Fellowship of the King Chapter Seven: Betrayal at the Havens

[masterghandalf]

This is a repost from Das_sporking2. Previous installments of this sporking may be found here.



MG: Well, everyone, it’s time to continue our journey through Demetrious Polychron’s Fellowship of the King! Last time, Eldarion introduced himself to Elanor and Friends and gave some backstory on himself and what he’s doing in Bree, which also included some backstory for the Orcelven Prince, now revealed as Celebrian’s vengeful bastard son and Arwen’s evil half-brother, Estel(!). Today, we get yet more backstory, including the surprise reveal of the identity of one of the fic’s other big bads, and another piece of definitive proof, if we still needed it, that Polychron doesn’t seem to have actually understood LotR and its themes at all. Joining us today will be Kasanari and Shade!

Chapter 7: Betrayal At The Havens

After listening to Elanor tell their story, Eldarion smiled. “Happy twenty-first birthday, and two-and-twentieth.”

Kasanari: *flatly* That’s just two different ways of saying the same thing. But I suppose this story must be padded out somehow… and I’ll note that we’re still somehow stuck on the topic of Elanor’s birthday!

Shade: *glumly* Believe me, I’ve noticed. I’m feeling increasingly tempted to rob all these people blind on general principle, and the hope that if they don’t have any more stuff to give each other, they’ll knock it off!

“Thank you,” she responded.

“Today was my twenty-second birthday,” he told her.

Shade: …what’re the odds! *facepalms* Are we going to have a party for him, too?

MG: So… for one, we don’t know Eldarion’s exact birthday canonically. I suppose it could be so close to Elanor’s, though there’s no indication if so. What we do know, however, is that Elanor was born in the last year of the Third Age, TA 3021. Eldarion, however, was born in the first year of the Fourth Age, which was the year after that! So, he should be about a year younger than her, not older. I’m not sure if it was a deliberate choice on Polychron’s end to change this, or if he just flipped their birth years by mistake. Either way, giving it a point.

Loremaster’s Headache: 94

“Oh!” she cried, looking at her unopened gift. “I should have remembered. Happy Birthday!”

“Happy Birthday!” Alatar exclaimed.

Shade: *facepalms, again*

The hobbits echoed him, shaking Eldarion’s hand.

“I feel bad we didn’t bring you a present!” Elanor told him.

Kasanari: Once again, don’t you come from a culture where people give presents away on their birthdays? Though I suppose demanding Eldarion give you a present would be rather crass, wouldn’t it?

Loremaster’s Headache: 95

“Your friendship is the best gift I could have asked,” he said, smiling. “I wonder what Celendrian, Elerith and Brindil would say, hearing how they inspired your courage.”

Shade: *splutters* What courage? All she’s done so far is leave home on the advice of a very sketchy and suspicious wizard. She’s not accomplished anything, or even been in any danger, yet! It was her parents who got attacked on the road, not her! Is Polychron forgetting what he wrote already? Four help us all…

“They’ll think me foolish,” she told him, looking away. “I’ve thought the same thing myself, too many times to count, these last two days.”

Kasanari: …I might say that I’ve thought the same about you myself, but I have tact, so I’ll refrain.

Shade: I won’t. You ran off after a wizard you know nothing about, on a quest you know nothing about, where your only contribution is your knowledge of a book, which you don’t know what it contains that might be useful. Not the smartest decision I’ve ever seen.

“You know my sisters better than most,” he offered.

Kasanari: When. When has Elanor had so much time to familiarize herself with the princesses, outside of their one meeting in the Shire? Surely, they have friends in Gondor who know them better?

“Yet I respectfully disagree. Like you, they wish to help, however they can. They will applaud your bravery, especially in the face of such overwhelming danger.”

“Thank you,” she told him. “But if the Orcelven are on the road to Gondor, which is where we were going, and worse awaits us on the road to Lindon, as Elladan and Elrohir seemed to think, where should we go or what should we do?”

“What can we do?” Theo asked.

Shade: Perhaps you all should have asked that before you ran off with the wizard, hmm? Even Frodo at least knew when he left the Shire that he was going first to Rivendell to seek the advice of Elrond and the faint hope the Ring might be safe there – he had a goal!

“There are many roads to Gondor,” Eldarion answered, “shown to me by my father, who knows them all. So I know more than most. But Alatar confirming Saruman’s Ring was one of Celebrimbor’s originals, which before now were only rumored to exist, and observing Estel wearing one of Sauron’s Rings, makes it clear the answer to your question, and the key to our predicament, is to gather these Rings and defeat Estel before he gathers them himself.”

MG: And so, to defeat his force with force of your own, and set yourself up on his throne once he’s fallen? Is that about the shape of it? So that the power will pass to you, and you can use it to order all things as you will, for the good that only the Wise can see? Funny you should namedrop Saruman this paragraph, because I think he would wholeheartedly approve of this plan! And it does seriously make me wonder just what Polychron thought he was taking out of LotR, if he thought this made sense as his heroes’ plan! LotR, which is a story where evil is defeated through the rejection of power, rather than the embrace of it, and it’s made clear that it isn’t possible to defeat the Enemy by using the Enemy’s weapon against him, and at best all you’d accomplish is to dethrone him and put another Dark Lord in his place? That LotR? And somehow Polychron has decided the best direction to go in a sequel to that story is to make it a McGuffin quest about gathering all the magic shinies before the bad guys do, so you can use them to defeat them in a contest of power against power (yes, it doesn’t outright say that the point of gathering the Rings is to use them yourselves, but that’s the clear implication of both the passage and the fic as a whole)? I just… don’t even know what to say about this, save that taken at face value, it would seem to imply the point flew over Polychron’s head so high he probably didn’t even hear the whoosh of air as it passed.

Rings-a-Palooza: 60

“How?” she asked. “We don’t know where they are.”

“Do you have the Ring which Alatar gave you?” he asked.

“I do,” she answered. Lifting the chain, she unclasped it and removed the golden Ring.

