Fellowship of the King Book II Chapter Eight: Ulbandi

[masterghandalf]

This is a repost from Das_sporking2. Previous installments of this sporking may be found here.

Warning: This chapter contains misogyny and some violence.



MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Demetrious Polychron’s Fellowship of the King! Last time, our heroes got yet another sword, met the rulers of the collocoll, were railroaded into a sidequest where they had to venture into yet another underground realm, past some very underwhelming Nameless Things, to steal yet another Ring of Power, only to be suddenly cornered by Ulbandi herself! Today, it’s time to see if the Consort of Melkor lives up to her billing. Joining us today will be Arueshalae and Tharkos!

Chapter 8: Ulbandi

“Here are two collocoll from Ferrumequinum, but you are not from Under-earth,” Ulbandi said, her eyes as clear as theirs.

Arueshalae: As clear as whose, the collocoll’s? But the collocoll don’t have eyes, and Ulbandi does, because we were told last time her eyes were red *muttering* yes, I know, my eyes are also red, but I’m not affiliated with these people… anyway, I’m very confused.

“Those are Fëanor’s Lamps! Who are you?”

Tharkos: Considering the overall intelligence of the people in this story, if they tried to pretend to be Feanor and his sons, I wonder how long it would take Ulbandi to notice the deception?

MG: Well, we’ve already got a pair of twins, so that’s two down? Now I’m just wondering which of our intrepid band would end up drawing the short straw and having to pretend to be Curufin…

Alatar looked back at the narrow door and long passageway at the rear of the Armory. No one could answer, overwhelmed by the terror and horror of her Unlight.

Arueshalae: In my own world, the greater demons – the demon lords, and those who have gathered enough power to potentially ascend to that state – carry a weight of power with them. To a lesser demon like myself, it is… palpable, a weight on my soul demanding submission and obeisance. For me, it’s strongest with Queen Nocticula, of course, as she is the greatest of the succubi and was once my liege mistress… but any demon lord feels the same way. When my beloved, our companions and I faced Baphomet, the force of his scorn nearly drove me to my knees – rising to my feet and defying the Lord of Labyrinths to his face may have been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done… and also one of the most satisfying. I bring this up because I feel like Polychron is trying to give Ulbandi the same sort of aura of power. It’s not working.

MG: And building on that, one of my favorite parts of Return of the King, the book, once Frodo and Sam reach Mordor proper is how the sense of Sauron’s will pervades everything in the country, and becomes an increasingly tangible force the closer they get to Mount Doom and Barad-dur. It’s a sort of vibe I think very few authors have managed with their dark lord type villains, and it really hits home that Sauron isn’t just a human tyrant playing with magic tricks, he’s something more. He is Power, with a capital “P.” And Sauron was just a Maia. Ulbandi is a Vala – the effect of actually standing in her presence should be far, far worse than what Frodo and Sam experienced from merely passing through Sauron’s domain. But Polychron’s writing just isn’t up to the task of conveying that.

“I see a spineless wizard, two gutless Elves and a very frightened Man-child,” Ulbandi told them. “These others are less than worms.”

Tharkos: *glancing back at the previous chapter* Begging Her Majesty’s pardon, but I was under the impression she was rather fond of worms – or is that only worms of the “were” variety?

“You are Ulbandi,” Alatar finally spat. “Ruler of Spiders, Snakes and Scorpions,

MG: I think Ungoliant is going to take issue with Ulbandi’s choice of domains, there. And while the Jadis comparisons have been obvious so far, “ruler of spiders, snakes and scorpions” just makes me think of Lolth instead – after all, Lolth is strongly associated with venomous creatures in general, and while she’s especially associated with spiders – being, after all, the Spider Queen – snakes are sacred to her as well (I don’t think she’s usually associated with scorpions, though…).

the ever enchanting Queen of Abominations. In Under-earth you have been practicing Dark Arts, cross breeding Beasts with Men.

Arueshalae: Wasn’t breeding strange hybrids something Saruman had already been doing? Oh, dear, Ulbandi is quite behind the times, isn’t she?

For creating Nameless Things, you used yourself as broodmare.”

MG: …and there we have it, folks. The true origin of the mysterious Lovecraftian things crawling through Middle-earth’s underbelly, as per Demetrious Polychron – Melkor’s wife literally gave birth to them. One, that’s very underwhelming. Two, in the Lost Tales – the only version of the story in which Ulbandi exists, if you’ll recall – her son was Gothmog, a balrog, not a Nameless Thing. Three… yes, we have the Most Evil Woman In History giving birth to Lovecraftian monstrosities, no weird authorial hangups to see here, why are you asking?

Feel My Edge: 113

Loremaster’s Headache: 456

The Unfair Sex: 128

“Your voice is known to me,” she said.

Tharkos: And yet his appearance is not… one is compelled to wonder why Alatar appears differently than he did in Aman, but apparently sounds the same?

Her red eyes glowed brighter and hotter. “You never should have left Aman, little Maia! Alatar the Sad. Alatar the Cold. Alatar the Blue! The most pathetic of the Istari.

Arueshalae: …it’s harsh, but from what we’ve seen of him so far, I can’t say it’s not merited?

MG: Also it’s pretty clearly just a riff on Saruman dismissing Radagast as “Radagast the simple, Radagast the bird-tamer, Radagast the fool!” in the book. For that matter, I’m pretty sure it’s Radagast who is actually meant to be the least powerful of the Istari… though Ulbandi probably isn’t concerned with being strictly factual here.

You will regret for all Eternity having crossed paths with Ulbandi!”

MG: Eternity, the anthropomorphic personification of the universe as depicted in Marvel Comics, wondered just what he’d done to merit being dragged into all of this.

* * * * *

Uncounted eons before the birth of the Children of Ilúvatar, Ulbandi and Melkor fled the Valar after she murdered her lawfully wedded husband, the Vala Draëd.

MG: Yes, we’re about to get a (thankfully, brief) flashback/overview of Ulbandi’s backstory, delivered directly to us by the narrator. I’m not sure why we’re doing this now – or if anyone in story is supposed to be telling us this, or learning it for themselves – but we are. It feels a bit like how in the “Shelob’s Lair” chapter in TTT after Shelob herself first appears we “zoom out” a bit narratively, as it were, to get an overview of Shelob’s history, true nature, and her relationships with both Sauron and Gollum. This seems to be similar to what Polychron may be doing here. I do, however, have to raise my eyebrow at describing Draëd as Ulbandi’s “lawfully wedded husband,” both because it feels like a rather… mundane way of describing relationships among what are essentially the small-g gods of this world, and because of the way it seems to be implying that Ulbandi’s real sin was being in a relationship with a man who wasn’t her “lawful” husband. Maybe it’s just Polychron’s track record that makes this get me the way it does. Also, I’m still not sure when the murder of Draëd was even supposed to have happened – for Ulbandi to have corrupted Melkor after her husband died it would have had to have been before the Music, but now they already seem to be in Arda when they broke from the Valar? *shrugs* I’m not even sure Polychron knows what he’s on about at this point.

Loremaster’s Headache: 457

The Unfair Sex: 129

They sailed to Middle- earth on a ship, riding storm clouds.

Arueshalae: So that would be an airship, then?

MG: I’ll note that if this is before the fall of the Two Lamps – as it must have been, since after the fall of the Lamps Melkor was never anything but an open opponent of the other Valar – then Arda would’ve had only a single large supercontinent, with the Valar dwelling on Almaren, an island in a large lake at its center. So, no need to “sail” to Middle-earth at all, they’d have already been there, by definition! It was the fall of the Lamps that broke the continents apart.

Loremaster’s Headache: 458

Dwelling for a time in the North in Utumno, there they quarreled, fought, parted, warred and devastated huge tracks of then uninhabitable lands.

Tharkos: *snorts* While I have never had time for marriage myself, I’ve known people whose relationships ended like that. I would recommend seeking professional advice.

She built a terrible ice citadel in the frozen wastes of Forodwaith. Melkor built great armies, creating Orcs by corrupting Elves, then challenging the Valar.

MG: Technically, Melkor ruled Middle-earth for millennia by himself; after they made contact with the early elves at Cuivienen, it was the Valar who challenged him and overthrew him to liberate the elves from his rule. Not giving any points, because this is really a quibble over wording, just wanted to get the order of events straight here.

He was defeated and they took him back to Valinor, condemning him in the Ring of Doom at Máhanaxar. Beheading and dismembering him, they imprisoned the pieces in a lightless dungeon at the bottom of the Void.

MG: This, on the other hand… no. No they didn’t. He was imprisoned in the Halls of Mandos for three millennia, very much alive, and was eventually allowed to sue for pardon and, feigning contrition, was essentially released on parole. Parole he happily abused to spread strife among the Eldar, culminating in the Darkening of Valinor and theft of the Silmarils, after which he returned to Middle-earth, became Morgoth, ruled again for a bit over six hundred years, was eventually overthrown in the War of Wrath, and only then exiled from Arda into the Void. That’s all a gross oversimplification, of course, but again – order of events!

Feel My Edge: 114 (why is Polychron so fascinated with the idea that Melkor was dismembered, anyway?)

Loremaster’s Headache: 460

Fearing to share his fate, Ulbandi fled through a frozen ice cave. Its tunnels went down, deep into the ground. She discovered the cavern halls and cavities below the first crust of Under- earth. Here she was free from her fear of censure by the Valar. Unfettered, she bred new races of Men, bringing out their most vile and vicious characteristics. These were not misshapen, slow or dullards. They were faster, stronger, more agile and more cunning. Larger than surface dwellers, they were finer warriors, more hateful, destructive and murderous, more beautiful and more vicious: the White Were-men of Ulbandi’s clans known as the Kôr.

