Fellowship of the King Book II Chapter Nine: The Council of Glorfindel

[masterghandalf]

MG’s Announcement: As my sporkings for Scrolls of the Ancients and Fellowship of the King will both be ending soon, I’ve put up a poll for what sporks I should do next over on my journal. Please check it out and if you haven’t done so yet, do vote if that at all interests you! Voting will be open through the middle of this coming week!

This is a repost from Das_sporking2. Previous installments of this sporking may be found here.

Warning: This chapter contains some violence, and discussion of rape, incest, misogyny and ableism.



MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Demetrious Polychron’s The Fellowship of the King! Last time, we officially met Ulbandi, who proved to be a walking embodiment of all Polychron’s issues with women; our heroes barely managed to escape from Ulbandi, with help from Mytikas and the rock people, who informed us at length about their… rock-racism. And we finally arrived at *sigh* “Glorfindell.” Today, the mission to rescue Arwen from captivity commences, while Glorfindel is holding a meeting that’s going to be crashed by some unexpected guests… and since Aureshalae is sticking around, you can probably guess who one of those guests will be. Joining us today will be Arueshalae and Thalia!

Chapter 9: The Council Of Glorfindel

Glorfindel sat on an elevated throne. He towered above four long meeting tables arranged in a square. His guests sat at the tables below him in his biggest hall.

Arueshalae: Would it be rude to point out that, of the three demon lords I’ve personally met, Queen Nocticula isn’t much larger than a human while Deskari and Baphomet are both gigantic… and of the three, Nocticula is the one who is most secure in her power, most dangerous, and has the least to prove? I think Glordindel could stand to learn that lesson…

Beside him sat Thüringel.

She surveyed the others: the most powerful gathering of queens and kings ever assembled. With her wearying browbeating, as if she fancied herself a wife the way she nagged,

Thalia: Prince Glorfindel, while I’ve never actually been in a relationship myself, I’ve overheard enough men complaining about their wives and mistresses in just such a fashion to know that you joining their ranks is not making you seen more dignified! Quite the opposite, in fact.

The Unfair Sex: 138 (of course, the only way the millennia old evil queen knows to manipulate her consort is by “nagging”)

Thüringel had tried to keep him under her thumb. Yet she was not his better, he was hers. This gathering proved it, if the Rings he wore did not. He exulted in his accomplishment.

Arueshalae: Unless you’re only thinking that it’s your accomplishment because that’s what she actually wants you to think – or that would be the case if Thuringel was actually the master of evil she supposedly is, rather than merely being an adjunct to a man…

The Unfair Sex: 139 (for the reminder that Thuringel is the weaker partner in this arrangement, despite the fact that from all we’ve heard she ought to be older, far more steeped in dark lore and magic, and is actually the current ruler of Mordor)

She would never admit it, but even she was impressed.

On each side of the meeting hall stood two marble statues. The one on the right was a black marble masterwork of Nerdanel’s. Elevated on a black pillar was a depiction of Melkor on his knees, with his hands chained behind his back. He was bound by the links of the massive chain Angainor. They wound around his shoulders, torso, waist and chain-wrapped bare feet.

Arueshalae: …some of my former sisters would pay very good money for that. *coughs delicately* For artistic purposes, of course.

On the left was a large white marble sculpture by Drendelen. It depicted Elendil standing up straight with his right hand held high bearing the Palantír of Anor. Below his feet, a ribbon of white marble ran in a wide circle behind him.

Thalia: I am becoming increasingly concerned that Drendelen and Nerdanel are the only actual sculptors in Arda anymore. I wonder what became of the rest? Did Nerdanel and Drendalen somehow assimilate them to take their power? A disturbing thought!

Pillars of varying heights rose along the ribbon. They bore depictions in white of the other six palantíri. The largest, the Stone of Osgiliath, loomed directly behind him. The smallest, the Palantír of Minas Ithil, sat on the highest pillar at the end of the circular ribbon on his left.

MG: Hmmm – we do know that the Osgiliath-stone was the largest of the palantiri of Middle-earth, and the Amon Sul-stone was supposed to be the next largest, but I think Polychron has just arbitrarily decided the Ithil-stone should be the smallest? I guess I’d always assumed it was the same size as the Anor-stone, since they were supposed to be particularly closely bound to each other.

At the other end of the large hall rose a large grey marble pillar. At eye level on top, the grey crystal of the Palantír of Elostirion glowed with a dim grey light. Beside the Palantír, a large black Guardian Stone stood silent and unmoving. It had the misshapen aspect of a man, lumpy and uneven, of black volcanic rock.

Thalia: Oh, this must be one of those oh-so-wicked Igneous! How… terrifying?

The queens and kings feared if anyone tried to steal the Palantír, the Guardian Stone might come to life by some dreaded enchantment and crush them under his mammoth fists.

Arueshalae: But really, he’d dozed off long ago and no one could tell the difference. By the time he actually woke up – from some very pleasant dreams of when he was a young pool of magma, in fact – the guests and the Stone were long gone, and Glorfindel realized that next time he should look into hiring a guard who actually perceives time as mortals do.

In addition to the many human queens and kings seated beside each other, there sat the collocoll Queen Serpentris of Eidolon and King Lucifugus of Gaiarium.

MG: “Gaiarium” just sounds like a larger version of a terrarium to me. And how nice that we have these legendary creatures almost entirely unknown to surface-dwellers… and that somehow doesn’t stop Glorfindel from inviting them to his little get-together. And strap in, because we’re about to get a very long list of all the monarchs he’s gathered (without anyone else in Middle-earth noticing… somehow) most of whom do not actually exist in Tolkien’s Middle-earth.

Expansion-Pack World: 49

Neither friends nor allies,

Thalia: In point of fact, they were exes. A tragic tale, and far too long to repeat here!

they warily clacked and sang to each other in their strange, yet oddly beautiful collocoll tongue.

Here too sat the Changeling Queen, Yhasandaed Imavich, Queen of Wetwang.

MG: Who we’ve had mentioned before, if you’ll recall. This being the first time her first name has been given, or she’s been identified as a “Changeling” (is she a shapeshifter? A fairy switched at birth for a human infant? Neither seems likely for this setting, though I suppose the former could be the case if she’s a skin-changer like Beorn) and, if I must remind you, “Wetwang,” more properly called Nindalf, isn’t a kingdom at all but a large, seemingly uninhabited and largely uninteresting swamp.

There sat Daqued, son of Blaqued, King of Trolls, ruler of the Entmoors.

MG: The Ettenmoors, which have nothing to do with Ents, are indeed “troll country” as described by Aragorn… but we have absolutely no indication that trolls have any sort of organized nation there, much less a monarchy, or that they’re even capable of organizing such a thing long-term (remember how dim-witted Bert, Tom and Bill were, and iirc they were supposed to be fairly smart for trolls!), unlike the orcs, who do have their own tribes, kingdoms etc. even when not being directly controlled by the Dark Lords. And “Daqued” and “Blaqued” don’t really seem like very Troll-ish names either.

Expansion-Pack World: 50 (trolls have royalty! Who knew?)

Gothmog, the hideously deformed and misshapen King of Orcs, had come from Mount Gundabad.

MG: Well, Gundabad is at least the capital of the orcs of the Misty Mountains per The Hobbit, so that part checks out? And of course, “Gothmog” is already the name of several characters in canon – Gothmog the Lord of Balrogs from the First Age, and Gothmog the Lieutenant of Morgul in the Third. Now, in the Jackson movies the latter Gothmog is indeed portrayed as a hideously disfigured orc, but in the book he’s only mentioned a couple of times and his species and appearance are never specified – and of course, he was the second-in-command of Minas Morgul and had nothing whatsoever to do with the Misty Mountains. So I genuinely don’t know if this Gothmog is meant to be the same guy, or if he’s yet a third Gothmog.

Mid-table sat the tall and insolent golden-haired Prince Estel Peredhel of Rhûn, the Progenitor of the Orcelven.

MG: “Peredhel” referring to the halfelven – which I’m not sure Estel counts as, since while his mother was Peredhel (taking into account Polychron’s retconning of her parentage) his father was, you know, an orc. So he’s elf and orc and mortal, not one of the half-elven in the conventional sense. And of course “Peredhel” isn’t a surname to be inherited, because that’s not how elven names work. Just seemed interesting to note.

He looked around as if he owned the room and they were guests in his halls, to be dismissed – on whim. Such insolence.

Arueshalae: Well, he was born here, and his mother was the lady of this place and his stepfather the lord – maybe he thinks he has a better claim to it than you do, Glorfindel? Was inviting him here really wise?

Estel was at war with Dominus, the human King of Rhûn. Glorfindel had seated them on opposite sides of the long square tables. He knew neither could be trusted to get too close to the other.

MG: Dominus has also been mentioned before, if you’ll recall – and we’ve already discussed how Rhun is a large region, not a kingdom with a single ruler, and how inexplicable it is that he has a Latin name when the Easterlings of Rhun seem to be based primarily on steppe peoples (the Wainriders in particular are clearly Middle-earth’s answer to the Huns) and not Romans.

Thalia: Now, I am but a poor warlock, but does it seem rather… odd to anyone else that Glorfindel has sufficient influence to not only bring numerous monarchs to his table, but to bring rivals with the expectation that they won’t kill each other while under his roof? And they go along with it? When I didn’t even think it was supposed to be common knowledge that he was gathering power and trying to set himself on Sauron’s throne?

Here sat Rudlun the Bold, the small ruddy-cheeked wandering King of Petti-Dwarves.

MG: Petti? And as we’ve already noted, the Petty-dwarves, spelled with a “y”, were from the First Age and were probably extinct by this point – and even when they did exist, they were a clan of exiles and outcasts who don’t seem to have had any sort of central ruler. I’m starting to think “Rudlun the Bold” may be less a king, and more a con-man who swindled his way into the meeting…

Beside him was Mesic, the black-skinned blue-eyed Pygmy King of Greater Harad. Gurulus, the squat-faced King of Gnomes sat beside him.

MG: *winces* Calling a dark-skinned character from the African-coded region a “pygmy” certainly has… implications. And, as we’ve already mentioned, “gnomes” was just an older name for the Noldor that Tolkien abandoned; no idea who “Gurulus” is, but his description does not make him sound like an elf, unless someone whacked him in the face with a shovel before he arrived.

Loremaster’s Headache: 464

Perched on mounted poles there cawed Butulishia and Accipiter, the Queen and King of Hawks.

Outside the window close to Glorfindel, towered the leafless branch of a dead tree. It extended through the open window and ended near his throne. On the end of the longest bough perched Percnopter, King of Vultures.

