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masterghandalfThis is a repost from Das_Sporking2. Previous installments of this spork may be found here.
Warning: These chapters contain some violence and mind rape.
MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Robert Newcomb’s The Scrolls of the Ancients! Last time, we met some people (including Wulfgar) who had been taken captive by a bunch of monster slavers led, inexplicably, by an evil clown, while the book’s actual main antagonist ransacked an herbalist’s shop. Today, we check back in with our actual protagonists (ugh…) as Krassus makes his move. Joining us today will be Ash and Tahiri!
Chapter Three
Tahiri: Well, we open the chapter with Faegan the wizard yelling out Dreng! Which sounds like it should be a curse, but is apparently actually part of a game, since he happily jots down a new score and sits back in his chair smugly pleased with himself, petting his blue cat (I’m sure there’s some planet out there that has those…) and waiting for Wigg’s “inevitable” outburst. *beat* What are they, four?
“Once again I say you’re cheating! You must be!” Wigg shouted back. His jaw stuck out like the prow of a ship. “You’re using the craft! I don’t know how you’re managing it, but I’ll find out! No one gets a full dreng on only two hands! Not even you!” Wigg, onetime lead wizard of the Directorate, was becoming more furious by the minute. His craggy face was red, and he glared at Faegan with the mighty, all-consuming surety of his convictions.
Tahiri: Wow. You’d think trying to use magic to cheat at a game you’re playing against another wizard wouldn’t be smart, but apparently it works! And I can’t help but notice that we went from a bunch of people being taken as slaves, brutalized, and some of them killed – to the two old sleemos who are supposed to be protecting them… not doing that, because they’re too busy having a childish argument about a game. *sigh* This is going to be a long book, I just know it…
Ash: And Faegan only grins as he picks up the cards and starts shuffling again, which only makes me all the surer he is cheating, knows it, and doesn’t care if anyone else knows it too. We then cut to Tristan, who’s watching all this, and apparently the wizards have been at this for an hour, for the Dark Maiden’s sake! Now I’m just imagining Faegan scamming Wigg out of all his money in increasingly blatant ways, while Wigg just sits there turning red and yelling at him but not doing anything about it as he gets robbed blind. We also learn that normally Tristan finds the wizards’ bickering entertaining, but now it’s starting to annoy him. Funny, it’s starting to annoy me, and I’ve only just met them! Then again, I did read the previous sporkings of this series, and it’s not left me thinking very highly of either of them.
Tahiri: Oh, but it gets better, because it turns out Wigg and Faegan aren’t the only ones playing! As follows:
Six of them were playing the card game dreng, and the score was tied. Wigg captained the team consisting of himself, his daughter Celeste, and Tristan. The team sitting across from them was made up of Faegan, Geldon the hunchbacked dwarf, and Princess Shailiha, Tristan’s twin sister. Morganna, Shailiha’s baby, sat on the carpet, batting at some scattered toys. At first Wigg had not wanted to play, arguing, as usual, that there were far more important matters to attend to. In truth he had probably been right. But after some stiff cajoling by Shailiha and what Tristan thought to be comic but shameless outright begging by Celeste, the lead wizard had finally given in.
Tahiri: Huh. For once, I actually agree with Wigg on something. The country is falling apart around you – do you really have time for this? And then there’s this:
These two strong-willed women had become Wigg’s and Faegan’s soft spots, and everyone in the palace knew it. There was in fact very little in this world that the two women could not get either of the wizards to do, especially if they both asked at once—a strategy the women had been quick to learn, and to capitalize upon.
Tahiri: Which just makes it sound like the only power these “strong-willed women” have is their ability to wrap men around their fingers and get them to do things for them. Great.
Gender Wars: 2
Ash: *flatly* Indeed. Why do I have a feeling that if Wigg or Faegan ever met my goddess, who is powerful in her own right and does not depend on being able to make her father do things for her even though he (or she, or they – gender is not easily defined, where Corellon Larethian is concerned!) is the greatest of the elven gods, they’d keel over in sheer shock? Of course, if they met Lolth instead, they probably wouldn’t live long enough to keel over… Tristan shares a look with his sister, and then looks over at Wigg, to find that The lead wizard’s face was red, and a vein had begun throbbing in his right temple. …why is this starting to sound less like a description of an actual person and more like a picture drawn by a caricature artist?
Tahiri: Because all of these people are caricatures, since that’s all the author can actually write? The twins wonder briefly about whether letting the wizards provoke each other like this is a good idea (if they were actually as wise and mature as they’re supposed to be, it wouldn’t be an issue!) and then Tristan looks over at his weapons, including his knives and “dreggan” (that’s that stupid extendable sword, right? You know, Corran’s lightsaber does that – but it’s a lightsaber, you don’t have to add a device that weakens the blade to make it do that, you just add another setting in the hilt!) and thinks about how after the events of recent months, he always keeps his weapons near him. *subdued* Well… I can’t blame him for that. I practically slept with my lightsaber for months after the shapers had me… Moving on to happier topics, interior decorating!
The room in which they were playing was sumptuous—one of those that had been recently refurbished by the Minions of Day and Night, the winged army Tristan commanded. The marble of the floor and walls was of the palest gray, shot through with streaks of indigo. A huge oil chandelier hung in the center of the ceiling, giving off a soft, comforting glow.
Ash: *stunned* I… honestly didn’t know the Minions had it in them! I bet Ox picked out the chandelier – though I do wonder where they got this stuff. Did some unfortunate family have their decorations “requisitioned for the royal family,” I wonder? It’s also nearly dinner, and although they’re far away from the palace kitchens Tristan fancies he can smell what the gnome wives are cooking. Because of course, the women cook and the men have nothing to do with it! Eilistraee forbid one of the gnome men be the cook! Or even one of the wizards!
Gender Wars: 3
Tahiri: And then we get some recapping. Yay.
Gazing over at the open balcony window, he saw the sun setting down into the western horizon. It had been four months since he had witnessed the death of his son Nicholas and the destruction of the Gates of Dawn. Nicholas had planned to use the gates to rend open the heavens, allowing the return of the Heretics of the Guild, masters of the Vagaries who would then use the dark side of the craft to rule forever. An anomaly in Nicholas’ blood had killed him just before he had been able to accomplish this feat. At that point, the Gates had collapsed and the Heretics had once again been confined to the heavens.
Tahiri: So, I guess anyone who didn’t read the previous books has been brought up to speed now (and learned about how Tristan didn’t have to do anything to defeat Nicholas, who just sort of self-destructed on his own). Of course, if anyone’s reading this without having read the previous books – all I can say is, run while you can, ‘cause I doubt this is going to get any better! We then learn how the winter – or Season of Crystal, for some reason – was harsh (and did you do anything to help your people during this harsh winter, O Prince? Didn’t think so!) but now it’s the Season of New Life, which is Tristan’s favorite. Flower buds and green grass were springing up, and the air was full of the many wonderful scents that only nature’s rebirth could provide. The last few days had been wonderfully warm. So warm, in fact, that today they had been able to leave the balcony doors open for the first time. Okay, speaking as someone who grew up in a desert – that does sound nice. But, why are you leaving the windows open when there’s still a price on your head? That doesn’t seem very smart to me…
Blood Matters: 11
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 4
Ash: As for me, I have a hard time caring about what a wonderful time you all are having hidden in the palace when your people are living in squalor… hits a little too close to home. Suddenly, Tristan is distracted by a shout, and we get a description of Faegan:
Faegan, the impish, three-hundred-year-old rogue wizard, protector of the area of Eutracia known as Shadowood, was the keeper of many secrets. He possessed the very rare power of Consummate Recollection, which allowed him to recall instantly anything he had ever seen, read, or heard. He was also the only living person to have completely read the first two volumes of the Tome, the great book of the craft. His gray-black hair, carelessly parted down the center, fell almost to his shoulders. Over his loose-fitting black robe he wore the Paragon, the bloodred jewel that helped sustain the craft of magic. Amazing gray-green eyes set in an intense, commanding face only hinted at the awesome power lying behind them.