Tharkos: Hmph. But not intelligent enough to armor themselves fully, based on their description in the previous chapter. A proper soldier knows to armor their head first, then their torso, then everything else – these “Kor” have apparently done none of this. I would match the heavy infantry of Ragesia against them at any time, and I promise you we would emerge victorious.

MG: It also can’t help but feel like Polychron is trying to stress how much “better” the Kor are compared to Melkor’s corrupted slaves, the orcs. Which on the one hand just feels like Polychron just missed the recurring theme in Tolkien of evil being ultimately self-destructive and those who serve it becoming diminished… and also like Polychron is just trying to one-up Tolkien again.

Bigger, Louder, More!: 91

Take That, Tolkien!: 53

To her they were less than Children and more than toys: obsessions with which she amused herself.

Arueshalae: *delicately* I think the word you’re looking for is “slaves…”

Inspired to torture them, she created barbaric instruments of pain: the screw, the first cutting edge and the first blade.

MG: …because clearly, when Melkor tortured his elven captives as part of the process of creating orcs, he didn’t have any “barbaric instruments of pain” and was mostly just restricted to hitting them with rocks. Very disappointing. And, as “the first blade” hadn’t been invented yet, he sent them out to battle armed only with their bare hands. How underwhelming.

She made Women bleed and inflated their breasts.

Arueshalae: *looking down at herself in confusion* I don’t “bleed” the way Polychron seems to mean it – I may look fairly humanlike on the outside, but my biology is not the same! I’m not even a mammal, strictly speaking! – but I’m fairly certain I’ve always had breasts (well, probably not when I was a larva, but… you get the idea) and I’ve seen artistic and anecdotal evidence they existed long before I was created… and I don’t think Ulbandi had anything to do with that! Or is Polychron implying that Ulbandi only did this to the Kor, in which case… women in Middle-earth seem to have breasts and (presumably) menstruate! I don’t think they’re all Kor… are they?

MG: No, but apparently female sexual characteristics come from eeeeevil, and with that being the level of discourse we’re working with, I can’t imagine much thought was put into it (and look, as someone who’s still coming to terms with what I now see as lifelong dysphoria and gender envy… screw you, Polychron).

Feel My Edge: 115

The Unfair Sex: 131

Unlike any other of Ilúvatar’s creations, this made them endlessly targeted by Men’s lusts, which she greatly amplified,

Arueshalae: …speaking as a mostly-reformed succubus, if Polychron thinks that only the Kor of all living things are affected by lust in such a manner… I have stories I could tell for a very, very long time.

MG: And while Tolkien is not an author who dealt in explicit sexual scenes or explicit sexual violence… we definitely have plenty of examples in canon of evil male characters lusting after particular women or people being led tragically astray by doomed love, so… no, Polychron, not buying it.

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 64 (point for Ulbandi’s legions of perpetual horniness, and a point for Ulbandi herself deliberately inflaming said lusts)

The Unfair Sex: 132

until the Were-men hated each other more than any other race. Their endless wars brought themselves to the brink of their own extinction.

Tharkos: *snorts* Behold the work of the great Ulbandi, one of the most feared minds of this or any age… nearly driving her own subjects to extinction for no readily apparent reason. Truly, a genius for all time!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 170

Hating any way a Man could feel superior to a Woman, Ulbandi removed the stays on feminine desire, making these women as wanton as their men.

Arueshalae: Ah, yes, Ulbandi hated women being inferior to men… which is why she, apparently, also made it easier for women to be victimized by men, at least in Polychron’s telling. Desna above, the Abyss makes more sense than this… also, again, speaking as a succubus, predatory lust driving people to abuse others or engage in self-destructive behavior is not a uniquely male trait!

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 65

The Unfair Sex: 134 (one point for Ulbandi the strawwoman hypocritical “feminist,” one point for women apparently “naturally” being less sexual than men in Polychron’s telling…)

In Under-earth she created strange hybrid creatures and parasites, gleefully becoming their Queen. She became the Queen of all Predators and Predation. Unlike Morgoth who could only make lesser copies, Ulbandi was a woman. She mated with living things and produced new perverted, twisted, hybrid Abominations, becoming yet another Queen. There was no end to her ambitions and Lusts.

MG: You know, while Tolkien did eventually seem to decide that Melkor was sterile, per the HoME, that seemed to be more of a reflection of the fact that he had descended into becoming a force of pure chaos and destruction than because he was, you know, a male. Is Polychron aware that men can sire children, or…? Weirdly, this feels exactly like some of the TERF-y, gender-essentialist “feminism” we saw from Bradley or Walker and the obsession with women being the only ones who can create life, just from the opposite direction. And, of course, Melkor’s inability to create independent life had nothing to do with his ability to procreate and was entirely because he lacked the Secret Fire, which was with Iluvatar… details, details.

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 66

The Unfair Sex: 135 (for Ulbandi the literal mother of monsters, and for her engaging in an act of evil literally only possible, in Polychron’s view, because she’s a woman)

Bored, she mated with Death. They bred perverted, twisted hybrid forms of necrosis.

MG: *flatly* Mandos, being the closest thing Arda has to a personification of death, would like you to know that he’s quite happily married to Vaire and has never considered cheating on her with anyone, much less an evil Valie of dubious canonicity.

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 67

Arueshalae: And from what I’ve heard of Pharasma, I somehow doubt Ulbandi is her type, either.

Crossbreeding her own Children with collocoll, she bred milky-white undead vampire Man-bats.

MG: Hey, leave Dr. Kirk Langstrom out of this! Him being caught up in the nonsense that was Batman: Odyssey was bad enough for the poor guy!

Eye-less, they screamed through Night skies on the surface, moments before killing their prey.

Tharkos: Which is, clearly, why we have never heard anything about them before this.

She crossbred Man-spiders, scorpions and a plethora of other horrors; too many to name or even count. She bred so many, she long ago forgot them. Uncounted and unnamed, she became the Queen of Nameless Things and conquered almost all the worlds of Euthyria. A few kingdoms were spared because she tired of the sport. Forodwaith remained her tributary province. They remembered her as the Queen of Ice, the White Queen of Frozen Wastes.

MG: And here I think you can tell Polychron is just getting bored and throwing all of this at us at once in a rush; fun. And also, to reiterate that appears to be our official origin for (at least some of) the Nameless Things in Polychron-verse – Ulbandi literally gave birth to them. How very underwhelming. And also do note the use of “worlds,” plural – stick a pin in that, because we’ll be finding out more next time.

In the early days of Man, her greatest delight had been igniting the icy skies with beautiful dancing lights.

Arueshalae: That doesn’t sound so bad…

Men looked up in wonder. She taught her frozen daughters to call them from their fires. Lowering the hems of their blouses, they showed their pale white skin and promised hot love, just beyond the firelight. Those foolish enough to accept the invitations of the White Women of the North were never seen alive again.

Arueshalae: *flatly* My former sisters do it better. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a blander description of seduction.

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 68 (for the ice succubi, who feel like the owe more to Howard’s “The Frost Giant’s Daughter” than anything from Tolkien)

The Unfair Sex: 136

Sometimes in the morning, they were found dead with ice-bound anguished looks of horror forever frozen on their hideously twisted faces.

MG: In some versions of the Lay of Leithian, Sauron (and/or Morgoth himself) taunts Gorlim, after having used an illusion of his dead wife to manipulate and ensnare him, that it’s “cold with Sauron’s wraiths to wed!” I think Polychron seems to have taken that rather… literally, doesn’t he?

The people of the North knew these deaths were from Ulbandi’s daughters. Icicles of tears hung from the eyes of their victims.

Arueshalae: As opposed to the icicles of something else that hung from a rather lower extremity… I’m sorry, that was crude, but this story does seem to bring that out in me.

They reached all the way to the ground in frozen downward spirals of eternally frozen pain.

Arueshalae: As I’m imagining these men (always men? How boring…) as lying prone on the ground, I don’t think those icicles are reaching very far…

* * * * *

“Akašân šebeth delgûmâ ibri ošošai!” Alatar cried, lifting his staff.

Gale force winds drove Ulbandi, the Kôr and the enemy collocoll soldiers back. A cross wind pushed the nine companions back into the Armory.

MG: Alatar: The Last Airbender

“You would use Valarin gifts – against a Vala?!” Ulbandi called, through the cavern.

Tharkos: As Alatar is a Maia, and therefore of the same kind as the Valar and merely of lesser stature, one would presume he is using his own gifts… though I must admit to being impressed at how effective they seem to be…

Her voice echoed impossibly loud through the caves. It drowned out the fury of the storms. Her hands glowed bright white, as if they were new-born stars, and she pointed them at Alatar.

MG: Which does not jive with how powerfully magic beings in the Legendarium tend to fight, I’ll add – it feels more like something out of Dragon Ball, even (not that this would be a first for the fic…).

Eldarion leaped between them brandishing Ringil.

Titanic bolts of blue-white lightning exploded from her hands and fried the air. Ringil glowed blue-white, drinking the burning light. Eldarion’s arms trembled and strained. His whole body shook with the effort of holding his sword before the onslaught of power. His face stood out in the darkness, illuminated blue-white in pain. Ringil glowed bright, absorbing the sound and heat, electricity and power, which would have cooked and deafened them.

Arueshalae: I will admit, I was not expecting that.

MG: *sighs* And I really do hate the implications of this. It implies that Fingolfin only stood against Morgoth like he did because he had a magical anti-Vala sword, that the power was in the weapon and not, you know, in Fingolfin himself, greatest of the warriors of the Eldar, and that any schmuck (and yes, Eldarion has training and experience, but compared to the likes of Fingolfin, a twenty-odd-year-old princeling is indeed “any schmuck”) could be just as awesome if only they had the sword. It doesn’t sit well with me, it cheapens Fingolfin, and it doesn’t jive with how Tolkien portrays his great heroes or his powerful magical weapons.