Thalia: And of course, the carrion-eater must perch upon the limb of a dead tree! I know immortal dream monsters driven to madness by archetype and abstraction who would find this symbolism far too heavy-handed!

“I want the head of Gwaihir!” Percnopter cawed. “Too long have the Eagles taken the best hunting grounds. They steal the game we kill and leave behind their wastes. Those rotting remains, even hyenas will not eat!

MG: …you know, whatever accusations you could lay on the Eagles of the Valar, “they’re messy and wasteful eaters” was not what I was expecting. Then again, this is the same fic that described how the Eagles pooped all over Sauron’s statue in Numenor, so maybe that’s the level of dignity we’re working with.

Their eyries have swelled, protected by Elessar. They have depopulated our lands of prey. We have had no choice – but to scavenge their leavings.”

Arueshalae: Aren’t the Eagles literal messengers of the gods? Do they really need a mortal king’s protection?

“Can you imagine,” Glorfindel said, turning to Thüringel. “Eating rotting corpses.”

Thalia: You two literally bathe in people’s blood while you have sex! I remember that part! You’re in no position to judge!

“With Gwaihir dead, we shall do so no more!” Percnopter vowed. “Destroy him, and as the Avian King of Birds

Arueshalae: As opposed to the… insectile king of birds? The amoeboid king of birds? Would a king of birds not be avian by definition?

and the High King of the Skies, everything that flies will support the armies of Glorfindel.”

MG: Glorfindel suddenly heard a voice bellowing in the distance, all the way from the Withered Heath and the lands of the dragons, something that sounded distinctly like “you wish!”

“I agree, Emperor Glorfindel,” said Tevildo, Lord of Cats. Sitting halfway down on the left, he petted his one, large black cat. It wore a thick collar of gold with sharp iron studs. The eight white cats fearfully served him.

MG: Okay, one, Tevildo, Prince of Cats was a giant demonic cat himself, not a man who kept cats. Two, he was an older version of Sauron from the Lost Tales (or rather he was, along with Tuvon and Fankil, one of three earlier characters who were subsumed into the later Sauron) and so doesn’t exist in the later Legendarium. And three, those are just the cats of Queen Beruthiel, a completely unrelated character (and a Black Numenorean princess who married king Tarannon Falastur of Gondor, and ought to be millennia dead now), except with the colors in reverse (Beruthiel had one white cat, and eight black ones). Is this Tevildo meant to be a descendant of Beruthiel (she and Tarannon had a loveless political marriage and no children, but maybe she had descendants with someone else?), named for the older incarnation of Sauron? Did Polychron just grab some random characters and mash them together? Who knows! I don’t believe this is ever explained. But Tevildo, Prince of Cats is here at Glorfindel’s meeting, however little sense that makes.

Loremaster’s Headache: 466

The Unfair Sex: 140 (for Polychron seemingly replacing a female character with a male one for no reason)

“Let the vultures rule the air and the cats will rule the streets! Destroy the hounds and everything my cats see will be known to the rulers of Gondolin.”

Thalia: I’ve known some cats growing up, on the streets of Gate Pass – some of them were quite dear and charming creatures, but none were what I might call attentive servants…

The large eyes on the white cats seemed languid. Glorfindel knew they were watching, smelling and listening. They were learning everything they could and reporting to Tevildo.

Arueshalae: Who is… sitting right there? Unless the cats have some deep insightful analysis of the council – which seems unlikely, but I’m not familiar enough with the mortal world to rule it out entirely – I’m not sure how much use that will be?

“Destroy the Eagles and there will be no last minute rescue for Elves and Men in this new War of the Rings,” Percnopter vowed. “You will never hear them cry ‘the Eagles are coming!’”

MG: I mean, if the Eagles hadn’t shown up at the Battle of the Morannon, Sauron would’ve still fallen – it’s just that Frodo and Sam would have almost certainly died too, with no one to rescue them. But the Eagles themselves didn’t cause that victory. And even at the Five Armies, the Eagles helped even the odds, but it was Beorn who killed Bolg and broke the back of the goblin army.

“You are right, I won’t,” Glorfindel assured him. “The Eagles will be dead.”

“The Eagle are the servants of Manwë,” Thû the Great said, Conqueror of the North, sitting across from Tevildo. He ruled the northern empire of Dor Daedeloth, one of the most powerful warlords in Middle-earth. “How can you destroy them and not bring his wrath on us?”

MG: *snorts* We’ve already been over Thu and Dor Daedeloth before in this fic – and why their presence here makes no sense – but I just want to remind you that Thu was also an early, rejected name for Sauron (though unlike Tevildo, by the time Tolkien was using “Thu,” the character was already recognizable as Sauron). So does that mean we have two incarnations of Sauron sitting across from each other at this little party? Fun! Also, he raises a valid point. The ability of the Valar to act directly is presumably limited at this point, with Aman having already been removed from the Circles of the World and all, but even so, the King of the Valar and Regent of Arda is not an enemy you want to be making.

Thû claimed his realm stretched from the shores of Forodwaith in the west, across the Northern Wastes and the Regions of Everlasting Cold to the Mountains of the East, and down the Eastern Seas to the shores of Hildória. If true, his empire was larger than that of Emperor Guan Qubing, who was already allied with Elessar and had spurned their invitation.

Arueshalae: And didn’t tell Gondor that he’d received such an invitation? I’m really not sure if that’s a betrayal or just foolishness, because I’m pretty sure King Elessar would have been very fascinated to hear all this.

MG: Also, it seems worth nothing that while “Thu’s” empire sounds huge, it also sounds like most of it is desolate arctic wastelands that’s probably very thinly populated, so it might be considerably less impressive in real life than it is on paper (wait… a massive, northern empire with large thinly populated stretches, that spans from the European-analogue portion of the world all the way to the East Asia analogue, which is explicitly noted to be larger than the China analogue… is “Dor Daedaloth” supposed to be Middle-earth’s version of Russia? Don’t tell Yeskov!). And wasn’t Forodwaith supposed to be Ulbandi’s stomping ground? She might have a thing or two to say about Thu’s choice of empires!

Expansion-Pack World: 51

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 174

Some said Thû had extended his empire beyond the Eastern Seas to the Dark and South Lands, even to the shores of Kalórmë with its fabled Sun blackened hills. Yet even if true, most of his northlands were frozen wastes. Size was not necessarily commensurate with power.

Thalia: *glances down at her own thin frame* Indeed! As I think we’ve mentioned already? Though I have to wonder – does Thu rule everywhere that’s just off the maps and hasn’t been claimed by another power? A curious domain, if so – and a frightening one, if, perhaps, nonsensical.

“I have lived since before the Two Lamps,” Glorfindel answered.

MG: *facepalms* No you haven’t. Stop gassing yourself up, Glorfindel! The Lamps rose and fell ages before the elves even awoke; no elf was born before the Lamps, because the elven race didn’t exist yet. Glorfindel didn’t live before the Two Trees either, if that’s what Polychron meant him to say; Tolkien didn’t give much on his backstory, but as far as we can gather from the HoME, he was likely born in Valinor at some point before the Flight of the Noldor, and became a follower of Turgon… and that’s about it for his early life. The thing is, several of the people in this audience are probably old enough or learned enough to know he’s full of it (seriously, to be as old as he’s claiming, he’d have to be one of the Ainur) so really, he’d best knock it off before he embarrasses himself even more.

Loremaster’s Headache: 467

“The Valar rarely leave Aman. When they have, it is only after Middle-earth has been all but destroyed.

MG: Yes, because when the Valar act directly they can destroy whole continents as collateral damage; they’re understandably reluctant to do that if they don’t absolutely have to. The Sil, IMO, is pretty explicit about this!

I will kill the Eagles! King Percnopter and his Vulture armies will descend from the skies, serving me.”

In the center of the empty floor-space created by the four long tables sat a low dais. It bore the single largest egg anyone had ever seen. Over three feet tall, it weighed 150 lbs.

Thalia: I pity the poor servant who had to put it in the scales! *beat* Also, this is quite a sudden change of subject!

It was a dragon egg.

Everyone imagined it was close to hatching.

MG: But, unfortunately, they were wrong; the egg was centuries away from hatching, and everyone here was wasting their time. So tragic. Anyway, we have vague references in canon to dragons “breeding” – I’d be inclined to assume they come out of eggs (they seem like the sort of creatures that would) but I don’t think we ever have confirmation one way or the other.

In the place of honor opposite his throne, Glorfindel had given the chair to Swahillogûz, the Albino Abomination, called the White Elf of Northern Harad.

MG: Okay, “Albino Abomination” just gives the impression that it’s his albinism that is the abomination – yeesh, ableist, much? Though it also makes me all the more certain that he’s intended as a shoutout to Elric.

Dressed all in white, he was the servant of the Silence That Devours.

MG: But when he was dressed all in black, he was the herald of Morgoth… and when he wore his blue jacket and yellow boots, he was the long-lost disciple of Tom Bombadil!

Next to Swahillogûz in a flowing robe woven of threads of gold with a golden staff of gold heartwood sat Swahillogûz’s principle councilor: the white haired, black skinned Wizard of Aman, Incánus the Gold. He was the Wanderer of Northern, Greater and South Harad.

MG: And considering we already have two spare incarnations of Sauron at this party, I suppose it’s only fitting that an extra Gandalf should show up as well (“Incanus,” if you’ll recall, is canonically another name for Gandalf, not a separate character). As for what he’s doing here despite being one of the Istari, later on it’ll be indicated that he just sort of offers his services as a counselor to anyone who wants them, and came with Swahilloguz.

In other chairs sat many more powerful and noteworthy queens and kings.

Arueshalae: Well, it seems like someone lost interest, didn’t they?

MG: *snickers* It does indeed! And let’s just take a moment to look back over the guest list at this… gathering. Because, wow. Glorfindel has gathered rulers from all across Middle-earth to attend him here in Rivendell (well, it used to be Rivendell and now has a ridiculous name, of course). He somehow managed to put this together, despite most of these people having to travel hundreds or thousands of miles, largely through hostile-to-them territory controlled by the Reunited Kingdom. And he somehow had the pull to do this! Like, he basically calls for every major power-player in the world (except for Aragorn himself and, seemingly, Lungorthin - even Ulbandi got an invite, though she’s not here yet), and as far as we can see, out of all of them, the only one who didn’t come was Guan Qubing! And some of them, like Estel and Thu, are his rivals! Glorfindel’s only been in the whole Dark Lord business openly (and not that openly, because most people were unaware of him) for about twenty years at this point – how in Middle-earth does he have this kind of pull? Sure, Thuringel probably helped with some of that – especially with Swahilloguz, who was Sauron’s ally – but it still strains credulity that Glorfindel, self-proclaimed “emperor” or not, can just snap his finger and have dozens of warlords as his houseguests, some of them very nearly as powerful as he is (Swahilloguz and Thu might be stronger). It’s like they’ve all read the script and know that Glorfindel is the biggest bad (except for Ulbandi) and so they’ve all got to come and pay homage. And frankly, the laundry-list of evil just gets a little worn out after awhile. Sometimes, less is more!

