderers and can’t be permitted to enter! Now, I repeat – defend yourselves, strangers!

The other refused to answer. “This is Stygobromus, Son of Parnel, Warden of the Western Abyss of Collocolly. Only by his leave may you pass our borders.” He turned to Stygobromus. “These are the Elven twins of legend, Elladan and Elrohir, returned at last! As foretold by our forefathers, the time of our deliverance has come!”

MG: *muttering angrily* Now Elladan and Elrohir are godsdamned chosen ones, apparently! Seriously, Polychron, why do you love these characters so much? Were they just relatively easy for you to rewrite into hard men who make hard choices for the “greater good”, was that it?

“If this is true, I will not gainsay you,” Stygobromus told him. “The twins and their friends may enter, except him.” Without looking, he pointed a finger like an accusation at Alatar.

Kasanari: Well, considering the wizard’s past actions, I can’t really blame them… I doubt his tendency to cause destructive explosions would go over very well so deep underground, would it?

“What?” Eldarion asked.

“What do you know of me?” the wizard asked. “I am Alatar the Blue, a Wizard of Aman.

MG: Something just rubs me wrong about how Alatar always introduces himself as “a Wizard of Aman;” it feels uncomfortably like a boast. Gandalf certainly never felt a need to brag about his divine origins and mission (the closest being that he apparently once mentioned rather offhandedly to Faramir that he was known as Olorin in his youth in the West, but I don’t think Faramir seems to have made the connection to him being a Maia from this) – even Saruman didn’t! It makes me wonder if the wizards were actually barred from discussing their origins much, since they were forbidden from ruling the peoples of Middle-earth themselves or matching Sauron’s force with force of their own, and preventing them from leaning too much on their connections with the Valar would doubtless help with that (and, notably, they always seem to have gone by the names the people of Middle-earth gave them, not by their actual Maiar names). Clearly, if so, Alatar never got the memo.

I come in peace to aid Collocoll, Hobbits, Men and Elves alike in Middle-earth.”

“We are not in Middle-earth,” Stygobromus said, scornfully. “This is Under-earth! The oceans and lands of Euthyria are many times more vast than you surface dwellers imagine. Yet we have no room for an abomination like you!” He turned to Calcarin. “Do you not hear?”

MG: Just feels worth pointing out that Tolkien was rather fond of underground adventures himself. We went through Goblin-Town and surrounding caverns, and then Erebor, in The Hobbit, and through Moria, Shelob’s Lair and the Paths of the Dead in LotR. And at no point was it even hinted that this involved leaving Middle-earth for some other realm, even when Gandalf plunged to the very bottom of the chasm in Moria with Durin’s Bane and into the domain of the Nameless Things. I think this is our first real taste of Polychron bolting his own worldbuilding onto – or in this case, under – Middle-earth. We saw it once with the Harad stuff, and now we have a different locale and different ideas. We’ll be getting into a lot more detail about this stuff in the next couple of posts, but let’s just say for now that Polychron is going to be literally including whole worlds beneath Arda. Which I don’t think makes sense, for reasons which we’ll discuss when the whole thing gets laid out in detail for us later, just… keep it in mind. And, like the Harad stuff, it’s not bad worldbuilding, exactly – I might be interested in quite a lot of it, in other settings with a better writer. Weird underground adventures are something I’m generally up for! It just doesn’t fit here.

And, on a related note… the collocoll. They bug me. Not because they’re uninteresting, but because they don’t fit. Every major species of sapient beings in Arda has a history and an origin. The Ainur were created by Eru Iluvatar before the world, and the “Children of Iluvatar” – elves and Men – were created by Eru as part of the initial making of Ea. Dwarves were the children of Aule and Ents of Yavanna, both approved and blessed by Eru; orcs were probably corrupted elves, and trolls probably corrupted ents. Hobbits were probably an offshoot of humanity. Dragons were bred by Morgoth, though we don’t know the exact means, and many of the other explicitly supernatural beings were implied to have originally been Maiar who assumed that form and stayed there. There are a few deliberate mysteries – Nameless Things, Ungoliant and her spawn, Tom Bombadil – but they’re notable because they’re exceptions, with the narrative actively drawing attention to how mysterious they are. But what about the collocoll? Where do they fit into Arda’s tree of life? Into its history and mythology? And the answer is… they don’t seem to, really. They’re eyeless people who live underground, and they’re just… here now. We’ll meet other subterranean dwellers as well. But, because they don’t fit with the rest of the setting, and because they barely feel like they were built up to at all, I find it really hard to actually get invested in them or care about their involvement in things, and I can’t shake the feeling that Polychron just made them up for something else, and plopped them into Arda when he decided to do this fic without trying to figure out how they tie into the rest of it.