“Who are you?!” Ulbandi demanded. She lowered her hands, furious and disbelieving.

“My name is unimportant,” Eldarion answered. He brandished his bright, glowing sword. “It is enough for you to know that I am a Man and he is my friend. If I can save my friend by my strength or skill at arms, even at the cost of my own life, I shall!”

Arueshalae: *sighs heavily* I was not at Kenabres the day Deskari attacked it, but my beloved was, and I heard all about it from her. She told me how the silver dragon Terendalev defied Deskari heroically – and how he in turn killed her with a single blow of his scythe, for even a dragon cannot stand for long against the Lord of the Locust Host. And Eldarion is no Terendalev… though I fear Ulbandi is also no Deskari…

“Fool!” she shouted. Her hands turned black. Deathly necrotic curses, the blackest magic she knew, shot out with ringing force.

Eldarion lifted Helkar, deflecting them with his shield. Hewing and cutting the ones growing around him, they tried to break through his defenses. Such was the power of her spells, he would have failed, despite his enchanted weapons and long-practiced skill at arms.

His eight companions sprang to his aid, hacking the legions of growing, screaming and bleeding necrotic death spells.

Tharkos: I can assure you, magical combat does not work like this.

MG: It doesn’t in Tolkien, either. Come on, Polychron! Give us some Songs of Power! An “I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor” at the very least!

For the first time in Alatar’s hands, Dagmor, Slayer of Darkness, had darkness aplenty on which to feast. Hadhafang rose and fell in the twin’s hands, moving almost faster than eyes could see. Theo nimbly wielded Sting. It glowed blue-white as it sliced, almost as bright as Eldarion’s blade. Laboriously, Fastred’s Barrow-blade cut and cleaved the dark powers it was forged to conquer. Calcarin deftly hewed at the death spells with the Sword of the Bloodstone. It hummed in his hands, joyously drinking even the putrid black blood of Ulbandi’s spell created horrors.

MG: …one, I don’t think that’s how anything works (what sort of magical attack can just be hacked apart by swords, even enchanted ones?) and for another, I’m becoming increasingly convinced that Calcarin’s Sword of the Bloodstone is just Stormbringer in disguise.

Protected from the onslaught, Eldarion added Ringil. It drank the foul polluted blood of the dark creatures. Cleaving and killing them, the last one fell writhing, dying on the floor. But not before Elanor smote one with Eket. It burst open in front of her, splattering her with filth.

Arueshalae: …ew.

Feel My Edge: 116

“You!” Ulbandi yelled, at Eldarion. She strode fearlessly towards him. “Do not be too frightened to say your name! Remove your tiny tail from between your cowering legs and tell me how a Man can stop the most powerful enchantments of a Valier. I Command you!”

MG: “Valier” is plural. “Valie” is the singular for a female Vala. Unless Ulbandi has DID, she is not “a Valier.”

Linguistic Confusions: 53

“This is Ringil,” he answered, lowering his shield and brandishing his glowing sword. It grew brighter, filled with the power of Ulbandi’s own Valarin lightning. “This, its companion Helkar. They were forged in Valinor and wielded by Fingolfin in the Dagor Bragollach. Before the gates of Angband, he almost slew your lover.

MG: Urgh. Again, I hate the idea that Fingolfin’s power lay in his weapons. And also again, he did not “almost slay” Morgoth. He wounded him, which was impressive enough, but he was never close to killing him, because that can’t be done while the world exists.

Cast your most powerful enchantments! My shield will block them and this sword will cleave them.

Arueshalae: In the Abyss, we call this “tempting fate,” and it usually ends badly when challenging a being more powerful than yourself.

My cold glittering steel will do to you what the Valar did to Morgoth: behead you! And I, the Crown Prince Eldarion Telcontar of the United Kingdoms of Arnor and Gondor will cast your lifeless body into the Void!”

MG: Yes, Polychron really likes the idea that the Valar beheaded Morgoth, doesn’t he? And Eldarion, you’re threatening a literal goddess, and you’re very much mortal. Beheading her is going to be far easier said than done, no mater what weapon you’re wielding!

Howling, he strode out of the cave swinging Ringil two handed over his head. The glittering blade shone so bright it was almost blinding, viciously singing as it cut the air.

“Did you not know – you FOOL?!” Ulbandi shouted.

MG: Channeling her inner Saturday morning cartoon villain, as Estel and Glorfindel did before her.

She ran away between the legs of her slovenly twenty-five foot guards. “There are giants in the earth! Gilim! Nan! KILL HIM!!” The giants grinned. Their cracked teeth protruded from their mouths. Their unwashed hair hung in their eyes and fell to their shoulders. Rage slowly filled their grimy faces. They lifted their massive war clubs, as big as battering rams.

Arueshalae: Did we really need to spend so much time on the giants’ lack of personal hygiene?

MG: Also, Ulbandi just literally ran and hid behind her minions, from someone who wouldn’t be much more than a gnat to her, no matter what sword he was carrying. Not an auspicious introduction for our archvillain, is it?

Gilim’s mammoth club descended first. Eldarion swung Ringil two handed and they collided. A colossal discharge of energy shattered the giant’s stone war club and blasted Gilim backwards, knocking him senseless to the ground and the entire cavern trembled.

MG: *growls* This is not a Tolkien fight scene! It’s not how magic in Middle-earth works! It’s not how anything works! Gah.

But the power Eldarion had absorbed with Ringil was spent. Nan lifted his own club.

“Run!” Eldarion shouted. He pushed his companions back into the Armory. At the last moment he leaped through the door, barely ahead of Nan’s massive cudgel. It crashed against the entrance, crushing six feet of stone around the opening and momentarily deafening those within.

The breaking rocks fell in a pile before the entrance.

With their ears ringing, they weren’t able to hear Alatar screaming. His staff glowed and he pointed to the door at the back of the Armory. Eldarion led them, sprinting through the cave.

Ulbandi summoned hordes of collocoll soldiers, scorpions and Were-flies to pursue them.

Tharkos: This has suddenly become perhaps the most drab and uninteresting depiction of being pursued by a being of pure evil and the monstrous hordes she commands I have ever read.

“Run!” Stygobromus shouted. His collocoll cry penetrated even through the ringing in their ears. Stepping into the opening, he screamed torrents of shattering clacks.

They struck the Were-flies, scorpions and collocoll soldiers like devastating blows. The Were-flies scattered. The scorpions stopped, lowering their bodies and tails to the ground. The soldiers fell, covering their ears and howling in agony.

Arueshalae: So… did we know that collocoll can screech blastwaves like that?

MG: No, I don’t believe we did!

Arueshalae: …of course not.

From high above the Armory’s outer wall, a giant hairy werewolf-spider dropped from where it had been stalking them unseen over their heads. She landed squarely on Stygobromus’ chest and crushed his ribs under her bloated stinking body. Driving her claws through his throat, her sting pierced his heart.

MG: I know what a wolf spider is, I know what a werewolf is… but how is a “werewolf spider” any different from the giant spiders we see elsewhere in Middle-earth, other than reflecting Polychron’s apparent fetish for were-things? Also, that was quite a sudden and random end for Stygobromus. He… existed.

“Stygobromus!” Calcarin screamed, running out of the tunnel.

“It’s too late!” Elrohir shouted, following him out. He grabbed Calcarin’s howling form and carried him back into the tunnel.

The giant spider crushed Stygobromus’ head in her jaws and ripped off his head.

Tharkos: Either the spider both crushed and ripped of Stygobromus’s head, or the collocoll have more than one head and Polychron failed to convey that before now…

Scurrying through the Armory, she entered the tunnel followed by the Were-flies, scorpions and terrified collocoll soldiers.

Elrohir sprinted through the tunnel carrying Calcarin’s crying form. Barely halfway through, the giant spider and Were-flies closed on them faster than the fastest Elves could run.

“Hurry!” Eldarion shouted, standing before the exit at the other end of the long tunnel. Alatar could see they weren’t going to make it. The roar of whirlpool winds sucked the Were-flies back and slowed the soldiers, scorpions and giant werewolf-spider to a crawl.

Arueshalae: *chin resting in her hands* I have fought in many battles in my life, and read about many more. In my youth, I was a gladiator of some repute – the last time I was in Alushinyrra, I was surprised to find I still have fans, something I now have deeply mixed feelings about – and then fought alongside my beloved and our companions in the war against the Worldwound. And this may be the least exciting battle scene I have ever encountered.

At the silent command of Elladan, Elrohir leaped through the tunnel door, assisted by another wind from Alatar. The wizard stood beside the opening, his robes glowing brightly and he pressed his staff against the stone above the tunnel.

MG: Alatar had become a Super Saiya… sorry. Wrong story; got my wires crossed for a minute there.

Shouting words of command, he shattered the rock and the roof of the long tunnel collapsed. A deafening roar and a mountain of falling rubble crushed the giant spider and everything else in the tunnel under tons of stone. A terrible rush of air and pulverized stone blew out of the collapsing tunnel and covered them in dust.

When the floors, ceiling and walls stopped shaking and flinging them about, the noise subsided and the dust began to settle. Eldarion and Elladan helped Calcarin and Elrohir stand.

MG: And so for now we have escaped from Ulbandi and her forces… by means of a very large pile of rocks. Not something I would imagine would stop a Vala for long – the Valar at the height of their power literally moved mountains after all – but hey, clearly Demetrious Polychron knows better.

Calcarin couldn’t speak. He shuddered and tears streamed from his nose, running down through the gray granite grime covering the white skin on his face and neck.

MG: Okay, maybe this is bad of me… but I really just can’t get over how undignified it is that the collocoll cry by dripping snot out of their nose. Maybe it’s just because I have seasonal allergies and so I’m very familiar with the feeling, but “overpowering grief at a fallen comrade” is not the impression this is giving me!