“May I try it on?” he asked, opening his hand.

Kasanari: Why do I have a feeling that would be a much more ominous line in the original work? Then again… *she glances up at MG’s previous comment*

“To my knowledge,” Alatar told them, “people have never shared Rings of Power.”

“That’s not a good reason for us not to,” she said, handing Eldarion the Ring.

MG: I mean, from the way Gandalf describes it, it’s not just some sort of etiquette that keeps people from sharing Rings of Power, but the nature of the Rings themselves. They’re… possessive. Gandalf’s explanation makes it pretty clear that that it’s the Ring’s will in such matters that’s the defining thing, not the bearer’s. We see that with the One, which both exerts a terrible fascination in the people around it but can also slip off the finger of a wielder it doesn’t want to go with of its own volition. The Seven and the Nine are implied to be similar; even the Three, which weren’t corrupted in the same way, don’t seem to be something people just casually played hot potato with (the only case we know of one of the Three passing to a new bearer without the old bearer dying first – and after Celebrimbor initially distributed them - was Cirdan giving Narya to Gandalf, and it’s pretty heavily implied Cirdan only ever saw himself as Narya’s temporary keeper, not its true wielder). The Rings of Power – even the Three – are in Gandalf’s own words perilous. Middle-earth isn’t a setting where you casually mess with magics this potent!

Loremaster’s Headache: 94

Take That, Tolkien!: 10

“Why do you want to put it on?” Fastred asked.

Shade: Because it’s powerful and shiny and attractive to people? Why wouldn’t he? It’s, like, the defining feature of these objects that people want to have them and use them!

“To see if I can access its power,” he answered.

Kasanari: Why do I have a feeling that if it was Gandalf and not Alatar in the room, he’d be warning Eldarion about why this is a very dangerous idea?

“What if it’s an evil Ring?” she asked.

“The Rings corrupted by Sauron were adorned with precious gems,” Alatar reminded her. “Except the One, which your father unmade in the fires of Mount Doom.”

MG: I mean, that part is true. The Three, the Seven, and the Nine all had “their proper gems;” the One only had the inscription on it, and that was only visible when it was heated (as I believe I noted in my TLR sporking, Sauron never intended the One to be displayed publicly or to leave his possession, so he presumably felt no need to make it look fancy). On the other hand, we still only have Alatar’s word that these other rings Celebrimbor supposedly made aren’t dangerous in the way the later Rings of Power were.

Eldarion felt the weight of the Ring, then examined it closely, looking for runes and considering the dangers. He looked around at his companions apprehensively. Going over the arguments in his head, he decided. Putting it on the third finger of his left hand – he vanished.

Elanor’s mind struggled to accept, where one second ago there stood before her eyes a Man, there now appeared empty air. Without thinking, she reached out and her fingers touched something she couldn’t see. She yanked her hand back as if stung. “Oh!”

“Ah!” Eldarion gasped. He reappeared bent over with his eyes closed. Fighting to catch his breath, he held his body rigid with the Ring clutched in his fist.

Shade: *bemused* Is Eldarion having a seizure? I don’t think even the One Ring caused that! Perhaps he should have a physician look at him – preferably after he punches the wizard who said it was safe!

“Are you alright?” Alatar asked. He put one hand on Eldarion’s back and straightened it. With the other, he lowered him to his chair.

Kasanari: …he quite obviously is not all right, perhaps asking him what happened and what he experienced might be wiser? *looking down* I see the halfling child has realized that, at least!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 32 (for Eldarion’s and Alatar’s recklessness)

“What happened?” Elanor asked.

Eldarion sat still, taking a deep breath. Slowly, he lifted his head, straightened his back, set his arms on the armrests and forced himself to relax. His breathing slowed. The tension in his body lessened and he opened his eyes. “I could still see you: the shock on your face. And I could still hear you. Perhaps I could hear an echo of your thoughts. I was half-in, half-out of the bright world of Valinor and… I… felt suffused with light. My memories began to open before me like a scroll.”

Shade: Four help us, the boy was hallucinating. I’ve had trips like that; best to sleep it off.

MG: And I’ll note that while Valinor was removed from the physical world and onto its own plane after the Downfall of Numenor… it’s still a place you have to physically travel to reach, you can’t just astrally project there! It’s also not the same place as the “wraith world” the Rings of Power let their wearers see into, though later explanations indicate that this is a deliberate difference in how Celebrimbor’s rings function (which still doesn’t make a lot of sense, and feels like it’s just making them more special).

Loremaster’s Headache: 95

Take That, Tolkien!: 11

He opened his fist and looked at the Ring, “I saw all the events of my past more clearly than when I first experienced them. With this Ring induced ability to ‘see,’ I saw things in the past that had been invisible to me: Rings of Power on my father’s hand, my mother’s hand, Elladan and Elrohir’s hands, my great-grandfather Celeborn’s hand, and on his councilor, Gildor Inglorion’s hand. There was even one on Prince Elboron’s hand!”

Shade: *stunned* Oh for the gods’ sakes! *facepalms* Is there no end to this nonsense! Enough is damned well enough!

MG: For the gods’ sakes (or perhaps in Arda, for the Valar’s sake) is right! And it’s minor, all things told, but Gildor wasn’t from Lorien; Frodo met him in the Shire, and Tolkien’s notes indicated he probably lived near Rivendell. He wasn’t from Lorien and wasn’t a councilor of Celeborn (and he probably left Middle-earth on the same ship as Frodo, so he wouldn’t have become Celeborn’s councilor since then).

Rings-a-Palooza: 67 (that’s seven new rings, everyone!)

“For rare and mysterious relics,” Theo told Fastred, “these Rings seem suddenly, strangely common.”

Kasanari: Thank you, Theo. What does it say when the characters in the story are already pointing out the story’s plot holes?

“I – agree,” Eldarion said. “I… do not understand, why everyone I – oh… no.”

“What is it?” Alatar asked. He stepped closer, “What do you see?”

