Fellowship of the King Book II Chapter Ten: The Fall of Gondolin, Refounded

[masterghandalf]

This is a repost from Das_sporking2. Previous installments of this sporking may be found here.

Warning: This chapter contains violence, deaths, misogyny, discussion of mind control, mention of rape, some homophobia and a group of characters discussing their genitalia.



MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Demetrious Polychron’s Fellowship of the King! Last time, Glorfindel assembled the Legion of Doom, most of whom are irrelevant side-characters plus a few of greater importance, betrayed said guests in a rather confusing manner, and Ulbandi crashed the party and delivered a lot of exposition that was only mostly lies (but was all nonsense nonetheless). Oh, and our heroes were essentially hiding in a glorified closet for all of this. Yay. Today, it’s time to rescue Arwen and have what’s essentially the fic’s second climax (the battle at Weathertop being the first) along with a couple of the absolute strangest and most inexplicable moments in the whole story (which is saying something!). Joining us today will be, for what will probably be the last time, Arueshalae, together with Kasanari!

Chapter 10: The Fall Of Gondolin, Refounded

Arueshalae: I think that title is what the mortals call a spoiler! Also, the way it’s phrased makes it sound like the fall of Gondolin is what’s been refounded, not the city itself… how odd.

It had grown late. Except for guards, the large Meeting Room lay quiet and deserted. Behind the mirror the twins vanished, leaving the others safe in the hidden room.

MG: Ah, yes, the fabled “Meeting Room,” truly the most famous of chambers in the House of Elrond! Which does make me wonder – is this supposed to be the same as the porch where the Council of Elrond was held? The banquet hall where Frodo ate the evening after he was cured from the Morgul-blade? The Hall of Fire, where the elves gathered to share tales, songs and poetry? Somewhere else? Clearly Glorfindel hadn’t renovated enough to discover the secret passage they were hiding in, at least.

Invisible and shielding their power and presence, they searched Imladris high and low for Gothmog. They were consumed with a rage the likes of which they had not felt in years. Learning the orcs had been among the first to leave the valley, they went in search of Arwen.

Kasanari: Now, on the one hand, I can fully understand the twins’ burning desire to avenge their mother’s torture and rape… but on the other, should it really take precedence over rescuing their still-living sister? Gothmog will keep, but Glorfindel or Thuringel might decide to have Arwen executed at any time, for all you know! Then again, it is the Murder Twins, so perhaps this is to be expected?

It took them much longer than they would have thought to find the dungeons of Glorfindell. There were too many new, ugly and indistinguishable buildings in their once fair and pristine valley. When they finally did, Arwen’s Easterling guards died instantly from silent, invisible dagger thrusts. Her jailers fell noiselessly to the ground. A ring of keys rose, as if floating. One inserted itself in the heavy iron door and turned the lock. The door swung open.

Arueshalae: …that was almost insultingly easy. I helped raid Baphomet’s Ineluctable Prison; compared to that, Glorfindel might as well have stuffed Arwen in a pantry and hung a cheap, store-bought lock on the door for all the good this did.

The twins appeared before Arwen. It was one of the greatest surprises and joys of her life.

“Elrohir!” she whispered. Tears filled her eyes. “Elladan!”

Kasanari: Unfortunately, in her shock, she got their names backwards. That was very awkward.

Elrohir put his finger to her lips and wiped away the dried blood from the cut on her face.

Elladan unlocked her shackles.

“They have harmed you,” Elrohir whispered.

Kasanari: No! I would’ve thought Glorfindel would have put her in comfortable accommodations and invited her over every day for tea! Indeed, one could argue that locking her up like this in what was once her own home counts as “harming her” enough by itself…

“Yes,” she whispered back. “We will speak of this later. I trust you have a plan?”’

“Meow.”

Arueshalae: …that’s your plan? I suppose I must admit, reluctantly, that the twins seem to know what they’re doing, but… I have questions.

Walking in a circle around the cell entrance was Grimalkin, the black Master-cat of Tevildo.

Arueshalae: Does the Master-cat bear the Master-ring and the Master-stone, by chance? Perhaps Poylchron should consider being a bit more creative when it comes to naming things?

MG: And Grimalkin, really? Polychron just had to choose perhaps the most stereotypical name for an evil cat possible, didn’t he? You know, if he really wanted to be clever he could have named the cat “Oikeroi,” which was the name the Lost Tales give to Tevildo’s chief minion (who seems to have morphed into Draugluin in subsequent drafts of the tale of Beren and Luthien, when the role of the evil cats in the story was replaced with werewolves).

Linguistic Confusions: 55 (“Grimalkin” is a real-world, albeit archaic, term that I don’t think belongs as a proper name in Middle-earth)

The three of them froze. The cat purred. He grated the sharp, pointed iron studs on his thick gold collar against the edge of the prison door. Looking back and forth between them, Grimalkin ran deeper into the dungeon. After a moment’s hesitation, the twins followed.

Kasanari: Wait, I thought Arwen was in one of the new outbuildings… but it’s apparently a full-sized dungeon? That is not what I was picturing!

“Where are you going?” Arwen asked. “The exit is this way!”

“Do you not hear?” Elladan asked.

“Elladan?” a voice called again, from somewhere deeper in the dungeon. The twins vanished.

A minute later, a floating key opened the door to another cell. Inside, a beautiful red haired Elvish princess in a dirty disheveled gown backed away fearfully from the entrance.

“Drendelen!” Elladan cried. He reappeared before her.

Arueshalae: …I suppose it was inevitable that the great sculptor we’ve heard so much about would eventually enter the story in person? Though I honestly had no idea she was still in Middle-earth, much less in Rivendell…

“Is it really you?” she asked, wide-eyed and afraid. She shrank back in terror.

Kasanari: …honestly, that seems like an entirely reasonable response to meeting Elladan.

He kneeled before her, one hand over his heart. Holding his other hand up, his empty palm opened in invitation to lead her from the dungeon.

Arueshalae: Ah, yes. The one thing that reassures every traumatized captive that you have honorable intentions – charades!

Fearfully, she took his hand.

He rose and looked into her eyes. She collapsed in his arms. He held her trembling form and gently stroked her dirty, tangled hair. She sobbed against his shoulder and shook.

Kasanari: While I’m relieved that Drendelen has been rescued, I do have to worry we've just met the twins’ love interest – who, based on earlier comments, would presumably be expected to marry them both. Lovely.

* * * * *

After Ulbandi spoke to the assembled queens and kings, she received their pledges of fealty and servitude. Commanding them to return to their kingdoms, they left to gather their armies and make preparations to invade Under-earth.

Arueshalae: So, the villains have been misled – because much of what Ulbandi said was false or deceptive – into abandoning Middle-earth and invading another realm which we neither have reason to know or care about… and this is a bad thing? I’m so confused…

Riding away, they were delighted beyond words. They had by the merest happenstance escaped Glorfindel’s treachery and instead found themselves allied with a Vala.

Kasanari: “Allied” here having the meaning of “subjugated by,” if my experience with powerful empire-builders (which is… more than I would like) is to go by. And of course, that only happened because Glorfindel was an impatient ninny in the first place who backstabbed his “allies” immediately rather than playing a longer game and ensnaring them in secret, as his predecessor did…

A few by long arraignment had agreed to meet in secret.

In another building in a windowless room, Inaequalis met with Tevildo, Lord of Cats.

“Glorfindel has promised you have found a weapon that can slay Genesis.”

Arueshalae: Based on Genesis’s arrogance and racism, I’m not sure that’s a bad thing?

“It was a difficult problem,” Tevildo said. He stroked the fur of his collarless white cat. “The answer was in the ‘Parma Kuluina.’” He waited for a reaction. Inaequalis didn’t react. “It is a book written by the Eldar of the history of Elder Days, kept on the island of Tol Eressëa. We were fortunate. Had the Parma Kuluina been in Valinor proper, a copy would never have left those shores. Fortunately, Gildor took a few books with him to pass the time during his long voyage on his return to Middle-earth.” He set the Parma Kuluina on the table before Inaequalis.

“I do not read human languages,” Inaequalis said, noting Tevildo’s Ring of Power.

MG: So, the Parma Kuluina, literally “Golden Book,” is, surprisingly, an actual thing mentioned at various points in the History of Middle-earth – it’s a history of Arda that is indeed kept by the Eldar on Eressea; it was read by the mariner Eriol/Aelfwine in the Lost Tales, and consulted by the loremaster Pengolodh when he composed the in-universe “Quenta Silmarillion” in later texts. But it was in Quenya, which is an elvish language, not a human one (or is Inaequalis meant to be that ignorant?) and even setting aside that Gildor was not, in any version of the story I know, a messenger sent from Eressea alongside Glorfindel, taking what sounds like the actual book and not a copy for glorified light reading on his voyage sounds astonishingly reckless. And I’m still left wondering just who, or what, Polychron’s Tevildo even is, to be so familiar with all of this stuff that should be largely beyond the ken of mortals. Maybe he is a Maia.

Linguistic Confusions: 56

Loremaster’s Headache: 506

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 182 (why did you lug the legendary historical tome back to Middle-earth with you, Gildor?)

“I wasn’t sure,” Tevildo explained, petting his cat. “I didn’t want to deny you the opportunity, if you did. In an effort to be prepared, I took the liberty of finding the pertinent passages when Emperor Glorfindel first contacted me regarding your needs many months ago. After too much effort to bother recounting, and great expense, my feline companions were able to track down and we procured this.” Beside the book, he set a black, heavy, jagged wedge- shaped stone on the table with a heavy thud. It had a Stone-man sized handle.

“What is it?” Inaequalis asked. He could see it was meant for stabbing.

Arueshalae: But in this, as in so many other things, he was wrong. It was actually recovered from the hoard of Smaug, and was in fact a dragon-sized toenail file.

This alone would not ensure it was capable of harming Genesis.

“It is a pyroclastic xenocrist, named Klastos,” Tevildo answered. “They were created by the Vala Oromë. One was stolen by Melkor. He had them mass produced before the War of Wrath, where a great many Stone-men died.

MG: Remember that per the Sil, the greatest creations of even beings of great power like the Valar can only be made once. Even considering that this “xenocrist” probably isn’t on level with the Two Trees or the Silmarils, it’s probably not the sort of thing that could be easily “mass-produced.”

This one was kept by Sauron in the Armory of Barad-dûr. He infused it with his deadliest enchantments. After his Fall, it passed through many hands before I found it, with many escalations in price.

Kasanari: This happened in all twenty years since Sauron fell? Or does he mean since the War of the Last Alliance and Sauron’s first fall? That might make more sense…

If you stab Genesis, or any Stone-man, it will pierce his body and shatter him from the inside out. You brought the diamonds?”

Inaequalis’ chest chamber opened. He retrieved a large pouch and laid it on the table.

With his cat in his lap, Tevildo opened the pouch. He poured out a tall, generous mound of large, brilliantly cut and flawlessly glittering white diamonds.

Arueshalae: *in aside* They’re only models.

“Mewlips,” Tevildo said to the white cat. “Go find wherever Grimalkin has wandered off to and tell him to gather your sisters. We will be leaving soon.”

Mewlips jumped down and scurried out the door.

MG: “The Mewlips” are the goblin-like creatures who are the subject of their titular poem published in The Adventures of Tom Bombadil, though it’s unclear if they actually exist in-universe or not. But it’s not the name of a cat. *beat* Oh, sweet Manwe… mew lips. Because cats meow with their mouths, and “Mewlips” kind of sounds like it could be a reference to that… is that the level we’re working at, Polychron? Is it? IS IT? *beat* Terribly sorry, that just sort of… came out.

Linguistic Confusions: 57

Loremaster’s Headache: 507

Tevildo picked up the largest diamond. Holding it up to the lamp, it refracted the light into myriad rainbows, scattering them about the room. They glittered brilliantly. “Glorfindel was right. The diamonds of Asthenḗs are the largest and most beautiful I have ever seen.”

Kasanari: I see Tevildo shares Saruman’s fondness for breaking the light into many colors… from a better author, that might be interesting symbolism. From Polychron, I doubt it was even on purpose.

Inaequalis lifted Klastos. It fit between his two fingers and thumb perfectly. He raised his arms and laughed. His great rumblings sounded like breaking rocks. Tevildo pushed the diamonds back into the pouch. He was certain he hoped never to hear a Stone-man laugh again.