“It was very brave,” Elladan told him, coughing and waving away the dust.

“There was nothing you could do,” Elrohir affirmed, breathing through his sleeve.

“Stygobromus saved us,” Eldarion told Calcarin, handing him a handkerchief from his inner breast pocket. “At the cost of his own life.”

Tharkos: And if only I had known… literally anything about the man, I might have been better able to honor his sacrifice!

On the far side of the chamber, Fastred held onto Elanor. She bent over and vomited what little remained in her stomach. Wiping the filth and grime from Ulbandi’s creature off her face and hands, she cleaned her dirty sword with water from her bottle and a scrap of linen.

Arueshalae: At least the trauma is having an actual effect on someone in the party? Now, that it seems like the young woman is the only person affected by the violence in this way is somewhat more questionable…

Through the walls, they heard faint echoes of stone striking stone.

“I fear it was for nothing,” Calcarin told them. Wiping his grey-streaked face and clacking, he pressed his ear against the wall. “Ulbandi has set her army to break the boulders and carve apart the rocks. They are digging through the rubble and coming to kill us.”

Arueshalae: And the great Vala Ulbandi has no power to move the rocks herself, in any capacity? Is she not, effectively, a god? I continue to be underwhelmed by the supposed great evils of this story.

“It doesn’t matter,” Alatar said. He pointed at the enclosed chamber. “It’s a dead end.”

“An unfortunate choice of words,” Theo observed.

“Unfortunate,” Alatar responded. “But accurate.”

Tharkos: If any of you have a better option for how to describe it, then by all means, share it with us!

“We have to find a way out!” Eldarion bemoaned. “I revealed my identity to Ulbandi! I fear she will attack my family, seeking vengeance. We have to warn them!!”

Arueshalae: Not to be unsympathetic, but are your family not already the most famous people in Middle-earth, and known foes of the powers of darkness? Has Eldarion actually placed a target on their backs any greater than that they already possessed?

“Why did you say your name?” Fastred asked.

“I- I got carried away,” he answered. “Wielding Ringil and Helkar for the first time in battle and beating back the most terrible of the Valier – it, it was a bit intoxicating.”

“She tricked you,” Theo said.

“She tricked me,” Eldarion agreed.

“She ensorcelled you,” Alatar revealed. “Using the power of her Voice.”

Arueshalae: No? I don’t believe she did? Is “in a moment of high emotion, Eldarion let slip information he shouldn’t have” really something that’s less complicated than “Ulbandi ensorcelled him into doing that, but not into not attacking her in the first place?”

“It’s my fault,” Elanor said. Using water from her bottle and another scrap of linen, she cleaned, dried and burnished his Ring. Handing him Rómhandë, she accepted Oialëhén. “You would have been able to resist her spell, but I forgot to give you back your Ring.”

MG: Because the Rings of Power are known for helping their bearers resist malign influences… wait, I have nine people on the line who might disagree with that…

“It’s no one’s fault,” Alatar told her.

“But now she’s our enemy,” Theo cried. “The most powerful Vala!”

MG: *muttering angrily* Oh, for Eru’s sake… now Ulbandi isn’t just a Vala, she’s the most powerful of all the Valar!? Seriously, Polychron, this is what we’re going with? If it has to be said, Melkor was originally the most powerful of the Valar. After he squandered most of his power, and was eventually defeated, I think we can safely say that Manwe was the most powerful – or, rather, that Manwe and Varda are the most powerful together, since the “Valaquenta” is explicit that they are at their most powerful when they’re working together. Ulbandi isn’t even a Vala in the source material, during her relatively brief existence there! And, clearly, the most powerful Vala is utterly stymied by one mortal attacking her and a big pile of rocks, and has to hide behind her giants to do fighting for her.

Bigger, Louder, More!: 92

Loremaster’s Headache: 461

“I know!” Eldarion lamented. He fell against the wall. “This is exactly what I did not want to happen! Did I not say, I wished never to fall so far afoul of such a powerful woman?”

“Yep,” Fastred affirmed. “I remember that! We were in Bree. You sure did!

Tharkos: Because clearly, when angering an immensely powerful, malevolent deity, the thing one should be most worried about is that she is a woman.

The Unfair Sex: 137

Elanor shushed him, asking Alatar, “Can’t you crumble the stone and tunnel a way out?”

“I’m exhausted,” the wizard told her. “I sent my power up as high as possible to put as many tons of earth between us as I could!”

“Why did you try so hard?” Theo asked.

Arueshalae: Is the fact that you were literally fighting off an evil goddess and her armies not enough of a reason?

“Ulbandi is the most evil thing that has ever existed in Arda!” Alatar cried.

MG: Melkor? Who’s that?

Bigger, Louder, More!: 93

“Calm yourself, mighty Morinehtar,” Elladan told him. “We are not in Valinor. In Under- earth clothed in flesh, she is much less than the terrible Power you last saw and remember.”

MG: In canon, it’s implied in the Sil – and confirmed in the History of Middle-earth – that Melkor became so weakened as Morgoth because he’d expended his power recklessly in spreading his spirit throughout Arda, leaving relatively little of it left for him to actually be able to do things with (Sauron avoided his master’s mistake by concentrating his power rather than diffusing it, but this also had a drawback – namely, the way it made said concentration, the One Ring, a point of vulnerability for him). Ulbandi I guess is just weaker now because she is, dammit! …for that matter, Melkor eventually lost his ability to exist as pure spirit outside his physical body. Did the same thing happen to Ulbandi? If not, can she just… release her body, seep through the rocks as a spirit, and then assume a new incarnation on the other side? That could be a problem, if so! Though I have to wonder why the Murder Twins are lecturing the wizard on the nature of the Valar, rather than the other way around…

“How long before you’re rested enough to try?” Theo asked.

Alatar took a deep breath. Girding his hips, he stood up straight. “I will try now.”

Tharkos: Speaking from experience, recovering one’s strength after performing taxing magic usually takes longer than this.

He went to other end of the room. Pressing his hand against the wall, he raised his staff.

He closed his eyes and concentrated, speaking the words of command. The blue light of their lamps dimmed. His robes glinted and shimmered.

The wall began to glow and a humming filled the air. They waited.

No one said anything.

Minutes passed.

“Well, my friend?” Eldarion asked.

The wizard dropped his hand and lowered his staff. The glow and hum faded. The light in his robes went out and their lamps brightened. “We’re too far underground. Long before we reached another cave, if there even is another cave in this direction, I’ll have filled this space with dirt and granite dust… and buried us alive.”

MG: Hmm. I actually like this reminder that in Middle-earth, this sort of magic is still bound by some physical laws – remember Gandalf, who would like to remind us that he cannot burn snow – and is not a deus ex machina to get us out of any imaginable problem. On the other hand, it’s not doing anything to make Alatar look any more useful!

“That’s a cheery thought,” Theo said.

“What about Ulbandi’s giants?” Elanor asked. She realized belatedly, most quests failed.

Arueshalae: Which is a very odd way to worry about one’s imminent death, I must admit…

Calcarin pressed his ear against the wall again. He listened, then pulled away. “They are working very hard. I hear echoes of their screams. For all their desperate strength, she is whipping them, flaying their backs in her mad belief it will spur them to work harder. But they are dying, which feeds her fury, and more of them and her guards, the vicious Kôr, die faster.”

Arueshalae: …you know, I think even Baphomet generally avoided falling into this extreme degree of self-sabotaging cruelty (and literally the first thing he did when his own daughter summoned him for aid was to turn on her for not killing us fast enough…). Baphomet! I continue to be underwhelmed by Ulbandi.

Feel My Edge: 117

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 171

“I can’t wait ‘till she gets here,” Theo said, gloomily.

Tharkos: …apologies, boy, but that does not suggest you have quite grasped the severity of this situation!

“If it comes to that,” Eldarion warned. “It will be better for Alatar to give us the mercy of a swift burial, than surrender to the tortures Ulbandi doubtless plans.”

Arueshalae: Far be it from me to judge, but could you at least consider trying to go out fighting and maybe taking some of Ulbandi’s minions with you?

Feel My Edge: 118

“We do not need to worry about either of those,” Calcarin said. He sniffed the subtle warming currents. “The air will soon go bad. We will suffocate long before they reach us.”

Everyone looked around at everyone else and Calcarin clacked.

“Are we going to… die?” Elanor asked. For a moment, she regretted not having listened to her father and given him the Ring. Yet that would have meant he’d be here in her place, which was just as unacceptable.

Tharkos: Though I cannot set aside the fact that apparently her first instinct was to wish her father was here to die in her place. That seems worth noting.

She didn’t know what to do.

“Normally I’d say where there’s life, there’s hope and our concern should be finding a way to escape,” Alatar said. “But I fear this time… we may not find a way to escape.”

Arueshalae: At the risk of sounding insensitive, considering that there are, in fact, several chapters of this story remaining, I somehow doubt that.

They stood still in the light of their Fëanorian Lamps. Long minutes passed.

First Fastred, then Elanor and then Theo sat down amidst the rubble.

MG: Apparently the precise order of who gives in to despair first was very important!

“This has been an incredible adventure,” Eldarion said. Sheathing Ringil, he sat beside them. “If this is our end, I am proud to have fought beside each and every one of you.”

“There must be something we can do,” Elanor said. She felt torn between terror and despair. Theo and Fastred huddled against her and each took hold of one of her hands.

The twins sat, one on each side of Eldarion. Silent, they threw their hoods over their heads. Calcarin clacked and sat between the Elves and hobbits. Alatar sat down last. Leaning back, he set his staff across his chest, closed his eyes and his breathing slowed.

Tharkos: Is Alatar perhaps entering a meditative trance, of the sort some of Sonam’s people supposedly practice in that monastery he’s from?