MG: *groans* A very stupid and random revelation about one of the fic’s other main antagonists (other than Estel Edgelord, that is…)

“In my memories of my stay in Ithilien, visiting Elboron and Niphredil,” he answered. “On the hand of Glorfindel I saw, I mean, I finally see… another Ring.”

MG: *mildly* This is, I believe, the very first time in the whole fic Glorfindel has been mentioned by name, which is… unfortunate, considering the revelation that we’re about to have dropped on us.

Rings-a-Palooza: 68

“So…?” Fastred asked. “How is this one different from the others?”

Shade: Beg pardon, but weren’t all the Rings of Power unique? Even the ones that came in sets don’t seem to have been all identical. Of course it was different!

“Most of the others were smooth bands, unadorned by stones,” he answered. “Yet within them all, I could see the light of Valinor shinning from the Tengwar script written in ithildin on the outer bands. Glorfindel’s Ring bore a black Star Sapphire stone and it glowed with a harsh red light. The runes were Elvish, but the writing was Barzhûrk.”

Kasanari: …something tells me that if the corrupted Rings of Power had been obviously evil to people with enhanced supernatural sight, Sauron’s trap would have never worked in the first place, would it? *sigh* But, I suppose Polychron knows nothing of subtlety.

Shade: *muttering* You’re just now noticing that?

“What’s Barzhûrk?” Theo asked.

“The name in its own tongue, for the Black Speech of Mordor,” Eldarion answered.

MG: Now, in canon, Tolkien provides us with relatively little of the Black Speech, outside the Ring Spell and a few other fragments. We don’t, to my knowledge, know what the Black Speech word for itself was, so I guess “Barzhûrk” works as well as anything. It seems to have the same root as “burzum” (darkness) and Lugburz (Barad-dur, the Dark Tower) at least.

“What does that mean?” Fastred asked.

Shade: Oh, let’s see, it glows with a harsh light, it has a gem like the rings Sauron corrupted, it has words written on it in a language used for, among other things, evil magic… I think you can damned well guess what it means!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 33

“It means,” Alatar answered, “that the powerful and immortal Elven Lord Glorfindel wears a Ring of Power forged by Sauron, and has doubtless Fallen into treachery and Darkness.”

MG: So… yeah. If you’ve not put it together yet, that nameless corrupted elf-lord mentioned back in chapter three, the one who was in Mordor at the same time as Frodo and Sam and meant to waylay them and take the Ring… that was Glorfindel. And, on the one hand, that does explain some of the questions around that plot point – Glorfindel was at the Council of Elrond, he was privy to the creation of the Fellowship and knew what their mission was, and he’s someone who Frodo and Sam would trust, all of which makes his plot there make a little more sense. On the other hand… what.

Okay, so Glorfindel is a character who gets a decent amount of attention in fandom, in my experience, but his actual role in the published books is… pretty limited. In the Sil, iirc, he appears on all of one page, where he died killing a Balrog (which may not sound like much until you realize it makes him one of a grand total of three people in Middle-earth known to have killed a Balrog one-on-one, the other two being Ecthelion of the Fountain, and Gandalf – all three were mutual kills). He then appears in LotR as the elf-lord who escorts the four hobbits and Aragorn on the last stage of their journey to Rivendall, sits on the Council of Elrond, and is considered but rejected for the Fellowship (Elrond seems to have wanted to include someone powerful instead of Merry and Pippin for the last two slots, but Gandalf shot him down, pointing out that great power is of limited use on this mission, and even someone like Glorfindel isn’t strong enough to fight his way into Mordor on his lonesome). He also appears briefly in the Appendices in the historical account of the final war with Angmar, where he seems to have been powerful enough that the Witch-King retreated from the field rather than risk a confrontation with him, and he was also the one who delivered the prophecy that the Witch-King wouldn’t fall by the hands of a man. It’s even only in outside sources that it’s confirmed that the Third Age Glorfindel is the reincarnation of the First Age Glorfindel, re-embodied by the Valar and set back to Middle-earth as a messenger! However, I think that the nature of his minor but important role is itself part of what makes people interested in him, especially since he’s supposed to be extremely powerful and accomplished even by the standards of a prince of the Noldor (and even more so in his second life than his first; iirc, Tolkien implies that he was likely the third most powerful elf on the continent by the late Third Age, with Galadriel as number one and Elrond as number two, but that he mostly kept a low profile across the Second and Third Ages and didn’t throw his weight around much, leaving some opening to explore just what he was doing).

In terms of his actual characterization… we don’t get a whole lot, but he seems to be a decent fellow personally, and to have the wisdom and courage one would expect of a hero of his stature, and to never have been involved in anything nefarious. So him suddenly turning out to be an archvillain (and while he’s not the most powerful of the fic’s big bad ensemble – and I suspect he’d have ended up more of a Saruman than a Sauron, had the series continued - he’s probably the most prominent of the villains in FotK itself) feels completely out of left field. He is powerful, I’ll give Polychron that… but it still can’t help but feel like he pulled the name out of a hat. Why Glorfindel? Maybe he just got mad other people kept stealing his role in adaptations of LotR and finally snapped😉. Actually, we’ll be getting an extended, multi-chapter flashback to his backstory and fall to evil here in a few chapters, and it’s a big part of why I wanted to spork this fic in the first place, because it is bonkers. But from a purely narrative standpoint… like I said, this is the first time Glorfindel’s even been mentioned in the fic, and he’s immediately established as a traitor. Even in LotR, the hobbits might not have met Saruman, but we at least took time to establish who Saruman was and why he was so important before learning about his betrayal, so that it actually mattered! For another… yes, Eldarion just randomly learned this information as part of a hallucination induced by a magic ring. Yes, Polychron dropped a major revelation on us that suddenly and randomly (in a scene that wasn’t even about Glorfindel beforehand!). And it also introduces a problem the fic has with juggling all its big bads. So far, we’ve mostly dealt with Estel Edgelord as our main antagonist. And he’ll be sticking around for the rest of the fic, don’t get me wrong, but we’re about to be jerked off on a largely unrelated course where Glorfindel is going to be the most visible antagonist for a while… and in the last few chapters, even he’s going to get overshadowed by someone else. It makes it feel very disjointed. And sure, the different “books” (by the internal divisions) or LotR gave the spotlight to different antagonists (the Black Riders, Saruman, Gollum, the Witch-King, etc.) but they never lost track of how those guys related to each other… or that Sauron was the real, overarching antagonist of the whole saga! Polychron doesn’t handle it nearly as gracefully.