Arueshalae: Oh, please. I can think of much worse sounds than that! And Ulbandi’s voice is probably far worse, anyway. And speaking of…

* * * * *

Thüringel and Glorfindel returned to the Meeting Room. The two of them sat alone, backs straight and attentive, before Ulbandi.

Her servants had removed her helm and armor. She sat in a green royal gown on Glorfindel’s throne.

MG: Interesting, because I wouldn’t really consider green to be a color generally associated with evil in Middle-earth – Melkor’s emblem was a field of unblazoned black, while Sauron also used red in addition to black in his iconography, and Saruman also used white. Nor would I consider green to be a particularly “royal” color (at least in the real world, that tends to be blue, purple or yellow/gold). It is, however, a color stereotypically associated with nature, which isn’t really Ulbandi’s deal. Part of me kind of appreciates Polychron for not going the stereotypical route… but a bigger part of me wonders if there’s any intentional, meaningful symbolism here at all.

To her right, the image of Estel stood frozen in the Elostirion-stone, her servants had placed beside her. She often turned and gazed at his sneering face.

Kasanari: I’m confused. Is Estel actually frozen on the other end, or is the Palantir just showing a still image of him… for some reason? Can they do that?

Arueshalae: *shrugs*

“Alatar escaped you?” Glorfindel asked.

“Tread carefully, fledgling king,” Ulbandi warned. “Remember whom you address.”

Arueshalae: Well, admitting your own, rather embarrassing and recent failure in front of the people you’re trying to impress and recruit isn’t really what I would have done, O Dark Queen. Do you perhaps have a subtle purpose yet unrevealed here? *she sighs* But I’m probably expecting too much from Polychron. Not that Glorfindel is having a particularly good showing here either. Antagonizing malevolent godlike beings is generally unwise.

“Mistress,” Thüringel said, “what are your plans for Lungorthin?”

Kasanari: Does it possibly involve obviously and awkwardly changing the uncomfortable subject?

Ulbandi’s eyes sparkled. “Though wayward, he is still one of my sons.”

“Your – ” Glorfindel began.

MG: So, as a refresher, for the brief time Ulbandi existed in Tolkien’s conception, she and Melkor were the parents of Gothmog, Lord of Balrogs (and when Tolkien decided Melkor shouldn’t have children and made Gothmog merely one of his more powerful servants instead of his son, Ulbandi was cut). I don’t believe she was ever described as the mother of the balrogs more generally, but I suspect that’s what Polychron was going for here (or at least, that the “greater” balrogs were her children). Because so much of this is speculative I’m not giving any points here, but I do think it’s worth bringing up. And I’ll note that having Glorfindel be ignorant of things like this does even more to undermine his positioning of himself as an ancient and all-knowing being last chapter; I wonder how much of this was intentional on Polychron’s part.

Thüringel put her hands on Glorfindel’s mouth. “What of Durin VII? He plots Lungorthin’s downfall.”

“Prophesy says this Durin shall be the last,” Ulbandi answered. “His passing will mark the end of Dwarves. Lungorthin’s triumph over him and all six Dwarven Queens, and that upstart King Gimli, is certain. All he must do is wait, as I have ordered.”

MG: *groans and rubs forehead* Okay. Durin VII is canon, and he is supposed to be the last of the seven reincarnations of Durin and to be the one who leads the dwarves back to Khazad-dum. But I’m pretty sure everything else here is wrong. For one, of course, Lungorthin ruling Moria in the Fourth Age isn’t a thing (for a refresher, Tolkien does mention a balrog named Lungorthin briefly… as part of the story of the Children of Hurin in the First Age). For another, as of this time, the king of Durin’s Folk is probably still Thorin III Stonehelm, son of Dain Ironfoot – while details about Durin VII are vague, the HoME indicates that he probably wasn’t born, or at least didn’t rise to power, until the second century of the Fourth Age at the earliest – he is only discussed as a future ruler of the dwarves who is prophesied to reclaim Khazad-dum, which will then remain under dwarven rule until the end of their race, with no indication that end will be particularly imminent. But, as we’ll be seeing momentarily, Polychron seems determined to cram all of Arda’s apocalyptic legends into the early years of the Fourth Age, as little sense as any of that makes.

And presumably, the “six Dwarven Queens” are the rulers of the other six dwarven clans. Which seems, particularly what we know of dwarves in general, to be, at minimum… statistically improbable for them all to be ruled by queens (especially considering that literally every dwarven monarch we here of in canon is male). Unless Durin has six wives, which just seems excessive (but not something I’d put past Polychron, sadly). Also feels worth noting that the idea of Durin VII reclaiming Moria was used by Dennis McKiernan as the springboard for his LotR fan sequel turned “original” fantasy story The Silver Call, with Durin “cleverly” disguised as “Durek.”

Loremaster’s Headache: 510

“Speaking of Prophesy,” Glorfindel said, recovering himself a little. “Since this is the end of Dwarves, it seems undeniable the End Times have come. What of the Dagor Dagorath?”

Arueshalae: Ah, yes. *glances at MG* I see what you mean. But does it follow logically that the end of the dwarves also means the end of the entire world? I don’t think it does. And since I’m fairly certain Arda is supposed to be your own world in its deep mythological past, I don’t really think it’s going to end any time soon?

“What of it?” Ulbandi asked. Her eyes glowed red.

“Mistress,” Thüringel said, “I know how you can find the bones of Túrin Turambar.”

Ulbandi regarded her gravely. “Speak.”

“One of the hobbits you met in Eidolon carries a stone from the Shroud of Túrin,” Thüringel responded. “His name is Fastred, son of Folcred, of Greenholm in the Shire.”

Kasanari: Well. This conversation is certainly all over the place, isn’t it?

MG: I still can’t believe that Polychron literally named something “the Shroud of Turin.” What, are the Holy Grail and the Spear of Destiny going to make an appearance later? How about the Ark of the Covenant?

“How did you come by this knowledge?” Ulbandi asked.

“Inaequalis and I spoke after you dismissed him,” Thüringel explained. “Long have we been friends. I asked how the surface dwellers escaped. He said Genesis heard Fastred’s call, all the Stone-men did. But only Mytikas and Genesis knew from whence it came.”

Arueshalae: So, Inaequalis didn’t know where the call came from? So how did he know it came from Fastred specifically – I don’t think that explains anything! Also, am I the only one who thinks that this is an amazingly contrived way for these characters to get this information?

“I shall cleave a thing or two from off that hobbit when next we meet!” Ulbandi hissed. “But first I want to hear how you intend to persuade Prince Estel of Rhûn to return with me to Forodwaith, despite his – reservations.”

Kasanari: *arching her eyebrow* You’re a god. If you can’t make him do what you want, how are they supposed to manage it? Especially considering Glorfindel and Thuringel aree his rivals who he hates already?

“Yes, Mistress,” Thüringel bleated. “We can and will be honored to help. We only humbly request a modest boon in return.”

“Of course, Child,” Ulbandi said. “Name your price.”

“It’s not for ourselves we ask,” Thüringel told her. “King Inaequalis has pledged his army to help us invade Arnor and Gondor. In return, he requests a way to stop the Autono-men. They break the Stone-men and steal their crystal hearts. Those crystal hearts are the only things that can power the Autono-men’s mechanical bodies and free them from dependence on Men.”

Arueshalae: The… Autono-men? Those beings that appeared entirely randomly and nonsensically back in the “Treasury of Elendil” chapter and proceeded to do absolutely nothing of note beyond parading out of the story? They are involved in all of this, apparently quite deeply? I… just… I don’t understand any of this anymore!

“What do you know of the war between the Stones and Autono-men?” Glorfindel asked.

Kasanari: That I’d have hoped it would have been mentioned or alluded to before this, if it was supposed to be at all important!

In their hidden room, Elanor’s Ring began to glow with a pale-blue light. She saw something flashing in and out of Sight in the room, behind murky mists. It swirled around and settled on Glorfindel’s eyes. “There’s something evil… about Glorfindel’s eyes.”

“His eyes?” Eldarion asked.

Arueshalae: Well, it would be rather awkward if his eyes were the only part of him that hadn’t been corrupted, wouldn’t it?

MG: Oh, this is going to be so much dumber than that…

As if he’d heard, Glorfindel’s head swiveled on his shoulders, turning towards them.

“Lady Elanor…” Alatar hissed. “The glow from your Ring!” Without waiting for a response, the wizard’s staff glowed and he whispered, “…phanaikelûth…”

The surface of the magical mirror brightened and blocked her Ring’s glow.

MG: Rings of Power don’t usually glow, from what we see. And wasn’t the mirror supposed to be opaque already, considering no one could see them hiding behind it?

Glorfindel admired his reflecting golden hair.

Kasanari: *giggling* Oh, I know I really shouldn’t laugh, it’s just that not only is Glorfindel’s hair capable of literally blinding people, it’s apparently so beautiful that he himself is entranced by it! Truly, wondrous locks indeed!

Elanor grew faint and would have fallen, but Fastred caught her. “Are you alright?”

“Your Ring is glowing,” Theo told her. “Glorfindel almost saw it! What’s wrong?”

Arueshalae: *flatly* Many things are wrong. Where shall we start?

The blue glow from her Ring grew brighter. Looking at Theo, a terrible vision filled her eyes and pain lanced through her heart. About to scream, she fainted.

Kasanari: *bemused* How… dramatic. That told us exactly nothing of what is so horrifying here, didn’t it?

“Long ago, Aulë and Oromë plotted revenge against my former servant, the Maia Melian. They blamed her for unwittingly helping me seduce Melkor,” Ulbandi answered.

MG: …Melian was a Maia in the service of Irmo and Este, before she left Valinor to marry Thingol and become Queen of Doriath. She obviously had nothing to do with Ulbandi seducing Melkor (or, if it needs to be said, Melkor’s fall at all!) and there is no indication Aule or Orome ever had anything against her!

Loremaster’s Headache: 512

The Unfair Sex: 147 (for implicating yet another woman in Melkor’s fall)

“They created the Autono-men to destroy her and her servants, the Metamorphs of Archany.

Arueshalae: *in increasing bafflement* And now the Metamorphs serve Melian. Of course the Metamorphs serve Melian. I can’t even muster the emotion to be confused or upset by this anymore. Things are just… happening, and it seems we have no choice but to let them wash over us. *she sighs heavily* This is going to be a long chapter, isn’t it?

Loremaster’s Headache: 513


But one of my spies informed me. I was able to substitute the ichor in the veins off the Autono-man King Khalkós with my own.

Arueshalae: And now the Autono-men (the Autono-men! So that wasn’t just an absurd diversion in the “Treasury of Elendil” chapter, it’s actually going to matter?) are involved as well! Of course they are!

Enslaved by me, Ilúvatar would not infuse the Autono-men with the Secret Fire. Aulë had no choice but to destroy them and much of his power he had poured into them.

MG: No, no, I think you have Aule confused with Melkor; he was the one who poured so much of his power into creating monsters and trying to warp Arda to his will. Aule, so far as we know, did no such thing.

Or, he could reconfigure them with gears and springs. This he did. Though powerful, they need to be wound by the hands of living being. Lifeless, in many ways they are wiser than living things. Their minds are made of gears, sprockets and springs, and not a single sieve. Nothing they learn escapes them and they grow ever wiser.”

MG: …from what we see in the Sil, if Iluvatar had refused the Secret Fire to the dwarves, they would’ve just been extensions of Aule’s will with no independent minds at all, since true, intelligent self-willed life with souls can only come from the Secret Fire. Without it, the “Autono-men” (I still can’t get over that Polychron thinks that is a name that works in Middle-earth!) would be just that – automatons, mindless machines in every way.

“But they are powerful in calculation only,” Thüringel interjected.

“True,” Ulbandi affirmed. “Aulë and Oromë redesigned the Autono-men. They freed them from the need for human slaves by using the crystal hearts of Stone-men.

Arueshalae: What.

Thus, they hunt them. But Khalkós sought to be free of my control, which the metal of the Lamp Illuin can do.

Arueshalae: What.

After many Ages, he found it and forged from its ruins his golden crown. He also learned that he alone can power his Autono-men forever if finds the Girdle of Melian.