Ash: Isn’t he the same one who left his daughter to be brainwashed by the sorceresses because he couldn’t be bothered to rescue her? I don’t think he’s earned a description that flattering… I’ll refrain from saying what I think of him! We then get a brief description of Geldon, and then we get to Celeste. We get a rundown of how she’s Wigg and Failee’s daughter, was Ragnar’s slave for three hundred years and – of course – how her blood is nearly as powerful as Tristan’s and Shailiha’s.
Dark red hair parted on one side fell down to Celeste’s shoulders. Her sapphire eyes showed both intelligence and compassion. The hint of a cleft in her chin gave her the appearance of personal strength, even though her talents and confidence in her new world above ground were still developing. Whenever Tristan was near her he could smell a hint of myrrh, and it had been her scented, embroidered handkerchief that he had carried into battle to defeat his son Nicholas.
Ash: The description of Celeste doesn’t actually matter to anything; I’m just sharing it so we all know what (or who) is on Tristan’s mind… Meanwhile, we cut back to Wigg and Faegan still arguing, with Wigg insisting Faegan is cheating, and Faegan insisting Wigg is such a bad player he doesn’t need to cheat. Uh, ouch. Faegan then levitates his cards around, annoying Wigg, who thinks he’s got the cards to win this hand. And, uh, maybe if I knew anything about this game, I could tell if he’s right or not? Though apparently, it’s notoriously difficult anyway. And then Shailiha plops down a card, winning this round for her and Faegan’s team, and I just… don’t care about any of this! I don’t know this game, I don’t like these people, and what are we even doing here?
Blood Matters: 12
Exposition Intrusion: 6 (for all the recapping)
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 1 (going to go ahead and start this count with a point for the, uh, effusive description of Faegan)
Tahiri: *glances over at Ash* I mean, I read the previous sporkings before we started this, and “what are we even doing here” is a great question. Well, Wigg angrily looks around for Caprice the butterfly and finds her on the other side of the room where she couldn’t have been spying on his cards, which makes him mad because he still doesn’t know how the other side is cheating, if they are. *thoughtful* You know, I’ve never played much sabacc myself, but if this is how gullible these people are, I bet we could get Captain Solo and Baron-Administrator Calrissian in here to fleece them both of everything they have, even if they’d have to learn a new game first. Serve Wigg and Faegan right, too. But apparently even Tristan’s losing interest in the game – him and all of us – as he just wishes Shawna the Short (why!?) will show up soon to announce dinner is served. Meanwhile, Wigg is still yelling at Faegan for being a cheater… and we spend most of a paragraph explaining how he’s growing his “wizard’s tail” of hair back from where it got cut off in the first book. Uh… I’m happy for him?
Ash: I’m not. I’ve not even known him for a chapter, and I’m already sick of him. Just take the loss, Wigg! Celeste finally asks her father how he thinks Faegan is cheating, and Wigg says he thinks Faegan is using magic to deal invisibly from the bottom of the deck, however that works. Faegan deals the cards again, then says if he was cheating, he’d use a different method. Which he demonstrates by casting a spell that causes all of the characters depicted on the cards to suddenly become naked. *beat* How does that help Faegan? *crosses her arms* You’re just showing off, aren’t you? Everyone bursts out laughing except Wigg (and us); Wigg declares this to be the last straw, but before he can do anything, he and Faegan both stop and share a look. They had sensed the presence of endowed blood—unfamiliar endowed blood. *rubs her forehead* Why does even the spell to sense other mages rely on blood? I think there are nobles in the Underdark less obsessed with breeding than this!
Blood Matters: 13
Tahiri: Well, Tristan draws his dreggan, and then sees that A glow was forming. In one of the far corners of the room, where the ceiling formed a joint with two connecting walls, the familiar azure glow of the craft was coalescing. When it took up the entire corner, its outline started to sharpen. Spooky. A moment later, the image solidifies.
A man hung there like a spider, face to the card players, the fingertips and balls of his feet touching the ceiling and walls behind him. Suddenly he spread his arms wide and launched himself from the wall, landing upright in the exact center of the table. Playing cards went flying high into the air. Shailiha and Celeste recoiled back into their chairs.
Tahiri: Huh. That’s… something. And of course it’s the women who recoil, don’t you know – the men are just too manly for that sort of thing, right? Tristan throws his dreggan – you know that’s just a creative way to disarm yourself, right? Sure, Jedi can throw our lightsabers sometimes, but we can also, you know, call them back to hand – but the man jumps, and it misses. Before Faegan and Wigg can cast anything, he calls up another blue glow that freezes everyone in place. And Tristan could not fathom how the man had so silently, invisibly breached the security of the palace, evading the hundreds of Minion warriors who were camped outside. *rolling her eyes* You just saw the man walk through the wall – or possibly teleport in, not sure about that. Is that not enough for you?
Gender Wars: 4 (for the men – ineffectively – taking action, while the women just “recoil’)
The intruder was tall and gaunt, with a face to match. Straight, stringy locks of pure white hair fell down from the crown of the man’s skull. It was somewhat longer than shoulder length, except for the ragged bangs that covered most of his forehead. But despite the white hair, his age did not seem advanced. Studying the face, Tristan guessed the man to be no more than forty-five Seasons of New Life. His skin was pale, almost gray. Dark brows arched over piercing eyes; the cheekbones were high and elegant. The nose was large, and aquiline. Thin lips formed the straight slash that was his mouth. The cheeks were deeply creased and hollow; the jaw was strong. Taken as a whole the face conveyed tightly controlled intelligence and power. The man was dressed in a full-length robe of two colors, divided down the center. The left-hand side was gray, the color once worn by the Directorate of Wizards and still worn by Wigg. The right-hand side was the dark blue worn by the Brotherhood of Consuls. Unexpectedly, the man began to cough. His hacking began softly, but quickly built in intensity. He finally produced a rag from his robes and covered his mouth briefly. It came away bloody. The sudden sign of illness in the same man who had just executed such clever acrobatics and the lightning-swift construction of a powerful wizard’s warp seemed contradictory indeed.
Ash: …huh. That’s a lot. Even more than Celeste got. The intruder apologizes for his interruption, greeting Wigg by name, and admits that with the Minions standing guard outside this seemed like the only sensible way in, and he has no wish to die sooner than necessary. I… understand the sentiment, but I’m not really sure it explains the acrobatics? That takes some skill to pull off – take it from a professional! Wigg recognizes the man as Krassus - and so he is the evil wizard we’ve met before, surprising no one – and notes that he still wears the robes of First Alternate (apparently the “warp” lets the people it’s imprisoning still speak, if you were wondering about that). Wigg asks if they have Krassus to thank for their many problems, and, beg pardon, but what in the Abyss are you talking about? Nicholas was behind your “problems,” and he’s dead. And it sounds like since then, you’ve been hiding in your basement playing cards! What else has been going on that you think Krassus might be behind? Faegan’s cheating?
Retcons and Revelations: 4 (Krassus, we’ll see, really is a character we should have met long before we did!)
Tahiri: Well, Tristan can tell Wigg knows Krassus but Faegan doesn’t seem to, while Krassus himself says he’s here to offer a truce, if he gets what he wants – information. Faegan finally breaks in, demanding to know who Krassus is and what he wants. Krassus stares at Faegan for a bit, and then introduces himself.
“Faegan,” he said softly, almost reverently, as if he could not believe his eyes. “It must be! The recently departed Nicholas told me you had returned to Tammerland. Until then, I had thought you had passed from flesh and blood into myth. Your power and knowledge are legendary. But forgive me, for you and I have never been properly introduced. I am the consul Krassus. I was at one time both first alternate to the dearly departed Directorate of Wizards and the servant of Nicholas, son of the Chosen One. It is indeed an honor to finally meet you.”