Expansion-Pack World: 35

Loremaster’s Headache: 446

“I do,” Calcarin answered. “Listen closer. Beneath the pain, do you not hear… the beauty?” He made the same sort of clacking noises in his throat, then pointed without looking, just as Stygobromus had, one after another at Elladan, Elrohir, Eldarion and Elanor.

“What do you hear, my friends?” Eldarion asked. He stepped up even with the twins.

“From his twisted heart,” Stygobromus shouted, pointing at Alatar. “The Song of Pain!”

Thalia: Well, in their defense, he did blow up an inn and devastated part of a town, and probably killed or hurt quite a few people…

“Ah,” the wizard said. He withdrew from inside his breast pocket, Ngwalmë, Sauron’s Ring of Torment, Torture and Pain. It glowed with a black Star Diopside stone. “You mean this.”

Kasanari: Why. Why do we need the full recounting of description and titles every time one of these devices appears in the story!? And of course, the collocolls’ reaction to Alatar had to do with one of the rings…

Rings-a-Palooza: 185

“Cast it out!” Stygobromus shouted. He covered his ears with his hands. “You bring Evil to Euthyria! Cast it from the cavern before you drive our people mad!”

Thalia: Aha! Someone who recognizes that the rings are dangerous and wants them gone! This… truly this is a collocoll of superior wisdom! Can I hug you, Stygobromus? Please?

From deep within the cave came a cacophony of clacking, followed by two companies of collocoll soldiers. They were dressed for combat in turtle shell helms, shields and armor. They carried ingeniously designed spears and swords of finely crafted and razor sharp-edged stone.

Forming two lines behind Stygobromus and Calcarin, they held their weapons at the ready.

“I’m sorry,” Alatar said. His robes glinted silver-blue and glowed. He gestured and spoke a series of commands. His staff glowed bright and all went dark. “I didn’t know.”

Kasanari: *stunned* You didn’t… it’s one of Sauron’s Rings of Power! In another age, it empowered one of the Ringwraiths! You just fought a different group of Ringwraiths bearing these Rings, in fact! How… how could you, supposedly an expert in these matters, not realize how dangerous this object is!?

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 163

The imperishable blue light in their Fëanorian Lamps sputtered back to life. The collocoll made a torrent of clacks. They lowered their hands and their faces filled with wonder.

MG: I do like the collocoll’s language being composed of clacking sounds to untutored ears, I must say. It reminds me a bit of the Ents and how alien their language is, an easy reminder that these beings are not human and do not necessarily speak, think or hear as we do. Why the collocoll seem to have names in a completely different language than the one they communicate in among themselves, I’m not sure on (but no points here, because the collocoll aren’t Tolkien’s creations and don’t use his languages); maybe they’re like Ents or dwarves and take public names in languages of other peoples, for privacy or just convenience? *shrugs*

“I heard the music, yet the Song of Pain was so loud. But now…” Stygobromus couldn’t finish. A drop of water, clear and bright, dripped from his nose. First one, then another, then many more. He and the collocoll soldiers cried. Their tears poured from their noses and dripped off their chins. “The melodies are… so beautiful.”

Kasanari: By the Four, somehow even this turned into praise of Alatar, despite beginning as criticism for his stupidity! But I must say… if Polychron was trying to be dignified, his insistence on describing the collocoll’s runny noses did not help with that!

Alatar lifted his staff and spoke more commands. Another moment of darkness came and went. The soldiers stilled their tears and wiped their noses.