Bigger, Louder, More!: 97

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 64

On one side of the great meeting room, a large mirror was set within the wall. It reflected the open windows, columns and tapestries, the statues and Palantír, the large round dragon egg in the center of the tables and the stern faces of the gathering.

Thalia: But not Thuringel! *beat* I think she’s supposed to be a vampire, anyway? Maybe?

On the other side of the magical mirror lay a secret room. It had been created and concealed by the power of Elrond.

MG: Little-known fact – in FotK, Vilya was not only the Ring of Air, but also the Ring of Secret Rooms! *beat* In fact, considering the long, over-complicated titles Polychron gives all the rings, that’s a distinct possibility…

Its existence was unknown to anyone, even Glorfindel. On the other side of the solid wall and the one-way magical glass stood Alatar, Eldarion, Calcarin, the twins and hobbits. Observing the meeting, they were shrouded from all perception by Elrond’s spells and Fastred’s Turin-stone.

Arueshalae: How… very convenient? And as a professional, I have to say I am insulted that we skipped over their infiltration of “Glorfindell” and cut directly to everyone already ensconced in their hiding-place, spying on the gathering of eeevil!

“Elrond doesn’t seem to have been very trusting,” Alatar noted.

“Trust does not necessitate abandoning reasonable precaution,” Elladan said.

“Nor failing to protect your family,” Elrohir added.

MG: I mean, it doesn’t really seem like the sort of thing Elrond would do… but on the other hand, when you’re a six-thousand-plus year old elf lord, you have plenty of free time to pursue all sorts of unusual construction projects. Network of secret passages? Go for it! *beat* And it does occur to him that Elrond’s hometown was attacked, his mother and most of the people he knew seemingly killed, and he and his brother were kidnapped fairly early in his life, so… maybe there is a reason he’d want to be sure he had a secret bolthole.

“We have a serious problem,” Elanor told them.

“What problem?” Eldarion asked.

Thalia: I count *muttering quickly under her breath* approximately nineteen problems, counting all the named guests and the two hosts, actually.

“It’s better if I show you,” she answered. She switched Rings with him again briefly. Eldarion put on Oialëhén and looked out at the gathering. “There are Rings of Power on King Percnopter’s claw, Queen Butulishia’s talon, Lord Tevildo’s hand, Thüringel, Queen of Mordor’s hand, and Rudlun the Petty-Dwarf King’s hand. Beside the Bëorning King, Grimbëorn the Old, a Ring is on his Queen Ursula’s hand. The collared and chained warg of the Goblin King Gurulus has one on its paw. Estel wears a Ring beneath his tunic on a slender chain of mithril. On one hand Glorfindel wears another and he holds eight more in his hand!”

Arueshalae: *with an uncharacteristic fury* Enough! Demetrious Polychron, I have had quite enough of all of these… these.. rings! Other magical objects exist! Collecting them isn’t the sole goal of every character, and showing them off is no longer impressive and has just become tedious! There was a time I would have ripped the rings off of everyone in the room and force-fed them all to Glorfindel for subjecting us to this nonsense… and Desna help me, I’m seriously considering it now!

MG: Also, “Grimbeorn the Old,” son of Beorn and his successor as chief of the Beornings, is canon – what he’s doing here, I’m less sure on. Though I am impressed he’s even still alive, since he was already known as “the old” by the time of LotR, and this is more than twenty years after that. No idea who “Queen Ursula” is supposed to be, other than maybe Grimbeorn’s wife? Or has a certain sea-witch joined the gathering; she wouldn’t be the most ridiculous one here!

Rings-a-Palooza: 205

“The rikedons were destroyed and we were forced to flee,” Percnopter told Glorfindel.

Thalia: I remember that! It was… an experience!

“Elessar’s armies destroyed your allies at Weathertop. They left under cover of darkness.”

“Could they be headed here?” Queen Amphisbaena asked.

Arueshalae: *baffled* Who? And if your scouts can’t detect the approach of that massive army, you deserve whatever happens to you. Speaking as a scout myself, of course.

Whispered conversations and cries of concern rose and fell around the table.

“If they are, how will you stop Elessar and Alatar?” Imavich asked. “If you can’t protect yourself, how do you expect anyone to believe you can protect any of us?”

Thalia: An excellent question. Why do all of you think Glorfindel can offer something you can’t do for yourself, exactly?

Thüringel narrowed her eyes. She wore her fair female form, as not to terrify the gathering.

Arueshalae: Spoken like someone who doesn’t know how terrible beauty can be. “Beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!” Yes, my kind know something of this as well… but Thuringel does not impress me.

Yet beneath her calm exterior, her fury raged.

“Because of these,” Glorfindel answered. He opened his hand, displaying seven golden Rings of Power set with different black gems.

“Those are Rings of Sauron,” Incánus noted. “Seven of the Nine worn by the Nazgûl.”

“They confer great power,” Glorfindel told them. “To the Ringbearers I choose.”

The queens and kings regarded each other in silence.

Thalia: Because they all knew what became of the Nazgul and were wondering if Glorfindel was deliberately insulting them by laying such an obvious and easily avoided trap?

“What will become of those Ringbearers without Sauron to control them?” King Kaparmál of West Carnen asked. He covetously yet warily eyed the Rings.

MG: The Carnen is a river that flows into the Sea of Rhun, forming part of the boundary between Rhun and Rhovanion. Why is Polychron insisting on assigning monarchs to random bodies of water? And no, I don’t know who, or what “King Kaparmal” is meant to be.

Expansion-Pack World: 52

“I do not know,” Glorfindel answered. “What I do know is that these Rings are the keys to Power. With them you can secure your borders and defeat your enemies. Oh, and incidentally, they give the Ringbearers immortality. That is, if you happen to be… mortal.”

Arueshalae: One would think at, even with the absence of Sauron, the fate of the last bearers of these rings might somewhat dampen the gathering’s desire for them?

No one spoke. The mortal queens and kings looked back and forth between Glorfindel, the Rings in his hand and the faces of the others. Most were enemies.

“What will happen to us in two-hundred years?” King Voljotin asked.

Thalia: Who!?

MG: And, going by canon, the answer is probably “well on your way to wraith-hood.” Good luck with that!

“I have no idea what I’m having for dinner,” Glorfindel answered.

“He’s having us for dinner,” Imavich told Voljotin.

Arueshalae: …so, is that line meant to sound unbelievably suggestive, or?

“We know what will happen,” King Gylslag said, laying his hands on the table. “What do you demand from us in exchange for one of these Rings?”

MG: Perhaps if we had some idea who you are and why Glorfindel bothered inviting you, we might know that? Seriously, these are the only references we get in the whole fic to “Voljotin” or “Gylslag.” Who are they? What are they? What countries or peoples are they kings of? Why did Glorfindel invite them, and why did they answer his call? Who knows!

Expansion-Pack World: 54

Glorfindel eyed him greedily. “Your first-born child.”

Arueshalae: Because he never did meet a cliché he didn’t like?

Queen Leafkysäsi turned to her daughter. “Send for the Crown Prince Eriol – at once!”

MG: Because of course this queen (who is she? Where is she from?) can just have her heir brought here at once with no hassle from… wherever her kingdom is. Also, wow, this lady is throwing not only her child but her heir (who for some reason has the same name as the mariner from the framing device of the Lost Tales) under the proverbial bus with barely any prompting at all – mom of the year, right there!

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 65

“I spoke in jest,” Glorfindel told her. “The Master of these Rings has never demanded a price. It would be foolish to do so now. But, if you happen to have an extra son, or daughter…”

MG: Weirdly, this just makes me think of a line of the Kingpin’s from the 90s Spider-man cartoon that’s always stuck with me – “the best puppeteers never need strings.” And for all that show massively overused the Kingpin (even making him out to be Spider-man’s arch-enemy more than villains like Green Goblin, Doc Ock or Venom who traditionally hold the spot) he’s still a much more effective villain than anything Polychron has written… and really, the fallen, immortal elvish prince ought to be a much grander threat than some mortal mafia don, rather than the other way around.

“We know the price,” Tevildo said. He stroked the back of his large black cat.

“They demand their own price,” Imavich told him.

Thalia: This woman seems to curiously be the sole voice of reason at this gathering. I wonder how much she knows, or why? Perhaps I can ask her later.

“For all I know, nothing will happen,” Glorfindel said. “There is no way to know.”

“The King of Gondolin must think we who have accepted his invitations are fools,” Incánus said. “We know the history and Dark Gifts conferred upon the wearers of the Nine.”

MG: And I mean… Incanus is correct. Without the One, I don’t think Glorfindel should have the power to enslave the bearers of the Nine Rings, unless that’s what the “Master-stone” does. But the process of becoming wraiths seems to be a natural result of a mortal bearing a Ring of Power too long – as we’ve mentioned before, in the Legendarium it seems like you can only stretch a mortal’s life for so long before things start breaking. “They had, it seemed, unending life, yet life became unendurable to them…” per the Sil. That sound like much fun?

“Believe whatever you wish,” Glorfindel told them. He held up his left hand and displayed on his ring finger, Arien, the Ring of the Eclipsed Black Sun. The Morgul Ring’s black Star Sapphire stone glowed with a fierce inner light. “I would never endanger myself. Nor allow anybody to harm one of my Ringbearers. I will personally destroy anyone who tries.”

Arueshalae: For one, as an immortal you can wear a Ring of Power without risk of succumbing to undeath, so that is not very reassuring to everyone else in the room! For another, I have known powerful demons – even demon lords – who would avenge any slight done to their followers… because they view their followers as their possessions. I do not think the proud kings and queens in this room would appreciate such an attitude!

“I believe something like that already happened during the Battle of the Pelennor Fields,” Incánus said. “Didn’t a hobbit break the enchanted protection around the Witch King of Angmar and the Shield Maid of Rohan was able to run him through?”

MG: …which is true, and was before Glorfindel was the new dark lord, so I’m not entirely sure how that’s relevant? Avenging his lieutenant would have been Sauron’s prerogative, and he was destroyed before he had the chance.

“Yes!” Glorfindel cried. His features twisted in hatred. “Princess Éowyn of Ithilien and the Master Meriadoc of Buckland! Would that I had known when they stood before me. The first thing the Allied Kingdoms of this War Council will do is march on the Shire a fortnight west of here. We will slaughter every hobbit and scorch their lands! Then, Ithilien will fall.”