Arueshalae: What.

MG: …the Girldle of Melian was the magical defense woven by Melian around Doriath, which in turn collapsed when she herself left Doriath. It was not a physical girdle, or anything physical. There’s nothing to find! Argh! Also, wow, what do you have against Orome and Aule, Polychron (or Ulbandi, if she’s meant to be lying here)?

Loremaster’s Headache: 514

Free of the control of the Valar and his need for slaves, and driven by his jealousy and hate of living things, especially magical beings, he will wipe out every living thing in our magically created reality.”

MG: So, yes. If Estel, Glorfindel, Thuringel, Lungorthin, Swahilloguz, all the Legion of Doom from last time and Ulbandi herself weren’t enough, we now have an army of omnicidal robots. In Middle-earth, of all the damned settings for such a thing. Omnicidal robots who got an absurd introductory scene where all the little robots riding inside the big king robot were a mechanical band and performed an impromptu song, if you’ll recall. Just… just… what even is this anymore?

“What would be left?” Glorfindel asked.

“A world full of self-replicating, unliving Autono-men,” she answered, “free of women and filled with never ending calculation.”

Kasanari: Ah, so the Autono-men literally are men, then? Despite being neither male nor alive in the conventional sense, one supposes. But it seems Polychron can’t escape adding yet more misogyny into this story, because why in the Nine Hells not?

The Unfair Sex: 148

“A place I have no doubt,” Glorfindel told Thüringel playfully, “you would be happy.”

Arueshalae: I can only assume Glorfindel is being sarcastic, unless Thuringel secretly wants to be killed by murderous Autono-men for being alive and/or female?

“Laugh if you wish,” Ulbandi scolded. “The Autono-men would have created that world long ago when Aulë first created them if my blood did not run through the veins of their King. It was I who kept the Autono-men from finding Melian. I kept them focused on destroying the Stone-men for their hearts and they have waged unending war against each other ever since.”

Kasanari: Considering the one doing the telling, I find I have a hard time believing that, unless Ulbandi really is meant to be the one thing standing between the world and destruction by the Automaton hordes…

“How goes the war?” Glorfindel asked.

“Stalemated,” Ulbandi answered. “Khalkós forged his crown, breaking free of my control and betrayed me. Since the power of my spells alone could no longer stop him, I used the power of the Valar woven into the stones of Weathertop to imprison him instead.”

MG: …why is the power of the Valar wove into Weathertop, of all places? Though I suppose it makes more sense that Elendil put his treasury there, then…

Bigger, Louder, More!: 101

Expansion-Pack World: 72 (fice points for everything about the Autono-men)

Loremaster’s Headache: 515

“Why do that?” Thüringel asked.

Arueshalae: Because it’s better than having them running around loose?

“With the help of Inaequalis, I used the power of my own Valarin spells to imprison Mytikas and the Cementation of the Dodecahedrons there. I needed only to find an unwitting agent with the power to break both spells to revive them and they would destroy each other. From the ruins of Amon Sûl, I would take the crown of the Autono-men King and the crystal hearts of the fallen Cementation. These would power the rest of the Autono-men, again making them my deadliest servants without the need for human slaves. With the Crown of Khalkós on my brow, I will rule an army of Autono-men and be impervious to the Power of the Valar.”

Kasanari: That is… certainly quite a lot of nonsense and ridiculously convoluted scheming, isn’t it?

Bigger, Louder, More!: 102

Glorfindel’s eyes grew wide.

“What happened?” Thüringel asked.

MG: …all this is making me think is that Glorfindel and Thuringel are a couple of little kids spellbound while Mommy Ulbandi is telling them a bedtime story. Which is, admittedly, at about the level of dignity this story has been operating under, but isn’t exactly intimidating, is it?

“Things have gone from worst to worse!” Ulbandi cried. “Now I understand how the hobbit Fastred freed them! The Stone-men have returned in strength to Under-earth and they assail the forces of Inaequalis. Khalkós fled Amon Sûl and found his dormant Autono-men. Winding their gears himself, he revived his armies. They returned to their ancient lands and human worshipers. Men revere them as Valar. They believe the Autono-men are mechanical Gods of Old. The Autono-men secured their borders, subdued rival tribes of Men and exact tribute. If any refuse, Khalkós lifts great boulders and crushes his foes beneath them. Khalkós gathers news of all that has happened since I imprisoned him. His mind of inhuman calculation plots to destroy all magical beings. If he succeeds, the Autono-men will inherit Middle-earth.”

Arueshalae: *shaking her head* My, my. All of this in the very brief time since the Autono-men have been freed! They do work fast… And apparently the Autono-men rule empires of mortals where they are literally worshipped as gods… somewhere we’ve presumably not heard of before, since most of the continent seems accounted for already and is already ruled, and we’ve never heard anything about any of this? Middle-earth is clearly growing!

Bigger, Louder, More!: 103

Expansion-Pack World: 73

“Where is the hidden Treasury of Elendil?” Thüringel asked.

“Beneath the crumbling remains of Weathertop,” Ulbandi answered.

Kasanari: *bored* Hadn’t we gathered that already?

“Erestor, may he rot in the Void, was blind to the treasures beneath his feet and lost the Palantír of Osgiliath. Only the Prince of Fools can stand on the richest hoard in Arda and leave poorer than when he arrived!”

“What has become of these artifacts?” Glorfindel asked.

Arueshalae: *exasperated* We had a whole chapter on that – we really don’t need to hear it again!

“They are gone,” Ulbandi told them. “Taken by the indistinguishably boring twins, those unendurably stupid hobbits, that pathetic excuse for a wizard and the brats of the House of Telcontar.”

Arueshalae: …on the other hand, it pains me to admit it but I think Ulbandi may have accurately summed up our heroes, Desna help us all?

“If Alatar has plundered the Treasury of Elendil, he may gather the remaining Rings of Power before us,” Thüringel said. “What can you offer in exchange for the Master-Stone?”

Kasanari: *rubbing her forehead* Of course it’s still about the Rings. And why does Ulbandi want the Master-stone, exactly? She was greater than Sauron to begin with – what benefit would it bring her?

“I do not need Celebrimbor’s Rings to power the Master-Stone,” Ulbandi answered. “I am Valier. The Master-Stone can be powered by my will alone. Unlike Melkor, I have not squandered my strength in raising mountains and creating armies for useless wars.”

MG: In contrast to two chapters ago, which indicated she had been somehow diminished – also, isn’t the Master-stone supposed to be powered by the fragments of the One Ring in it? Why does it need more rings, other than Polychron clearly having a fetish for the things?

Rings-a-Palooza: 208

“Don’t forget, we require a price for the Master-Stone,” Glorfindel told her.
“Your life is the price!” Ulbandi snapped. He flinched in fear and stepped behind Thüringel. “If you do not give me access to the Stone, I will take it! Your armies and spells stand between us, but I am raising an army the likes of which Middle-earth has never seen! Combining surface dwellers and my unstoppable abominations, whose horrors you cannot imagine, I will raid Mordor and Glorfindell! All the kingdoms on the surface will fall, bringing ruin to you all!”

Arueshalae: Those unstoppable abominations… that our heroes easily escaped from and were made to kill each other so readily when last we saw them? The endless hordes of the Abyss they were not.

“As attractive as it sounds,” Thüringel said, mischievously. She purred seductively, putting forth all her subtle power to calm Ulbandi. “There is no need, Mistress. Forget the Rings. We will find them ourselves. All we want as the groom-price for the love of Estel are the missing Silmarilli. If you give us those, then the Master-Stone, and all of Middle-earth, are yours.”

MG: …what. Thuringel and Glorfindel aren’t Estel’s parents, or even his allies, so why should Ulbandi have any obligation to them whatsoever if she wants his “love,” much less the Silmarils – all three of them! – which are scattered into places where she can’t get them (the heavens, the bowels of the earth, and the depths of the sea), which have been lost for two Ages and are the most valuable objects ever created, except as some twisted parody of the tale of Beren and Luthien? What does it have to do with the Master-stone at all? What is even going on here Polychron? *beat* Also, is Thuringel trying to seduce Ulbandi herself?

Bigger, Louder, More!: 104

Take That, Tolkien!: 55 (mocking the story of Beren and Luthien, even if it’s the villains doing it, gets a point)

“I want the missing Palantíri,” Glorfindel reminded Thüringel. “They are the only way we can find the rest of the Rings.”

Arueshalae: …it might let you have more people looking at once? Otherwise, I’m not sure how much it helps, really.

“That’s right,” Thüringel said. She turned to Ulbandi. “It is rumored they were lost in the ice of your northern kingdom. You are the Queen of Ice.”

“Finding them in her own realm should not be difficult,” Glorfindel told Thüringel. “I found two easily.”

MG: Yeah, but they were lost in the Bay of Forochel specifically. I don’t think deep diving in one of the coldest, most inhospitable bodies of water in the known Middle-earth sounds all that appealing, even for someone like Ulbandi.

“You stole them,” Ulbandi rebuked.

“Steal is such an unkind word, Mistress,” Glorfindel mewed. “As one of the Eldar, I have lawful access to the Stones.”

MG: Eh. I don’t think so. The Stones seem to work on a “you have to be given access by someone who was already themselves a lawful wielder” principle if you want to use them to their full potential, from what I can gather. They were made by the Eldar, then given to the Faithful of Numenor (specifically the Lords of Andunie) and passed on to their heirs, the kings of Arnor and Gondor, and later the Stewards of Gondor, while Saruman (who found the Orthanc-stone after it had been lost) and Sauron (whose minions stole the Ithil-stone) weren’t lawful users. But this mostly seems to matter in the context of a battle of wills for control of the Stones – ie, Aragorn is a lawful wielder and Sauron isn’t, which helps him wrench the Orthanc-stone from Sauron’s control. But I really don’t think Glorfindel has any particular connection to the Stones, beyond that they were made by the Noldor and he’s a Noldo.

Loremaster’s Headache: 516

“My only interest in Laws is breaking them,” she said.

Arueshalae: Which sadly reminds me of my old home, where the laws only hold sway so long as the strongest demon in the area cares to enforce them, which they may very well not – so that in the end, the only real law is strength. And Alushinyrra is one of the more ordered realms in the Abyss, I believe.

“If you hadn’t lost the Osgiliath- stone and let Alatar defeat you, they wouldn’t have invaded my lands and I wouldn’t be here.”

Kasanari: Thank you, Ulbandi, for reminding us of how neither you nor Glorfindel have covered yourselves in glory lately…

“Then you would not have met that young Orcelven prince,” Glorfindel reminded her. “Who only Thüringel can give you.”

Arueshalae: Why? Thuringel isn’t Estel’s liege – she’s his rival! She’s not related to him, I’m not even sure she met him before today. Why does her approval matter?

“So you say,” Ulbandi said. She turned to Thüringel. “How can you accomplish this?”

“I have a spell,” she answered. “No one else has, to ensnare the heart of any man.”

Arueshalae: …I wasted much of my life seducing and ruining anyone, man or woman, I cared to, so forgive me if I doubt Thuringel’s claim of having some unique power here. Much less that it is something she can do that the far greater Ulbandi can’t – and why has these powerful women’s motivations suddenly come down to nothing more than haggling over a man?

The Unfair Sex: 149

“You’ve found a way to increase the size of your chest?” Ulbandi asked.

MG: One, both Ulbandi and Thuringel are shapeshifters. Such a feat should be trivially easy for either of them. Second, and most importantly, yes, the fic has devolved into two of its major female villains discussing the size of their cleavage. You’re welcome.

The Unfair Sex: 150

“I really do need to, don’t I?” Thüringel laughed. She looked down at the cleavage of her opulently wanton breasts. Narrowing her shoulders, she let them fall low in her blouse, as if she was flat chested. Sitting back, she lifted her chest and they grew to twice their enormous size.

The Unfair Sex: 152 (need it be said? And yes, this supposedly serious LotR fic is talking about somebody’s “opulently wanton breasts.”)

“But they’ve been growing larger all by themselves. Why the surprise? You have offspring.”

“You’re pregnant?” Ulbandi asked.

“We are,” Glorfindel responded. He hugged Thüringel and kissed the top of her head.