Kasanari: I’ll admit, that’s… a lot. And is it wrong that I’m mostly worried about why “Fallen” and “Darkness” are capitalized here? Just what is Polychron implying with all this capitalization of random words?

Feel My Edge: 31 (I think having a notable supporting hero from LotR turning out to be a villain merits a point here!)

Happy Ending Override: 10 (ditto)

Loremaster’s Headache: 96 (needless to say, Tolkien’s Glorfindel wasn’t evil)

Take That, Tolkien!: 12 (need I say more?)

Eldarion stood, “I must go at once.”

Shade: What can he say? Traumatic mystical visions can sometimes really make a man need to visit the little crown prince’s room, if you take my meaning.

“Where?” Theo asked, jumping up. So did everyone else.

“Elladan and Elrohir are riding to Rivendell to meet Glorfindel!” Eldarion cried.

“We’re going with you!” Theo said.

Shade: *rolling her eyes* Three halflings, untrained in arms and inexperienced in combat – you’ll be so much help!

“No,” Eldarion told him. “We dare not send another Ring of Power anywhere near one of the Fallen, whose heart now dwells in the Shadow of Mordor.”

Kasanari: Now “the Fallen” are a distinct category of being? When and why did that happen?

MG: I’m really starting to think that I should have included a count for gratuitous capitalization. As for Glorfindel’s heart now dwelling in Mordor… that may be a more apt description than Alatar knows! But more on that when we get to his backstory…

“He’s right,” Alatar agreed. “Glorfindel might sense the approach of Lady Elanor’s Ring.”

Loremaster’s Headache: 97 (just because you have a Ring of Power doesn’t mean you can sense Rings of Power… we’ve been over this…)

“If so,” Eldarion told him. “He would try and kill us to claim her Ring before we arrived anywhere near Rivendell.”

“I thought Rivendell was full of Elves,” Elanor said. “Can’t anyone there stop him?”

MG: Oh, just you wait until we learn what Glorfindel’s actually done with the place… it’s not exactly subtle…

“I doubt anyone there realizes he is a threat,” Eldarion answered. “I have just discovered it, only because of the unique abilities of your Ring. My grandfather Elrond ruled Rivendell and was the most powerful, but he sailed West to reunite with my grandmother. Of his stature, only Círdan in Lindon and my grandfather Celeborn in Lothlórien remain. Erestor, my grandfather’s former counsellor, still lives there, but he is not anywhere near as powerful as Glorfindel.”

Shade: Kid, I know you’re new at this whole business… but I think you’ve got a kind of rosy view of your mother’s people, don’t you? I mean, which is more likely… that nobody knows Glorfindel is a threat… or at least some people at Rivendell are in on it? Then again, when you consider what I have for relatives *she shudders* maybe I’m not exactly objective…

MG: I will say that yes, with Elrond gone Glorfindel is indeed running Rivendell now, and some of its inhabitants are voluntarily on his side, though I’ll have more to say there when we get there…

Feel My Edge: 32 (one of the nicest places in all Middle-earth is now a stronghold of evil, kids!)

“Eldarion and I must ride to Rivendell and aid Elladan and Elrohir,” Alatar told them. “But I fear Glorfindel may learn we’ve been carrying Rings. You three must go to Minas Tirith.”

Shade: So… three halflings on the road, with no prince, no wizard, and Estel and Glorfindel, and maybe some other baddies too, roaming around? That’ll end well…

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 34

“He already knows,” Eldarion said.

“He does?” Fastred asked.

“Now I understand the riddle of how an Enemy could know our whereabouts,” Eldarion answered.

“How?” Theo asked.

“Glorfindel has in his possession, a palantír,” he answered. “One of the seven Seeing Stones of Númenor.”

Kasanari: …I thought you’d only just now realized Glorfindel was a traitor. And apparently now you know he has a Palantir that I really think he shouldn’t? Did that Ring tell you more than you’re letting on?

MG: It’s not the Ring. What it is, is a massive wallbanger, since taken at face value it indicates that everyone already knew Glorfindel was up to no good, Eldarion included, and has known for twenty years, and they just… forgot that until it was convenient to remember it.

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 35

“Where did he get one of those?” Elanor asked.

“There is a final tale I must share quickly before we go,” Eldarion told them.

MG: And it, again, has some really WTH moments in it, so strap in, people, because we’re going places… very, very stupid places!

* * * * *

Legolas, Gimli and Glorfindel rode their horses to the docks of East Mithlond.

Shade: As opposed to riding what, exactly, their dragons? Did we really need to specify “horses?”

There the great white ship was being loaded for its crossing of the ocean Belegaer. It was scheduled to set sail along the Straight Road to Valinor from the Grey Havens, after the final passengers arrived.

MG: Maybe it’s just me, but “scheduled” makes it sound less like this ship is setting out on a journey through space and reality into the realm of the divine, and more like Frodo and the others are leaving on a cruise. Book your Valinor vacation at the Grey Havens today!

“How is Aglarond and the Palaces of the Glittering Caves?” Glorfindel asked Gimli.

“Magnificent,” Gimli answered, smiling. “I wish you could have seen what we have done.

Kasanari: Is there any reason Glorfindel couldn’t have seen what they’ve done? Did Gimli put up a giant handwritten “No Elves Allowed (Except Legolas)” sign?