Thalia: *looks at a map* Ah… the Shire and Ithilien are not anywhere near each other, so unless time and space have indeed become warped, I’m unsure exactly how those two conquests follow logically from each other? And surely the high king will have something to say about two of his vassal realms being assaulted? As Tharkos says, is it not true of any plan that the enemy also gets a vote?

Feel My Edge: 119

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 66

In the hidden room behind the mirror, Fastred grabbed Theo’s arm.

“If you pledge their lands to me, after my army’s genocide of the hobbits,” Queen Leafkysäsi of Bearnmyrdre said, “I will accept one of your Rings and ally our kingdoms.”

MG: I believe this is the only time “Bearnmyrde” is mentioned in the fic; no idea where it’s supposed to be, or why the queen wants the Shire so badly (does “Bearnmyrde” have a dearth of good farmland? I must also point out that if you exterminate all the hobbits, you’ll have to bring in new people from somewhere to actually work all that land). And yes, the sudden and random “let’s commit hobbit genocide!” plot point feels like it exists solely to be shocking and edgy and show how eeevil our villains are.

Expansion-Pack World: 55

Feel My Edge: 120

She held out her hand.

Glorfindel rose and slowly walked around the table. He held up one of the Rings for all to see before setting it in her trembling fingers. “This is Elemmire, the Ring of Wealth.”

Leafkysäsi closed her fist around Morimaitë, the Ring of Treachery, Deceit and Trickery.

All Sporkers: *facepalm at how easy that was*

MG: Also, “Elemmire” was the name of a Vanyarin elf who composed a lament for the Darkening of Valinor, not a Ring (though I suppose the ring could have been named for the elf).

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 175

Rings-a-Palooza: 206

She opened it and examined the Jet stone. It was polished so bright it almost glowed.

Before she could put it on, the other queens and kings reached out with greedy, grasping hands. One rose, then another, then the mass of them surged towards Glorfindel.

Arueshalae: These people are remarkably eager to be enslaved. I feel genuinely insulted, honestly… all those centuries of my life wasted on perfecting the arts of seduction and corruption, when apparently my former self could have just waved magic rings in everyone’s face and had them all eating out of my hands. Very disappointing.

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 176

“Stop!” he shouted, holding up his hands. They froze. “Sit.”

They hesitated and looked around at each other. Slowly, they returned to their seats.

Thû, Incánus, Swahillogûz and many others hadn’t moved. They sat silently. Their arms were folded with their hands tucked out of sight.

Thalia: At least someone here has some wisdom, or at least restraint?

Glorfindel smiled. He didn’t need all of them. Just seven. In the end, it was so easy. He walked around the table, aware of the queen’s and king’s wanton desire for power. It rose from their trembling faces like the stink of an unwashed beggar.

MG: Which makes it sound like there’s only one king and one queen present. Anyway, while we don’t know the details, I always assumed that Sauron distributed the Seven and the Nine gradually, meeting with potential marks individually, assessing their usefulness, and slowly manipulating them into thinking accepting a ring would be a good idea, not just… having a big party and basically throwing the rings into a crowd who just can’t wait to have them. This feels much more mundane.

It was not a thirst. It was a craving for power and immortality as great in its small, mortal human way, as his own truly great and immortal predatory, ravenous hunger for the Ruling Ring had once been. That long past hunger had grown, becoming his indescribably insatiable and all- consuming Lust for the Master-ring of Middle-earth.

Arueshalae: Glorfindel, friend, just what do you want to do with that ring?

Unlike his, their hunger was not for power over him, nor the other queens and kings gathered around these tables they didn’t already know, as Glorfindel had feared. Since he wanted power over them, he’d thought of little else.

That’s not what they wanted at all.

They wanted power to crush their personal enemies and to conquer their ancestral foes.

Arueshalae: …as monarchs are wont to do? This could describe demon lords just as well as mortal kings!

Only a few sat around this table. They preferred to not become involved with foreign lands. The less they had to deal with Glorfindel and western lands, the better. Their ambitions didn’t have anything to do with him, until he offered them Rings of Power. Before now, they never had.

MG: …which is why they came when he called and put themselves in his power and didn’t just blow him off or even prepare for war.

Glorfindel walked to King Kaparmál of West Carnen. He was the next of Glorfindel’s carefully pre-selected queens and kings. They were the ones with the largest armies and the richest lands, outside of Thû or Emperor Guan Qubing.

Thalia: Ah, but if only we had some idea of where these kingdoms were, that might be more impressive! Then again, Kaparmal apparently rules just part of one river, so maybe the others aren’t that impressive at all, unless you like to go fishing…

“Hold out your hand!” Glorfindel commanded.

Kaparmál held out his trembling palm, accepting from the King of Gondolin, the largesse of the Emperor of the West in the form of a small yet potent golden Ring of Power.

MG: Glorfindel, you rule one small valley. Even if we also add that your girlfriend is the current ruler of Mordor, that is hardly the same as being “Emperor of the West!” Putting the cart before the horse, much? Also, it bears noting that it Numenor, when Ar-Adunakhor took the throne under the title “Lord of the West,” the Faithful considered it blasphemous because “Lord of the West” is properly the title of Manwe. “Emperor of the West” is even more grandiose, and therefore likely even more blasphemous. You are tempting fate so bad, buddy.

Glorfindel handed out the others. The queens and kings who received them inspected their Rings. One or two hesitated. Kaparmál put his on and vanished. The others did, too.

Seeing each other disappear, when not one of them had ever seen anybody become invisible, made them look down. Failing to see their own invisible hands, they finally grasped the terror, just the rumor of even just this one ability that their new Rings of Power would instill in the hearts of their enemies. They also knew there were other powers in these Rings.

Arueshalae: And yet they also seem to be taking it remarkably in stride, considering they have literally never seen a person vanish before… and I can say from my own experiences that, at Drezen, it was long my habit to walk among the crusaders unseen, or in form as one of them, so as to observe them without making them aware of my presence… and on occasions when I revealed myself, I certainly came to realize that mortals find that kind of thing alarming!

MG: Also, I do wonder if the new ringbearers actually are seeing each other disappear? In LotR, when Frodo turns himself invisible using the One, he gains the ability to see into the Unseen enough that the true forms of the Nazgul – normally invisible – become visible to him. I can’t help but think that these rings should have the same effect, and all the invisible people should be visible to their fellow ringbearers still?

A few of them chuckled. Others laughed gleefully.

The many who hadn’t been given Rings watched silently.

MG: Which just makes me wonder why Glorfindel even bothered inviting more guests than he has rings, unless his goal here is to trigger a bloodbath so as to ensure the rings go to the strongest…

Glorfindel raised his hands and the laughter died. “Please, remove your Rings for the benefit of our other guests, so we may continue.”

All seven did as they were told.

Swahillogûz, the White Elf, rose. “It is not fitting for the Emperor Glorfindel to give so many gifts, yet receive nothing from this assemblage in return.”

Thalia: …is Swahilloguz going to assassinate Glorfindel and take his place? Because they does sound rather threatening!

He waved his hand. One of the Wildmen, a warrior of Northern Harad,

MG: Wild Men =/= Haradrim, if you please! Unless this guy is either a Dunlending or one of the Woses who moved to Harad and then entered Swahilloguz’s service, in which case he sounds interesting, can we read about him instead?

Loremaster’s Headache: 468

standing motionless and silent behind him came forward and set a large wooden case on the table. Swahillogûz opened it, revealing three black double-bladed weapons set in white velvet.

“What are they?” Thû asked.

Swahillogûz lifted the double-bladed sword. “This is a bident.” He set it down and lifted the double-bladed dagger. “This is a biger.” He replaced it in the case and lifted a handle that bore two slender needle-blades. “And this is a biletto.”

Arueshalae: …so, I take it Swahilloguz isn’t particularly clever when it comes to naming things, then?

“You are too kind,” Glorfindel said, smiling. “But you needn’t have bothered. I already purchased a great many from Manus Tarqus, the largest arms dealer of Greater Harad.”

“What?!” Theo whispered fiercely to his friends in the hidden room.

Arueshalae: Manus was extremely unsubtle in his desire for a Ring of Power, after all – is it really that surprising he might have not been particularly discriminating in who he sold weapons to?

Glorfindel gestured and Easterlings ran in through the open doors. Brandishing bident swords and bigers, they surrounded the queens and kings.

Frightened, the six to whom he’d given Rings put them on and vanished.

From behind the hanging tapestries stepped Nine Nazgûl, Hunters In Grey, holding grey mithril bows. The grey eyes in their dead grey faces were blank. Already notched against grey hithlain string, grey arrows with black bident arrowheads were aimed at the invisible queens and kings. The Ringwraiths could see them half-in, half-out of their same shadowy wraith world.

MG: Which is probably true, as mentioned. And on the one hand, yes, the Ringwraiths are very hard to destroy by mundane means – it took both powerful magic and the fulfilment of a prophecy to do in the Witch-king, and the destruction of their Master to finish the others – so it doesn’t really surprise me that Glorfindel’s Nu-Nazgul survived their dismemberment a few chapters ago. That they fully reassembled their bodies, and/or got new ones (the originals explicitly lacked real physical substance outside their robes!), made it back home, and did it so very quickly, OTOH, does surprise me. And makes me wonder what the point of “killing” them at all was; in LotR, the defeat of the Ringwraiths at the Fords of Bruinen was explicitly not a permanent solution, but it did serve a narrative purpose in that it benched them long enough for the Fellowship to set out and travel a decent way without being opposed by them. The “Grey Hunters” being destroyed at Weathertop seems to have amounted to basically nothing.

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 67

They loosed their arrows. The double needle-points shot through the air and pierced their targets. The queens and kings reappeared screaming. Falling to their knees, their pupils grew grey, lighter, then white as their screams faded. They stayed on their knees unmoving, silently screaming. Their golden Rings of Power glinted on the unliving slaves of Glorfindel.

“Treachery!” Thû shouted.

Thalia: So… Glorfindel gave them rings designed to enslave them… and then turned around and used a completely different dark magic to enslave them instead? One that is actually tied to an evil force whose herald is also in the room, and one of the only people here who hasn’t bought in to your plan and might well turn to oppose you outright? Glorfindel… have you really thought this through? Do you want to talk about it?

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 177

Percnopter cawed, flapping his wings. He rose and dove at Butulishia, the hawk Queen, catching the hawk’s talons in one of his own and her head in the other. King Accipiter screeched and escaped out the window. Wrenching his talons out sideways, Percnopter ripped the Hawk Queen apart. He dropped her body and flew after Accipiter, clutching the hawk Queen’s talon. It glinted with a golden Ring of Power that appeared the moment she died.