Arueshalae: Oh, so mortals – or at least, corporeal beings – share the child between them! I always wondered how that part worked…

Kasanari: *sigh* So, I take it the results of sex aren’t normally part of a succubus’s life, then? You have some… interesting misconceptions; we can talk later, after the sporking.

MG: In any case, Thuringel seems pretty clearly like she’s some sort of vampire/wight/undead thing, so I find it really remarkable she’s even able to get pregnant at all. Even with vampires, I feel like most of the time when we see dhampir children in fiction (that are straight-up hybrids rather than being created by some other means) the father is the vampire, which I always figured was because carrying a living child in an undead body for nine months is probably… difficult, moreso than the alternative. Now, we have no idea what sort of rules Thuringel is supposed to be following here, which just raises the question once again – what the hells even is she!?

“Who’s the father?” Ulbandi asked.

Glorfindel’s skin darkened, going right through red to a terribly bruised purple. “Since you have been so kind to ask Mistress, we want the Silmarilli to delight our baby’s eyes.”

Arueshalae: Well, someone is certainly thin-skinned!

“But those would only be like asking for both the Sun and Moon,” Ulbandi said. “What of the stars?”

Kasanari: Does Earendil’s Silmaril count (how are you planning to get it away from him, anyway?). Not to mention, the evil deity is once again sounding like the most sensible person in the scene. This worries me.

“For them we have the Master-Stone,” Thüringel smiled. “And soon, so shall you.”

MG: Something something he (or she, in this case) does not share power… if you fork that Master-stone over, I wouldn’t expect to ever see it back again, in other words.

“You want two Silmarilli and two Palantíri – four long-lost beautiful and powerful Stones – for larger breasts?” her chest grew twice as big as Thüringel’s. “I can do that myself.”

Arueshalae: So can I, and so can any succubus, but is this really the important thing now? And is that really Thuringel’s great secret that can ensnare any man? *whispers* Should I tell her that there are some men who aren’t interested in any breasts of any size? Would she even believe me?

MG: And so yes, we have two shapeshifters comparing their bust size – the issue here (that either of them can have breasts as big or small as they want, rendering the whole thing meaningless) should be obvious. Once again, the pitch-perfect sequel to LotR, everybody!

The Unfair Sex: 153

“Ladies!” Glorfindel exclaimed. Forgetting his fear, his eyes danced between them. “There’s no need for this heavy breathing, sweating and swelling of breasts!”

Arueshalae: Well, I think someone is more interested than he wants to admit, and he’s not doing a very good job of hiding it!

The Unfair Sex: 154

Only Glorfindel was breathing hard and sweating.

Arueshalae: *folds her wings and smiles primly* See?

He looked across the room. In the mirror, he admired his long fingers. Stroking his waist-length blond hair, he wondered if Ulbandi noticed how bright it was.

Kasanari: I, on the other hand, think that Glorfindel is clearly more enamored of his own beauty than that of either of the women! I seem to recall an old Ragesian legend about a prince who fell in love with his own reflection… didn’t end well, I recall.

“As much as I enjoy the competition. Should Estel and I lengthen and compared our manhoods?”

MG: And if you thought it was just the ladies, here we have the culmination of this inexplicable little scene (I almost said “climax” but caught myself…)! Now it’s time for Glorfindel to talk about comparing his junk and Estel’s, too (not sure how either of them plans to “lengthen” it, admittedly). Just… huh? Is this what Polychron thought LotR was missing – a scene where Sauron and Saruman frankly discussed and compared the sizes of their respective naughty bits? Just… just wow.

Feel My Edge: 131 (because I think this deserved a point somewhere)

“He would never do such a thing,” Ulbandi told him.

Arueshalae: You’ve barely exchanged ten words with him – you know this how? Also, this “Mad Vala” seems strangely defensive of the chastity of her intended paramour… should someone tell her what he apparently gets up to off-page?

“In fact,” Glorfindel countered, gesturing at the palantír. “We have already discussed it.”

Estel’s livid face came to life in the Elostirion-stone. “I’d rather do that with you than be with her! I have greater desire to trek to Forodwaith and bore a hole in a glacier than try to couple with that mad ancient Vala’s frozen icicle of a – ”

MG: So, was he just watching the whole time, waiting for the appropriate moment to jump in? Awkward.

“Hush!” Thüringel hissed, waving her hand. Estel’s voice stopped mid-word and his face vanished from the Stone. “He’s so charming! I see now why you like him.”

Arueshalae: She said with what was presumably intended to be heavy sarcasm. The subtle art of seduction may not be commonly practiced among demons who aren’t succubi or incubi, but at least most of them can differentiate between someone who is expressing interest and who isn’t (not that many demons care, sadly enough…)

“I weary of this,” Ulbandi said. Her eyes glowed red again. “Tell me your offer.”

“What I have,” Thüringel said, as her and Ulbandi’s breasts returned to their normal, obscenely overly-large sizes,

MG: *wiping their forehead* Whew! So relieved that was resolved!

The Unfair Sex: 155

“is the only genuine falling-head-over-heals-in-love-with-you-for- all-eternity potion ever created in Arda.”

Arueshalae: Oh, please. Woljif has tried to sell me miracle cures to various diseases and afflictions he’s acquired under dubious circumstances no fewer than half a dozen times – all of them were a lot more convincing than this.

“Of course you do,” Ulbandi told her. “Or you wouldn’t have been impregnated by the feminine beauty of Girlfindel.”

MG: *groans* Because of course, the worst thing you can say about a guy is that he looks like a woman. And of course, the most powerful woman in the story uses these kind of misogynist put-downs. And, excuse me, but “Girlfindel,” really? That’s just sad. And doesn’t make sense in the language these characters would be speaking…

Linguistic Confusions: 58

Glorfindel laughed, clutching his sides and tears rolled down his face.

Kasanari: At least he has a sense of humor about himself? A rare quality in a tyranny… a pity the quality of the joke was so terrible…

Quieting, he rose and went to the door. “I leave you to finish here. I’ll be in our chambers sodomizing our newest batch of slaves. Join me when you’re done with her. We’ll dismember a few together.”

Arueshalae: *stunned* In Desna’s name! what a thing to just drop so casually! Is… is he serious, or is it another joke? Either way, it is in terrible taste!

MG: And PKH-level homophobia, as well as a rape joke if it is a joke. Charming. *shudders*

Feel My Edge: 133 (one point for the homophobia, one point for the rape joke)

Thüringel laughed, her mind on the waiting delights. With him gone, she turned to Ulbandi. “You’ve heard our terms.”

“Fëanor created the Palantíri and Silmarilli using Valarin arts,” she answered. “I could no more fail to find them than I could fail to punish anyone who displeases me.”

MG: Pretty sure it doesn’t work that way, but that’s the least of this scenes problems at this point. Dear Eru.

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 83 (I think a nice ten points for this whole scene is merited)

* * * * *

Glorfindel didn’t go to his bedchambers.

Kasanari: Thank the Four for small mercies, at least.

Angry, yet terrified of Ulbandi, he went to a secret meeting room. It was hidden by spells of concealment he had long ago mastered. Before entering, he composed himself and smiled with a confidence he hadn’t felt facing the Valier.

MG: …since “Valier” is plural, would that imply that all seven (eight?) Valier were in Rivendell tonight? No wonder he’s feeling a bit stressed! I can only imagine being stuck in the role of having to make pleasant small-talk while Ulbandi and Varda are silently glaring at each other across the dinner table…

Waiting anxiously seated inside were Thû, Swahillogûz and Incánus.

“What’s become of Ulbandi?” Incánus asked. He nervously looked out the door.

“She negotiates with Thüringel,” he answered, closing it. “We all have our price.

Arueshalae: And apparently sometimes that price involves larger breasts. That, or love potions. Which seem to be the only sorts of things this author can imagine two powerful women caring about…

Tell me of the Fires of Orthanc. You’ve hinted at them fearfully, yet covetously. A mix I rather like.”

Kasanari: The blasting-fire of Orthanc, you mean? Why does Thu – and/or Swahilloguz – have knowledge of that, and Glorfindel doesn’t? Did they have some dealings with Saruman we’ve never heard about before now?

MG: Also, it must be noted that the forces of Mordor also used blasting-fire to break through the Rammas Echor, the outer wall of the Pelennor Fields (though it’s easy to forget, since the narrative doesn’t focus on it as much as it does for Saruman’s hosts use of it at Helm’s Deep). I can’t imagine Saruman’s formula was that different from Sauron’s, since it seems to produce essentially the same effect – and Thuringel probably either knows how to make Sauron’s version herself, or has people who do, since she basically seems to have inherited all of Sauron’s old war machine (in defiance of LotR’s actual ending, mind). So this just seems sort of like Polychron grabbed a random McGuffin for our three would-be dark lords (and one wizard) to be negotiating over.

“We’re agreed?” Thû asked. “The formula in exchange for access to the Master-Stone?”

Arueshalae: Hmmm – on the one hand, a formula to make bombs. On the other, the literal pieces of the One Ring. Oh, yes, this certainly sounds like a fair trade!

“We are agreed,” Glorfindel affirmed.

“Very well,” Incánus said. “The Fires of Orthanc were refined by Aulë to produce two substances: Naphthylminium and Naphthylmite.”

MG: Far as I can tell, both of these words are made up. It could be a corruption of naphthylamine, but that doesn’t seem to have much to do with explosives (my research indicates it was mostly used to make dyes and is also a carcinogen). So I suspect Polychron was just going for “naphtha” and came up with something pompous instead.

“Called by some,” Swahillogûz noted, “the Fires of Ilúvatar.”

“Blasphemy!” Glorfindel cried, horrified. Abruptly, he checked himself. “Why should I concern myself over heresies? Tell me of Ilúvatar’s Fires.”

MG: *snorts* Fires of Iluvatar? Saruman wishes. Seriously, from all we see in canon, blasting fire is just bombs – possibly enhanced by some sort of alchemy and sorcery, and a devastating weapon at Middle-earth’s tech level, but certainly not divine (and if anything is the “Fire of Iluvatar,” it would be the Flame Imperishable, aka the Secret Fire, which is a metaphorical fire, not a literal one). But I do think that it’s a nice touch that Glorfindel instinctively considers this blasphemous, before catching himself and reminding himself he’s not supposed to care about things like that anymore. It’s an actually decent reminder that his upbringing and pre-fall life still influences him, even if he doesn’t want it to.

“Like fire, they burn,” Incánus told him. “They strike like lightning, sound like thunder and pummel like a hail of battering rams. Their winds blow stronger than tempests, legions of tempests blowing in every direction. Nothing withstands this power.”

MG: That’s a really fancy way of saying “they knocked down some walls a couple of times.”

Bigger, Louder, More!: 105 (even the blasting fire has to be extreme, I guess!)

“It is whispered the Fires of Orthanc can kill the Valar,” Swahillogûz told him. “It can even destroy Númenórean stone. The Tower of Orthanc will fall to us. The black walls of Minas Tirith will fall. We could even destroy the Palantíri.”

MG: The fact that the Witch-King’s armies did not use blasting fire against the walls of Minas Tirith, when it was previously demonstrated that they did have it, suggests that it is not, in fact, strong enough to bring down “Numenorean stone” (which I presume to be the extremely durable black stone the Numenoreans built Orthanc, Minas Tirith’s outer walls, and certain other constructions from). And killing the Valar just makes it sound all the more over-the-top and ridiculous. Apparently, Saruman made bombs he could have used to literally kill the Valar (and, by extension, one would presume his fellow Maiar, which would include the other wizards, Durin’s Bane and Sauron himself) which he then used to breach the walls of a perfectly mundane mortal-built fortress. Which seems a bit like using a Silmaril as a nightlight (or using the One Ring as a simple ring of invisibility, for that matter…) – sure, it works, but you’re also massively underutilizing it!

“Nothing can destroy a palantír,” Glorfindel said.

MG: Orodruin can, probably, per Unfinished Tales.

“The Fire of Ilúvatar can,” the warlord insisted. “Then why haven’t you?” Glorfindel asked.

“All copies of Saruman’s formula were destroyed by Treebeard,” Incánus answered. “His labs and the equipment in the Tower of Orthanc were given to Elessar.”

“Having been used by so many of Saruman’s servants,” Glorfindel considered, “with a bit of guile, bribery and torture, the formula shouldn’t be beyond your power to reconstruct.”