MG: I’m wondering more about the timeline here. Yes, Gimli led a group of dwarves from Erebor to establish a colony in the Glittering Caves of Aglarond, but they’ve only been there for a couple of years at most at this point, which isn’t much at all by the scale of dwarves and their great works. It’s hardly Polychron’s worst offense on this front, but it does feel notable. Also, of course it’s a palace.

The renown of our cavern halls and bejeweled chambers does not do their beauty justice.”

“And the plantings in the hills of Emyn Arnen, in Ithilien?” Glorfindel asked Legolas. “The countryside, as well as the personal gardens of Prince Faramir and Princess Éowyn, blossom with vitality and color,” Legolas answered. “And the nursery garden of Prince Elboron.”

Shade: Nursery garden? Faramir and Eowyn are raising their infant son in a garden and not in their house? Or perhaps the garden is simply dedicated to him, in which case, why?

Glorfindel laughed, “It has been a very good year for nuptials and newborns.”

“Weddings and babies are the blessings of peace at the end of every war,” Legolas responded. “Long before the birth of Prince Elboron, Elessar and Arwen were blessed with Eldarion.

MG: *splutters* Long before? Canonically, Eldarion hadn’t even been born yet at this point; Frodo sailed West in TA 3021, and Eldarion wasn’t born until the next year! Arwen might well be pregnant with him already, but that’s it. And even if you do what Polychron seems to have done and swapped Eldarion’s and Elanor’s birth dates, that would still make Eldarion less than a year old at this point; he wasn’t born “long before” anything, certainly not by the standards of long-lived elves and dwarves. As for Elboron, I don’t think we have a canonical age or birth year for him at all.

Loremaster’s Headache: 99

Then Sam and Rosie had Elanor. Éomer and Lothíriel have since born Ælfwine. Pippin and Diamond have had Faramir, and Merry and Estella have baby Théoden.”

MG: Most of these people we don’t have canonical birth dates for, but Elanor was, once again, born before Eldarion, not after. And Faramir Took… was born in Fourth Age Year 9. Clearly Legolas has developed the gift of prophecy – he’s discussing babies who won’t be born for roughly a decade!

Loremaster’s Headache: 100

“It will be good to see Frodo and Sam, and Merry and Pippin again,” Gimli said.

“When do they arrive?” Glorfindel asked.

Kasanari: Well, they’re coming the last stretch of the journey with Gandalf, so I would say they’ll arrive exactly when they mean to!

“Within a week,” Legolas answered. “After Elrond, Gandalf and the Lady Galadriel.”

“Ah, the Lady,” Gimli said. “Most of all, I look forward to seeing again the Lady of the Golden Wood. Though it should not be, more than any other, she is the one I’ll miss the most.”

“There is no ‘should,’ when it comes to where the heart is happiest,” Legolas told him. “Nor any shame in feeling the love you feel for the one you love.”

MG: Okay, the wording is a bit awkward, but the sentiment is something I can actually see Legolas and Gimli discussing…

“So you say, my friend!” Gimli laughed. “But many are the curses and black looks I’ve received from my own people for not marrying and having sons. And for my unending and unrequited devotion to the Lady.”

MG: …but this I’m not buying. Not that other dwarves might judge Gimli for having unrequited courtly love for an elf; there’s enough bad blood between dwarves and elves that I can believe that fairly easily. But that they’re judging Gimli for not marrying… Tolkien’s writings on the dwarves indicate it’s relatively common for dwarves to not marry and have children. Some dwarves have their hearts so set on their first loves they won’t have anyone else; some are so engrossed in their crafts they never bother to start families; some just aren’t interested. And when you factor in how difficult it is to get a dwarf to do something they don’t want to do… yeah, there’s a reason the dwarves’ numbers only increase very slowly. Gimli not marrying because he loves someone he can’t have wouldn’t be terribly remarkable for dwarves.

Loremaster’s Headache: 101

“Your devotion is not unrequited,” Legolas told him. “She is most devoted to you. As much as any woman can be, to a Dwarf who is not her husband.”

Shade: What, are you implying Galadriel would be more devoted to Gimli if he wasn’t a dwarf? Racist. ‘Sides, I’m pretty sure Galadriel held Gimli in high esteem and all and he clearly impressed her when they met, but I don’t think she liked him that way. Isn’t she supposed to be happily married and all?

MG: Oh, just wait until we see what Polychron does with Galadriel’s love life later on…

Shade: *facepalms*

“Perhaps when she has sailed West,” Glorfindel told Gimli, “it will free your eyes to see the beauty of the women of your own people.”

Kasanari: Or maybe separation will just make Gimli pine all the more? And does it seem to me that Glorfindel is not-so-subtly telling Gimli to stay away from elven women and keep to his own kind? Racist, indeed!

“I envy you,” Legolas told Glorfindel. “My heart longs ceaselessly to travel West since hearing the call of the sea in Pelargir, but my duties to Elessar and Arwen are far from done.”

“Each in his own time,” Glorfindel said. “Valinor will still be there to welcome you.”

“I have the greater envy of you both!” Gimli told them. “You will both one-day dwell forever in the Timeless Land with the Golden Lady.”

Shade: I don’t think they’re going to be living with Galadriel? Isn’t Aman a rather… big place? I somehow doubt everyone is going to be piling into Galadriel’s house at all times, unless she perhaps decides to offer a permanent free buffet. That might do it.

MG: Also, canonically when Legolas eventually did sail West, he took Gimli with him. Not sure if Polychron is being ironic, or if he just forgot.

“No one can say for certain what the future holds,” Glorfindel said. “As for today, come. Let me show you the white ship that will bear us away.”

While giving them a tour, Glorfindel pointed out a wooden crate being loaded into the hold. It contained a custom made, shrouded and sound-proof box encasing the Elostirion-stone. It was one of the seven Seeing Stones, known as the Palantíri.

Shade: Dare I ask why the Palantir had to be put in a custom-made, sound-proof box for transport? Is Cirdan worried something is going to be getting out of it?