Arueshalae: Well. That happened? I consider myself well-versed in treachery and deception, and yet I remain as mystified as Thalia by who is betraying who, or what they stand to gain!

Feel My Edge: 121

Everyone else jumped to their feet.

The sunlight streaming through every open window dimmed. The images of everyone in the room scrambling about grew murky, shadowy. The sounds of everything around them faded, diminished, became inaudible. The space contracted and bent to the open door where Ulbandi stood in her blue-black Death’s Head armor, more powerful than the gravity in the floor.

Arueshalae: Oh. Well. That was sudden. Has it perhaps occurred to Polychron he could have built up to that moment more, to give it more of an impact?

The only light undimmed came from her murderous, gleaming blue-black mail. Shining brighter, the beams stabbed the eyes of everyone in the room with a cutting pain. Behind her strode Anfauglir, Queen of Werewolves, and Latistha, the great ice-winged Balrog Queen.

MG: “Anfauglir,” the Jaws of Thirst, was another name for Carcharoth, the great wolf of Angband in the Sil… who was very much portrayed as male. Perhaps this Anfauglir is named for her illustrious forebear? IIRC, we never have any explicit depictions of werewolves after the First Age, but Gandalf mentions them as being among Sauron’s servants in the Third, so they presumably still exist somewhere. OTOH… “Latistha” is interesting. For one, with her and Lungorthin we have yet another Balrog – add in Durin’s Bane and we have at least three surviving to the Third (and in two cases, the Fourth!) Age, which does not feel like it fits with what the Sil implied. Not to mention that the Balrogs were creatures of fire, not ice. However, it does make me think of another bit from the old Decipher LotR RPG I mentioned last time? It does include demonic creatures that are essentially “ice Balrogs” among its possible enemies (though iirc they only appeared in a sourcebook, not the core book); however, they were called hellegrogs. Still, I wonder if that’s where Polychron got the idea from? And I don’t know what language “Latistha” is supposed to be, save that I’m pretty sure it’s neither Sindarin nor Quenya.

Bigger, Louder, More!: 98

Expansion-Pack World: 56

Loremaster’s Headache: 500

Everyone stood frozen with their feet rooted in place, held by Ulbandi’s power.

MG: And here it feels like Polychron is trying to give Ulbandi the same sort of aura of power as Sauron has… but describing it so bluntly like this, it doesn’t really work. The Witch-King’s approach to the gates of Minas Tirith with his full power unveiled was far more frightening.

“Well, well, well. What treachery is here in Glorfindell?” Ulbandi asked, contemptuous. “Hail ‘Fair’ High King Glorfindel and Emperor of Gondolin, Re-founded.”

MG: …well, at least someone here clearly thinks this gathering is as ridiculous as I do?

She looked around the table. The queens and kings held their heads bowed, silent, terrified. Anfauglir and Latistha posted themselves at the open double doors, above the bodies of the Easterlings they’d just dismembered. Following them came an old crone with a wrinkled face. She had bony hands, and fingers with long, broken, dirty black fingernails.

Arueshalae: *examines her own long, sharp but immaculately cared for talons* …have the forces of evil simply not heard of hygiene in this world? Even in the Abyss, I always at least tried to keep my nails neat…

She wore a long black robe and a black blindfold around her eyes. It pinned her long, dirty grey-white hair against her head. In her gnarled hands, she carried a long black staff of scorched black wood.

“Oh, no!” Alatar whispered, knitting his brows. “It’s Ulbandi and Leminkkäenin.”

Thalia: Now, perhaps I’m wrong, but I’d think that the greatest evil force currently active in the world and a fallen member of your own order might merit a rather more dramatic reaction than “oh no?” But I am but a humble warlock and not a great and wise wizard like yourself – perhaps I was mistaken?

“I remember you telling us about Ulbandi, but who’s Leminkkäenin?” Elanor whispered back. “What’s wrong?”

Arueshalae: Beg pardon, but haven’t we learned who Leminkainen was already? And why has her spelling changed?

MG: Well, in LotR Pippin needed Treebeard to explain who Saruman was to him, even after he’d spent months traveling with the Fellowship, but I think the implication was Pippin just wasn’t paying attention, which seems rather less in-character for the bookish Elanor.

“I hate Leminkkäenin,” he whispered, pressing his fingertips against his eyelids.

Thalia: Alatar the Blue, displaying all the maturity of a small child at the sight of his apparent nemesis. I might swoon!

“And she hates me. She is of my Order, an Istari. Leminkkäenin the Black, a Wizard of Aman.”

MG: Alatar, beg pardon, but why exactly do you always add “a Wizard of Aman” every time you introduce yourself or another member of your order? Is that exact phrase what’s on the Istari’s business cards or something?

“What’s she doing here?” Theo asked.
“She was chosen by the Vala Vairë, and sent to the North. There she was seduced and Fell to Ulbandi,” he answered. “She serves as her chief councilor. She is Evil. Powerful and Dark are her Arts.

Arueshalae: And gratuitous her capitals!

Long ago, she passed from the knowledge of all who knew her and was forgotten, long thought lost.

Thalia: Those who didn’t know her, however, remembered her quite well. What a paradox!

Her whereabouts remained unknown in any record and even memory, to all save the Eldar.”

MG: So… roughly half the White Council knew where she was and what she was up to, then, along with various other prominent elf-lords? Not a very good job at hiding, was it? Also, it must be said that LotR goes to great lengths to outline how Saruman fell and what motivated him. Lemminkainen gets barely two sentences. Maybe from another author “the only female Istar also falls to evil so readily,” but considering it’s Polychron…

Also, there’s something kind of weird about the order here, with Lemminkainen entering last as if it’s her presence, not Ulbandi’s, that the most surprising and dramatic? What’s going on there?

The Unfair Sex: 141

“What about that guy in the gold robe?” Fastred asked.

MG: Hmmm; on the one hand, hobbits speaking casually about powerful and legendary people is very much in keeping with Tolkien’s writings, but on the other, “guy” specifically really does feel too modern. I think Tolkien would have used “fellow” instead, if he was writing that line.

“Never mind about him,” Alatar said.

Thalia: Oh, wizard’s in a snit, I see! *beat* And am I the only one to think it odd that our heroes are having this conversation in what is essentially a closet, while hiding from the gathering of their powerful enemies mere feet away?

Ulbandi walked around the table. “I didn’t give much thought to your ambitions, and your few paltry conquests, Emperor Glorfindel, little value to your accomplishments. A few minor kingdoms. A few magic Rings. I gave no thought at all to what might follow. Yet in this gathering, I see such a powerful assemblage of aspiring Masters of Destiny, whom you immediately betrayed while guests under your roof. Such treachery. Unspeakable. I had to come. This is your most extraordinary accomplishment to date.”

Arueshalae: Glorfindel hosted a meeting, to which numerous people arrived without any particular reason or explanation, only for it all to collapse immediately into nonsensical betrayal… and this is his greatest accomplishment? If so, that does not particularly speak well of him, does it?

Glorfindel was terrified. Like Alatar, he had last seen Ulbandi in Aman, unincarnate; a being of vast and terrible Power.

MG: Again, considering the timeline of when Ulbandi and Melkor betrayed the Valar, Glorfindel is nowhere near old enough to remember her, and I can’t imagine when she would have ever lived in Aman.

Uncertain of her intentions, he lifted his head with a strained smile, as if exalting in praise. He had to try and be gracious.

“Thank you, Vala Ulbandi,” he said, duplicitous, with more confidence than he felt. He stood and bowed very low. “I am honored.”

Arueshalae: Attempting politeness is probably wise, when faced with a being of such magnitude, unless you want to fight immediately…

“Yes, Vala I am,” she said, seeing right through him and disgusted. “You see, my little mortal beings, those of you who are mortal, for I see a few of my immortal Children here as well, I have come to share many secrets with you and offer boons. Valarin secrets and boons.”

Thalia: *Ulbandi* Except for you, Estel. You only rate Maiarin boons. Do better next time!

“What secrets and boons would those be?” Incánus asked.

Ulbandi looked passed him, catching sight of Nerdanel’s statue of Melkor. It displayed him chained and kneeling barefoot with his head bowed, humiliated.

“What – is THIS?!” she shouted. Her eyes glowed with a piercing red malevolence. Lifting her hands, they glowed with black fire. Two bolts of black lightning blasted out – shattering the priceless treasure in titanic bursts of broken and smoking marble.

MG: Again, throwing around bolts of energy like this isn’t really the sort of thing one expects from Middle-earth magic. It might work better if she shattered the statue with a word, or even with a barehanded blow – either way seems more fitting.

The queens and kings screamed. But nobody could lift their feet. For long moments, no one spoke. The debris settled to the floor and the noxious stench of rising smoke dissipated.

“Great is the power of Ulbandi,” Incánus said. “Is this the secret you spoke of sharing?”

Arueshalae: That she can… blast… things? That’s… not really much of a “secret” from a godlike being, is it? Perhaps Incanus is mocking her?

“No, greedy Maia,” she answered. “The secrets of my power are not for you.

MG: Incanus thought it best not to point out that he, as a Maia, was also one of the Ainur and took part in the Music, and was less than Ulbandi in stature rather than nature and was fully aware of the origins of her power…

What I have come to reveal is the secret of the Seven Heavens.

Arueshalae: I know some angels who might be better than I at answering such things – unless you would rather learn the secrets of Elysium instead, in which case my beloved might be able to help you?

They have been whispered about by different races since they first awoke. The most ambitious, if not the wisest among you, have sought them unsuccessfully. Watching them wheeling high above your heads unattainably, their secrets have been guarded jealously by Varda. They have never been imagined or revealed–to mortal minds.”

Thalia: The elves, however, knew all about them. Sadly, the secrets of the Seven Heavens were rather dull and underwhelming, so the elves just never talked about them much.

They waited. A few leaned forward.

“The Secret of the Seven Heavens – is not in the Heavens,” she told them.

MG: …is that like Thirty Hs and the moonbase that wasn’t on a moon?

“The secret is, in addition to Seven Heavens wheeling unattainably above your heads, there are Seven Earths, waiting attainably, right beneath your very feet.”

Thalia: So, the secret is not about the Seven Heavens, then? Why not call it the secret of the Seven Earths, then? *is very confused* Are we speaking in code?

Expansion-Pack World: 57

Shock filled the faces of everyone in the room, including Glorfindel’s.

“Below the surface there are seven planetary spheres, just as there are seven above,” Ulbandi told them. “They are called the Gaiaspheres. Each one is a world successively larger than the first. They are separated by great earthen folds, like titanic arches, lifting one level of a temple above another, with as large a width as the skies above this world. Between each of those skies lies a crust, such as the one in which Queen Serpentris and King Lucifugus live.”