“I will lead you to King Helvum and Queen Mederma,” Stygobromus said. “Perhaps as Calcarin hopes, the time has come and your arrival begins the fulfillment of the prophesy.”

MG: You know, it occurs to me that despite the high fantasy genre’s reputation for relying so heavily on prophecies, and LotR being the foundational modern work of that genre… LotR actually doesn’t focus on prophecy much? It has a few, sure – the verse from Boromir and Faramir’s dreams, the oracles of Malbeth the Seer Glorfindel’s prophecy about the Witch-king’s doom, etc. – but they’re mostly secondary to the narrative, hardly a major driving force. Neither Frodo nor Aragorn are exactly conventional fantasy “Chosen Ones” either, though Aragorn is closer (with the notable twist of him not actually being the main character). It makes me wonder what author’s work was so influential as to make “there is a very detailed prophesy about a chosen hero” such an overused trope? It would be kind of embarrassing if it was Eddings… maybe Donaldson? *shrugs* Dune is science fiction, but very much science fiction of the “epic fantasy in space” vein… but Dune also deconstructs the idea of the prophesied hero rather than playing it straight…

The collocoll clacks sounded like a cross between clearing throats and the chirps of exceptionally large crickets. The soldiers formed two companies. One led Stygobromus, Calcarin, Eldarion, Alatar, the twins and hobbits. The second came behind them.

They walked on winding paths through many caverns. Elanor realized if she became separated from her friends, she would never be able to retrace their steps and find her way back out. She was grateful their collocoll escorts guided in front and watched out for them behind.

MG: …so, I’ll be adding “describing wonderful and terrible underground labyrinths” as another point Tolkien has over Polychron, then…

They passed through a cavern whose walls were covered in gems. Their Fëanorian Lamps shined over them, dazzling bright. Different bands of colors glowed in a single stone, displaying every color they’d ever seen and many more they couldn’t name, nor had even imagined.

As they passed the gems, the colors changed. They seemed to flow and grow with every step and movement of their Lamps. Their iridescent beauty flared to life as bright as fire.

“What are those?” Elanor asked, amazed. No one knew.

“I bet if we sold them in Bree,” Fastred told her, “we’d be richer than Dwarves!”

Thalia: Because… all dwarves are rich? Richer than which dwarves, exactly?

MG: And, well… once again, Tolkien did it better. “Glittering Caverns and Aglarond,” anyone? Though I bet Gimli would do a better job of describing this one than Polychron has, if he were here! *beat* Say, where have Legolas and Gimli been since Polychron had Arwen declare them persona non grata? Just sulking in Erebor and Mirkwood? That would be underwhelming, if so!

“You cannot take the stones of Euthyria,” Stygobromus admonished. “We cast thieves into the pits which have no bottoms.”

Kasanari: …it may seem cruel but, well, as certain people in my own world could stand to learn, keep your hands off other people’s abundant natural resources and national treasures…

“Oh, my!” Elanor exclaimed. “What is it?” Theo asked.

Thalia: She’s just realized she doesn’t want to get thrown down a bottomless pit after all? Alas, we can’t all be Gandalfs!

“I just realized,” she answered. “I have to start writing down everything that’s been happening to us – and add it to the Red Book!”

“With all that’s happened,” Theo said. “It’s going to end up being a mighty thick book.”

“There is doubtless more to come,” Eldarion noted.

“Then we just might have to make it two books,” she said, happily.

MG: *sighs* That’s Polychron cracking a joke about his own plans for this series, isn’t it? A bit prematurely, as it turns out! *snickers quietly* Okay, okay, that was petty… but even so, it is pretty remarkable how big his plans for this series were, and how thoroughly he shot himself in the foot over it!

They passed through another cavern filled with tablet-shaped crystals. They had yellow- green scales that seemed to drink the light of their Lamps. Once through, she looked back. The crystals glowed green like apples, beckoning her to return to the garden of green stones lying in her past, just beyond the light of their Lamps. The green fire seemed to live inside the gems.

In another cave, majestically faceted crystals weren’t imbedded in the walls: they were the walls, roofs, columns, floors and paths. They glowed with a pale yellow light and led to jewel-walled chambers. The facets of the crystals formed bejeweled steps rising and descending. These led to mammoth and monumental gems, growing in the chambers above and below them.