For a much longer time, no one spoke.

The sounds of their breathing filled the space and their minds began to wander. Slowly, the air grew warmer.

“Wait,” Eldarion said. He sat up. “Fastred has the Turin-stone!”

Arueshalae: *smacking her forehead* But of course! And clearly, the Turin-stone is going to manifest some heretofore-unknown power to get them all out of this – why didn’t I think of that?

“Which means your family can’t find us in their palantíri,” Theo told him. “Even if they happened to have been looking for us.”

“It means,” Alatar said, using his staff to wearily climb to his feet, “Fastred can summon Mytikas and the Dodecs.”

Tharkos: And unless they arrive instantly and can fight their way through Ulbandi’s forces, I’m not sure how much help they can be expected to be?

Everyone rose and stared at Fastred.

“What good will that do?” Fastred asked. He rose last and stood beside them.

“It will give us something to do, other than imagining slow torments at the hand of Ulbandi’s giants,” Alatar answered. He leaned wearily on his staff, but was even more irritated with Fastred, a young hobbit, at this moment, a victim of his own fear and uncertainty.

Arueshalae: I suppose that’s better than nothing? But only by a very, very small step. And Alatar seems to be having a decidedly judgmental response to Fastred’s perfectly reasonable question.

Fastred withdrew his locket. Opening it, he looked at the Turin-stone. “I don’t know how. None of us thought to ask Mytikas to show me.”

“All we have left is a little time,” the wizard said. “We lose nothing by trying.”

MG: Which somehow just puts me in mind of Peter trying to figure out how to shoot webs in the first Sam Raimi Spider-man movie. “Up, up and away web! Fly!”

Fastred pursed his lips and nodded. Withdrawing the Stone, he held onto it with his fingertips. He closed his eyes and concentrated.

Nothing happened.

After a minute, he opened one eye and looked at Alatar. “Should I, maybe, say something?”

MG: And now I’m just picturing the attempt to release Calypso from her human form in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. “Be there some manner of rite or incantation?” Of course, considering Calypso’s first act after being freed was to try and destroy both sides, one can only hope Mytikas will be more helpful!

“Why not?” Theo asked. He looked around at their companions. “It can’t hurt. Right?”

“Correct,” Alatar responded, cautiously. “I can’t imagine any way in which it could.”

“Is there a spell of some sort that might help?” Eldarion asked.

“None I can think of,” Alatar responded.

Arueshalae: So, is Fastred just to go through every possible password he can think of, then? This could take a while!

“Fastred, do precisely as Mytikas said. Call his name through the Stone.”

“I guess feeling foolish doesn’t amount to much,” Fastred told them. “Caught between a rock and a hard place.”

“So to speak,” Eldarion noted.

MG: Eh, The Hobbit literally had a chapter titled “Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire.” Once again, Tolkien did it better.

“Fastred?” Alatar intoned, losing patience and catching the hobbit’s eye. “Just – say – ‘Mytikas’!”

“Mytikas,” Fastred said, uncertainly. Then he felt foolish, having delayed so long, now that he was actually trying. He closed his eyes, tilted his head back and opened his arms. “Oh mighty Mytikas! Come to me. Heed my call! Mytikas, come to me. It is I, Fastred, son of Folcred, of Greenholm in the Shire. Honorary member of the Counselors of the North – ”

“Who told you that?” Theo asked.

Tharkos: Lying to inflate one’s own reputation is crass; kindly refrain.

“Companion of Alatar, the Dark Blue Wizard of Aman – ”

“It’s just ‘Blue,’” Alatar told him.

“Elladan and Elrohir, twins and Elfs from the – ”

“We’re Elves!” the twins admonished.

MG: I’m still not sure how “Elfs” is even pronounced so it’s audibly different from “Elves” – and even if it is, it makes some sense from Manus because he’s not a native Westron speaker (one presumes) but why would Fastred of all people mess it up?

“Elanor of the Shire, the High Queen Arwen’s Maid, and a friend to – ”

“I’m a Handmaiden,” Elanor corrected.

Arueshalae: *winces* I’m beginning to see what sort of “joke” Polychron has in mind for this (and is an incredibly tense scene of danger really the time for light humor?) and I’m afraid we’re going to be here for a while…

“Théoden, son of Meriadoc, the Master of Brandybuck and Counselor of the North –”

“Buckland,” Theo told him. “Deputy Counselor! Fastred, why are you – ”

MG: Why are you rattling off ridiculously pompous titles and messing up things you ought to know (seriously, the Master of Buckland is one of the three most important positions in the Shire, I think hobbits know what that is!), you mean? For “comedic” effect, of course!

“Calcarin, translator from Feroo-, Ferum-, Feraneck – Calcarin, where are you from?”

Calcarin clacked inscrutably and grimaced, making his displeasure clear.

Tharkos: But clearly considered actually answering the question to be beneath him.

“Prince Eldarion of Gondor – ”

“Crown Prince,” Eldarion said. “Your future King and – why am I last?”

Arueshalae: *conversationally* You know, when Eldarion starts correcting people, it suddenly comes across as incredibly pompous and entitled… which is, sadly, completely consistent with his established characterization.

“Mytikas, come to me! I am a member of the Fellowship of the King – ”

“That – ” Eldarion scolded, “is supposed to be a secret!”

Tharkos: While I value operational security as much as the next soldier, I have to wonder exactly who the stone man from under the earth with no contacts on the surface world is at risk of telling – or why, exactly, the “Fellowship of the King” is a secret in the first place! *beat* Or, for that matter, what the “Fellowship of the King” exactly is.

“Come at my call, Mytikas! For I am the Master of the Turin Stone – ”

“You’re laying it on thick,” Alatar warned.

MG: You’re also starting to sound like Frodo did when he was falling under the control of the Ring at Orodruin, so… maybe that is something to be more worried about?

“Mytikas! I command you to appear before the Company of the Ring– ”

“STOP!!” the twins shouted.

Fastred stopped. Opening his eyes, he looked at everyone’s sever expressions, exceedingly annoyed at his very poor choice of words. He lowered the Turin-stone and wondered if anyone was thinking of walloping him. Their expressions were so… angry.

MG: *sighs heavily, rubbing their forehead* Okay, I get what Polychron was going for here, with Fastred not knowing what he has to do to summon Mytikas and comically overdoing it, but I think it has two big problems. First off, Fastred goes on for way, way too long, over everyone’s objections and getting something wrong every time he opens his mouth, and it very quickly stops being comedic and starts becoming tedious. Second, and worse, is that this is completely the wrong moment for this sort of thing. They’re trapped underground, about to suffocate, and the minions of Ulbandi, the biggest villain in the fic, are breaking down the door to get to them. This is a very, very serious moment, and throwing in broad comedy like this completely spoils the mood and further undermines the threat of Ulbandi. Compare against the Mordor scenes in RotK – those are extremely serious, and Ulbandi ought to be worse than Sauron, but this sort of thing just undercuts her power and menace.

“Look!” Elanor shouted, pointing at the wall beside Fastred. A glowing red line appeared. Slowly, it grew longer and brighter. Two more emerged on each side. They were crossed by three more. A white seam ran down the center of the first line, growing longer and wider. Three more red lines turned white, then six, then twelve, forming hexagonal patterns. Steps began falling out of the wall, creating a growing open space. It revealed the cascading array of Escher-like staircases opening into an impossibly intricate stonescape full of moving, descending, rising, twisting and turning staircases. They continuously appeared and disappeared in every conceivable direction and orientation.

MG: *groans* Oh, right. The stone-men traveled though… this… inexplicable thing, and I still have no idea what this is supposed to be or how it works, or how anyone in Middle-earth knows who Escher is to make the comparison. It’s not quite a deus-ex-machina because Mytikas has been set up before, but this still can’t help but feel very… random.

Loremaster’s Headache: 462

Down the closest strode Mytikas. He was carried by the purposeful and powerful motions of his massive lumbering stone feet, that were still graceful. Mytikas thumped down the hexagonal steps to the floor and the chamber shook. His pounding footfalls echoed. Walking past them to the back of the large room, he was followed by one, then two, then four Dodecahedrons.

A much larger Stone-man, the largest Alatar had ever seen,

Arueshalae: Because he’s seen… so many of them before?

walked down the hexagonal stairs. His massive feet thudded like the heaviest hammer strikes. Each footfall shook the room. When he thumped onto the floor, this Stone-man’s giant head reached the top of the chamber. The worn, many-eyed black surfaces of his great stone body were pitted, weathered and uneven.

“I am Genesis, Tor Mons,” the Stone-man said. “The Protolith. The Father of Stones, Apex of Rocks and Peak of Petradons. I am the High King of the Mountains.”

MG: From within the tomb of Thorin Oakenshield, deep within Erebor, there suddenly came a muffled shouting that sounded suspiciously like it was saying “like Hell he is!”

“Welcome, Revered and Risen Genesis,” Alatar said, bowing low. “Many and great are the tales of Genesis the Protolith, Apex of Mons.

MG: But we’ll not be hearing what any of those tales are, because clearly we needed that hilarious bit of Fastred pompously mangling everyone’s names and titles instead.

Your deeds are praised even in Valinor. I long hoped to meet the Father of Stones. It’s an honor to greet you here, in the heart of your strength.”

“Welcome to Euthyria,” Genesis said. “Rare indeed are the servants of the Valar willing to tread the pedons, tunnels and cavities of the Gaiaspheres. Especially one so burdened with toil, as Alatar the Blue of the Istari. Long have I observed your tutelage in the Gardens of Aman.”

Arueshalae: So… would that be tutelage Alatar was giving, or that he was receiving? If the latter, I’m not really sure how much of it took – and if the former, I’m not sure I’d want to learn what he has to teach!