MG: And here is where I have to stop and go “wait, what?” Because how is this supposed to be a thing? Need I remind you that in the First Age, Arda wasn’t a round planet but a flat disc… were these worlds already there then? But then, after the Downfall of Numenor, Arda is a round planet – does it somehow contain seven successive worlds each larger than itself? Is it like Khyber in Eberron, where the underground world is home to its own planar realms that don’t obey the laws of nature of the surface world? Just… what is going on here?

Expansion-Pack World: 58

“What are these worlds you speak of?” Lucifugus asked.

The last one anyone would have guessed was first to speak. He and Serpentris were as surprised as the others. They lived in Under-earth, yet had no knowledge of these other realms. The familiar had become strange. They were also in the best position to gain from her news.

They might have to war with each other in order to claim them.

“The first is Líthos, ruled by Genesis, the Protolith, King of Stupidity, Peak of Platitudes.

Arueshalae: Well, he certainly didn’t impress me with his posturing and… rock-racism…

He wars with the Igneous and Sediments for mastery of all that lives and dies, and all that cannot die in the worlds of Under-earth. Many are uninhabited, waiting like vestal virgins, to be ravaged or conquered or plundered, perhaps by one of you.”

Thalia: *weakly* Ah, yes, because we absolutely had to work in a rape metaphor – was that strictly necessary? I don’t think so!

MG: And since when were “vestal virgins” a thing in Middle-earth, anyway? That was a specific Roman priesthood? What Vala even corresponds to Vesta; Este, maybe?

Feel My Edge: 122

“Why not rule them yourself?” Imavich asked.

“I already do,” Ulbandi answered. “The ones that are not empty. In the first crust of Under-earth, where I have lived millennia, I have been creating armies of Nameless Things. They are mightier than dragons, Maiar or Ainur.

Arueshalae: So Ulbandi has been giving birth to creatures more powerful than herself? And aren’t the Maiar just a particular kind of Ainur? What exactly is going on here?

MG: Nonsense, though some of it is probably supposed to be nonsense; while some of what she says is clearly rooted in the “truth,” she’s also a liar.

I want you to populate the rest of the Gaiaspheres. When our armies have grown full and round,

Thalia: The “War of the Rings to End All Wars of the Rings” is actually going to be an eating contest! Who knew?

I will do what only a Vala can do – lead you over the Straight Road to destroy the Valar and murder all who live in the Undying Lands! I will give Valinor to my allies, making you immortal.

MG: That the Undying Lands convey immortality – when in fact, they are merely lands inhabited by the immortals – is a misconception that the Numenoreans of the Second Age had, and that Sauron fanned to manipulate them into doing his bidding. So, not only has Ulbandi not even bothered to come up with her own lies… but there are people in this very room, including Glorfindel himself, who know better. Sorry, Ulbandi, not impressed.

Bigger, Louder, More!: 99

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 178

Once Aman is mine, we will besiege and break the Doors of Night to release Melkor, named by some Morgoth, the father of my Children. Together, we will ascend the thrones of Manwë and Varda, ruling all that is!”

MG: So, you’re just planning to conquer the world, all other worlds, invade the Undying Lands, overthrow the gods, and rule for eternity, all things that nobody in the history of Arda has ever managed to do! So, no pressure😉.

Bigger, Louder, More!: 100

The enormity of what Ulbandi was proposing, until this very moment, had been beyond the wildest imaginings of anyone here, except Glorfindel and Thüringel.

“May I speak, Vala Ulbandi?” Thû asked, head bowed.

“Yes,” Ulbandi said.

“I understand this will be of interest to races such as goblins, gnomes, dwarves, orcs and blind collocoll, who live in caves. The rest of us are creatures of light,” Thû explained. “Our people need the Sun to grow our food, and her heat and light to live.”

“There are Suns beneath the Earth,” Ulbandi told them. “There are whispered rumors of them among your scrolls and records, hidden in the languages of your own people. The daughters of Arien and Tilion, the Tyrannies, drive their burning chariots through the open skies between the lands of Tantalum, Cethyria, Tullares; all the worlds of Gaiaspheria, except Líthos.”

Arueshalae: If I didn’t know better, I’d assume this almost ritualized call and response was scripted…

MG: And while Tilion does seem to have been somewhat infatuated with Arien and her beauty, there is no indication they ever had any sort of relationship, much less children!

Expansion-Pack World: 60

Loremaster’s Headache: 502

“If there are Suns between these worlds driven by mighty Vala charioteers, as Arien drives the Chariot of the Sun, what of water?” King Corhynchus of the Sal-men asked.

Thalia: King who of the what now?

MG: No idea. I believe this is the only time this character is mentioned.

Expansion-Pack World: 62

“There are oceans in the Gaiaspheres,” Ulbandi answered. “Filtered by the soil of the Spheres above, the waters are free of salt. All of them are fresh and teem with life. Fresh fish and fresh creatures, akin to dolphins, seals and whales for you to make your servants or skin and eat. These freshwater oceans are smaller than on the surface. So Under-earth is far more habitably extensive and more fertile. They have lain fallow for millennia, waiting for tillers to grow food.”

“You say there are Suns,” King Sciolius asked. “Are there Moons?”

MG: Again, no idea.

Arueshalae: And the longer this goes on, the more it feels choreographed – I believe Ulbandi is putting on a show, but for who?

Expansion-Pack World: 64

“An excellent question,” Ulbandi answered. “Because the surface world is struck by the light of Tilion, it absorbs his madness, as well as the controlling effects of the planets of the Seven Heavens.

Thalia: The Heavens do influence more than we realize… though I am unsure how much of that applies to Middle-earth?

In Under-earth, the skies and oceans are tranquil. The people are not controlled by the Heavens. They are free to choose for themselves their own destinies. There are no Moons, no storms, no winter winds, no squalls or tornadoes. Women do not bleed. There is only peace.”

Arueshalae: *shaking her head* All of that, because there is no moon? How curious. But I can tell you that in the Abyss, there is no moon – and to me, the moon and the stars became the signs of my liberation, not my enslavement (and while my knowledge of mortal anatomy is, as we’ve already noted, limited, if women don’t bleed, can they conceive? Because that could be a problem down the line if not).

“I would like to see this Under-earth,” Imavich said.

“Are there rains?” Sciolius asked.

“Yes,” Ulbandi answered. “Except for Líthos, the last of the Gaiaspheres. From Center- earth, the fires of Tantalum rise in cones throughout the rest, bringing clouds. Some come to the surface, as in Mordor.” Ulbandi turned to Glorfindel and Thüringel. “Is this not true?”

“It is indeed,” Thüringel affirmed.

Thalia: But I thought Mount Doom was the Nexus of All Realities, and now it’s a connection to the fires of… Center-Earth? Or is it both? I’m so very confused…

“In the Gaiaspheres,” Ulbandi told them, “temperate clouds drift throughout the skies, bringing gentle rains without storms.”

“This sounds better than the Isle of Gift,” Sciolius said. “The lost wonders of Númenor.”

“The realms of Under-earth are,” Ulbandi affirmed. “It was from my Gaiaspheres that the Valar stole the land of Númenor. Just the tiniest part, a single valley they pinched and pushed to the surface. Yet it was more full of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, silver, copper and gold than any land except the peaks of the Misty Mountains.”

Arueshalae: *flatly* I don’t believe you. Laying it on rather thick are we, Ulbanid?

She lifted her heavy mithril chain and pendent. It glittered against her black armor. It was set with the largest and most dazzling white and black diamonds they had ever seen. “And mithril. Mithril and diamonds. Fields and plains, where mithril ores rise like trees. Down through the skies of Under-earth, ejected by erupting volcanos, diamonds fall like rain. Diamonds are only born in Under-earth, in the realm of Asthenḗs.”

“She speaks the truth!” Inaequalis said, the Igneous King of the Stone-men.

The others cried out. A few who had sat back down jumped up, but they still couldn’t lift their feet. They had thought him a statue or unmoving Guardian Stone, not a living thing that could move and speak.

All Sporkers: *facepalm again*

“Who are you?” Queen Amensula asked.

MG: *sighs* See previous comments.

Expansion-Pack World: 65

“I am Inaequalis the Xenolith, King of Asthenḗs,” he answered. “I rule the Igneous in Perfidy under Ulbandi. It is in my realms the diamonds grow. If I wish, I can stop the flow.”

MG: People have already mentioned in the comments how this reminds them of the deep realms below Narnia as depicted in The Silver Chair, and this… is not doing anything to deflect that comparison.

Ulbandi fingered the glittering black and white diamonds on her large pendent. “Do not trouble the mortal queens and kings, King Inaequalis.”

He bowed awkwardly and stiffly. “Your wish is my command, Valier Ulbandi.”

“How do we find the roads to these worlds?” Imavich asked.

Thalia: Start digging and hope for the best?

“They sound like paradise,” King Fainéant wondered aloud.

Expansion-Pack World: 66

“Indeed they are,” Ulbandi told him. “Melkor was the earth-wright who forged this world.

MG: That’s Aule erasure, and I won’t stand for it!

The worlds beneath are his masterpiece. He made them the paradise we call Eden.

MG: “Eden” not being a term that exists in Middle-earth – as we’ve noted before, Tolkien very specifically avoided going into detail about humanity’s earliest days or Arda’s version of the Fall of Man.

Loremaster’s Headache: 503

They were intended for the Edain. But Eru knew if the Men and Elves awakened to such wonders, they would worship us instead of him.

MG: Which is obviously why Eru demands very little direct worship, outside of a handful of very specific rituals given by specific people and specific places and times, while most prayers we see in canon are directed at one Vala or another? Clearly, this is a deity desperate for worship. *eyeroll*

Thus, he has warred with us since the Beginning. The Children of Melkor awakened early, so great were the wonders awaiting them and so eager were their spirits to experience them. At the time, only the first terribly-flawed realm of the surface world was finished. Yet those on the surface still worshipped us. So jealous were the Valar, they hurtled meteors and stones, striking the surface and poisoning the oceans with salt, killing whole populations and reshaping the land. In Valinor, they thought Melkor and I had gone into the Void. They were wrong! We traveled to Under-earth where we were not disturbed. Applying our full ripened skill, we set about perfecting the masterpieces of the Seven Under-earths. By myself, I have just completed them. This is what has brought me to the surface and to you.”

“She’s lying,” Elanor whispered to Eldarion, safe in their hidden room.

“Yes she is,” Eldarion affirmed.

Arueshalae: What gave her away? Speaking as a practiced liar myself, it is always best to make your lies believable by including as much truth as possible. This… is simply nonsense.

“Beneath our feet,” Thû told her, “it is said there is only fire and ice.”