MG: Again, we see Isengard’s forces use it at one battle. It’s not like Grima Wormtongue or Ugluk or the ruffians in the Shire were carting around jugs of the stuff to set off whenever they needed something blown up! Nor do I imagine Saruman would hand out such a weapon so freely.

“We have done this,” Thû told him. “Perfected every step, except for one.”

Kasanari: …I’m genuinely curious how they know they’re missing exactly one step, if they haven’t figured out what it is they’re missing yet? Or did the formula sheet they found have exactly one bullet point scrawled out? How very inconvenient!

Glorfindel leaned forward. “Which one?”

“The alchemical formula must be purified with the wood ash of a tree,” Incánus answered. “Or it is powerless.”

“Trees are plentiful,” Glorfindel noted.

“Not just any tree,” the warlord said. “The wood ash of only one tree will do.”

“Which tree?” Glorfindel asked.

Arueshalae: *bored* The White Tree of Gondor, perhaps? And maybe the realization that they’d have to fight a war with the strongest kingdom in western Middle-earth to get it will put a damper on their interest in the formula, and we can finally get back to talking about something else?

The three of them looked at each other. Incánus answered. “We don’t know.”

“I fail to see the problem,” Glorfindel told him. “Try them all.”

MG: So… is it literally one kind of tree, or one specific tree? If the former, you should probably check what kinds of trees are found in convenient distance of Isengard (but watch out for ents!). If one specific tree… well, good luck, you’ll be at it for a while (and I doubt the ents will take kindly to that, either).

Kasanari: *hisses angrily* They’ll be lucky to face the ents, if I catch them at such… experimentation.

“We have,” Swahillogûz responded. “The one Saruman used must have gone extinct. Many trees have, since the coming of Men. Or it fell with Númenor to the bottom of the ocean.”

MG: Impressive, considering that Saruman’s forces were using blasting fire in the War of the Ring, while Numenor fell millennia before that. Unless Saruman was just sitting on massive stores of it the whole time before he finally found a use for it? Did he lug it with him from Aman? That would be a sight!

“Perhaps it was destroyed by the Ents,” Incánus offered.

“Treebeard would never destroy trees,” Glorfindel said.

Arueshalae: Why is Glorfindel of all people suddenly making sense?

“You haven’t tried them all.”

“Yes we have!” Thû insisted. “We have scoured and burned the forests in every land, from one end of the world to the other!

Kasanari: *looks around silently at the obviously unburned forests of Middle-earth, raises an eyebrow*

Happy Ending Override: 32 (for Thu and Swahilloguz apparently burning the forests in every land – despite no indication this has actually happened – after the War of the Ring)

If you knew the lengths we’ve gone. From the shores – ”

“You missed one,” Glorfindel told him.

“Why do you think it’s even possible, we missed just the right tree?” Swahillogûz asked.

Arueshalae: Well, if your formula doesn’t work, then clearly you’re missing something…

“I don’t think,” Glorfindel told him. “I know. In fact, there are two trees you missed.”

MG: Is… is Glorfindel implying Saruman used ash from the Two Trees in his blasting fire? Because if so, just… just wow. And for one, the Two Trees are dead and have been for literal Ages, so you’re not getting anything more from them, I’d say. And even if they weren’t… they’re in Valinor, on a hill outside the literal city of the Valar. If getting wood from the White Tree of Gondor wasn’t doable, this is about a thousand times more difficult! So, yeah, you all should probably just give up now. Sorry, guys – it’s not happening.

Bigger, Louder, More!: 106

Feel My Edge: 134

* * * * *

Thüringel entered the Moon lit gardens in an almost sheer gown. It generously displayed her figure. She carried a silver tray set with three wine glasses and a full decanter.

Estel looked at the fountains and statues. They hadn’t changed since he was last here, centuries ago. Turning to her, he drank in her lithe beauty.

Arueshalae: *hisses* I know what you are. Stop it.

She set the tray down on the garden table. “Refreshments?”

“Where are the others?” he asked, looking around before eyeing her hungrily.

Kasanari: *groans* Well, I suppose the man is consistent, at least – a pity he’s consistently vile.

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 84

She poured three glasses and lifted the tray. “You know how things are with conquerors, my Lord, endlessly planning. You are one, plotting to take over the world.”

Arueshalae: You and everyone else, apparently. It’s like being back in the Abyss again. And I do not mean that as a compliment.

He picked up his glass and held it up. “To taking over the world.”

She lifted her glass and pouted. “Is that all you want?”

“No,” he answered, eyeing her breasts. “I want more.”

Kasanari: Ah, yes, the twin desires of every man’s heart – world domination, and boobs. Where does Polychron get his insights?

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 85

“Let us drink to more, my Lord,” she said, raising her glass. “To all you want.”

“To all I want,” he toasted, clinking her glass.

She drank and stepped past him into the gardens.

He drank, set his glass down, turned to pursue her and came face-to-face with the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

“Good day, my Lord,” Ulbandi said. Without her helm and armor, he still recognized her voice. She picked up the third glass and drank. “How does the wine?”

Thüringel had dressed her in a seductively beautiful, red shoulder-length gown.

Arueshalae: …because the ancient goddess of all evil doesn’t know how to dress herself? I would have thought, from what Polychron has told us of her history, she’d be rather familiar with the business of seduction – perhaps Melkor just has very low standards?

Braiding her hair and piling it artfully atop her head, Thüringel had lifted it off her shoulders, displaying the fine feminine lines of Ulbandi’s long neck, fragile collar bones and opulent breasts.

Kasanari: …stop ogling the evil goddess, Polychron. I know what you’re up to.

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 86

“I…” Estel began. He stopped, enchanted by the beauty of her perfect skin.

Arueshalae: As he decided he actually wanted to eat her instead. *beat* What?

Her dark eyes burned. She turned to the central statue and took another sip. “I am told, these gardens have witnessed the meetings of many disparate peoples. Yet they still discovered common ground. Is this not true, my Lord?”

Estel was having problems concentrating. He knew she was Vala and he shouldn’t think of her desirously, even if respectfully. But his eyes were drawn to the beauty of her face, her hair, hands, lips, her body…

Kasanari: So… has Thuringel already fed him the love potion (in his drinks from earlier, one presumes), or is this just Estel’s ordinary lust talking and overriding his brain? It could go either way – though it’s quite a change from where he was at last chapter, admittedly.

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 87

He began to sweat. What should he say to such a magnificent woman? What could he say? “I… why, yes. I actually do remember my adoptive father Elrond,

MG: Wouldn’t Elrond be Estel’s stepfather, being his mother’s husband and all?

telling me something about him meeting my mother here. See that statue carved by Drendelen?”

They turned to where a great marble pillar bore one of Drendelen’s masterpieces. It was her magnificent, larger than life, ‘Glorfindel Slays The Balrog.’

Arueshalae: Just for once, I’d like to see a statue carved by someone we’ve never heard of – maybe then it would feel like there is more than two sculptors in Arda!

“Such brutality! Such power.” Ulbandi admired the work, despite loathing Glorfindel.

Kasanari: So, if the implication is that all the Balrogs were her children, does this mean that Ulbandi is presently admiring a statue depicting the death of her son? I can’t say much for Estel’s tact, if so…

“I agree,” Estel said, thoughtfully. “Though it’s not my favorite.”

Surprised, she turned to him. “Which is your favorite, my Lord?”

He led her to the back of the gardens. On a downward slopping hill there stood a grove of dead Eldar trees. In the center of the grove on a pillar of black marble, rose Nerdanel’s most controversial masterwork. Two powerful figures were locked in a titanic, lethal struggle.

“My – Lord…” Ulbandi gasped, before the larger than life marbles. 20,000 years after they were sculpted,

MG: *facepalms* Nerdanel herself isn’t even 20,000 years old (no elf is, because the elven race isn’t that old). Goddammit, Polychron.

Loremaster’s Headache: 517

they still seethed with malevolence: as if captured by a spell in a moment of terror and malice, and at any moment completing the grizzly depiction of ‘Ulbandi Slays Draëd.’

Arueshalae: Why did Nerdanel even sculpt that? Why is it even here? They don’t put statues of Deskari in their palaces in Mendev, and I can’t imagine the elves would much care to be reminded of Ulbandi, either!

“Even as a child,” he remembered, taking another drink. “I saw it and knew it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.”

“This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen,” she told him.

“I had thought it the most beautiful,” he said, turning to her. “Until now.” Their eyes locked.

Ulbandi, the Mad Vala – felt dizzy butterflies fluttering through her stomach.

All Sporkers: *stare in horror at the evil Vala suddenly reduced to a lovestruck schoolgirl pining over a deranged rapist*

The Unfair Sex: 156

She turned away, trying to catch her breath. “I, am thinking of returning, to Forodwaith.”

“Forodwaith?” he asked. He couldn’t help noticing the pale skin on her slender shoulders, illuminated softly in the Moon light. There was something about Forodwaith… something he was thinking of doing there. He couldn’t remember. He swallowed.

“It is beautiful there,” she said, looking up and raising her hand. “The stars reflect so brightly off the ice. As if my citadel walls rose higher than the skies, looking down on stars.”

“That sounds… enchanting.” He stepped towards her. “But must you go so… soon?”

Arueshalae: Yes, please! Both of you, please leave! Then maybe, maybe, we can get back to… well, this story has never been interesting, but at least something other than this incredibly uncomfortable scene?

He didn’t want her to leave, but couldn’t bring himself to demand she stay. He didn’t fear her power (anymore). He didn’t want to disappoint or displease her. He racked his brain for something to say to make her stay, or something to do to please her, before she left.

Kasanari: Considering the earlier conversation, so long as he doesn’t start boasting about the size of his manhood, we should count ourselves fortunate.

“Perhaps, you might like to come one day,” Ulbandi said, taking another sip of wine.

“See the wonders of Forodwaith… with your own eyes.”

Arueshalae: *nonplussed* Ah, yes. The… ice. And… all the other ice. And maybe some snow. And I think they maybe have bears? I’d actually like to meet one of those white bears – they sound so beautiful! And… where were we?

Outside, the Sun began to rise. Glorfindel took back the seven Rings he’d given his new undead Ringwraiths, the queens and kings the Nazgûl had killed the day before in the Meeting Room. He gave his new servant queens and kings instructions to return to their lands. They were to gather their armies and then march with him to destroy the Shire. His undead servant queens and kings bowed and rode away, leading their terrified men-at-arms.

MG: …who either haven’t noticed or don’t care that their monarchs have been killed and replaced by mindless undead abominations?

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 183

Inside, the burning flames of the open pits at the center of the Hall of Fire grew dim.

Lemminkäinen the Black and Incánus the Gold regarded each other warily – in silence.

Kasanari: So, I suppose the conversation about blasting fire finally came to some sort of end, then? It should have ended by all logic in them telling Glorfindel exactly what he could do with the ashes of the Two Trees and storming out, but I doubt we’re that lucky.

“So,” Incánus finally said. “It’s been a long time. We’ve come quite a distance. Very far indeed, from the Halls of Mandos.”

MG: So… Lemminkainen is supposed to have been a Maia of Vaire – I guess Incanus was a Maia of Mandos himself, then, or maybe Nienna? It’s not like these characters are canonical either way, admittedly.

“So very true,” Lemminkäinen responded. She wondered if he belittled her choice to become outcast from the Valar. And her plight: regent of the frigid lands of the North, constantly pinioned between the barely containable fury of the Balrog and Werewolf Queens. But worse for her, she was forever imprisoned in a land of unending snow and bitter cold.

Arueshalae: Which really does sound very unpleasant. Has the wise Lemminkainen considered she might be better off switching back to the other side? At least then she might be able to go somewhere warm. And would be at significantly less risk of being mauled by a werewolf.

“Ages. You serve Swahillogûz, the Albino Abomination of Northern Harad – it seems.”

“I am a wanderer,” Incánus told her. “I give council to those who wish to benefit from the wisdom of one tutored by the Valar.

MG: …I wonder if this was a last-minute patch to cover for how Incanus was previously mentioned as both opposing Swahilloguz and serving him. Though how advising an ally of Sauron in any capacity serves his mission from the Valar, unless he’s trying to moderate Swahilloguz and turn him towards a more benevolent path (in which case… I don’t think it’s working).