“Thank you,” Alatar responded. “I wish we came under more favorable circumstances, your Majesty. Unfortunately, we’ve run afoul of the Mad Vala Ulbandi.”

Tharkos: You could at least try to make being accosted by an evil got sound more serious!

Genesis smiled. “It expands the crystals of my biotite

Arueshalae: …I think they make potions that help with that?

to think the Metamorphs of Archany have found allies in our war against Ulbandi. She is the greatest threat our Earths have ever faced. If we do not stop her, she will extinguish every fire and shatter every rock. Nothing will remain but frozen dust scattering endlessly through ice and aether.”

MG: Unless you charge at her with a magic sword and then drop some rocks in her way, in which case she’ll cower behind her giants and have them to the dirty work instead.

Bigger, Louder, More!: 94

“How can we help?” Eldarion asked.

“You breaking into her Armory has prompted Ulbandi to return to the surface,” Genesis answered.

MG: Well, that was fast! And convenient! It’s been what, five minutes, and not only has Ulbandi completely changed her policies and plans, somehow Genesis is aware of it? The hells?

“She goes to recruit more goblins, orcs and trolls. Long ago, she tortured and murdered those she had brought for her amusement many Ages ago. But first she goes to recruit Men, Dark Elves and Dwarves. We must prevent her from succeeding. Metamorphs are mighty, but our armies are not endless. We can be overwhelmed by sheer numbers, like ants chipping away at boulders. This is Ulbandi’s plan.”

MG: Not that we’re given any context for how she plans to do this, or why she hadn’t done so already if it was that easy…

“What can we do?” Alatar asked.

“She has accepted the invitation of the King of Gondolin. Before your arrival, she had spurned him,” Genesis answered. “Now she goes to Glorfindell to meet with him and recruit the kings and queens attending his war council. If we take you there, you must stop her.”

Arueshalae: I have to echo our host’s confusion. How do you know all this? And how and why has Ulbandi changed her mind so quickly? This just feels like an incredibly contrived way to have all the villains gather together for what I presume to be the story’s climax! Not to mention, why would Glorfindel invite someone so much greater than himself in strength to his war council? The logical outcome, if Ulbandi were to attend at all, is that she would easily displace him as the leader of this… alliance? Is it an alliance yet? I just don’t think Polychron has put much thought into this…

“Will you come with us?” Theo asked. “You look much stronger than we little hobbits.”

Tharkos: Which is, admittedly, a very low bar to clear, considering halflings are known neither for size nor strength…

“Stone-men are the oldest living things,” Genesis responded. “The first primordial beings. We are not the Children of Ilúvatar, created with the help of the Ainur, like Elves and Men, nor even Dwarves.

MG: *groans and rubs their forehead* The Children of Iluvatar were not created with the help of the Ainur. They were the product of the Third Theme of the Ainulindalie, which came from Eru alone. This is why the Ainur are so fascinated by Elves and Men – because they had no part in their making! And honestly, if anyone are “the first primordial beings,” it’s the Ainur themselves, who per the Sil were the first beings that Eru created and were the offspring of his thought. But then I guess we couldn’t have the Stone-men being super special and powerful, so of course, it must be ignored!

Bigger, Louder, More! 95

Loremaster’s Headache: 463

Take That, Tolkien!: 54

The Stone-men of Zirakzigal are a race Ilúvatar created Himself for Ilúvatar. He has had many thoughts and sang many creations. We are the Children of His earliest Song. It is a deep primordial melody. But we are outside the specificity of his Middle-earth creation. Like many other creations of the Valar and Ainur,

Arueshalae: Which you just said you weren’t…

we cannot come to the surface of Middle-earth. The strange air and water will wear Metamorphs down, like sand in a storm. Just once, during the War of Wrath, did Manwë suspend the enchantments binding us below. We rose up and joined the war against Melkor. So great was the strength of the Stone-men beneath the Banners of Eönwë, our passing Hosts shook Middle-earth and put terror in the hearts of our enemies. Eärendil would have failed without our strength.”

MG: Because who needs all the hosts of Valinor – clearly, it was the Stone-men who did all the work! Why didn’t I think of that?

Bigger, Louder, More!: 96

“Is there anything we can do for the Stone-men, or for Genesis, the Father of Stones?” Elladan asked.

“If you distract Ulbandi,” Genesis answered, “it will help us retake the Stoneries of Asthenḗs from Inaequalis the Xenolith, and his army of Igneous and Sediments.”

“Where are the Stoneries?” Fastred asked.

Tharkos: More to the point, it sounds rather like Genesis intends you as bait…

“Deep in the Earth,” Genesis answered. “When two Stones fall in love, they court a very long time. When the time comes for their union to produce Baby-stones, they dive through the levels of Gaiaspheria to the Asthenosphere. There they meld and merge in hotspots, sometimes longer than the Age of Man. When Stones emerge from Asthenḗs with Baby-stones, we teach them the Steps of Stone: the ordering of the Gaiaspheres. The responsibilities of Stone-men are many times more vast than the realms of Middle-earth and Under-earth combined.

Arueshalae: I am beginning to think that talking themselves up is one of the most notable qualities of the Stone-men…

We order the elements, keep the lands and seas apart, manage the fires deep within and the migrations of rocks throughout the Stone Creation Cycle. Most importantly, we stop Ulbandi’s Nameless Things from coming to the surface.

Arueshalae: The Nameless Things that seemed to be killing each other just fine without your interference? I’m not entirely sure how seriously I can take your boasting… especially considering that you seem to be claiming responsibility for almost all natural phenomena, which I have a hard time crediting!

Our responsibilities require constant vigilance and prodigious effort to keep the changing conditions of Chaos ordered.”

MG: No, no, no, the Chaos Gods are from a completely different franchise – keep it straight, Polychron! /s Although, certain aspects of this fic would make more sense if they bore the influence of Slaanesh… in fact, that seems true of quite a lot of badfic, as was discussed extensively of PKH as well…

“Thank you for protecting us,” Elanor said. “What can we do to help?”

“Inaequalis has also gone to the surface to meet Glorfindel,” Genesis answered. “Igneous and Sediments can, thanks to the spells of Ulbandi. If you force Inaequalis to summon enough of his Igneous troops from Asthenḗs, we can retake the Stoneries and free the Asthenosphere.”

Arueshalae: And of course then the “Igneous troops” will be your problem, but clearly, Genesis cares not for this, either!

“I am certain we can find a way to accomplish this,” Eldarion said, thoughtfully.

MG: And now we have yet another sidequest to deal with. Lovely. Get on with it, Polychron! *beat* Also, I suppose Ulbandi and her giants are just standing around outside waiting politely while we have this pleasant little discussion about ways and means?

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 172

“Who are you?” Genesis asked.

Tharkos: *groans* Don’t encourage the boy! He’s already proven he needs little excuse!

He bowed low. “I am the Crown Prince Eldarion, son of the High King Elessar, of the United Kingdoms of Arnor and Gondor.”

“Every night beneath the ground is a good one!” Genesis announced, happily.

Arueshalae: I have no idea why that’s relevant, but I’m certainly glad he’s happy about it!

He noted their armaments and turned to Alatar. “You have found worthy companions on the surface.”

“Thank you, your Majesty,” Alatar said. “Not only are the Men of Gondor and Arnor faithful allies, Prince Eldarion and our fellow companions have become true friends.”

Tharkos: All well and good, but wasn’t there an imminent peril you needed to be rescued from?

“After you have stopped Ulbandi, Prince,” Genesis told Eldarion. “Return to the caverns of Under-earth with your father. Have Fastred summon us and we will hold a council.”

“Are there representatives of the Sediments or Igneous who oppose Inaequalis and would come?” Eldarion asked.

“Metamorphs and Sediments change and grow, but the ways of Igneous are set in stone,” Genesis answered. “When Metamorphs order the world, we make room for all Stones. We respect all of Ilúvatar’s creations. But Igneous are selfish, caring only for other Igneous.”

Arueshalae: That makes it sound rather like you’ve already made up your mind about “making room” for the Igneous, doesn’t it? Perhaps they aren’t the only ones who care only for their own kind… as for me, I think that the cosmos is more varied than you have imagined, and that no race of intelligent beings is truly all one way. Even angels can fall… and even demons can rise.

“Wouldn’t their selfishness destroy the world?” Fastred asked.

Tharkos: That seems like a very extreme conclusion to jump to.

“Yes, Fastred,” Mytikas answered. “If they succeed, only one thing will exist: the creation of ever more Igneous-stones. They will absorb all other elements into their Stone- bodies, transforming all Stone-men and every other living thing into Igneous-stones, alone.”

MG: Weirdly, that just puts me in mind of Gandalf’s comment in TT to Treebeard noting that if Treebeard had fallen like Saruman had, he might have tried to cover all the world in trees, choking out all other life. Not sure if the comparison here is intentional or not, but it still feels very random to suddenly have all of this lore on the Stone-men and their totally important conflicts being dropped on us now. Time and place, people!

Expansion-Pack World: 45

“What about the Sediments?” Theo asked. “Won’t they try and stop them?”

“Sediments do not help in our war against the Igneous,” Genesis answered. “Some of them oppose us. They refuse to accept how much work we do to maintain the world. Perhaps they do not care. If it takes work to run the world, the world can fall apart. At least Igneous, though abhorrent, have principles, behind which they stand like rocks. Not those smirtsfelsdt Sediments. They would allow the world to crumble and all to perish before they lift a stone.”

Arueshalae: And how lovely to see how readily you tar entire species of beings with a single brush!
“Sediments don’t concern themselves with ordering anything,” Mytikas told them. “Not even themselves. They’re lazy bums! Like Avari Elves. Sediments ‘go with the flow.’ If things fall into place, they rejoice. If not, ‘Oh well. It wasn’t meant to be.’”