Tahiri: Uh, the pleasure’s… all mine, I guess? At least until you do something really, really horrible, which as a bad guy in these books I’m sure you will sooner or later. Krassus then turns to Tristan, noting who he is and that he’s clearly as impulsive as Krassus had heard. Uh, he drew a sword and tried to attack a clearly dangerous intruder. Not sure how “impulsive” that makes him, really. He then greets Shailiha, who he just calls a “princess” and not a Chosen One even though I’m pretty sure she’s that, too, and then comments that he doesn’t know Celeste, but surely would have remembered a woman that beautiful if they’d met. Great, sounds like he’s a sleemo too, then. Wigg finally asks what exactly Krassus is here for and guesses that he’s now the leader of the supposedly rebellious brotherhood. *splutters* You sure that’s the word you’re looking for, there, Wigg? You know the consuls joined Nicholas! They’re not “supposedly” rebellious, they really are literally traitors! You know that! Krassus agrees that he is but says he’s here to offer terms. He’ll allow everyone in the room now to live, he’ll withdraw the bounty on Tristan, and he’ll even join back up with the Directorate himself, so long as he still gets to lead the consuls. But he needs information. The Chosen One’s son may be dead, but certain aspects of his cause are not. True, the number of consuls had been radically reduced, but it should be enough.” So… he’s promising to reconcile with the Directorate, but he’s still following their dead enemy’s plans? Somehow, I have a feeling this guy isn’t on the level…
Gender Wars: 5
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 5 (for Krassus’s offer not holding up at all)
Ash: Faegan asks just what the number of consuls is enough for, and so Krassus explains that before he died, Nicholas set in motion a number of plans that didn’t rely on the Gates of Dawn, plans designed to pave the way for the Heretics to ensure that the Vagaries will rule as the sole arm of the craft. With Nicholas gone, this sacred duty falls to me. Well, at least he’s not trying to pretend he’s not still in league with their enemies… why he thinks they’d take his deal under those circumstances, I still don’t understand. I thought the forces of darkness were supposed to be clever. Krassus explains he doesn’t intend to summon the Heretics back to the living world, since he’s terminally ill and doesn’t have the time for it, much less the training or blood quality required. *hisses* However, his blood *hisses again* does contain sufficient Forestallments to carry out his current plan. All I need is the proper information. If you resist me, before you perish you shall learn there remain other methods of making sure the Vagaries solely rule the craft.” Krassus then repeats that they can either aid him willingly or die. So… he’s given up any pretense of this being an actual negotiation, then, and is just threatening them all? How… underwhelming.
MG: And do note that Krassus attributes his powers to having Forestallments in his blood. Because, though it started last book, this one is where we really get deep into the “Forestallments can do anything, and every power anyone has that’s even slightly out of the ordinary is because of them” territory. Just… be prepared for that, and expect to get heartily sick of the word, because I know I did.
Blood Matters: 15
Dastardly Deeds: 8
Tahiri: And sure enough, Wigg tells Krassus that he and Faegan will die before helping him, if that’s what he’s trying to do. You’re not very good at the whole “manipulate people into helping you,” are you, Krassus? Krassus says he needs two questions answered, and while Faegan might know one of them, only Wigg knows the second, because he is the greatest keeper of secrets. Yeah, secrets like “the country is about to be invaded” that he could have used to save lives. Apparently, Krassus now travels with a partial adept and blaze gazer who has told him that Wigg knows what he needs to learn, and she’s never wrong. And he couldn’t have her uncover this information herself and spare him the visit because… oh, right. Sexism. Wigg is suddenly furious and promises to kill Krassus if he’s hurt the “blaze gazer,” but Krassus corrects him that this is another one he’s got with him, not the person Wigg is thinking of. But apparently the blaze gazer Wigg knows is the one whose house Krassus ransacked last time; huh, small world. And by the gods, this conversation would be easier to follow if you people could just use some names!
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 6
Retcons and Revelations: 5
Ash: And so, Krassus asks his question. Where is Wulfgar? Actually, Krassus, I’m pretty sure your people already have him, assuming those slavers work for you – did you even bother to check before coming here? Wigg goes white with shock, and we’re suddenly in his head as he thinks he may have to break another promise to Tristan and Shailiha’s parents. He insists he doesn’t know what Krassus is talking about, so Krassus punches him in the face. Tristan had never seen such superhuman speed. The lead wizard reeled drunkenly for a moment, a trail of blood snaking its way down his chin, curlicuing into his blood signature as it went. *stunned* That description of Wigg’s blood… that is horrifying. He really does have a parasite, doesn’t he? But Wigg only smirks and tells Krassus that even Failee hit him harder than that. *crossly* Oh, and I presume Failee’s punches were weak because she was a woman? Well, I’ll happily hit you, Wigg – you’ve got enough blood on your hands to deserve it! I’ll do it a couple of times, so you can get a good sampling! But Krassus apologizes, reminding Wigg that he’s sick (…that didn’t stop you from jumping around the room earlier…) and so he punches him again. Tristan calls Krassus a bastard and yells at him to stop, but nobody – including Faegan – can do anything about it. So Krassus asks his second question.
“And the two Scrolls of the Ancients,” Krassus went on blithely. “I suppose you know nothing of them, either? Actually I need only find one. The other, the Scroll of the Vagaries, is already in my possession.” A nasty grin spead slowly across his face.
Dastardly Deeds: 9
Gender Wars: 6
Tahiri: Okay, guys, I know it’s wild, but I’m starting to think Krassus might be a bad guy. And not a very smart one, since he’s just given away exactly what he’s looking for and what he already has.
“I have no idea what you’re babbling about,” Wigg answered thickly. “Perhaps all of your time with Nicholas has . . . addled your brain . . . So you now apparently detest the Vigors.” Exhausted from his beating, he ran out of breath, and his chin slumped forward to his chest.
Tahiri: Okay, is it just me, or was that last bit a non-sequitur? So, Krassus turns to Faegan, asking if he knows the answers to his questions – uh, don’t you already know he doesn’t know at least one of them? Oh, and he calls Faegan a “cripple” too, just so we’re sure we’re not supposed to like him. Faegan spits at him and tells him that’s all he’ll get, and that he should go find what he’s looking for himself, if he’s smart enough. Krassus is amused and starts coughing and guesses he will have to find it for himself after all. Which apparently involves this:
He closed his eyes, and a soft glow began to surround the wizards’ chairs, slowly increasing in intensity. Suddenly Wigg’s and Faegan’s heads simultaneously snapped back. Their eyes were wide open, but seemed to observe nothing. Watching, Tristan realized that Krassus had succeeded in entering at least a portion of their minds—testing them just as they had once tested Geldon, before allowing Tristan to go to Parthalon to rescue Shailiha from the Coven. They desperately fought the intrusion by the consul. Sweat broke out on each of the three struggling faces as Wigg and Faegan fought to keep from having their minds violated, and Krassus tried desperately to enter. After several long, agonizing moments, the glow faded away, and the consul opened his eyes. Wigg and Faegan were breathing heavily in total exhaustion.
Ash: And when he’s done, it turns out that Wigg and Faegan weren’t lying, and neither of them knows the information he’s after. He’s impressed that Faegan was actually able to keep him out a bit – gah, enough with praising Faegan! – but he got enough to satisfy himself that Faegan has heard of the Scrolls but doesn’t know any details, and that he doesn’t know anything about Wulfgar either. He’s also somehow learned that Tristan and Shailiha don’t know about Wulfgar either, which amuses him. Wigg, meanwhile, recovers himself enough to ask a question of his own – why did Krassus turn to the Vagaries? And why didn’t the death enchantments placed on all the consuls kill him when he tried to practice them? Which apparently is a prospect Wigg is no longer sad about (well, not to defend Wigg, but Krassus did just beat him up and mind-rape him…). And, ah, didn’t the wizards start their training as children? That together with the death enchantments has some… horrifying implications. Krassus, though, only starts monologuing in response.