“How is it possible for crystals to be this big?” Theo asked.

MG: Well, if you ask Neal Adams over at Batman: Odyssey, then the whole Earth is actually a giant geode that’s constantly growing, and now you’re descending through it, so in other words… watch out for the dinosaur people. And the beatnik wizards.

“It seems we’ve descended through strange roads into strange lands,” Alatar answered, examining the gargantuan crystals. “Stranger than even the wonders of Aman.”

Thalia: *whispering* Has Polychron just declared his setting to be even more wondrous than the realm of the gods? Is he not at all worried about getting smited over that? Not that the Valar really seem the type, but even so…

Take That, Tolkien!: 52

“I have sometimes wondered what it might be like to have not been born a Prince,” Eldarion told them. “There have been great dangers, terrible trials and many hardships. Yet experiencing these wonders, I now know for certain, if I had been born into a conventional life, I would leave it. I would not trade my life, even with its burdens, for any other.”

Kasanari: *arches an eyebrow* Because clearly only princes get to have amazing adventures… who ever heard of ordinary people getting a chance to leave home, confront dragons, or play the pivotal role in the ending of the age and the beginning of the new one… hmm, considering to whom you speak, perhaps choose your next words with more care, oh prince?

In another cave, crystals as big as buildings filled the floor, rising in columns. They were clear as glass, yet hard as stone. Elanor thought they might be ice. Touching one, it felt warm.

Fastred went around the back so they could see each other through the clear rock. Even though the crystal wasn’t faceted nor cut and had no cracks, she saw two Fastreds. The light from his Lamp split – leaving tails and spots, trailing lights shooting in every direction. They looked like stars flinging traces of the Sun in bright birefringence, passing just beyond their eyes.

Theo went around the clear rock and joined Fastred on the other side.

Elanor saw something different over his head. “What’s that?”

The others looked: two golden orbs were crossed by two glowing bars of star-like blue light, hovering just above his head. It filled him with a pulsing light and revealed a hidden recess in the wall behind him, as if he wore a crown of sky leading to more secrets of the Heavens.

Kasanari: Oh, what new nonsense is this…

“Theo,” Alatar told him. “Don’t move.”

Theo froze. They went around the clear rock and approached the glowing orbs, but before they reached them, the orbs vanished. They reappeared on the other side of a secret door. It was outlined in pulsing gold and blue light, leading to another cave.

“Are you alright?” Elanor asked.

“I’m fine,” Theo answered. “But something is calling to me from the other side.”

Thalia: Oh, was it a siren? I thought they lived in the ocean and not underground, but I suppose one might have commuted… I always wanted to meet a siren… but perhaps you should stay away, just in case? I hear they are fond of leading people to their dooms…

The others heard it too.

“This is the Cave of the Sun,” Calcarin told them. He pointed to ancient drawings above the entrance. There were abstract geometric shapes below representations of thirteen ancient animals, running across the top. “Our legends say only the twins and their friends may enter.”

The collocoll soldiers didn’t dare disobey. They all knew the prophesy.

All Sporkers: *growl angrily*

The twins ushered in their five companions. Eldarion stopped, beckoning to Calcarin and Stygobromus. “Come with us, my friends. Let us discover these wonders together.”

Calcarin and Stygobromus joined them. Outside their escorts waited, clacking fearfully.

The twins led them through another cave. The stone walls and floor were smooth, but uneven and irregular. The walls sloped sleekly on the Road, going this way and that, as if they had been formed by water in motion. At the far end, the pale blue light grew brighter.

MG: At least it’s not “azure?” *beat* Oh, gods, have they stumbled into the caverns Wigg and Faegan visited in Scrolls of the Ancients a few months ago? Gah, Polychron and Newcomb are bad enough alone – Polychron and Newcomb together is something no one should have to experience!

Following the slanting floor, they passed a curving wall. The cave’s pale glow went from a soft blue to a warm golden light. At the far end, a round entrance was half submerged. The opening went down to a glowing golden lake, brightly lit from below. Within it lay a large stone.