“Why send the Stone into the West?” Legolas asked. “It cannot be of any use in Valinor. The Palantír of Elostirion only looks west.”

Kasanari: The palantiri are communication devices, no? I believe there are palantiri still in Aman that never came to Middle-earth; it could certainly be useful for communication with those! Presumably, even in the Blessed Realm, people sometimes have cause to talk to one another at a long distance.

“I do not know,” Glorfindel answered. “Though I agree. Middle-earth would be better served if the Stone remained and some power bent it to look on other things. It is the King who has decreed the Stone must go.”

Shade: Glorfindel, friend, take it from a thief… don’t draw attention to your interest in the object that I think you’re going to end up stealing. That’ll just make you a suspect.

“I will have words with Aragorn,” Gimli laughed, “for sending away a priceless treasure I could have used to see the face of the Lady Galadriel.”

Shade: Okay, Gimli, now you’re starting to worry me. Are you just stalking Galadriel now? If so, maybe this is why she decided to sail West!

Legolas smiled, “He is Elessar now, my forgetful friend.”

MG: Yeah, but he’s still Aragorn too. Elessar is his regnal name; I doubt he expects his friends to call him that, especially when speaking informally among themselves. And Arwen, based on the Appendices, still calls him “Estel,” even… which is really awkward, considering what Polychron does with that name!

“I know,” Gimli said. “That’s what we’re supposed to call him. To me, he’ll always be Aragorn. Even Sam slips up sometimes and calls him Strider.”

“Long has it been since I heard Sam call Elessar by that name,” Legolas laughed.

MG: As far as we know, at this point Sam hasn’t seen Aragorn in person since they parted when the hobbits set out to return to the Shire! Of course, Legolas hasn’t heard him call Aragorn “Strider,” he hasn’t heard him call Aragorn anything!

Loremaster’s Headache: 102

“The palantír will cross the sea with Elrond. In Valinor, he intends to bend it to his will. He will use it to see Arwen and Elessar. It will allow them to share the life of Prince Eldarion. This has been a great comfort to both of them, easing the grief of their parting in Minas Tirith. It has also lessened Elrond’s fear of Arwen parting from Arda alone when she embraces the Gift of Men.”

MG: *rubs forehead* Okay. Based on Unfinished Tales and the Appendices, the Elostirion-stone is actively different from the other six palantiri of Middle-earth. They all communicate with each other; the Elostirion-stone doesn’t seem to be part of the same “network,” as it were – it communicates only with the “Master-stone” in Eressea (possibly other palantiri in the Undying Lands too, though the Master-stone is the only one of those mentioned), which is why it’s the only Palantir of Middle-earth that can look towards the Undying Lands, and why it can only look towards the Undying Lands. Tolkien never specifies to my knowledge how palantiri get synced up with each other, or if it could be changed or if it’s permanently set at their creation, but I doubt it would be something Elrond could just do that easily.

Loremaster’s Headache: 103

Early the next morning, Legolas and Gimli went hunting in the woods. Upon returning, they passed Glorfindel driving a large horse-drawn cart, covered by a tarp, out of the Havens.

“Where are you going?’ Legolas asked.

“I am on a secret mission… for the King,” Glorfindel answered. “I will return shortly. But please, do not mention this to anyone, until then. In the name of Elessar!”

Kasanari: *flatly* You’re on a mission from the King – who isn’t even here to give you a mission, being presumably all the way back in Minas Tirith right now. Perhaps you should have at least said you were on an errand for Cirdan?

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 36

“Very well,” Gimli agreed. “Neither myself nor Legolas will speak of this.”

That evening, Círdan hosted a feast for everyone sailing West, except the final scheduled passengers who had not yet arrived, including Bilbo Baggins, a Hobbit of the Shire.

Shade: Isn’t Eldarion telling this story to hobbits? I think Elanor and her friends know who Bilbo is!

Afterwards, the night grew dark as they loaded the last of their belongings onto the ship.

From deep within the hold, Elrond cried. “It’s gone!”

Everyone went running. Elrond was not given to outbursts of surprise.

MG: *Elrond* Thief, thief! Glorfindel, thief! We hates it forever! We hates it… forever!

They found him staring at the empty space where the crate containing the Elostirion- stone had stood. Legolas and Gimli were stabbed with the sudden fear that what Glorfindel told them outside the city might not be true. They reported their encounter and conversation.

Elrond was enraged, more furious than anyone had ever seen him. He announced that he was leaving the Company of the Ringbearers. Arming himself, he rode after Glorfindel to punish his treachery, determined to recover the Elostirion-stone and learn why Glorfindel had deceived Legolas and Gimli. The two of them, along with Galadriel and Galdor, rode after him.

For three days they couldn’t catch him, until he entered the Shire and came in sight of Gildor, Bilbo and several companies of Elves from the Greenwood, Lothlórien and Rivendell.

After stopping Elrond, Galadriel calmed him down and tried to persuade him to return to the Havens. He refused: not until Glorfindel was found and brought to justice.

Kasanari: I feel compelled to ask – Glorfindel just betrayed them all and stole a valuable and I believe, because of where it looked, even sacred artifact of their people. While Elrond’s explosion of rage is, perhaps, excessive… why is everyone else suddenly so calm about this? Why aren’t they all also determined to capture Glorfindel and get the Stone he stole back?

MG: Because then we wouldn’t have a plot. Seriously, everyone involved in this are so utterly stupid, and it really seems like the only way Glorfindel got away with any of this is that everyone inexplicably decided to let him.

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 37

Galdor and Gildor apologized to him, feeling responsible, as the only other two exiled Elves to return from Valinor with Glorfindel.

MG: So, this is an interesting bit. Canonically, Glorfindel was the only reincarnated elf the Valar sent back to Middle-earth as a messenger. Tolkien toyed with making Galdor one as well, but seems to have rejected it, mostly because Galdor didn’t actually do anything noteworthy enough to merit it – his only role in the story is to appear at the Council of Elrond as Cirdan’s messenger, with no hint he’s anything more than that. Gildor… I don’t think there’s any version of the story where this is true of Gildor. He seems like a good guy, based on his brief meeting with Frodo, but also a pretty ordinary person, to the extent such can be said of any elf-lord, without any particular remarkable history or abilities.