Thalia: Fire, yes. Ice… I’m unsure of, unless Arda’s structure is quite different from the world I know?

“It was Ilúvatar who lied to the Children of Melkor,” she said. “He told you the worlds beneath your feet were full of pain and terror, loneliness and death. He wanted to control you.

MG: It’s not as if Melkor didn’t create Utumno and Angband which might have fueled peoples’ fear of underground realms of anything – that would just be crazy. Seriously, Ulbandi is spinning bald-faced lies to people who know better. Again, I remain unimpressed.

He said you had no choice. You could fall beneath the ground and experience the pain and loneliness of Under-earth, or you could suffer on the surface. Either way, you had to live a short span of years in suffering and pain, then die, traveling beyond the Doors of Night into the Void. There, great wonders wait. He said. Unfortunately, Ilúvatar, the God of Gods, the God of all that is, all that was, and all that shall ever be, could not describe these wonders. The omniscient, omnipotent God of All could not find a way: not with words, visions, not even dreams. Perhaps he would in time. Give him a millennium.” She paused, letting her words sink in. Such was the enchanting power of a Vala. “It has now been millennia of millennia. Ilúvatar, the God of All, has failed to find the words to describe the wonders, He claims, to have already created.”

Arueshalae: *raises her hand* I was under the impression that what exists for mortals after death was intended to be a mystery? And that Iluvatar almost never communicates directly with the inhabitants of Arda in any case? So I do believe you are overstating this matter quite a lot!

MG: And honestly, this is just feeling like a more convoluted version of Sauron’s pitch to Ar-Pharazon about Melkor, “Lord of All and Giver of Freedom,” except he proposed that Eru simply didn’t exist at all and was a concoction of the Valar. Seriously, Ulbandi, get better material (especially since a number of the people gathered here aren’t even mortal – and just what are Thu and Tevildo, exactly? – including the ringleaders, and therefore presumably have no interest in your pitch?) and you should probably also get out of Neal Adams’ stash.

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 180

“He lies!” Sciolius shouted, slamming his fist down on the table.

“He lied then and He lies now,” Ulbandi told them. “Ever has He lied to you, to me, to all who live. The wonders of paradise are here, lying beneath your feet. But cowed and living in the fear of Ilúvatar, the other Valar stood silent, while the poor duped and deceived Fathers and Mothers of Collocoll, Dwarves, Gnomes, Pygmies, Hobbits and Men ‘chose’ the ‘Gift’ of Men, to die.

MG: Uh, no. The Gift (or doom) of Men is inherent to humanity (and presumably also to human subspecies, like hobbits; dwarves are also mortal, though we’re not given Aule’s logic for making them that way or if he could have made them immortal if he wanted, nor do we know their fate after death); nobody “chose” it (except Luthien and later Elros) though the Sil indicates that some of the elves became so weary of the world they wished they could have!

Yet the Valar, Ainur, Maiar, Elves, Orcs, Stones, Giants, Ents, Huorns, Kôr and Îkor, Balrogs, High and low, Goblins, Trolls, Vampires, Wargs, Werewolves, too many Nameless Things to count – none of them die. Yet most of you here in this room – do.”

MG: …most of those creatures are just forms of Ainur, and others, like orcs and goblins, are synonyms; you’re slipping, Ulbandi (and since Hurons are feral trees, I would presume that like mundane trees they are mortal, just very long-lived). And I thought the “Kor” were Ulbandi’s “were-men”; are they something different now? Something that’s immortal, even? And I’m still waiting on an explanation for “Ikor.”

She paused, drinking in their riotous emotions, their anger and fury. She delighted in creating Chaos.

Arueshalae: Once I did as well. But Chaos is a cruel, fickle mistress, and brings you so little satisfaction in the end.

“You are forced to pass unmourned and unremembered into the Void. There waits no Paradise. I know. I am the only one who has voyaged beyond the Doors of Night!”

Shock filled the faces of the queens and kings. The evidence of so many races which were immortal while they weren’t, the presence of Inaequalis and the collocoll queen and king proving the truth of everything Ulbandi was telling them, filled their hearts with rage and hatred.

Thalia: You people are very easily deceived; I feel sorry for you. Then again, perhaps Ulbandi is using her powers as a Valie to make sure they don’t question her? It would be nice to know, if so…

“While all unwilling, the poor duped and deceived Men have held out their grasping, desperate hands. You accept your deaths willingly, just like these queens and kings who accepted Glorfindel’s Rings. You have lived as the slaves of Ilúvatar, and Death, his hidden and only true eternal love. She is the reason he does all that he does… since the Beginning.”

Arueshalae: *blankly* Now death is female? Has Pharasma entered Arda? Will Mandos appreciate the competition?

Loremaster’s Headache: 505

The gathered rulers gasped. More slammed their fists down, outraged.

Thalia: Mostly because this was becoming so metaphysical they couldn’t understand a word of it, but it really did sound quite bad!

“The collocoll tried to flee. Ilúvatar stopped them halfway down. They were not allowed to complete their journey or experience the wonders of Edens. They live in the first of the crusts. Collocoll, like Men above, live lives full of pain and unrewarded toil, full of misery and grief, only to die, to the great delight of Ilúvatar, whom you still worship. It should now be clear, he has kept you the lowest of the low for the sport of his only love and mistress – Death.”

MG: No, no, no. Ulbandi, I’m sorry, you’re very confused – you’ve somehow mixed up Eru Iluvatar with Thanos the Mad Titan. An easy mistake/s.

“How do we reach these lands of plenty and escape Ilúvatar and Death?” Gothmog asked. “You need my permission,” Ulbandi answered. “Only I can show you the Doors to these Roads. Only I can guide you through the endless mazes of Under-earth. Only I can open the borders to the lands of plenty, the Edens, which have been waiting beneath your feet.”

Arueshalae: *flatly* Yes, very convenient, that.

First one, then another, and soon almost all the great and terrible queens and kings of the surface world kneeled before her.

“Please, Valier Ulbandi,” Imavich beseeched. “Tell us what you require and lead us to these lands.”

Thalia: So, Ulbandi… is leading all the villains away to conquer some other place we’ve never heard of and don’t care about, and presumably to leave Middle-earth alone forever (unless she still plans to conquer Aman someday, which seems… improbable)? Am I understanding this right? *beat* Are we sure she’s actually the villain here?

Gothmog, and a few others, did not kneel. “How do we know we can trust you?”

Arueshalae: At least someone here is asking that?

“You don’t need to trust me,” she told him. “Come and see or send your kin. Whomever you trust to report back truthfully the things they have seen, who are brave enough to pass through the halls of Collocolly, Eidolon and Under-earth to the lands of Eden. The Lands of Plenty. The lands originally intended for the Edain, which the Edain disdained. This is where ‘disdain’ comes from. From them. The Edain. The ones who disdain.”

Thalia: …you made that up.

MG: If it needs to be said, “Edain” is the Sindarin form of “Atani,” humans, though it came to be applied specifically to the Three Houses that first came to Beleriand. It has nothing to do with “disdain,” one way or another.

Linguistic Confusions: 54

Gothmog signaled his guards to leave ahead of him, to make it clear he wouldn’t oppose her: none of them could move. He kneeled, humbling himself before her. “Thank you, Vala Ulbandi. But I must beg you to release me and return to my poor halls, without your gifts.”

“You are Gothmog, King of Orcs.” She looked into his hideously deformed body. “Your corruptions are... beguiling. Abominations are the inheritors of the Earths, which is where you all come from. Before now, you’ve never known. You are all Abominations: corruptions of the generations which came before. But you, Gothmog – I insist. You must be the first to infest Eden with your magnificently damaged and unequally twisted strain of Orc.”

Arueshalae: Please. I’ve known demons who were less subtle about their love for corruption than that – I remain convinced that Ulbandi has never even heard of the concept of subtlety!

Gothmog looked about fearfully. “Why me?”

Thalia: Maybe you shouldn’t have drawn attention to yourself?

“Because I am the Queen of Abominations,” she answered. “Yet I have never seen so great an abomination as you! You are the descendent of the incestuous inter-breedings of not only the corrupted Elves who became Orcs, but uncounted generations of incestuous Orcs. Kin on kin: first cousins, brothers and sisters, father-daughters, mother-sons. You are the father of – ” she turned, for the first time noticing Estel. “You!”

“That twisted thing…” Estel asked, in horror, “is my… father?”

MG: Okay, so I do have to wonder – Estel knows that his father was an orc king who raped his mother, right? And he also, clearly, has no problem with rape himself, considering how he never freaking shuts up about doing it, and apparently has done it often enough to literally sire a whole army. So… is his only horror here that his father is ugly? He’s evil and shallow! Also, apologies for the HP reference, but I can’t help but think of that “Head of Black” fic and how it had an extended tangent about how the whole Malfoy family history was nothing but a parade of rape, incest, pedophilia and slavery over the course of generations when hearing about Gothmog’s origins. Clearly, some writers just never learn that sometimes enough is enough, and eventually a parade of atrocities stops being shocking and just becomes gross, dull and trite.

Feel My Edge: 124

“YES!” Ulbandi cried. They couldn’t see her face, but she felt a joy she hadn’t known in Ages. “You are the son of Gothmog and Celebrían, daughter of Galadriel, Queen of Elves, wife of Elrond, born in Númenor, taken prisoner and tormented by this sweet and charming meat.”

MG: Now I’m just reminded of how the Reach in the Young Justice cartoon call all other species “meat.” Ulbandi’s a fraud – she’s no Vala, she’s an alien infiltrator!

“That I did!” Gothmog exclaimed. He was full of wonder at the far distant memory. It was a dark delight so long ago, it had been forgotten. “I will never forget her beautiful flesh.”

All Sporkers: *sigh in disgust*

Feel My Edge: 125

Behind the mirror, Elladan and Elrohir glowered with murderous hatred and malice.

Ulbandi’s dark eyes grew darker, drinking in the obscene essence of Estel. He was the offspring of rape and this vile abomination, born of violence and pain. Her body was inflamed with a terrible burning desire to take his pain – and amplify it.

MG: Actually, I take back my earlier comment – clearly, Ulbandi is actually Odium from the Stormlight Archive.

“You are the vile corruption of uncounted generations of incestuous Orcs, joined to the purest light of High Elves.”

“You are… my father,” Estel said, horrified by the deformity of Gothmog.

Arueshalae: *sighing* Yes, I think we’ve been over this – Estel, are you well? Clearly not, I suppose, considering all you’ve done, but even so…

“I care not,” Gothmog sneered, drawing himself up, indignant. “I already have too many sons! Too many to count. They all want the same thing: my crown. No doubt you will too. You cannot have it!”

Estel looked away and his eyes met Ulbandi’s. Peering out her helm, they stared deep into his own. He realized she desired him.