“Tell me, Lead Wizard. Each time a creature of the Vagaries or one of the Coven died, do you really know why there were such strange atmospheric disturbances? The wind howling until you thought your ears might burst, and lightning across the sky so bright that night seems as day? You always taught us that it was simply to mark their passing into the Afterlife. Not true! And do you know why I seek Wulfgar, the lost one? Again, the answer is no. It seems that even the lead wizard of the not-dearly-departed departed Directorate still has a great deal to learn about the true workings of your nation, and your craft. “Because you refused to help me, we are now enemies,” he continued brazenly. “I know I do not possess the strength to destroy both of you here today at the same time. Therefore I am forced to wait. But your individual times will come, I promise you. And one last thing: Should any of you doubt the seriousness of my words, I suggest you take a little journey to Farpoint, three days from now. What you shall witness there is of Nicholas’ planning and my execution, and should be of great interest to you.” Krassus paused for a moment, obviously relishing his temporary dominion over them all. “Still so much for you to learn, Wigg. And so little time for either of us to accomplish our ends. You, because part of the plans Nicholas imagined still remains in motion. And I, because I will soon perish. My duties done, I will then gladly go to the Heretics—the reward promised to me by the son of the Chosen One.”
Ash: And, all of that said, he bids the wizards farewell, then vanishes. A moment later, the balcony doors swing open and closed again, seeming to mark his passage (so, he was… only invisible? Not teleporting or walking through walls? That’s kind of boring, don’t you think?). With his passing, the warps vanish, Wigg collapses to the floor, and the chapter ends. And, ah, I have some questions. Like… why did Krassus think that giving his final monologue was a good idea, when it can surely accomplish nothing but give away key elements of his plans? And phrase his response to Wigg and Faegan’s ignorance in ways that give away yet more of his plans? Why did his “blaze gazer”, who is apparently always right, direct him here when there was no useful knowledge to gain? Why did he even bother asking questions at all when he can just read minds? And why oh why, when he had his enemies helpless, did he not just slit all their throats and have done with it?
MG: All of those are excellent questions, Ash. As for the last, it probably would have been easier to have him try to do that, only for the Minions or someone to burst in at the last minute and force him to retreat because he can’t fight so many at once… but clearly, we all just can’t grasp the genius that is Robert Newcomb (why Krassus didn’t try to kill them will get a handwave next time, but ymmv if it actually fixes the problem)! Anyway, the next chapter is very short, so we’ll be doing it today, too!
Contrivances and Coincidences: 2
Dastardly Deeds: 11
Exposition Intrusion: 10
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 12
Retcons and Revelations: 5 (you may have missed it among the rest of Krassus’s rant, but Newcomb is about to completely change his explanation for why storms and lightning happen when Vagaries practitioners die)
Chapter Four
Tahiri: And so, we open with the herbmistress from two chapters ago, still nameless (seriously, Newcomb…), sobbing on the floor of her home after Krassus and Grizelda left. She thinks about the damage to her home, and how the hardest thing to repair will be her collection of herbs, gathered over three centuries (great, another immortal…) since the intruders knew all the really valuable stuff to take. Finally, we learn that her name is Abbey of the House of Lindstrom and she is indeed a beneficiary of time enchantments as she dusts herself off, prepares some calming tea, and tries to figure out what just happened (uh… you were robbed) and why (better question).
Why would anyone do such a thing? she wondered. We who possessed these esoteric arts were so few, even before the Sorceresses’ War. And now, three centuries later, our numbers have surely dwindled even farther due to the ban by the Directorate. I should have recognized the woman, but I didn’t.
Tahiri: I mean… even one country on one planet is still a big place. And is it really so impossible Grizelda could’ve learned your, uh, art without your knowledge? I mean, it’s not like I know every Force user, even after the Emperor wiped out a bunch of us before I was born and the Yuuzhan Vong killed a lot more during my lifetime. Is there some sort of guild of partial adepts everyone has to register with? She then spots a shard of a mirror on the ground and picks it up, studying her reflection:
Although her dark hair was streaked with gray, she remained a very handsome woman. Gray eyes looked back at her with intelligence, and the dark eyebrows arched highly, almost seductively over them. Her jaw was strong yet feminine; her cheeks were still blessed with the rosy bloom of her long-faded youth. Sighing, she carefully put down the mirror.
Ash: …Newcomb, why are you implying that being strong and being feminine wouldn’t normally go together? *she sighs* Oh, I know why… But at least there’s one woman in these books he’s refrained from sexualizing… aside from her eyebrows, anyway… Apparently, we learn that there was only one man who she ever loved, and ironically, he was also someone who tried to convince her to give up her art. I think we all know who that might be… (and also, that really doesn’t sound like a workable foundation for a relationship, but… with Newcomb, I really don’t think I should be surprised). She considered going to him many times over the centuries to try and reconcile, but she always thought it would cause more problems, so she never did. And so, drinking her tea, she remembers the past:
That had been more than three centuries ago. But after the exile of the Coven to the Sea of Whispers, the newly formed Directorate of Wizards had banned all partial adepts—both male and female—from practicing their arts. Hurt and confused, they had been ordered to scatter, no two being allowed to go in the same direction. And so she had finally chosen this place to be alone, and to carry on in secret. But not before one of the wizards—the one who still had a place in her heart—had secretly granted her the time enchantments, tearfully wishing her well.
Ash: And the wizards did all of this why? By the Dark Maiden, the more I learn about these people the less I like them… And I’m still not sure what a “partial adept” even is… Suddenly, Abbey is struck by the thought of her “gazing flame” and what might have happened to it. She runs out into the forest, where she finds a large flat rock and is relieved it’s still intact. She shoves it aside, and a tongue of golden flame rises from it; approximately one meter wide, and three meters tall. How… specific. We learn that of all of Abbey’s skills, first and foremost, she is a blaze-gazer. She removes a small bottle from her dress, apparently containing rare herbs – she doesn’t have any more, but after Krassus attacked, she can’t think of a better time to use them than now. She draws a tongue of fire out from the main flame and tosses the herbs into it and clutches a pendant that contains a lock of brown hair. A moment later, an azure – that really is Newcomb’s favorite color, isn’t it? – window appears in the flame. Abbey stares into it, and the chapter ends as we learn that she was not at all pleased with what she saw. Well, after reading this… I can honestly say I know the feeling.
MG: And on that note, we are all officially done for today! Chapter three was where the meat of today’s story was, and it… was not good. First off, we’re reintroduced to our “heroes” who make a very bad impression as it seems they’re still holed up in the palace, still ignoring the troubles facing Eutracia, in favor of having an absurd argument about a card game. *sigh* Really, guys? Is this how you’re spending your time? Of course, Krassus is no better as he shows up out of nowhere, has everyone at his mercy… and not only does he not kill any of his enemies and gains no useful information he didn’t already have, but he also ends up giving away a ton of stuff about himself and his own plans for no actual gain! Information that our “heroes” can and will use against him! Glad to see he’s carrying on the grand tradition of Newcomb villains being utterly incompetent, at least? Chapter four mostly just serves to properly introduce Abbey, and doesn’t really add that much, though we’ll be seeing more of her down the line. And yes, she and Wigg were an item. Thanks for that, Newcomb. Anyway, next time we’ll be learning more about Wulfgar’s origins, and also who Krassus is and how Wigg knows him (and why he almost certainly should have been introduced long before this). We’ll see you then! Our counts stand at:
Blood Matters: 15
Contrivances and Coincidences: 2
Dastardly Deeds: 11
Exposition Intrusion: 11
Gender Wars: 6
Gratuitous Grimdark: 4
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 12
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 2 (adding a point for the wizards’ treatment of the partial adepts)
Retcons and Revelations: 6 (partial adepts should have also been introduced before now)
Warning: These chapters contain some violence and mind rape.
MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Robert Newcomb’s The Scrolls of the Ancients! Last time, we met some people (including Wulfgar) who had been taken captive by a bunch of monster slavers led, inexplicably, by an evil clown, while the book’s actual main antagonist ransacked an herbalist’s shop. Today, we check back in with our actual protagonists (ugh…) as Krassus makes his move. Joining us today will be Ash and Tahiri!
Chapter Three
Tahiri: Well, we open the chapter with Faegan the wizard yelling out Dreng! Which sounds like it should be a curse, but is apparently actually part of a game, since he happily jots down a new score and sits back in his chair smugly pleased with himself, petting his blue cat (I’m sure there’s some planet out there that has those…) and waiting for Wigg’s “inevitable” outburst. *beat* What are they, four?
“Once again I say you’re cheating! You must be!” Wigg shouted back. His jaw stuck out like the prow of a ship. “You’re using the craft! I don’t know how you’re managing it, but I’ll find out! No one gets a full dreng on only two hands! Not even you!” Wigg, onetime lead wizard of the Directorate, was becoming more furious by the minute. His craggy face was red, and he glared at Faegan with the mighty, all-consuming surety of his convictions.
Tahiri: Wow. You’d think trying to use magic to cheat at a game you’re playing against another wizard wouldn’t be smart, but apparently it works! And I can’t help but notice that we went from a bunch of people being taken as slaves, brutalized, and some of them killed – to the two old sleemos who are supposed to be protecting them… not doing that, because they’re too busy having a childish argument about a game. *sigh* This is going to be a long book, I just know it…
Ash: And Faegan only grins as he picks up the cards and starts shuffling again, which only makes me all the surer he is cheating, knows it, and doesn’t care if anyone else knows it too. We then cut to Tristan, who’s watching all this, and apparently the wizards have been at this for an hour, for the Dark Maiden’s sake! Now I’m just imagining Faegan scamming Wigg out of all his money in increasingly blatant ways, while Wigg just sits there turning red and yelling at him but not doing anything about it as he gets robbed blind. We also learn that normally Tristan finds the wizards’ bickering entertaining, but now it’s starting to annoy him. Funny, it’s starting to annoy me, and I’ve only just met them! Then again, I did read the previous sporkings of this series, and it’s not left me thinking very highly of either of them.
Tahiri: Oh, but it gets better, because it turns out Wigg and Faegan aren’t the only ones playing! As follows:
Six of them were playing the card game dreng, and the score was tied. Wigg captained the team consisting of himself, his daughter Celeste, and Tristan. The team sitting across from them was made up of Faegan, Geldon the hunchbacked dwarf, and Princess Shailiha, Tristan’s twin sister. Morganna, Shailiha’s baby, sat on the carpet, batting at some scattered toys. At first Wigg had not wanted to play, arguing, as usual, that there were far more important matters to attend to. In truth he had probably been right. But after some stiff cajoling by Shailiha and what Tristan thought to be comic but shameless outright begging by Celeste, the lead wizard had finally given in.
Tahiri: Huh. For once, I actually agree with Wigg on something. The country is falling apart around you – do you really have time for this? And then there’s this:
These two strong-willed women had become Wigg’s and Faegan’s soft spots, and everyone in the palace knew it. There was in fact very little in this world that the two women could not get either of the wizards to do, especially if they both asked at once—a strategy the women had been quick to learn, and to capitalize upon.
Tahiri: Which just makes it sound like the only power these “strong-willed women” have is their ability to wrap men around their fingers and get them to do things for them. Great.
Gender Wars: 2
Ash: *flatly* Indeed. Why do I have a feeling that if Wigg or Faegan ever met my goddess, who is powerful in her own right and does not depend on being able to make her father do things for her even though he (or she, or they – gender is not easily defined, where Corellon Larethian is concerned!) is the greatest of the elven gods, they’d keel over in sheer shock? Of course, if they met Lolth instead, they probably wouldn’t live long enough to keel over… Tristan shares a look with his sister, and then looks over at Wigg, to find that The lead wizard’s face was red, and a vein had begun throbbing in his right temple. …why is this starting to sound less like a description of an actual person and more like a picture drawn by a caricature artist?
Tahiri: Because all of these people are caricatures, since that’s all the author can actually write? The twins wonder briefly about whether letting the wizards provoke each other like this is a good idea (if they were actually as wise and mature as they’re supposed to be, it wouldn’t be an issue!) and then Tristan looks over at his weapons, including his knives and “dreggan” (that’s that stupid extendable sword, right? You know, Corran’s lightsaber does that – but it’s a lightsaber, you don’t have to add a device that weakens the blade to make it do that, you just add another setting in the hilt!) and thinks about how after the events of recent months, he always keeps his weapons near him. *subdued* Well… I can’t blame him for that. I practically slept with my lightsaber for months after the shapers had me… Moving on to happier topics, interior decorating!
The room in which they were playing was sumptuous—one of those that had been recently refurbished by the Minions of Day and Night, the winged army Tristan commanded. The marble of the floor and walls was of the palest gray, shot through with streaks of indigo. A huge oil chandelier hung in the center of the ceiling, giving off a soft, comforting glow.
Ash: *stunned* I… honestly didn’t know the Minions had it in them! I bet Ox picked out the chandelier – though I do wonder where they got this stuff. Did some unfortunate family have their decorations “requisitioned for the royal family,” I wonder? It’s also nearly dinner, and although they’re far away from the palace kitchens Tristan fancies he can smell what the gnome wives are cooking. Because of course, the women cook and the men have nothing to do with it! Eilistraee forbid one of the gnome men be the cook! Or even one of the wizards!
Gender Wars: 3
Tahiri: And then we get some recapping. Yay.
Gazing over at the open balcony window, he saw the sun setting down into the western horizon. It had been four months since he had witnessed the death of his son Nicholas and the destruction of the Gates of Dawn. Nicholas had planned to use the gates to rend open the heavens, allowing the return of the Heretics of the Guild, masters of the Vagaries who would then use the dark side of the craft to rule forever. An anomaly in Nicholas’ blood had killed him just before he had been able to accomplish this feat. At that point, the Gates had collapsed and the Heretics had once again been confined to the heavens.
Tahiri: So, I guess anyone who didn’t read the previous books has been brought up to speed now (and learned about how Tristan didn’t have to do anything to defeat Nicholas, who just sort of self-destructed on his own). Of course, if anyone’s reading this without having read the previous books – all I can say is, run while you can, ‘cause I doubt this is going to get any better! We then learn how the winter – or Season of Crystal, for some reason – was harsh (and did you do anything to help your people during this harsh winter, O Prince? Didn’t think so!) but now it’s the Season of New Life, which is Tristan’s favorite. Flower buds and green grass were springing up, and the air was full of the many wonderful scents that only nature’s rebirth could provide. The last few days had been wonderfully warm. So warm, in fact, that today they had been able to leave the balcony doors open for the first time. Okay, speaking as someone who grew up in a desert – that does sound nice. But, why are you leaving the windows open when there’s still a price on your head? That doesn’t seem very smart to me…
Blood Matters: 11
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 4
Ash: As for me, I have a hard time caring about what a wonderful time you all are having hidden in the palace when your people are living in squalor… hits a little too close to home. Suddenly, Tristan is distracted by a shout, and we get a description of Faegan:
Faegan, the impish, three-hundred-year-old rogue wizard, protector of the area of Eutracia known as Shadowood, was the keeper of many secrets. He possessed the very rare power of Consummate Recollection, which allowed him to recall instantly anything he had ever seen, read, or heard. He was also the only living person to have completely read the first two volumes of the Tome, the great book of the craft. His gray-black hair, carelessly parted down the center, fell almost to his shoulders. Over his loose-fitting black robe he wore the Paragon, the bloodred jewel that helped sustain the craft of magic. Amazing gray-green eyes set in an intense, commanding face only hinted at the awesome power lying behind them.