You serve the Vala Ulbandi, in Forodwaith.”

“I do,” she replied insolently, deciding he mocked. “I was so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I cannot imagine harder trials or a greater burden than such grief. My condolences.”

Kasanari: *confused* Incanus had a son? Is this the first time we’ve heard about that?

MG: I think it is. Now, canonically, the only Maia we know for sure to have had a child was Melian (though some of the progenitors of the various talking animals and other magical creatures – including Thorondor, Glaurung, Draugluin, etc. – may have also originally been Maiar). So… not impossible, but does strain credulity, I think?

“Thank you,” Incánus said, slighted by her contemptuous use of the death of his son. “Your heart must swell with pride at the accomplishments of your own children. Forgive me, I’ve lost track. What has become of that bewitching daughter of yours?”

“I’m afraid I filled her pretty little head with too many tales of the prowess and staffs of the Heren Istarion when she was a child,” Lemminkäinen answered. “She is positively dying to meet you, as well as the rest of our Order. She speaks of little else.

Arueshalae: And Lemminkainen has children – or at least a daughter – too? How interesting that both of Polychron’s original wizards have children, while none of Tolkien’s five did… And is this conversation actually going to matter, or not? And why did Lemminkainen apparently instill her daughter with hero-worship of her fellow wizards, when they’re now her enemies? *she sighs* I give up on understanding this story, I swear to Desna…

* * * * *

The twins reappeared before Eldarion, Alatar, Calcarin and the hobbits. “We feared for your safety,” Eldarion told them. “You were gone so long.”

Kasanari: *muttering* If only they actually were in real danger… did I say that out loud?

“Your mother is safely out of Imladris,” Elrohir informed him.

Eldarion gripped both their shoulders. “Thank you.”

“Something has been going on outside,” Alatar told them. “Many rode away last night, after you left. The rest of Glorfindel’s guests and his newest Ringwraiths departed Imladris with their men-at-arms this morning before Sun rise.”

“We saw,” Elladan affirmed. “Ulbandi sent most of the kings and queens back to their lands to gather their armies. She plans to invade the rest of Under-earth.

Arueshalae: I’m still waiting for an explanation of why this is a bad thing for Middle-earth? Perhaps Polychron should have spent more time exploring Under-earth, if we were meant to be so invested in its fate?

This morning, Glorfindel sent his new Nazgûl Kings and Queens to gather their armies so he can invade the Shire.

MG: From where? Seriously, where exactly are all of these kingdoms (we only know a few of them!), and how are they planning to get to the Shire when it’s very far away for most of the ones we do know, and they’ll have to fight their way through the armies of the Reunited Kingdom, who probably won’t be that happy to have one of their protectorates threatened? Sometimes it really feels like Polychron thinks war is just clicking points on a map and then poof, you have an army there. Compared to how detailed Tolkien was about this stuff, it’s incredibly frustrating.

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 68

We will attend to these matters soon. First, we must get the six of you to safety.”

Crack.

A hairline fracture zigzagged across the surface of the dragon egg.

Kasanari: Ah, yes, the dragon egg that was mentioned briefly last chapter and then ignored, how could I forget it… ah, wait, I did forget. Carry on.

“Summon Emperor Glorfindel and Queen Thüringel!” the Captain of the Easterling guards ordered his lieutenant. “Immediately!”

“Yes sir!” his lieutenant cried. He ran from the room shouting.

“We cannot allow a wyrmling to imprint on Glorfindel,” Alatar told them. “Nor Thüringel,” Eldarion said. “Some nestlings grow quickly into dragons.”

MG: Okay, one, this seems like Polychron has just grabbed tropes from any number of “dragon rider” themed series and crudely inserted them into Middle-earth. As far as we know, Middle-earth dragons don’t “imprint,” nor can they be easily controlled – the dragons of the First Age served Morgoth, but after his fall they essentially became independent, setting up shop in the Withered Heath and the far North and not seeming to be subject to anyone at all (though Gandalf feared the possibility of an alliance between Smaug and Sauron, which is why he sponsored Thorin’s quest). Second, per the Sil, the lives of dragons are “long and slow,” and it seems to have taken Glaurung centuries to reach his adult stature and power. So maybe dragons grow “quickly” by the standards of elves and Maiar (even that is debatable), but “quickly” is very relative!

Loremaster’s Headache: 519

“We are more concerned about Ulbandi,” Elladan told him. “We do not know what has become of her.”

MG: Making googly-eyes at Estel in the gardens, apparently. *gags*

“Nor Lemminkäinen and her servant-queens,” Elrohir added. “Anfauglir and Latistha. A dragon in any of their hands would be catastrophic.”

“I’m afraid there may be too many of them and too few of us,” Alatar warned.

“This is not the first time we have faced great power and greater numbers,” Elladan told him. “Doubtless, it will not be the last.”

Arueshalae: Unless you all die today – then it will be the last!

Elrohir asked the wizard. “How long can you hold Ulbandi off?”

“Hold her off?!” he responded. “You’re talking about a Vala as if a mortal creature! You mean survive against her!!”

MG: *shrugs* I mean, Alatar, you’re a Maia. You’re weaker than she is, probably much weaker, but you’re probably strong enough that she can’t just brush you aside with no effort, either. You’re closer to being her equal than any of our other “heroes,” at least.

“Hush,” Elladan warned. “Though I trust your spells, it does no good to shout.”

“You keep forgetting,” Elrohir reminded. “You first saw Ulbandi in Aman, unincarnate.”

“Clothed in flesh,” Elladan assured him, “she can be defeated if her body is destroyed. If we kill her, her spirit will be forced to return to Aman. There she will face the Judgement of the Valar, as Morgoth did.”

MG: Okay, one, when did Alatar see Ulbandi in Aman unincarnate (though he presumably knew her unincarnate before Arda was made); when did she ever live in Aman? Two, the Valar had to actually capture Morgoth – their spirits aren’t just drawn back to Aman to face judgment automatically. Sauron was killed multiple times in Middle-earth, and he always just retreated somewhere he could make a new body. And third, this can’t help but feel like the bit in the first Jackson Hobbit movie, where Fili and Kili are trying to talk Bilbo into spying on the trolls by telling him how slow and stupid trolls are, and that they’ll never catch him. I’m imagining Alatar looking about as reassured as Bilbo did (which is to say, not at all).

Loremaster’s Headache: 521

Alatar looked down and sighed. “Very well. Since we have the advantage of surprise and I will be striking first… I should be able to hold her off for three minutes. Perhaps less.”

Arueshalae: …that’s very specific.

“What is the soonest she could possibly vanquish you?” Elrohir asked.

Kasnari: I don’t know, immediately if she takes him by surprise or he makes a really bad mistake and leaves himself open? You can’t really put a hard number on this sort of thing!

“I have to say,” Alatar told them. “I despise the direction of this conversation! You both do understand this, don’t you?”

MG: On the one hand, the twins are basically offering Alatar up as bait, so… I get it, really. On the other, the way Polychron writes him, he really is sounding more like a petulant child than a great wizard, isn’t he?

“We do,” the twins said, softly.

“I will give you three minutes before I fall,” the wizard said. “No matter what.”

MG: Unfortunately, it turned out that Alatar was right earlier about his chances, and Ulbandi knocked him out in three seconds… the good news was, she immediately went back to making out with Estel, so everyone escaped while she was distracted.

“That will be enough,” Elladan affirmed. He removed a dazzling white diamond set on a mithril band, from the many they carried, which Fastred had found in the Treasury of Elendil. He fastened the first on Eldarion’s head, placing the diamond in the center of his brow. “Wearing timbarëmírë is how we and the Chiefs of the Dúnedain have ever gone to battle.”

MG: Okay, so this is correct Quenya (literally “forehead-jewel”) but I’m not seeing any indication this term was ever used anywhere but this fic (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong!) or where Polychron is getting it, unless it’s a reference to the Elendilmir (which we’ve already seen elsewhere) or similar diadems worn by the kings of Numenor and Arnor and certain other prominent Numenoreans. In any case, if you have to wear a diamond on your forehead for every battle, that seems really impractical, doesn’t it?

Loremaster’s Headache: 522

Elanor put on hers. The twins put one on Alatar, Calcarin, Theo and Fastred.

“Thank you tyenya, on behalf of myself and our friends,” Eldarion said. “It is an honor to fight beside every one of you.” He drew Ringil. It glittered with a cold light. “Estel is mine.”

“I will avenge my family against Lucifugus,” Calcarin told them. Drawing the Sword of the Bloodstone, it gleamed luminous red.

Arueshalae: Uh… good luck? I think? *in aside* Did we know this was something we should care about?

Theo drew the glowing edge of Sting. “Glorfindel is mine.”

Kasanari: So, the twins feel they have reason to hate their half-brother, and apparently Calcarin has a grudge against Lucifugus… but why does Theo get Glorfindel, exactly? Or is he just calling out names at random? That’s… very underwhelming, if so!

From their packs, the twins withdrew the pieces of their polearms. They looked down at Theo and back up at Eldarion as they assembled them, preparing to speak. Eldarion stopped them with a shake of his head and Theo was very grateful for his faith in him. Elanor drew Eket.

“What can we do?” Fastred asked. He drew Sam’s barrow-blade with less confidence. Looking at the blood red eyes on the spiraling serpents threading over the cross guards on his sword, he swore he’d act as decisively as any and prove himself a worthy companion.

Kasanari: Well, there’s still plenty of unclaimed enemies, if we’re just randomly calling out who you’d like to stab, so take your pick!

“Alatar’s first strike against Ulbandi must kill her,” Elladan answered.

Arueshalae: I thought you just wanted him to delay her for three minutes? Now you’re expecting him to kill her (which is easier to say than to do, in my experience with beings of such magnitude)? Can you please make up your minds?

“Eldarion will aid and protect him. Elladan and I will kill Glorfindel and Thüringel, and as many of the others as we encounter.

Arueshalae: See! I thought you wanted Estel?

Calcarin and you three must use your blades and Rings to destroy the Nazgûl.”

Kasanari: So, all of that initial calling out of who everyone wanted to kill was entirely pointless when they were actually assigned to fight other people, I guess? Such lovely writing!

Doubtful, full of fear and trembling, nonetheless they nodded.

The twins looked at each other, communicating more than words. Closing their eyes, they concentrated. Their forms shimmered.

Elanor saw their Rings glow.

MG: Eru save us, first it was Glorfindel, now the twins have gone Super Saiyan too! Run for your lives!

“In the far, far distance,” Calcarin noted, lifting his head and cocking his ear. “From far away in the heights of the mountains, I hear… the beginnings of the faintest roar.”

“What is it?” Alatar asked.

Kasanari: I would guess that they are summoning the floods of Bruinen… which, unless someone is trying to cross the fords right at this minute, seem unlikely to accomplish much, admittedly.

Glorfindel and Thüringel ran into the Meeting Room. Excited, they dismissed and cleared everyone out. Closing and locking the heavy double doors, they stood side by side just outside the meeting tables enclosing the dragon egg.

Crick.

Another zig-zag fracture tore across the egg’s white surface.

“Oh, I can hardly wait!!” Thüringel exclaimed. “This is so exciting!” Crackle.

Arueshalae: *flatly* How does Polychron manage to write evil overlords who have such power and gravitas? I am in awe. *beat* Not… not really. In case there was any confusion.

Kasanari: …there wasn’t, trust me.

Three more fractures spread, connecting the other two. A sharp baby dragon tooth broke through the egg’s white surface.

“Now!” the twins shouted. With their polearms whirling, they drove the steel through the enchanted wall and shattered the great mirror. Launching themselves into the room through the open magical portal, they attacked Glorfindel and Thüringel. Following close behind came Eldarion, Alatar, Calcarin and the hobbits.

MG: …weirdly, all I can think of for what’s probably going through Glorfindel and Thuringel’s minds right now is that one Order of the Stick strip where Redcloak reflects on how random people are always showing up to try and kill him and Xykon… including one time a bunch of druids jumped out of their potted fern and attacked.

Kasanari: …*looking around* It wasn’t me!

Glorfindel and Thüringel turned, and together yelled at Alatar. “You!”

“Akašân Mâchan uruš igas, Athâraigas Dušamanûðân!!” Alatar shouted. His staff became blindingly bright and cast his most powerful enchantment.