Loremaster’s Headache: 104

So they swore an Oath:

Kasanari: *mildly* One might think that elves old enough to remember Feanor might not do such a thing lightly; this is a setting, I believe, where hastily sworn oaths can have rather serious consequences…

they would stay behind in Elrond’s place, recover the Elostirion-stone and bring Glorfindel to justice before King Elessar.

Shade: And then for twenty years they sat on their asses determinedly not doing that, apparently. Welp, guess it’s the Everlasting Dark for them, then!

Accepting their Pledge,

MG: Pledge? With a capital P?



Elrond at last agreed to leave, not the least of reasons: his much loved and long missed wife Celebrían was expecting him in Tol Eressëa.

Kasanari: Celebrian has been expecting him, for centuries! I don’t mean to be heartless, but has Elrond considered delaying his trip slightly to see this business resolved? Especially since he was the one who was betrayed, and with how furious he was?

MG: Ah, but for all Polychron is ignoring the Appendices (and other parts of Tolkien canon he doesn’t want to use…) he seems to have decided that Elrond departing the Havens is an event fixed in stone that can’t be altered, even when he’s rendered the context around it unrecognizable!

Though stayed, he would not return to the Havens until Legolas and Gimli atoned for the part they had been duped to play by riding at once to Minas Tirith and informing the King of Glorfindel’s treachery.

Shade: *cracking up* Atoned, way to be melodramatic! I mean, I think Glorfindel’s lie was really obvious, and they should have recognized he was hiding something, but they also thought Glorfindel was a good guy and had no reason to suspect he was up to anything before that, and certainly not to think he’d just stolen a Palantir! The most they were guilty of was being stupid and trusting someone they thought was their friend; this makes it sound like they were his accomplices or something.

Legolas and Gimli protested to Galadriel. Leaving now would make no difference. They would miss Frodo and Sam, who they were expecting, and Merry and Pippin. Gandalf had sent for the other two hobbits and they were only half a day behind. It was their last chance to have a final gathering of all but one of the surviving members of the Fellowship of the Ring.

MG: And this just hits home all the more to me that this whole drama is supposed to be playing out during and around the fantastically bittersweet final chapter of LotR. And it just… doesn’t fit, at all. Tonally, in terms of plot, in terms of characterization… it’s fantastically out of place.

Feel My Edge: 33 (see the reason Polychron chose for why Legolas and Gimli weren’t at the Grey Havens!)

Happy Ending Override: 11

Despite their pleading, Galadriel would not overrule Elrond and Elrond could not be swayed. Aggrieved, yet confused and ashamed by the part they’d been duped to play, Legolas and Gimli rode away.

Elrond, Galadriel, Bilbo and the rest of their company turned around and headed west. In the distance, they saw Frodo and Sam. Before hailing them, they agreed to keep the theft of the Elostirion-stone a secret, as not to upset or discourage the hobbits.

MG: In other words, they had to do it in order to preserve the canonical events Polychron has shackled this plotline to, common sense by damned.

Weeks later, after hard riding and little rest, apprehensive as to what awaited them in Minas Tirith and what they might learn, they arrived in the throne room in the Palace of Anor, at the bottom of the tall stone steps below the high seats of my father and mother.

By all accounts, my mother was nothing short of apoplectic.

“How could anyone be so stupid!” she shouted from her chair, before the packed chamber. She stood, towering over their heads. “If Mithrandir and Elessar had not been on the Quest during the War of the Ring, would you have stood like idiots, while orcs kidnapped Frodo and Sam? Or perhaps – this is exactly what happened when Merry and Pippin were abducted!”

“Arwen – ” Elessar pleaded, reaching for her, trying to calm her down.

Shade: Why are you calling your father by his formal regnal name, Eldarion? Hmm, I suppose that says some things about Aragorn’s parenting, if you think of him as “King Elessar’ first and your father second (and why is Arwen calling her husband by that name, for that matter?).

She would not be stopped and looked down on Gimli. “I confess, I once believed there might be good in races other than Elves and Men. Now I see I was deceived!”

MG: *sighs, rubs forehead* Ugh. This. This scene. I mentioned last time that Polychron is kind of… weird about Arwen, and this scene is a prime example of it. The theft of the Elostirion-stone immediately turns her into a shrieking, irrational harpy while her husband just sort of sits there ineffectively, incapable of overruling her – this scene isn’t the only reason I included a sexism counter for this sporking, but it’s definitely up there. Why on earth is Arwen of all people melting down like this? Presumably, for reasons known only to Demetrious Polychron, but I find it intensely uncomfortable to read. And we’ve got shades of TLR’s elitist, racist Arwen, too. Because that’s just what we needed!

The Unfair Sex: 19

“My Queen – ,” Legolas began.

“As for you, ‘Prince of Elves,’” she mocked, turning her wrath on him. “I expected better than this! Though in truth, what can be said of an Elf who disdains his own people to spend all his time with a… Dwarf?

Kasanari: Perhaps the same as can be said for an elf who “disdains” her own people to marry a human, no? Perhaps in your situation you shouldn’t throw stones, your majesty. You are reminding me of certain elf lords I know by reputation from my own world. That is not a compliment.

The Unfair Sex: 20 (racist Arwen!)

There is little I can say… which gossips haven’t said. Unless – would you care to learn the truth of how your mother died?”

Shade: For the Four’s sake! Low blow, Arwen! Seriously, what in the Abyss was going through Polychron’s head when he wrote this? It feels like it all came out of damned nowhere!

MG: As for Legolas’s mother… Tolkien never says she’s dead; he also never says she’s not. She presumably existed (Legolas came from somewhere…) but doesn’t show up in either The Hobbit or LotR, so we don’t really know one way or the other.