MG: Well, clearly Mytikas learned his, er, rock-racism from somewhere, and I think we know where! Also, the most important thing about the Avari is that they actively refused the invitation of the Valar to come live in Aman, which certainly doesn’t feel like “going with the flow” to me…

“‘Meant to be,’” Genesis snorted. “Keeping the world rolling requires monumental effort. Sediments are insane.”

Tharkos: *growling* Yes, we get the point about which races of rock-people the author considers to be superior, can we please get on with it!?

“But not so insane as to refuse the protection of the Metamorphs,” Mytikas added. “Only three Sediments in the history of Archany have risen above their station and taken an active part against the Igneous. Most Sediments destroy, sometimes Igneous, sometimes Metamorphs, mostly each other. Now their numbers are small.”

“Our most sacred duty and privilege is to treasure Baby-stones, while keeping the world rolling,” Genesis said.

MG: Now I’m just imagining the Stone-men floating in space, literally rolling the planet along on its orbit; weird. I wonder what they did back when Arda was flat; just sat around waiting for it to maybe, hopefully turn round one day just in case they were needed to start rolling it?

Opening his heart-stone, he pulled out a little six-inch rock and tapped it twice. It unfolded in his hand and a baby-stone stood on her baby-stone feet. “This is Petralith, my granddaughter, the daughter of Mytikas and Larissa. She bore her while he was imprisoned in Aman Sûl. You have returned her father to Archany and she wishes to thank you.”

Arueshalae: My knowledge of mortal reproduction remains limited – succubi in general care little for the results of such activities – and my knowledge of the stone-men even less, but tell me… is it normal to carry one’s grandchildren around to dangerous places in cavities in one’s chest?

Tharkos: *nonplussed* No.

Petra raised her little stone arm and waved, including all three finger.

“Aw, you’re welcome Petra,” Fastred said. He turned to Mytikas. “She’s so cute!”

Tharkos: *flatly* Adorable, now must I remind everyone if the clear and present danger you are all in?! Is that not a bigger concern right now!?

Mytikas motioned Fastred over. Pulling him around with his back to the others, he hid the hobbit and they shared a whispered conversation.

Genesis turned to Elanor. “You are the Handmaid to the High Queen Arwen, yet you seem as if Ilmarë were reborn. She herself was a Handmaid of Varda, the High Queen of Heaven, wife of Manwë. Metamorphs fought beneath her banner among the Valarindi.”

MG: Considering Ilmare is a Maia and, presumably, still around, one can only assume she is very confused about being referred to in the past tense… and of course, one of our heroes merits comparison to one of the most lofty of the Maiar. What next, is Eldarion – or Fastred – going to be compared to Eonwe? One of the twins to Osse?

Mytikas lumbered back around and faced them. “Our hosts were so large, the mountains rang beneath the pounding of our great stone feet. Ilmarë and Eönwë were our chiefs, therefore,” he pushed Fastred forward.

Arueshalae: They were your chiefs because your footsteps were loud? Is that what I’m meant to takeaway here?

Fastred held in his hands a dazzlingly white gem. It was set within a wide delicately- banded mithril filigree. Walking to Elanor, he kneeled and bowed his head. “Fair Lady Elanor, Handmaid to the High Queen Arwen, I’m not worthy to present this gift – ”

Tharkos: Why are we doing this now!? Escape from Ulbandi now, and then give each other presents later!

“Fastred…” Mytikas said.

Fastred looked back. Mytikas raised his great stone shoulders and large stone arms.

Suddenly, he understood. With what had been uncharacteristic before, Fastred suddenly took heart. Straightening his shoulders and lifting his eyes, he allowed himself to feel the dignity and pride for the choices he’d made, the valor he’d displayed and the duties he now performed. “I’ve accepted the responsibilities of the Servant of the Servants of the Valar. On behalf of them, and me, please accept this gift for all you’ve done and have still to do.”

MG: “Servant of the Servants of the Valar?” Has… has Fastred just ascended to the Papacy, or its Middle-earth equivalent, while no one was looking? Tolkien must be rolling…

Mytikas smiled. He looked to Genesis, who nodded in approval.

Eldarion caught Elanor’s eye and looked down. Caught off guard, she curtsied low, bowed her head and closed her eyes. Mytikas motioned Fastred to go around behind her. He set the mithril filigree over her head, smoothed her beautiful, long blond hair and put the bright, white star-like gem in the center of her brow. Glowing brightly in the light of their Fëanorian Lamps, its multicolored, multifaceted crystals dazzled their eyes. He lifted her to her feet.

Arueshale: Oh, but of course! The good Tharkos failed to anticipate one vitally important thing – the escape from Ulbandi must be put on hold so that everyone can receive more stuff! For that is, of course, the most important thing!

“We will take you to the mouth of a cave under the city of Glorfindell, just below the surface,” Genesis told them. “But we must hurry! Ulbandi has slain her giants and summoned Inaequalis’ Igneous troops. We are too few – and they are coming.”

Tharkos: Perhaps if you had escaped first and yammered later, this could have been avoided!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 173

Genesis opened his great arms to Mytikas and the Dodecahedrons. They raised their shoulders and lifted their chests. A white line divided the center of their bodies. Then two more lines, then six, then twelve; their bodies opened like the surface of the wall had. Six-sided stones of decreasing heights fell from their chests, one after another. They formed descending, six-sided steps. The last fell even with the floor. A great hollow chamber loomed inside each of them.

Arueshalae: *sighs, rubs her forehead* I just… I have no response anymore. I suppose if living in the Abyss taught me anything, it was that sometimes its easiest to just roll with the chaos.

Genesis motioned to Alatar and his companions to ascend the steps and enter the Dodecs.

“Is it safe?” Elanor asked.

Behind them, the shattered rubble blocking the tunnel began to glow. The walls turned red radiating waves of heat and the room grew hot.

Tharkos: See my point!?
“The Igneous and Ulbandi’s troops are coming!” Alatar shouted. “Into the Dodecs!” They climbed the hexagonal steps. Fastred rode in the place of honor inside Mytikas.

MG: …why am I suddenly reminded of that one Star Wars/Transformers crossover by the notorious ComicsNix, master of poorly written, anatomically improbable and body-horror-tastic smut? The one where at one point Artoo-Detoo gets inserted up Optimus’s ass, only to discover that said ass is apparently the happiest, most wonderful place in the universe, lined with smiling photos of everyone else Optimus has ever stuffed in there? *beat* Yeah, my mind goes strange places sometimes.

Genesis enclosed Petra within his crystal biotite heart-chamber.

“Farewell,” Genesis said. “If the fate-stones are kind, we will meet again.”

MG: So… last chapter (may have) turned Mandos into a woman, and then he may have cheated on his wife with Ulbandi, and now he’s been turned into seemingly multiple rocks? Poor guy’s been having a wild ride of things lately, hasn’t he?

The six-sided stones rose and the bodies of the Stone-men closed about them. For a moment Elanor feared she would be crushed. Yet almost as if their stone bodies could feel, when the slabs pressed firmly against her skin, they stopped, holding her tight and sealing her in safely.

She felt her Stone-man moving, climbing and rising. Then he was tumbling, sliding, falling and bouncing. She felt the motions and heard the noises dimly through the insulating rock. Yet she was held so snugly, she couldn’t feel the smashing or crashing.

Tharkos: I served for decades under the banner of the greatest conqueror my world has ever known. After his death and the throne of the empire was stolen by the madwoman who likely ordered his death, I found myself allying with those I would have once scorned as rebels and traitors to seek justice. I have walked through a forest that burned eternally, fought living nightmares, and fenced verbally with devils, and crossed half a continent and back. And this may be one of the strangest things I’ve ever encountered.

Howls and cries of pain from Nameless Things penetrated through to her. The thuds and thumps of blows, sounds of battle and smashing stones against crushing bones resounded. Her terror grew. Her fear that the Igneous, Ulbandi and her Nameless Things had found them gave way to panic. It was made so much worse by not knowing what was happening outside.

Then they were falling again, sliding, gliding, floating, climbing, plodding and running. Elanor lost track of time in the darkness and mostly muffled silence. After a long while, she fell into a much needed and bone weary sleep.

Arueshalae: And, after that tedious and overlong encounter, I find I cannot blame her one bit.

* * * * *

She woke with a start, unsure how long she’d slept. It was cooler. Yet her body was covered in sweat. She could taste the air inside her host becoming foul. She began to sweat again, though not from the heat. She feared the Stone-men had no way of knowing when their tiny and frail human passengers were running out of air. This new fear gripped her.

Suddenly the Dodec’s body opened, just as before. Fresh air and dim light rushed into the Stone-man’s body. Between her and the ground, his chest became a series of descending six- sided steps. They slid out and formed a staircase ending even with the floor.

MG: …I have no response to that, other than to boggle at how silly that mental image of the stone men sprouting perfectly-proportioned stairs is. Do the “dodecs” come with room service, too? I mean, Elanor’s actual ride sounded uncomfortable, but maybe she just hadn’t figured out how to ask nicely yet…

Alatar stood in front of her. Holding out his hand, his staff glowed.

She took his hand and walked cautiously down the hexagonal steps. Turning, she curtsied. “Thank you for saving us and carrying me safely through the Escherscape of Archany.”

Arueshalae: Any explanation for what that is will be skipped over!

Stiffly, the Stone-man bowed. “You are welcome, Lady Elanor Elestirnë.” “Huh?” she asked. “What does that mean?”

“Lady of the Star-brow,” the Stone-man answered. He pointed at the glowing white gem on her forehead. “Like Ilmarë, your brow now shines with the light of stars.”

MG: “Elestirnë” was a nickname of Erendis, on account of her also wearing a similar gem given to her by Aldarion. Which just makes me wonder, yet again, what it is about that particular story Polychron is so damned fascinated by.