Arueshalae: I’m fairly certain wizards in this universe don’t have to prepare spells beforehand (imagine how much they must save on parchment and spell components!) but even so… shouldn’t Alatar be saving that for Ulbandi?

Thüringel was screaming and growing gigantic. A Valarin beam of pure white light intended to kill Ulbandi,

Arueshalae: So why are we wasting it on the less powerful Thuringel, again?

flashed from his blindingly bright staff. It struck her – blasting her monstrous growing form towards the double doors. She had already grown too large to pass through them. The lethal blast blew her skin off and smashed her body through the walls.

Kasanari: *weakly* How… nice.

Feel My Edge: 135 (for Alatar’s spell randomly flaying Thuringel)

“Die!” Glorfindel screamed. Eight ruby red beams shot from his hands at Alatar.

MG: Gods, I was joking about the Super Saiyan thing, but now I’m reminded that Polychron’s fight scenes really do feel more Dragon Ball than LotR…

Eldarion leaped between them lifting Helcar. Deflecting the beams with his magical shield, he struggled to stay standing against the onslaught of power.

The twins closed on Glorfindel with their polearms whirling. Nine Hunters In Grey, the deadly Ringwraiths, rushed in through the shattered wall. Screaming monstrous howls, they made everyone’s blood run cold and blinded their minds with terror. The Nazgûl swooped in front of Glorfindel and lifted their grey bows fitted with long grew arrows.

Arueshalae: They, ah, might want to be using their sidearms now? Because at this range, I’m afraid that by the time they’re ready to shoot, the twins will have already closed with them, and that won’t end well…

A piercing cry rose from Calcarin, the only one not felled by the terror emanating from the Nazgûl, blind to the horror.

MG: …what, do the Nazgul work like Demona’s spell in the episode “City of Stone” from Disney’s Gargoyles, you have to hear and see them to be affected, so a blind person is immune?

His collocoll cry hurt his friend’s ears, but its power was tightly focused and hit all nine Ringwraiths squarely. They dropped their bows and fell to their knees, unable to stand, their dead ears bleeding and their balance – disrupted.

MG: And I guess the collocoll are Howlers, too (which… affects the undead, for some reason?). Wow, Dragon Ball, Gargoyles, Order of the Stick, and now Animorphs… we’re taking a guided tour of popular sci-fi and fantasy this chapter, aren’t we? Sadly, what’s still missing is much of LotR.

The twins swung their polearms and their bladed ends struck two Hunters. Both blades shattered, but the enchantments in the Elvish wood protected their arms. The monsters screamed and fell. Reversing their polearms, they struck two more. Two more blades shattered and two more Nazgûl fell. The twins dropped their shattered polearms and drew their Lhang swords.

Arueshalae: Yes, I have to say, I think the original Nazgul were far more intimidating.

“To arms!” the Easterlings outside the shattered wall shouted to others in the distance.

“The Emperor is under attack!”

Kasanari: *snorts* A little late for that, gentlemen!

Glorfindel lifted his right hand. On his third finger, the black gem glowed atop the Ring which Sauron told the Mirdainions was Alcarinque, the Ring of Kings and Command. But secretly in Barzhûrk he named Rohtalië, the Ring of Usurpation, Tyranny and Corruption.

Arueshalae: Why do we need to know all of this now? *beat* And that “Barzhurk” name doesn’t really look anything like Black Speech…

Rings-a-Palooza: 209

A cold black beam shot from his hand and struck Calcarin. His ears began ringing. His mind filled with a cacophony of false images. He fell to his knees blind, confused and helpless.

MG: Okay, now we can add the Mandarin’s rings from Marvel – the bad guy wears a bunch of rings that each shoots out a beam that does something different! Which is, uh, not how Rings of Power work…

“What fools you are!” Glorfindel laughed at the twins. He drew his sword. Before him, the five remaining Nazgûl rose. Horror and deathly fear rose with them. “Together, you lack half the wit of trolls! Even they know better than to challenge the Emperor in his own home!”

Kasanari: Now, now. It’s not like the Emperor is making a particularly good showing of himself either.

“This is not your home!” Elrohir shouted. Devastated by terror, he still resisted, aided by the power of his Ring. Refusing to succumb, he lifted his trembling hands. They glowed as bright and hot as stars, hotter and brighter than the fires of Glorfindel. “It is ours!”

Arueshalae: I mean, Glorfindel lived here for longer than you were alive, I believe, so he may not have owned it, but I think he has a reasonable claim to it being his home?

Glorfindel screamed and fell beneath the burning radiance blasting out from Elrohir’s fingers. The undead flesh of the five Nazgûl began smoking, then burst into bright-blue eldritch flames. The Ringwraiths screamed, their undead flesh burned and they fell.

Kasanari: *looking back up at her previous comment* See what I mean?

Arwen ran up behind the two Easterlings that had been outside, guarding the broken doors, a dagger in each of her hands. As they drew their swords and prepared to enter, she stabbed them in the back. They screamed and fell dead.

“Sister!” the twins shouted. Running to her as she entered, they lowered their swords.

“Why have you returned to the valley?” Elladan asked.

Arueshalae: More to the point, how did she return to the valley? Wasn’t she escorted to safety? How did she get back in, past all of Glorfindel and Thuringel’s minions and their guests, all without any warning whatsoever until she just ran in here? What’s going on anymore?

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 69

“I want his head!” Arwen screamed, pointing her bloody daggers at Glorfindel. The twins turned. Glorfindel’s smoking form rose painfully from the ground.

Arwen raised her bloody daggers – to stab her brothers in the back.

Arueshalae: …of course she did.

The Unfair Sex: 157

“Beware!” a cry rang out. Behind Arwen, Incánus’ staff shot a golden beam of light and it enveloped Arwen in a golden oval. She was imprisoned and immobile, as if encased in amber.

MG: And I guess Incanus is a Green (or rather, Gold) Lantern, on top of everything else! Because that sure isn’t Middle-earthian magic!

In the distance, an army of Easterlings came charging towards the House of Glorfindel.

“You cannot beat me here or anywhere else!” Glorfindel yelled.

Kasanari: …that would be a lot more dramatic if it wasn’t coming from a man who was just lying in smoking ruins on the ground.

Elrohir grabbed Arwen, the golden glow incasing her vanished and she collapsed in his arms, unconscious. The golden beam had held even her lungs immobile.

Arueshalae: …suffocating her and ending her part in the story, as well as being the culmination of Polychron’s inexplicable hatred for her?

Eldarion and Alatar joined them at the door.

Elrohir handed Arwen to Eldarion. “Carry your mother out of the valley! We will destroy Glorfindel and bring our companions.”

Eldarion nodded. He and Arwen vanished.

“You foolish unlicked cubs!” Glorfindel sneered at the twins and Alatar. “I am protected by Prophesy. No man can defeat the one who wears the Ring of the Witch King!”

MG: Okay, one, there’s no indication that the prophecy about the Witch-King was tied to his ring, it was about him. Two, considering the Witch-king was rather famously defeated and destroyed, boasting that you’ve inherited his invulnerability may not be as impressive as you think. Three, the twins are, as Polychron keeps reminding us, elves (or at least, part-elves who’ve lived as elves), ergo not human, ergo could slip through the same loophole of prophecy as Merry did for his part in the Witch-king’s defeat. And finally, didn’t Glorfindel himself make up that prophecy in this twisted version of the story? Why is he counting on a prophecy he knows is fake to save him, unless he’s just meant to be boasting wildly in the hope of scaring the twins off?

Loremaster’s Headache: 523

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 184

“That’s not true!” Theo cried. As the others fought, he and Fastred had crept around behind Glorfindel. Now they leaped up, swinging their swords. “My father laid the Witch King low in the Pelennor Fields and we’re here to do it again!”

MG: Okay, one, your father helped. Eowyn was the one who actually finished him off. Two, your father had a sword specifically enchanted to destroy the Witch-king, and it weakened him enough to make him killable – do you have a special anti-Glorfindel weapon, by chance? Didn’t think so.

If Theo had remained silent just as Merry had, they might have succeeded. Alerted by his cry, Glorfindel leaped up well clear of their blades. Landing nimbly, his long sword struck Fastred. Off balance, he hit him with just the flat of his blade. It was more than enough to send Fastred flying backwards. He rolled under the meeting tables and struck the cracking dragon egg.

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 185

“Fastred!” Elanor shouted. “Theo – watch out!!”

Glorfindel swung his sword again, cutting across Theo neatly. Sam’s mithril coat saved him, but the blow batted him across the room. Theo struck the far wall, dropped Sting and hit the ground. Groping, he found the pommel. Grasping it and gasping, he rose on unsteady legs.

“You are the son of Meriadoc?!” Glorfindel shouted, raising his hands and his Rings began to glow. “Let the son of the one who hurt us atone for the sins of the father!”

MG: …what exactly do you have against Merry, Glorfindel? Or do you just think you are the Witch-king now?

“Ow!” Calcarin cried. He fell to the floor, his hands against his ears. “Make it stop!!”

Glorfindel locked eyes with Theo. A brilliant glow and a deafening shriek rose from Arien, the Ring of the Eclipsed Black Sun. It was taken up by the other Rings. They flared bright and hot. Framed in the darkest shadows, they burned brightly across Glorfindel’s body.

Drowning out the others, the Morgul spirit in Arien SCREAMED.

MG: …I don’t think that’s a thing? *sighs heavily*

Everyone fell to the ground, their hands on their ears, unable to stop the pain, except Calcarin. He stopped his ears with collocoll dough. Remembering where last they stood, he rose and went to the twins. He filled their ears with dough and pulled out more. The twins guided him to where Alatar lay writhing in pain.

“Use the Sky-stone!” Elladan shouted to Theo.

“This is why you were chosen!” Elrohir yelled.

Arueshalae: Oh, yes, that was part of the underground journey, wasn’t it? How… very convenient?

Theo tried, but his eyes were locked on Glorfindel’s and his body was frozen in place.

Two beams of brightly burning fire burst out of Glorfindel’s demonic eyes. They ignited the air and burned as they cut across the room. The two lines of leaping flames shot straight through the Meeting Room heading for the imprisoned eyes of Théoden.

MG: And there we have it, folks. Glorfindel has laser eyes (or possibly Polychron was ripping off Darkseid and his Omega beams; wouldn’t surprise me, tbh). Let me repeat that. Glorfindel. Has. Laser eyes. Glorfindel… from LotR… has… *sighs, buries their head in their hands* It’s… it’s too much, people. Just… just wow. What even is this chapter?

*whispering* Glorfindel has laser eyes.

“Look away!” Alatar Commanded.

Theo couldn’t move. His body spasmed with desperate effort, but he was transfixed, pinned in the deadly grip of the living fires lancing through the air.

They struck his eyes and he screamed. His body began to glow.

“Alatar!” Elanor pleaded. “Save him!!”

Fire burst from Theo’s hands and his hairy hobbit feet caught fire.

Arueshalae: That is perhaps the silliest way to describe an objectively horrific scene that I’ve ever encountered.

Flames flared up, erupting from the top of his head. The fire consuming Theo grew bright as a furnace and his scream merged with Glorfindel’s Rings. The scream of the Ring of the Witch King rose above the others, exulting in revenge. Soon the screams began to fade. The deadly brilliance enveloping Theo dimmed. The fires linking Glorfindel’s eyes to where Theo’s had been went out.

All that remained was his mithril coat, scorched sword belt and timbarëmírë, lying atop a small pile of smoking ash. Where he had dropped it at his feet, there lay Sting.

MG: …yep. That sounds a lot like the Omega Effect, all right. Guess we can add “Kirby’s New Gods” to the list of things that aren’t LotR that have found their way into this chapter. And, as horrific as that was… I can’t really bring myself to care? Like, I feel like I barely knew Theo – he was always just “that other hobbit who isn’t Elanor or Fastred.” It kind of leaves me with the feeling that he only existed in the story to die (especially since he was the only one of the three hobbits not named in the Appendices, IIRC), but since Polychron didn’t really sink any effort into developing him beforehand, it leaves me cold. I really wish I had more to say about this – this is, supposedly, one of our main characters who just died! – but I really, really can’t, and I think that’s as big a condemnation as any I can make.