Even with the floor, a flat stone shelf went all the way around a tall, boulder-like stone floating in the lake. Its peak rose like a spire, half-submerged in the golden water. The twins led them onto the shelf. As soon as they were on, it began to move. Elanor found the change disorienting. She would have fallen, but Theo and Fastred took her hands and steadied her.

“Do not be alarmed,” Elladan told them. “This is a Sailing Stone.”

Thalia: Does it have… sails… on it? Otherwise it’s not much of a “sailing” stone, is it?

“It will take us to The One Who Calls,” Elrohir assured them.

MG: Which sounds very much like the sort of name Newcomb would come up with, help me.

They sailed smoothly across the still water, out one cave and across an underground lake. Entering a larger cave, on the roof high above them, small shapes pulsed with a cold black light.

“What are they?” Elanor asked.

“Shadow-worms,” Elladan answered. “They sense evil thoughts.”

“They fall and devour anyone who thinks them while riding a Sailing Stone,” Elrohir told them. “They are here to protect The One Who Calls.”

MG: Because when I think “Middle-earth,” I think “mind-reading worms that eat people who have evil thoughts.” This concept just… doesn’t really fit with this setting, for reasons I can’t entirely put my finger on save that Tolkien is usually more subtle than this, and it just furthers my suspicion that Polychron created all this stuff for some other setting and shoved it into – or under – Middle-earth later.

On the far shore from under the water rose the slender shoulders of a beautiful woman. Her pale hair glowed with a bluish tint and her skin was marble white. She wore long, golden gossamer robe belted by a black leather scabbard hanging empty.

Kasanari: I presume that scabbard is symbolic; it doesn’t’ seem very useful otherwise, does it?

When she turned to them, her golden irises gleamed with an amber glow. Her pupils shone with a brilliant star-like blue.

MG: She has eyes, so she’s not a collocoll; I’m not sure if we ever get any sort of confirmation what she’s supposed to be. Maybe a Maia, though as we’ll see shortly, Alatar doesn’t know her? *shrugs*

She curtsied low, “I am the Lady of the Cave.”

Thalia: *raises her hand* Beg pardon, but wouldn’t that be the Lady in the Cave? Or even just a lady in the cave?

“What’s your name?’ Alatar asked, bowing. “I am Alatar the Blue, a Wizard of Aman.”

Kasanari: *grating* We. Know. Can you go longer than five seconds without announcing yourself, wizard? Or shall I start introducing myself to everyone I meet as Kasanari the Green, Druid of Innenotdar, and expect them to be impressed?

“Tulúnidil,” she answered. “Keeper of The Secrets Of The Earths.”

MG: Based on later revelations, I’m pretty sure that plural is entirely intentional, fwiw.

As she walked up the shore, the water stayed behind leaving her raiment and supple skin dry. Before her, the path rose along a high golden arch. “Come Morinehtar, child of Oromë. Follow me. You and your companions will be the first outside the Valar to enter the Cave of the Sun.”

MG: I can only hope that “child” is being used metaphorically there! Alatar (who may or may not be the same person as “Morinehtar,” if you’ll recall) was part of the entourage of Orome, but Tolkien dropped the idea of the Valar having children very early in the development of the mythos. If Alatar is supposed to be Orome’s son… well, it wouldn’t make much sense, but I wouldn’t put it past Polychron, either.

Loremaster’s Headache: 447

On the other side, a lake enclosed an island bearing a glowing golden grotto. In the center sat an oval stone chamber. Above it, a hole in the roof let in a bright shaft of Sun light. It lanced straight down onto a rock-hewn table. In the center, a golden hexagonal gem absorbed the light.

“What is this stone?” Eldarion asked.

“You are the Crown Prince Eldarion Telcontar, son of the High King Elessar,” Tulúnidil told him. “And this is the Sky-Stone.”

Thalia: If he wasn’t the Crown Prince Eldarion Telcontar, it would have been the Earth Stone. Some artifacts are picky that way!

The golden-white light turned black, filling the Sky-stone with a pulsing black light.

“What’s going on?” Alatar asked.

“In the sky outside there is an eclipse,” Elladan answered.