Ash: Isn’t he the same one who left his daughter to be brainwashed by the sorceresses because he couldn’t be bothered to rescue her? I don’t think he’s earned a description that flattering… I’ll refrain from saying what I think of him! We then get a brief description of Geldon, and then we get to Celeste. We get a rundown of how she’s Wigg and Failee’s daughter, was Ragnar’s slave for three hundred years and – of course – how her blood is nearly as powerful as Tristan’s and Shailiha’s.
Dark red hair parted on one side fell down to Celeste’s shoulders. Her sapphire eyes showed both intelligence and compassion. The hint of a cleft in her chin gave her the appearance of personal strength, even though her talents and confidence in her new world above ground were still developing. Whenever Tristan was near her he could smell a hint of myrrh, and it had been her scented, embroidered handkerchief that he had carried into battle to defeat his son Nicholas.
Ash: The description of Celeste doesn’t actually matter to anything; I’m just sharing it so we all know what (or who) is on Tristan’s mind… Meanwhile, we cut back to Wigg and Faegan still arguing, with Wigg insisting Faegan is cheating, and Faegan insisting Wigg is such a bad player he doesn’t need to cheat. Uh, ouch. Faegan then levitates his cards around, annoying Wigg, who thinks he’s got the cards to win this hand. And, uh, maybe if I knew anything about this game, I could tell if he’s right or not? Though apparently, it’s notoriously difficult anyway. And then Shailiha plops down a card, winning this round for her and Faegan’s team, and I just… don’t care about any of this! I don’t know this game, I don’t like these people, and what are we even doing here?
Blood Matters: 12
Exposition Intrusion: 6 (for all the recapping)
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 1 (going to go ahead and start this count with a point for the, uh, effusive description of Faegan)
Tahiri: *glances over at Ash* I mean, I read the previous sporkings before we started this, and “what are we even doing here” is a great question. Well, Wigg angrily looks around for Caprice the butterfly and finds her on the other side of the room where she couldn’t have been spying on his cards, which makes him mad because he still doesn’t know how the other side is cheating, if they are. *thoughtful* You know, I’ve never played much sabacc myself, but if this is how gullible these people are, I bet we could get Captain Solo and Baron-Administrator Calrissian in here to fleece them both of everything they have, even if they’d have to learn a new game first. Serve Wigg and Faegan right, too. But apparently even Tristan’s losing interest in the game – him and all of us – as he just wishes Shawna the Short (why!?) will show up soon to announce dinner is served. Meanwhile, Wigg is still yelling at Faegan for being a cheater… and we spend most of a paragraph explaining how he’s growing his “wizard’s tail” of hair back from where it got cut off in the first book. Uh… I’m happy for him?
Ash: I’m not. I’ve not even known him for a chapter, and I’m already sick of him. Just take the loss, Wigg! Celeste finally asks her father how he thinks Faegan is cheating, and Wigg says he thinks Faegan is using magic to deal invisibly from the bottom of the deck, however that works. Faegan deals the cards again, then says if he was cheating, he’d use a different method. Which he demonstrates by casting a spell that causes all of the characters depicted on the cards to suddenly become naked. *beat* How does that help Faegan? *crosses her arms* You’re just showing off, aren’t you? Everyone bursts out laughing except Wigg (and us); Wigg declares this to be the last straw, but before he can do anything, he and Faegan both stop and share a look. They had sensed the presence of endowed blood—unfamiliar endowed blood. *rubs her forehead* Why does even the spell to sense other mages rely on blood? I think there are nobles in the Underdark less obsessed with breeding than this!
Blood Matters: 13
Tahiri: Well, Tristan draws his dreggan, and then sees that A glow was forming. In one of the far corners of the room, where the ceiling formed a joint with two connecting walls, the familiar azure glow of the craft was coalescing. When it took up the entire corner, its outline started to sharpen. Spooky. A moment later, the image solidifies.
A man hung there like a spider, face to the card players, the fingertips and balls of his feet touching the ceiling and walls behind him. Suddenly he spread his arms wide and launched himself from the wall, landing upright in the exact center of the table. Playing cards went flying high into the air. Shailiha and Celeste recoiled back into their chairs.
Tahiri: Huh. That’s… something. And of course it’s the women who recoil, don’t you know – the men are just too manly for that sort of thing, right? Tristan throws his dreggan – you know that’s just a creative way to disarm yourself, right? Sure, Jedi can throw our lightsabers sometimes, but we can also, you know, call them back to hand – but the man jumps, and it misses. Before Faegan and Wigg can cast anything, he calls up another blue glow that freezes everyone in place. And Tristan could not fathom how the man had so silently, invisibly breached the security of the palace, evading the hundreds of Minion warriors who were camped outside. *rolling her eyes* You just saw the man walk through the wall – or possibly teleport in, not sure about that. Is that not enough for you?
Gender Wars: 4 (for the men – ineffectively – taking action, while the women just “recoil’)
The intruder was tall and gaunt, with a face to match. Straight, stringy locks of pure white hair fell down from the crown of the man’s skull. It was somewhat longer than shoulder length, except for the ragged bangs that covered most of his forehead. But despite the white hair, his age did not seem advanced. Studying the face, Tristan guessed the man to be no more than forty-five Seasons of New Life. His skin was pale, almost gray. Dark brows arched over piercing eyes; the cheekbones were high and elegant. The nose was large, and aquiline. Thin lips formed the straight slash that was his mouth. The cheeks were deeply creased and hollow; the jaw was strong. Taken as a whole the face conveyed tightly controlled intelligence and power. The man was dressed in a full-length robe of two colors, divided down the center. The left-hand side was gray, the color once worn by the Directorate of Wizards and still worn by Wigg. The right-hand side was the dark blue worn by the Brotherhood of Consuls. Unexpectedly, the man began to cough. His hacking began softly, but quickly built in intensity. He finally produced a rag from his robes and covered his mouth briefly. It came away bloody. The sudden sign of illness in the same man who had just executed such clever acrobatics and the lightning-swift construction of a powerful wizard’s warp seemed contradictory indeed.
Ash: …huh. That’s a lot. Even more than Celeste got. The intruder apologizes for his interruption, greeting Wigg by name, and admits that with the Minions standing guard outside this seemed like the only sensible way in, and he has no wish to die sooner than necessary. I… understand the sentiment, but I’m not really sure it explains the acrobatics? That takes some skill to pull off – take it from a professional! Wigg recognizes the man as Krassus - and so he is the evil wizard we’ve met before, surprising no one – and notes that he still wears the robes of First Alternate (apparently the “warp” lets the people it’s imprisoning still speak, if you were wondering about that). Wigg asks if they have Krassus to thank for their many problems, and, beg pardon, but what in the Abyss are you talking about? Nicholas was behind your “problems,” and he’s dead. And it sounds like since then, you’ve been hiding in your basement playing cards! What else has been going on that you think Krassus might be behind? Faegan’s cheating?
Retcons and Revelations: 4 (Krassus, we’ll see, really is a character we should have met long before we did!)
Tahiri: Well, Tristan can tell Wigg knows Krassus but Faegan doesn’t seem to, while Krassus himself says he’s here to offer a truce, if he gets what he wants – information. Faegan finally breaks in, demanding to know who Krassus is and what he wants. Krassus stares at Faegan for a bit, and then introduces himself.
“Faegan,” he said softly, almost reverently, as if he could not believe his eyes. “It must be! The recently departed Nicholas told me you had returned to Tammerland. Until then, I had thought you had passed from flesh and blood into myth. Your power and knowledge are legendary. But forgive me, for you and I have never been properly introduced. I am the consul Krassus. I was at one time both first alternate to the dearly departed Directorate of Wizards and the servant of Nicholas, son of the Chosen One. It is indeed an honor to finally meet you.”