Feel My Edge: 136

“I will find the Master-ring and bend the Valar to my will!” Glorfindel cried. “I have learned the secret: the shortest distance between two points – are the Fire Eyes of Glorfindel!”

Kasanari: …as far as answers to riddles go, that makes absolutely no sense at all. Glorfindel, you need to sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done.

“Theo, no!” Elanor lamented, drawing Glorfindel’s attention. For the first time, he saw the Ring of Power on her finger as she lifted it, trying to use it to attack him. “You monster!”

“Glorfindel!” Elrohir called. Pointing his sword at him, he and his brother ran forward.

“The hobbits have a saying, ‘you should pick on someone your own size!’”

Arueshalae: I don’t think they do, actually? And I feel compelled to note that size is not, in fact, equal to power.

“The true scope of my new powers have been revealed!” Glorfindel laughed. He ignored them and rejoiced at the first of his many coming victories.

Kasanari: Your true powers… are being able to shoot energy blasts out of your eyes? As opposed to Sauron, whose dominion extended through Orodruin itself to the very ground of Mordor and could steer entire armies by force of his will alone – and that without his ring? Consider me extremely underwhelmed.

“All I required were worthy foes!” He turned to Elanor. “Look at me! See your death – in the Fire Eyes of Glorfindel!”

Arueshalae: Based on what we just saw with Theo, I think Glorfindel can only kill one person at a time with his “Fire Eyes,” and it’s not instantaneous, so I have to share the good druid’s opinion about this. This is, perhaps, a useful weapon – but it is hardly an ultimate one!

“Here we are!” Elladan shouted. He and Elrohir ran between Glorfindel and their friends.

“Not one foe, but two! All the better for you. Try and do to us what you did to our friend!”

“Or perhaps,” Elrohir said, splitting from his brother. The two of them went around Glorfindel, closing from opposite directions. “If you engage your Fire Eyes to slay one of us, the other will slay you!”

Arueshalae: And it seems that both the twins and the author have realized this! So yes, I find myself most unimpressed.

“I need not hold your eyes!” Glorfindel told them, but backed away fearfully. “I have only to ensnare them a moment. Then your lives and Rings of Power will be mine!”

Caught off guard, the twins stopped.

“Yes, you simple-twins!” Glorfindel sneered.

Kasanari: …that was an atrocious pun.

Linguistic Confusions: 59 (and in English, not Westron!)

“I have studied the Lore of the Rings and searched for years within the Palantír. I know where all the Eleven and Five have lain hidden. I claim yours now and the lives of these Ringbearers! All the Rings of Power will be mine!!”

Arueshalae: *yawning* Oh, do be quiet. I lost my interest in these sorts of rants centuries ago – when you hear them too often, they all start blurring together.

Rings-a-Palooza: 210

Glorfindel locked eyes with Elladan. Two trails of fire lanced across the room. Before they could strike, Elrohir vanished and Elladan followed. The flames continued on, striking the wall behind them. It burst into flames, setting the House of Glorfindel on fire.

All Sporkers: *facepalm*

“How can you hide?” Glorfindel asked. His eyes darted around the room. “Even before I wore these Rings, I could still see the wraith world!”

Kasanari: …you’re not making the villain look less like an utter buffoon, Polychron.

No answer came.

“A hobbit trick won’t work on me!” Glorfindel screamed. He too vanished.

Arueshalae: Because two elves vanishing using magical elvish rings… counts as a hobbit trick? Bilbo’s influence was longer than I realized!

Fire Eyes shot from where he had been standing, through the place where Elrohir had stood. The burning beams struck the wooden pillar behind. It broke apart and the falling pieces caught fire. The burning remnants crashed to the floor.

“You cannot escape!” Glorfindel shouted.

MG: Wait a minute… Elladan and Elrohir are dancing around the room, evading Glorfindel and he’s setting his own house on fire as he tries to keep hitting them… Glorfindel has officially descended to the level of Admiral Zhao from Avatar: The Last Airbender, specifically “The Deserter,” which wasn’t exactly Zhao’s finest hour. *applauds sarcastically* Great job, Glorfindel! You’re totally ready to take Sauron’s throne.

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 186

Fire Eyes shot from different places as invisible, he leaped around the room. He struck tapestries, ceiling beams and arches. The House of Glorfindel burned. “I will incinerate every room, every building, every tree! I will destroy this entire valley – you will not leave alive!”

Arueshalae: And then you won’t have an empire! I really don’t think you’re thinking this through at all!

“Stop, you fool!” Thüringel cursed. She ran in her normal size and hideously mangled, smoking true form. Half her undead flesh had been blasted off. Many of her bones were broken.

Feel My Edge: 137

“You are worse than fools,” the voices of Elladan and Elrohir echoed through the room, coming from everywhere and nowhere, “believing you can hold Rivendell against us. Not Maiar, Elves nor Valar can hold these mountain fields and streams against the Sons of Elrond!”

Kasanari: And then our supposed “heroes” have to chime in, with a level of overconfidence that’s quite literally blasphemous. This entire room is full of people inviting calamities down on themselves, isn’t it?

A terrible roar, such as Elanor had never heard before, filled her ears.

Arueshalae: Oh, did Estel get back? He does seem to do that.

It was so loud, she could no longer think. Blind with terror, the roaring shook the building and bled into her mind.

Held in the Misty Mountains by the twins for days, above dry riverbeds and over empty waterfalls came the antediluvian floodwaters – crashing, battering and slamming down the walls. They filled the forests and fields throughout the whole of the valley. Surging above the tops of the buildings, they smashed through the attacking armies of Easterlings, Fallen Elves, Petty- Dwarves and Men. They crushed the barracks and armories with all their enemies, battering them down the fields and over the falls. Drowning Men and Beasts, the flood swept everything away.

MG: So. Huh. I guess the twins holding the river back for so long is why the river overflowed its banks so badly, then? And in any case, at least for those armies Glorfindel had gathered that were still here in the valley (which, admittedly, isn’t all of them)… I guess that’s it. Along with “Glorfindell” and the seat of his “Gondolin Refounded” empire, too. And though it’s far from the end of the story – if nothing else, there are plenty of other villains still out there too, and it’s not like Glorfindel is finished here – it still can’t help but feel incredibly anticlimactic. Not to mention that it’s pretty obviously just a redux of the drowning of Isengard from LotR on top of that (except Glorfindel still has a significant force present, whereas Saruman had sent the vast majority of his forces off to attack Rohan so a lot more people drowned in this version…). And there’s just something I find kind of… mean spirited, I guess, that it’s Rivendell where all this was happening, and one of the most iconic and beloved locations in LotR that just got destroyed.

Happy Ending Override: 33

The minute before the massive waves struck, invisible hands picked Elanor and Calcarin up, carrying them out of the building. Outside, a forty-foot wall of water bore down on them from which there was no escape. Elanor screamed. Shutting her eyes, she buried her face in Elladan’s suddenly visible shoulder.

Kasanari: For our supposed main character, Elanor certainly has done rather a lot of ineffective screaming this chapter, hasn’t she?

“We will not allow any harm to come to you!” Elladan said, loudly over the approaching flood. “Open your eyes! You are the first outside our family to behold the power of Gaearon!”

The moment before the floodwaters hit, Elladan’s golden Ring of Power glowed, Gaearon, the Ring of Oceans. With the coming of a great wind and a terrible roar, the wall of rushing water parted, echoing like a tunnel and reforming around them. Steps formed along the moving sides of the water’s flowing walls and the Elvish twins darted nimbly to the top.

MG: …the twins are waterbenders, apparently. Why the hells not. *facepalm*

Rings-a-Palooza: 211

Wherever they went, they brought a waveless circle of calm, carrying Elanor and Calcarin.

Over the surface of the raging flood they ran, a trough of stillness through Chaos, leading to the edge of the valley. Beneath their feet, a flat disc of hard water rose atop a geyser, lifting them to the top.

MG: I just… I just can’t even muster a response anymore.

They stepped onto the cliff beside the incredulous face of Incánus. He held Arwen imprisoned in bands of golden light around her hands and feet. Next to him were Eldarion, Drendelen, Marcidelén and Alatar. The wizard helped Fastred feed the last of the egg yolks to the baby red dragon in his arms. Broken eggshell pieces lay on the ground around him.

MG: And yes, Fastred has a dragon now, too. Doing a dragon rider story in Middle-earth, where dragons are usually hostile to mortals due to their connection to Morgoth and seemingly instinctive drive to hoard treasure, would be very difficult, IMO – but might be all the more interesting for it in the hands of an author willing and able to do it well. I do not think Demetrious Polychron is that author (we’re so close to the end of the fic it’s hard to tell exactly what he would’ve done with it beyond “a baby dragon imprinted on Fastred” – but between this and the Turin stone and everyone talking Fastred up as much as possible, we have all the more reasons why part of me suspects Fastred is the real author avatar in this story).

Behind them, piled high against the sides of the cliffs were a great many rolls and scrolls, and stack after stack after stack of loose parchment leaves, folios, leaflets and many high piles of hard-bound ancient books.

The twins had transported the entire library of Rivendell with the help of Arwen, Incánus, Drendelen and Marcidelén, before summoning the flood.

Arueshalae: Oh, for Desna’s sake, they transported the entire library out and no one noticed? Really?

Gently, they set Elanor and Calcarin down. Taking off their own timbarëmírë, they put them away. They helped the others do the same and left them in their keeping. They were now members of the most elite secret fighting force in Middle-earth.

Kasanari: *nonplussed* What, the rangers of the North? The twins themselves? I am confused and irritated, which seems an appropriate reaction to this fic.

Elanor looked out over the cliffs. Far below, the floodwaters were carrying everything away. But the waters swelled larger, rising higher and growing louder. A terrible fear filled her: perhaps the twins had released forces they could no longer control.

MG: Nah; that would require Polychron to acknowledge his beloved Murder Twins were fallible.

Fastred handed Alatar the satisfied and drowsing baby dragon. Elanor shook in terror before the rising water and the screams of drowning armies. She cried at the horrible loss of life, even for her enemies, and for Theo.

Arieshalae: At least somebody is acknowledging all the deaths? Even if, sadly, it doesn’t appear to be the author…

Fastred took her in his arms and held her, crying just as hard for the loss of his dearest friend. They sobbed until exhaustion took her.

Collapsing in his arms, she knew no more.

Arueshalae: How many times has she fainted now, exactly?

MG: Too many, honestly. It’s like all Polychron could think to do with her in this scene was to have her be shocked, weeping, or unconscious. Anyway, that’s it for this chapter! Wow, that was a lot, wasn’t it? And it contained some of the moments I’ve been waiting to share with you for the whole fic, though I’m not sure if “the villains have a frank discussion where they compare each other’s naughty bits” or “Glorfindel has laser eyes” quite takes the cake for the most inexplicable (though the infodump on the Autono-men or the blasting fire being some sort of god-killing superweapon have to be up there too). I mean, really, what more is there to say? But in many ways, this chapter feels like it’s an encapsulation of the whole fic – way too many villains, plot points that go nowhere, conversations between random characters that amount to nothing, heroes who stand around observing things until they suddenly decide to jump in and sweep their way to victory, too many Rings of Power, too many new superpowers, weird and gross sexual content, weird and gross treatment of women in general, and quite a lot of death and destruction that’s glossed over far too quickly for any of it to feel like it matters. Whew.

In any case, we’re almost done! We’ve only got two full chapters of the fic left to go, though the penultimate chapter is also one of the longest, so we’ll be splitting it up. We’ll also be saying goodbye to Arueshalae, since we’ve passed the parts I wanted her to comment on – a round of applause for our friendly ascended succubus, everyone! And Arue, I’m so glad we could have you join us! Anyway, next time we’ll begin what’s essentially an extended denoument, as Polychron ties off a bunch of loose ends (including what’s going on with Arwen) and introduces some more… in time for our third and final climax, and some final out-of-nowhere twists, in the last chapter! We’ll see you then! Our counts stand at:

Bigger, Louder, More!: 106

Expansion-Pack World: 73

Feel My Edge: 137

Happy Ending Override: 33

Linguistic Confusions: 59

Loremaster’s Headache: 523

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 87

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 186

Rings-a-Palooza: 211

Take That, Tolkien!: 55

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 69

The Unfair Sex: 157