MG: *sighs* Which is just… happening right now, I guess! How convenient! Eclipses are rare, you know, and they can be predicted mathematically – they don’t just happen at random times!

“In those few instances when Arien and Tilion pass, their mingled light is collected here by the Sky-stone,” Elrohir explained.

“The time has come for one of you to carry the Sky-stone to the surface,” she said. “We can’t touch it!” Alatar told her. “Its heat would destroy our mortal forms.”

Kasanari: *grinning* Which is why you will be the one to carry it, wizard! You are not mortal, and your spirit will survive – possibly in some discomfort, but you’ll survive!

“Do not fear,” Tulúnidil told him. “I will aid the one I choose to bear the Sky-stone without harm. Come Théoden, son of Meriadoc. The hour of your Geomancy has come.”

MG: What. Seriously, what. This whole encounter has been random, but this exchange is… especially random. Why Theo? What exactly does this have to do with anything? Why are we even here, exactly? Weren’t we supposed to be rescuing Arwen? What is going on, Polychron!?

“Me?!” Theo asked. “Why me? I can’t bear the heat of a Sky-stone!”

Kasanari: Excellent questions all.

“You can with this,” Tulúnidil told. She opened the lid of a small blue bowl. It held a swirling pool of water. In the center floated a black boat-shaped stone. “This is a dream-pool. It bears an onyx Lode-stone. It will absorb the heat and keep you safe.”

Thalia: Hmm; lode-stones, sky-stones, Turin-stones, seeing-stones – there are a great many stones in this saga, are there not? Almost as many as there are rings… personally, I prefer staves…

He looked back at his friends. The twins nodded. Trembling, he held out his hand.

Tulúnidil lifted the dream-pool. Atop the spinning Lode-stone she set the burning Sky-stone. The flashing white and black light faded, revealing a glowing hexagonal gem. It was clear, like glass with a golden tint. It began spinning faster in the center of the dream-pool, pulsing from black, to grey to golden-white. Shutting the lid, she handed the bowl to Theo.

“What am I supposed to do with it?” Theo asked.

Kasanari: Carry it to the surface – isn’t that what she said? If you need to know anything more, I am no help. I’m as lost as you, my short young friend.

“For now you must carry it with you and keep it safe,” Tulúnidil told him. “You will know when the time comes for you to use the Stone.”

Fearfully, he nodded and loaded the dream-pool in his pack.

“Come with me,” she said. Returning to the Sailing Stone, the others followed.

MG: And on that note, we’re going to end things for today! This chapter… was weird, not going to lie. The first part with the various character interactions was pretty typical Polychron, and I could at least see where he was going with it even if I thought the execution was as meh and halfhearted as ever. Then we got the weird interlude with Glorfindel, and then… the underground journey and the collocoll, and it suddenly feels like we’ve wandered into a completely different setting, possibly Polychron’s homebrew DND campaign, with a whole bunch of names and places and peoples and concepts just sort of thrown at us without being explained properly at all. Honestly, it’s hard to either mock or analyze this, it’s just random, and has nothing to do with anything we’ve been building to so far, beyond the fact that collocoll have been namedropped a few times and now we know what they are. If this was done well I’d forgive it, because it’s not like traveling through strange realms and meeting the people and beings who live there is a particularly unusual plot point in Middle-earth related works to begin with, nor, as I’ve already mentioned, is having adventures in elaborate underground environments… but Polychron just makes it feel rather dull and lifeless, even when we’re experiencing things that by all right should be remarkable and wondrous. Anyway, because this chapter is another long one, we’ll be doing the second part next time, as we learn more about the collocoll, receive a sidequest, and one of the fic’s remaining big bads makes her long-awaited(?) debut. We’ll see you then! Our counts stand at:

Bigger, Louder, More!: 90

Expansion-Pack World: 40 (adding another five points just for… everything about the collocoll and Under-earth)

Feel My Edge: 109

Happy Ending Override: 30

Linguistic Confusions: 51

Loremaster’s Headache: 447

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 62

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 163

Rings-a-Palooza: 185

Take That, Tolkien!: 52

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 63

The Unfair Sex: 127