She blushed and curtsied again. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Lady,” the Stone-man said. He opened his three big stone fingers and presented her three small (to him) grey stones. “Please accept these gifts from me, Lord Raldorus of the Cementation of the Dodecahedrons. I am a companion to Prince Mytikas. These are mementos of Under-earth and your ride within the living Stone-men of Zirakzigal.”

“Thank you,” she said, picking them up. They filled her small hand. One was round with a shallow hole in the center. The second was thin and round, like a stone-stick. It fit in the stone hole. The third was an oval hollow. Looking closer, she saw it had an opening: it wasn’t a stone. It was the petrified shell of a small crustacean. It had lived at the bottom of an ocean long ago, somewhere in one of the many Gaiaspheres, deep in the depths of Eutheria. “What are they?”

“For grinding seeds,” he answered. “And listening to the Music of the Spheres.”

Arueshalae: *genuinely confused* I’m… sure she’ll treasure them? I think?

Fastred stood before Mytikas. “Thank you for saving us.”

“The Master of the Turin-stone does not need to thank his servants,” Mytikas told him.

MG: And of course, having established that these are ancient, primordial god-like beings beyond even the power of the Ainur, we have to establish that Fastred is their master, because he bears just one Turin-stone… that Cirdan just let him take for no reason, if you’ll recall. Seriousyl, Polychron, we get it, you like Fastred and you like your super-special rock, enough is enough!

“If ever you are in the depths of the earth and in need, speak into the Turin-stone and we will aid you. Now we must go. Thanks to the Turin-stone, Ulbandi and her Nameless Things are blind to you and we deny them the paths of the Escherscapes. But the Igneous can follow us. If they find you, they will tell Ulbandi where you are. We must double back and lead them away.”

MG: Spoilers, they’ll be seeing Ulbandi again next chapter anyway!

Mytikas and the Dodecs

MG: …am I the only one who thinks that sounds like a band?

drew the hexagonal steps back into their bodies. They folded the sections of their centers closed and once again towered over the hobbit’s heads, twelve feet tall.

The Stone-men strode up the hexagonal stairs, leading to the open wall of the cave and the entrance to the Escherscape of Archany. Inside, the stone steps were twisting, turning, closing and unfolding in every conceivable direction and orientation.

Arueshalae: I still have no idea what any of this is or how it’s happening. Some sort of planar portal, perhaps? Which doesn’t seem like it quite suits this world… I’m just so confused.

Mytikas went last. Beyond the wall on a twelve-sided platform of stone within Archany, one step away from disappearing behind a twisting turning staircase, he stopped.

“Oh, and… Fastred?” Mytikas called. Trying to stifle laughter, he failed. He lifted his stone arm and waved, including all three fingers. “Next time, just say ‘Mytikas.”

Tharkos: *flatly* Ha. Ha.

The hexagonal steps rose one after another. They folded up into the wall and the wall slowly closed. The white lines dimmed to red and shrank until the last one went out.

They were just inside the mouth of a small cave. It was hidden behind a clef at the base of a ravine. Outside, it was midday. The Sun shone warm and bright. The air was fresh. Elanor inhaled the sweet smell of snow-fed streams and flower-scented mountain-air. Before them lay a green valley through which flowed what were only recently the beds of mighty rivers. They were now reduced to trickles, dammed somewhere out of sight. Nestled between the dramatic canyon walls, over which a great many waterfalls once poured, there now dribbled only modest streams. In between the remaining sprinkling drops lay the many doors and windows of what she had never seen, yet knew must be the Homely Homes of Rivendell. She refused to call it Glorfindell.

MG: Elrond’s house is also called the “Last Homely House East of the Sea,” because it sits on the border of Wilderland. The “Homely Homes of Rivendell” is something Polychron made up, and you can tell, because of how very dumb it sounds.

To Elladan and Elrohir, the land was terribly changed. Most of the forests and trees had been felled. What were once open fields full of wildflowers were now croplands under plow.

Tharkos: Oh, no. Glorfindel has adopted agriculture. What madness is this?

Roads and bridges filled the valley floor, connecting the segmented and fenced parcels. A small city had been built of hastily assembled and ugly wooden barracks. There were kitchens, stables, latrines, armories, forges, training grounds and many more buildings: everything a great army of Men needed to become a marauding force of conquerors. Their refuse polluted the land. Gone were the pristine forests of what had once been one of the fairest places in Middle-earth.

MG: Eh, this is just a cheap rehash of how Saruman transformed Isengard into the seat of his budding war machine after falling under Sauron’s influence. And, needless to say, Tolkien’s descriptions of Isengard are a lot more evocative than this. Seeing Rivendell turned into an armed camp like this really should be horrifying and saddening, but under Polychron’s pen it’s all just so… perfunctory that it’s really hard to care. And I still have to wonder – was there really nobody going to and from Rivendell who might have reported this to the High King and Queen? Did Aragorn and Arwen have no friends left in Rivendell who might have been a little upset by all of this? And if they all either fell under Glorfindel’s rule or were killed, surely they’d have noticed that?

The twins knew somewhere, Arwen was chained to a wall inside a dungeon. The thought that something might have befallen her filled them with such rage, they longed to use their newly acquired weapons with the ferocity they often felt, yet rarely expressed.

Arueshalae: So, am I to take it that all those times they murdered, they did it somehow without expressing ferocity?

Thanks to Fastred, no one knew they were here. The twins led them towards the back of the largest house. But Calcarin held back, just inside the entrance of the cave. His body alternated between terrified wave-like shudders and uncontrollable trembling.

“Calcarin?” Elanor called. She paused at the mouth of the cave. He turned away, fighting to control his shaking, too ashamed to speak his fear. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

After long moments of shaking hesitation, he turned his mouth to her ear. “Imagine coming to a door in the middle of the day. Beyond it lay an impenetrable darkness in which your Sun would never rise again and through which your eyes would never see, and you knew you must forevermore walk in darkness. Now imagine, not only must you step away from your homeland of light into darkness, forever, but in there lived the most powerful demons that had ever existed: the very embodiments of evil which had frightened you as a child, from which you hid trembling under your blankets, sightless and blind. Now you had to step into that darkness and face those demons in their own land at the peak of their powers. But you, because of your blindness, would forevermore be at the lowest ebb of yours. This is where my strange desire to learn new languages and explore new lands has led me… and what I now must do.”

MG: This is an incredibly elaborate metaphor from a man who only just learned what light was today. I mean, I get what Polychron is trying to do here, and I do appreciate him trying to express how disconcerting coming to the surface for the first time would be from a creature from the deep underground… I just don’t think he’s quite put the right amount of thought into it.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I never thought what coming to the surface might be like for you.”

“Thank you, Lady Elanor,” Calcarin said. Taking control of himself, he faced her.

“But this is a choice I made. I must face my choice, listen, hear my fears and transcend them.”

“That’s true,” Elanor said, offering her hand. “But you have friends. You don’t have to face your fears alone.”

Calcarin clacked and listened to her hand. Taking it, he held it firmly with his strong, yet trembling fingers. A tear fell from his nose.

MG: …and we had to have a reminder of that little detail…

The others looked at their friend kindly.

Together, the two of them stepped out of Euthyria – into Glorfindell.

Tharkos: Like the halfling girl, I refuse to use that name. On principle’s sake.

MG: And in any case, we are now done with this chapter! And, okay, it really has one major point, as you can tell from the name – to introduce us properly to Ulbandi, arguably the biggest bad in the entire fic. And I don’t think it does a very good job of it. First off, as we’ve already mentioned, Ulbandi is easily frightened off by a magical sword, cowers behind her own minions, then hinders her own attempt to pursue the heroes through her own pointless, wasteful cruelty. Beyond that, we have the whole extended flashback that mostly serves to establish how very much of Polychron’s issues with women the character embodies. But, overall, Ulbandi just doesn’t feel like she lives up to the billing she’s been getting, nor does she have the same weight of power and menace that Tolkien gives Sauron – and as a full Vala, rather than just a Maia, she should be if anything stronger and more malevolent than Sauron. Weirdly, I’m reminded of the short-lived LotR tabletop RPG put out by Decipher as a tie-in to the Jackson movies (not to be confused with the currently running, and AFAIK better received, One Ring TTRPG), which was actually my first exposure to the concept of a pen-and-paper roleplaying game Anyway, that game, at least in its core book, notably refused to give stats for Sauron, and explicitly instructed GMs to avoid letting players confront him in person, and to run any encounter with him as a hopeless boss fight if it did happen. The idea is that Sauron is a force of evil too great to be overcome by feats of arms, and his game portrayal should reflect that, not just having him be a pile of hit points for characters to kill. I feel like, in letting our heroes not only face Ulbandi but humiliate her and walk away alive (and I’ll note that when Beren and Luthien did something similar to Morgoth it was the climax of their quest, not a glorified random encounter) Polychron does exactly what the advice in the RPG was meant to avoid, trivializing his great evil rather than building her up properly.

Not helping is how the chapter then gets sidetracked by Fastred’s “humorous” summoning incantation and yet more infodumping about the Stone-men, which only further serves to make Ulbandi feel like a sidetrack in her own eponymous chapter. Sigh. Anyway, after a couple of chapters of underground journeying and side-quests, we’re now back on track with the main plot. Next time, we’ll be meeting Glorfindel’s new Legion of Doom. We’ll see you all then! Our counts stand at:

Bigger, Louder, More!: 96

Expansion-Pack World: 48 (giving a few more points for all the infodumping about the Stone-men)

Feel My Edge: 118

Happy Ending Override: 31 (for the state of “Glorfindell”)

Linguistic Confusions: 53

Loremaster’s Headache: 463

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 68

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 173

Rings-a-Palooza: 188

Take That, Tolkien!: 54

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 63

The Unfair Sex: 137