Tahiri: Uh, the pleasure’s… all mine, I guess? At least until you do something really, really horrible, which as a bad guy in these books I’m sure you will sooner or later. Krassus then turns to Tristan, noting who he is and that he’s clearly as impulsive as Krassus had heard. Uh, he drew a sword and tried to attack a clearly dangerous intruder. Not sure how “impulsive” that makes him, really. He then greets Shailiha, who he just calls a “princess” and not a Chosen One even though I’m pretty sure she’s that, too, and then comments that he doesn’t know Celeste, but surely would have remembered a woman that beautiful if they’d met. Great, sounds like he’s a sleemo too, then. Wigg finally asks what exactly Krassus is here for and guesses that he’s now the leader of the supposedly rebellious brotherhood. *splutters* You sure that’s the word you’re looking for, there, Wigg? You know the consuls joined Nicholas! They’re not “supposedly” rebellious, they really are literally traitors! You know that! Krassus agrees that he is but says he’s here to offer terms. He’ll allow everyone in the room now to live, he’ll withdraw the bounty on Tristan, and he’ll even join back up with the Directorate himself, so long as he still gets to lead the consuls. But he needs information. The Chosen One’s son may be dead, but certain aspects of his cause are not. True, the number of consuls had been radically reduced, but it should be enough.” So… he’s promising to reconcile with the Directorate, but he’s still following their dead enemy’s plans? Somehow, I have a feeling this guy isn’t on the level…
Gender Wars: 5
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 5 (for Krassus’s offer not holding up at all)
Ash: Faegan asks just what the number of consuls is enough for, and so Krassus explains that before he died, Nicholas set in motion a number of plans that didn’t rely on the Gates of Dawn, plans designed to pave the way for the Heretics to ensure that the Vagaries will rule as the sole arm of the craft. With Nicholas gone, this sacred duty falls to me. Well, at least he’s not trying to pretend he’s not still in league with their enemies… why he thinks they’d take his deal under those circumstances, I still don’t understand. I thought the forces of darkness were supposed to be clever. Krassus explains he doesn’t intend to summon the Heretics back to the living world, since he’s terminally ill and doesn’t have the time for it, much less the training or blood quality required. *hisses* However, his blood *hisses again* does contain sufficient Forestallments to carry out his current plan. All I need is the proper information. If you resist me, before you perish you shall learn there remain other methods of making sure the Vagaries solely rule the craft.” Krassus then repeats that they can either aid him willingly or die. So… he’s given up any pretense of this being an actual negotiation, then, and is just threatening them all? How… underwhelming.
MG: And do note that Krassus attributes his powers to having Forestallments in his blood. Because, though it started last book, this one is where we really get deep into the “Forestallments can do anything, and every power anyone has that’s even slightly out of the ordinary is because of them” territory. Just… be prepared for that, and expect to get heartily sick of the word, because I know I did.
Blood Matters: 15
Dastardly Deeds: 8
Tahiri: And sure enough, Wigg tells Krassus that he and Faegan will die before helping him, if that’s what he’s trying to do. You’re not very good at the whole “manipulate people into helping you,” are you, Krassus? Krassus says he needs two questions answered, and while Faegan might know one of them, only Wigg knows the second, because he is the greatest keeper of secrets. Yeah, secrets like “the country is about to be invaded” that he could have used to save lives. Apparently, Krassus now travels with a partial adept and blaze gazer who has told him that Wigg knows what he needs to learn, and she’s never wrong. And he couldn’t have her uncover this information herself and spare him the visit because… oh, right. Sexism. Wigg is suddenly furious and promises to kill Krassus if he’s hurt the “blaze gazer,” but Krassus corrects him that this is another one he’s got with him, not the person Wigg is thinking of. But apparently the blaze gazer Wigg knows is the one whose house Krassus ransacked last time; huh, small world. And by the gods, this conversation would be easier to follow if you people could just use some names!
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 6
Retcons and Revelations: 5
Ash: And so, Krassus asks his question. Where is Wulfgar? Actually, Krassus, I’m pretty sure your people already have him, assuming those slavers work for you – did you even bother to check before coming here? Wigg goes white with shock, and we’re suddenly in his head as he thinks he may have to break another promise to Tristan and Shailiha’s parents. He insists he doesn’t know what Krassus is talking about, so Krassus punches him in the face. Tristan had never seen such superhuman speed. The lead wizard reeled drunkenly for a moment, a trail of blood snaking its way down his chin, curlicuing into his blood signature as it went. *stunned* That description of Wigg’s blood… that is horrifying. He really does have a parasite, doesn’t he? But Wigg only smirks and tells Krassus that even Failee hit him harder than that. *crossly* Oh, and I presume Failee’s punches were weak because she was a woman? Well, I’ll happily hit you, Wigg – you’ve got enough blood on your hands to deserve it! I’ll do it a couple of times, so you can get a good sampling! But Krassus apologizes, reminding Wigg that he’s sick (…that didn’t stop you from jumping around the room earlier…) and so he punches him again. Tristan calls Krassus a bastard and yells at him to stop, but nobody – including Faegan – can do anything about it. So Krassus asks his second question.
“And the two Scrolls of the Ancients,” Krassus went on blithely. “I suppose you know nothing of them, either? Actually I need only find one. The other, the Scroll of the Vagaries, is already in my possession.” A nasty grin spead slowly across his face.
Dastardly Deeds: 9
Gender Wars: 6
Tahiri: Okay, guys, I know it’s wild, but I’m starting to think Krassus might be a bad guy. And not a very smart one, since he’s just given away exactly what he’s looking for and what he already has.
“I have no idea what you’re babbling about,” Wigg answered thickly. “Perhaps all of your time with Nicholas has . . . addled your brain . . . So you now apparently detest the Vigors.” Exhausted from his beating, he ran out of breath, and his chin slumped forward to his chest.
Tahiri: Okay, is it just me, or was that last bit a non-sequitur? So, Krassus turns to Faegan, asking if he knows the answers to his questions – uh, don’t you already know he doesn’t know at least one of them? Oh, and he calls Faegan a “cripple” too, just so we’re sure we’re not supposed to like him. Faegan spits at him and tells him that’s all he’ll get, and that he should go find what he’s looking for himself, if he’s smart enough. Krassus is amused and starts coughing and guesses he will have to find it for himself after all. Which apparently involves this:
He closed his eyes, and a soft glow began to surround the wizards’ chairs, slowly increasing in intensity. Suddenly Wigg’s and Faegan’s heads simultaneously snapped back. Their eyes were wide open, but seemed to observe nothing. Watching, Tristan realized that Krassus had succeeded in entering at least a portion of their minds—testing them just as they had once tested Geldon, before allowing Tristan to go to Parthalon to rescue Shailiha from the Coven. They desperately fought the intrusion by the consul. Sweat broke out on each of the three struggling faces as Wigg and Faegan fought to keep from having their minds violated, and Krassus tried desperately to enter. After several long, agonizing moments, the glow faded away, and the consul opened his eyes. Wigg and Faegan were breathing heavily in total exhaustion.
Ash: And when he’s done, it turns out that Wigg and Faegan weren’t lying, and neither of them knows the information he’s after. He’s impressed that Faegan was actually able to keep him out a bit – gah, enough with praising Faegan! – but he got enough to satisfy himself that Faegan has heard of the Scrolls but doesn’t know any details, and that he doesn’t know anything about Wulfgar either. He’s also somehow learned that Tristan and Shailiha don’t know about Wulfgar either, which amuses him. Wigg, meanwhile, recovers himself enough to ask a question of his own – why did Krassus turn to the Vagaries? And why didn’t the death enchantments placed on all the consuls kill him when he tried to practice them? Which apparently is a prospect Wigg is no longer sad about (well, not to defend Wigg, but Krassus did just beat him up and mind-rape him…). And, ah, didn’t the wizards start their training as children? That together with the death enchantments has some… horrifying implications. Krassus, though, only starts monologuing in response.