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 69

But Ulbandi wasn’t to Estel’s liking at all.

From the moment she walked in, she had blustered, bragged and swaggered like a Man. She spoke like a Man, demanded like a Man, and commanded the attention of everyone in the room like no Man he’s ever known.

MG: Okay, one, has Estel never seen or imagined a proud, powerful woman before? Two, “Man” with a capital “M” means “human,” not male; I don’t think Ulbandi’s been acting like a human. But here, behold the one thing that horrifies Estel, the evil greater than his own that he cannot master or defeat… a woman too powerful for him to rape. Isn’t this fic so much fun, and so classy, and truly the perfect sequel to LotR?

Feel My Edge: 126

The Unfair Sex: 142

Even Glorfindel feared, groveled and now shamelessly courted her with desperate flattery and transparent lies.

Beholding the horror of these treacherous queens and kings whose livelihood was horror, casting themselves down on their knees, utterly surveille, gibbering like the weak and frightened Men they were – before a woman.

It disgusted him.

MG: See what I mean? And, if you want to be technical, she’s not a woman, as such, she’s a Valie. She is Power, with a capital P, a spirit that has existed since before the world was made, though she currently wears mortal flesh as a cloak. I don’t think Polychron has done a good job of conveying all that, mind, but I’d think even the most misogynistic of men ought to realize, this is not a being you antagonize and walk away from.

The Unfair Sex: 143

Her power; bending light, pulling gravity – terrified him. She was nothing like any woman he had ever seen, taken or had ever wanted, nor ever would. Not prim or dainty, demure or timid, the kind of woman he took whenever he had a mind to take one, which was often.

Feel My Edge: 127

He killed them with his deadly attentions and lethal lusts. Or for a few, turning their screams of terror and pain into pleasure, because they were that desperate to survive.

Arueshalae: *snarls with sudden and unexpected rage* Do we even need to explain why that is vile?

Feel My Edge: 128

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 71

The Unfair Sex: 144

Ulbandi would not ask. She would take, as only he had taken. He did not like the thought of that at all. He was thoroughly repulsed. The thought of trying to couple with her sickened him. He would never allow himself to be on the receiving end of the torments he inflicted on women.

But he would have preferred even that than her trying to love him. He would cut his own throat before he let her try. He could not have been more horrified than if she was a bloated dead thing decomposing on the road and hosting colonies of maggots.

MG: So… yeah. Again, the one thing that terrifies Estel, that makes him think he’s met his match encountered an evil even greater than his own… is a powerful woman who desires him instead of the other way around (and yes, clearly he’s horrified by the idea of being raped himself… but he’s also clear that he hates the idea of her loving him consensually even more). And Polychron describes his thought process in such loving detail for us, too! And, of course, Estel is a villain – we’re not supposed to like him, or agree with him. But, as with so much of how this character is portrayed, I’m feeling like the fic can’t make up its mind. Is he serious or goofy? Is he sympathetic and tragic, or pure evil? Are we supposed to agree with him that this is horrifying, or consider it ironic karma? I just do not know what Polychron is trying to get at here, save that it’s incredibly gross and disturbing and I hate it so much.

Feel My Edge: 130

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 72

The Unfair Sex: 145

His skin crawled and his mind went white, but his feet were frozen. He stayed, just as the others stayed. When she first entered, he had been terrified she’d take his Ring. Now he wished all she wanted was his Ring. At last, he understood the true meaning of obscene.

Arueshalae: Yes, a powerful, dominant woman who doesn’t fear being raped. Truly, obscene. *gives a venomous hiss that sounds like nothing that ever came from a human throat*

The Unfair Sex: 146

“I care not for your lands,” Estel told Gothmog, though he clearly did. “I want one thing and one thing only: revenge on Arwen and her kin!”

Thalia: You’re her half-brother, so you want… revenge on yourself? That seems like a strange goal, but if you’re committed to it!

“You mean the Queen Arwen who is a prisoner in our dungeon?” Thüringel asked.

“Arwen is here?!” Estel cried, straining against Ulbandi’s spell. She released everyone.

He jumped to his feet and drew his sword. His blood lust rose and he turned on Gothmog.

“You’re the reason I was born among the Elves and cast into the Wilds to die alone!”

Thalia: Didn’t you leave voluntarily as an adult after your sister rejected your advances? That seems like a pertinent detail?

“Have a care, whelp,” Gothmog warned. He drew his own sword. “I am a King! I command legions. With one word, I’ll destroy the lands you war over in Rhûn and all the lands between, son or no son. Make one ill-considered move and I will crush you. Then my legions will eradicate every Orcelven you have ever birthed!”

MG: And clearly, this orc warlord we’ve only just heard of has the power to conquer the massive region that is Rhun (and I think the word you’re looking for is “sired,” not “birthed”).

Expansion-Pack World: 67

“He is your father,” Ulbandi laughed. She reveled in the terror and chaos she’s unleashed, knowing it would live in their hearts for the rest of their immortal lives, with just her words, unintentionally. It was so rich. Too rich. Exactly as she would have wished, if she had planned it, which she hadn’t. That made this unlooked for feast of horrors even sweeter. “If any other orc had infested Celebrían’s womb, your Elvish blood would have overcome the influence. So Elrond must have believed, allowing you to be born. But it was no regular orc who sired you, or produced the wonder of sickness and contagion you spread like an infection with your loins. Only the deformed and twisted Gothmog, the incestuous offspring of incests beyond count could produce the wonder of the dark corrupted horror of Estel.”

MG: Gah, now this is just making me think of Mists of Avalon, except instead of generations of incest to breed the perfectly royal heir, it’s generations of incest to breed the ultimate orc! What the hells, Polychron? And, what, if Gothmog had been less evil (or less inbred?), his sperm wouldn’t have been able to impregnate Celebrian? I… don’t think anything works like that?

Estel’s monstrous roar shook the room. Leaping over the table, he lifted his sword to kill Gothmog. This was exactly what Glorfindel had been waiting for. He’d missed Ulbandi’s desire for the Orcelven, hidden beneath her helm.

Other than creating more Nazgûl and annexing Kingdoms, conquest made easy, he’d brought these rulers together to ensnare as many Rings of Power as he could.

Arushalae: *jumping to her feet and flaring her wings, nearly knocking Thalia off her chair* ENOUGH! Have you not enough of those… trinkets… already? Can we not move the story to something… anything… else!?

Rings-a-Palooza: 207

What made this all the sweeter, was not just that another of his brilliantly conceived and flawlessly executed plans had succeeded in drawing a plentitude of Rings, putting him one step closer to eclipsing Vala like Ulbandi, and the day he would no longer fear even Ilúvatar; but he hated Estel and the Orcelven even more than he loathed orcs: they were close in kin, yet a vile corruption.

Thalia: *whispering* Glorfindel still thinks he can come out on top even as a being vastly more powerful than he has come into the room and put him in his place – well, at least he has confidence? Little wisdom, but confidence?

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 181

Glorfindel drew his sword and launched himself savagely at Estel to intercept him before the egg, run him through and take his Ring. “Die you filthy Orc!”

Arueshalae: Yes, die, you filthy orc I’ve taken into my home and feasted at my table and could have killed at any time, but now I’ve decided I want you dead after all for… some reason?

“Stop!” Ulbandi cried. The light dimmed, gravity bent and everyone froze in mid-motion. She stepped up to Estel. “Tell me, my sweet abomination, what you want, and it shall be done.”

Thalia: I… I just want this story over, my lady? Is that something you can do? I’ll be your warlock, even, if you’ll just end this story now!

Even though she was all that stood between him and the death awaiting him on the tip of Glorfindel’s sword, so great was his revulsion, Estel, the Prince of Lies,

MG: And apparently Estel is Satan now (or possibly Cyric). Melkor and Sauron aren’t going to be happy with you…

could not lie and say he wanted her or could even stand her. He’d kill Glorfindel himself. “Release me!”

Sensing his desire, she released everyone except Glorfindel.

Estel roared and launched himself at Glorfindel’s frozen, helpless form.


“Come, fair Prince,” Thüringel said. She stepped between them growing gigantic. Scooping up Estel, she held him firmly in her giant hands.

MG: This… just… Thuringel can turn into a giant now. I guess that’s just something she can do. Is she related to Piccolo, by chance? Just… I give up. It’s too much. I want this over.

Having recognized how greatly Ulbandi prized the Orcelven Prince, she pulled his sword away gently and tossed it aside, well clear of Glorfindel. “Can’t we all be friends?”

Arueshalae: Ah, yes, what’s a little attempted murder and enslavement between friends?

“Queen Thüringel,” Ulbandi commanded. “My lovely Child.

MG: I have legitimately no idea if this is meant to be literal or metaphorical.

Take your lover Glorfindel and Prince Estel outside. I will speak with these queens and kings alone. Then we will speak.”

Thüringel picked Glorfindel up in her other hand and curtsied. “Yes, Valier Ulbandi.”

Thalia: Isn’t it Valie, singular?

MG: *sighs heavily* Yes it is. And the good news is, the chapter is, finally, done! And what a parade of nonsense it was! Just an absolute firehose of nonsense; from Glorfindel assembling a goofy Legion of Doom from a bunch of minor villains we’ve heard of, and others we haven’t, to his plan to manipulate them seeming to immediately dissolve into violence, to Ulbandi suddenly showing up and launching into an infodump about the “Gaiaspheres” that seems to be about half nonsense in-universe, to learning far more than we ever wanted to know about Estel’s family history and sexual hangups. All while our heroes were, again, hiding in what’s essentially a glorified closet! And again, I’m just left with a lot of questions about Glorfindel’s new allies. “Thu” seems to be the next most powerful after Swahilloguz, Glorfindel and Thuringel themselves, and if he’s not an incarnation of Sauron, who is he? Maia? Elf? Black Numenorean? Something else? Same goes for Tevildo! And why did Swahilloguz just vanish partway through the chapter, anyway, speaking of him? Why did a certain balrog, werewolf and wizard who came with Ulbandi seem to do the same? And who are all these minor characters Polychron seems to expect us to know and care about but who he’s never bothered actually introducing? Just… what is even going on here anymore?

*sighs heavily* Well, we’re almost done. Just three more chapters to go, though one is a long one. Next time, its’ the battle for “Glorfindell” and the rescue of Arwen. We’ll see you then! Our counts stand at:

Bigger, Louder, More!: 100

Expansion-Pack World: 67

Feel My Edge: 130

Happy Ending Override: 31

Linguistic Confusions: 54

Loremaster’s Headache: 505

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 73

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 181

Rings-a-Palooza: 207

Take That, Tolkien!: 54

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 67

The Unfair Sex: 146