“Tell me, Lead Wizard. Each time a creature of the Vagaries or one of the Coven died, do you really know why there were such strange atmospheric disturbances? The wind howling until you thought your ears might burst, and lightning across the sky so bright that night seems as day? You always taught us that it was simply to mark their passing into the Afterlife. Not true! And do you know why I seek Wulfgar, the lost one? Again, the answer is no. It seems that even the lead wizard of the not-dearly-departed departed Directorate still has a great deal to learn about the true workings of your nation, and your craft. “Because you refused to help me, we are now enemies,” he continued brazenly. “I know I do not possess the strength to destroy both of you here today at the same time. Therefore I am forced to wait. But your individual times will come, I promise you. And one last thing: Should any of you doubt the seriousness of my words, I suggest you take a little journey to Farpoint, three days from now. What you shall witness there is of Nicholas’ planning and my execution, and should be of great interest to you.” Krassus paused for a moment, obviously relishing his temporary dominion over them all. “Still so much for you to learn, Wigg. And so little time for either of us to accomplish our ends. You, because part of the plans Nicholas imagined still remains in motion. And I, because I will soon perish. My duties done, I will then gladly go to the Heretics—the reward promised to me by the son of the Chosen One.”
Ash: And, all of that said, he bids the wizards farewell, then vanishes. A moment later, the balcony doors swing open and closed again, seeming to mark his passage (so, he was… only invisible? Not teleporting or walking through walls? That’s kind of boring, don’t you think?). With his passing, the warps vanish, Wigg collapses to the floor, and the chapter ends. And, ah, I have some questions. Like… why did Krassus think that giving his final monologue was a good idea, when it can surely accomplish nothing but give away key elements of his plans? And phrase his response to Wigg and Faegan’s ignorance in ways that give away yet more of his plans? Why did his “blaze gazer”, who is apparently always right, direct him here when there was no useful knowledge to gain? Why did he even bother asking questions at all when he can just read minds? And why oh why, when he had his enemies helpless, did he not just slit all their throats and have done with it?
MG: All of those are excellent questions, Ash. As for the last, it probably would have been easier to have him try to do that, only for the Minions or someone to burst in at the last minute and force him to retreat because he can’t fight so many at once… but clearly, we all just can’t grasp the genius that is Robert Newcomb (why Krassus didn’t try to kill them will get a handwave next time, but ymmv if it actually fixes the problem)! Anyway, the next chapter is very short, so we’ll be doing it today, too!
Contrivances and Coincidences: 2
Dastardly Deeds: 11
Exposition Intrusion: 10
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 12
Retcons and Revelations: 5 (you may have missed it among the rest of Krassus’s rant, but Newcomb is about to completely change his explanation for why storms and lightning happen when Vagaries practitioners die)
Chapter Four
Tahiri: And so, we open with the herbmistress from two chapters ago, still nameless (seriously, Newcomb…), sobbing on the floor of her home after Krassus and Grizelda left. She thinks about the damage to her home, and how the hardest thing to repair will be her collection of herbs, gathered over three centuries (great, another immortal…) since the intruders knew all the really valuable stuff to take. Finally, we learn that her name is Abbey of the House of Lindstrom and she is indeed a beneficiary of time enchantments as she dusts herself off, prepares some calming tea, and tries to figure out what just happened (uh… you were robbed) and why (better question).
Why would anyone do such a thing? she wondered. We who possessed these esoteric arts were so few, even before the Sorceresses’ War. And now, three centuries later, our numbers have surely dwindled even farther due to the ban by the Directorate. I should have recognized the woman, but I didn’t.
Tahiri: I mean… even one country on one planet is still a big place. And is it really so impossible Grizelda could’ve learned your, uh, art without your knowledge? I mean, it’s not like I know every Force user, even after the Emperor wiped out a bunch of us before I was born and the Yuuzhan Vong killed a lot more during my lifetime. Is there some sort of guild of partial adepts everyone has to register with? She then spots a shard of a mirror on the ground and picks it up, studying her reflection:
Although her dark hair was streaked with gray, she remained a very handsome woman. Gray eyes looked back at her with intelligence, and the dark eyebrows arched highly, almost seductively over them. Her jaw was strong yet feminine; her cheeks were still blessed with the rosy bloom of her long-faded youth. Sighing, she carefully put down the mirror.
Ash: …Newcomb, why are you implying that being strong and being feminine wouldn’t normally go together? *she sighs* Oh, I know why… But at least there’s one woman in these books he’s refrained from sexualizing… aside from her eyebrows, anyway… Apparently, we learn that there was only one man who she ever loved, and ironically, he was also someone who tried to convince her to give up her art. I think we all know who that might be… (and also, that really doesn’t sound like a workable foundation for a relationship, but… with Newcomb, I really don’t think I should be surprised). She considered going to him many times over the centuries to try and reconcile, but she always thought it would cause more problems, so she never did. And so, drinking her tea, she remembers the past:
That had been more than three centuries ago. But after the exile of the Coven to the Sea of Whispers, the newly formed Directorate of Wizards had banned all partial adepts—both male and female—from practicing their arts. Hurt and confused, they had been ordered to scatter, no two being allowed to go in the same direction. And so she had finally chosen this place to be alone, and to carry on in secret. But not before one of the wizards—the one who still had a place in her heart—had secretly granted her the time enchantments, tearfully wishing her well.
Ash: And the wizards did all of this why? By the Dark Maiden, the more I learn about these people the less I like them… And I’m still not sure what a “partial adept” even is… Suddenly, Abbey is struck by the thought of her “gazing flame” and what might have happened to it. She runs out into the forest, where she finds a large flat rock and is relieved it’s still intact. She shoves it aside, and a tongue of golden flame rises from it; approximately one meter wide, and three meters tall. How… specific. We learn that of all of Abbey’s skills, first and foremost, she is a blaze-gazer. She removes a small bottle from her dress, apparently containing rare herbs – she doesn’t have any more, but after Krassus attacked, she can’t think of a better time to use them than now. She draws a tongue of fire out from the main flame and tosses the herbs into it and clutches a pendant that contains a lock of brown hair. A moment later, an azure – that really is Newcomb’s favorite color, isn’t it? – window appears in the flame. Abbey stares into it, and the chapter ends as we learn that she was not at all pleased with what she saw. Well, after reading this… I can honestly say I know the feeling.
MG: And on that note, we are all officially done for today! Chapter three was where the meat of today’s story was, and it… was not good. First off, we’re reintroduced to our “heroes” who make a very bad impression as it seems they’re still holed up in the palace, still ignoring the troubles facing Eutracia, in favor of having an absurd argument about a card game. *sigh* Really, guys? Is this how you’re spending your time? Of course, Krassus is no better as he shows up out of nowhere, has everyone at his mercy… and not only does he not kill any of his enemies and gains no useful information he didn’t already have, but he also ends up giving away a ton of stuff about himself and his own plans for no actual gain! Information that our “heroes” can and will use against him! Glad to see he’s carrying on the grand tradition of Newcomb villains being utterly incompetent, at least? Chapter four mostly just serves to properly introduce Abbey, and doesn’t really add that much, though we’ll be seeing more of her down the line. And yes, she and Wigg were an item. Thanks for that, Newcomb. Anyway, next time we’ll be learning more about Wulfgar’s origins, and also who Krassus is and how Wigg knows him (and why he almost certainly should have been introduced long before this). We’ll see you then! Our counts stand at:
Blood Matters: 15
Contrivances and Coincidences: 2
Dastardly Deeds: 11
Exposition Intrusion: 11
Gender Wars: 6
Gratuitous Grimdark: 4
Plot-Induced Stupidity: 12
Protagonist-Centered Morality: 2 (adding a point for the wizards’ treatment of the partial adepts)
Retcons and Revelations: 6 (partial adepts should have also been introduced before now)