The Unfair Sex: 21 (taunting people about how their parents died is generally a villainous act…)

* * * * *

“I can’t imagine how she must have felt,” Elanor said. “In a way, it was a kind of death. It breaks my heart that Glorfindel took the Stone and robbed Arwen of her only chance to share your life with her parents, and you from ever knowing them.”

MG: …you know, in addition to what I said earlier about how the Elostirion-stone seems to work, we also get a brief glimpse of Arwen and Elrond’s final parting in LotR. We don’t hear what they said to each other, but I think it’s made quite clear they were both expecting this to be the last time they ever saw each other, in this life or after. So, I certainly don’t think Tolkien was implying they’d be using the Elostirion-stone (presumably, together with either the Anor-stone or the Orthanc-stone, the two palantiri Aragorn still has; you have to have a Palantir on both ends to have a conversation, after all) as a cheat. Not to mention, now that we’ve had this flashback, it has to be said… what. Glorfindel is a traitor. Everyone important apparently knows Glorfindel is a traitor and a thief, and has known it for roughly twenty years… and yet Glorfindel’s betrayal is still treated as if it was a sudden and shocking revelation now? By Eldarion, even, who clearly knows the story? Just… just what? How the hells does this make any sense?

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 38

“I just realized,” Fastred told them. “Other people mentioned that the Elostirion-stone was carried West on the white ship with the Ringbearers. But Galdor didn’t actually say that. He only said the top of the Tower once held the Stone.”

“You have been to the top of the Tower of Elostirion?” Eldarion asked.

“We both have,” Elanor answered. “The statues and treasures are amazing. But I can’t stop thinking about your mother. Every one of your milestones growing up, every celebration and birthday, would have been a painful reminder of Glorfindel’s treachery.”

Shade: And yet somehow nobody actually did anything about it or warned anyone… in twenty godsdamned years. *shakes her head* I’ve seen plenty of stupid over the years, but you people take the cake. You take all the damned cakes.

“You are right about the depths of my mother’s grief,” he told her. “It knew no bounds. She forbade Legolas and Gimli from ever again setting foot in Minas Tirith. My father tried to ease her sorrow, but in this, she would not budge. My father has a special love for the members of the Fellowship of the Ring. I hear it whenever he mentions Frodo or Sam, Mithrandir, Merry or Pippin. Yet of Legolas and Gimli, until he told me this tale, I had never heard of their connection to the Fellowship of the Ring. I spoke with my uncles and they confirmed the story was true, yet they had nothing more to say. I do not believe Celendrian has heard this tale and I am certain Elerith, Brindil and Cetelina have not.”

MG: So… yeah. Arwen had Legolas and Gimli banished from Minas Tirith and then went above and beyond that by going full damnatio memoriae on them. Because Glorfindel passed them on the road, and they let him go having no reason to assume he’d stolen anything or done anything wrong other than be weirdly evasive. Just… just wow. Also, need I remind you that Legolas is a prince (and the son of a rather famously prideful and prickly king) and Gimli’s family are important in Erebor. Arwen should count herself damned lucky that the Mountain and the Wood didn’t go to war with Gondor over this insult!

Happy Ending Override: 12 (needless to say, Tolkien gives no indication Legolas and Gimli ever had any sort of falling out with the rest of the Fellowship)

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 39

The Unfair Sex: 22

“Aren’t there other palantíri which can look West?” Alatar asked.

“My father has the Stone of Anor,” Eldarion answered. “It is not as powerful as the Elostirion-stone, nor the long-lost Stone of Osgiliath. None of them can see across the ocean. On the night of my eighteenth birthday, I learned many secrets my father withheld until my coming of age. He had me look into the Anor-stone. I saw Denethor’s hands – withering… in flames.”

Kasanari: …clearly, what every father wants to give his son on his birthday – traumatic visions!

MG: And… yeah, it’s not a question of power, so far as we know, it’s a question of “the Elostirion-stone ‘talks’ to palantiri in Aman and the other palantiri of Middle-earth don’t do that.” Which, again, makes me think Elrond’s plan wouldn’t even have worked to begin with.

Loremaster’s Headache: 105

Theo turned to Fastred, “This makes that awkward conversation I had with my father on my eighteenth birthday seem remarkably tame.”

Shade: …gods damn it, I laughed a little at that. Of course, compared to what my mothers put me through when I came of age, anything looks time (remember, kids… don’t get born into a crime family if you can help it).

“Why did Glorfindel steal the Elostirion-stone?” Alatar asked.

Shade: He left his keys in Valinor when he sailed back to Middle-earth, and now he finally had a chance to look for them?

“If my father knows, he would not say,” Eldarion answered. “We never spoke of Glorfindel again. I had only seen him once, when very young, visiting Elboron and Niphredil. We entered the chamber unannounced. Glorfindel was speaking to their parents. When they realized I was there, they became alarmed. I did not address Glorfindel and he did not speak to me. At a sign from his father, we left the room. When my father later told me the tale of Glorfindel and the Stone, at last I understood their strange reaction. Until then I had only known Glorfindel was one of the most powerful and combat honored Elves in Middle-earth, and living in Rivendell with a dwindling number of people. I never imagined anything as pernicious as him Falling to the Shadow! In the history of Elves, only Maeglin ever knowingly served Morgoth.

MG: I’d say rather that only Maeglin willingly served Morgoth. Morgoth certainly made a habit of enslaving those of the Noldor he captured, and sometimes he’d release them to act as his agents – they served him knowingly, but not willingly.

Kasanari: And apparently, despite knowledge of his treachery, Glorfindel still retains his reputation as an honored hero and is allowed to travel freely and meet with the second most powerful man in Gondor… whereas Legolas and Gimli, whose involvement with these events was tangential at best, were punished with exile and being erased from history. How, exactly, does this make sense?

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 41

But the Dark Lord and his servant Sauron have been vanquished. I cannot imagine anything that could turn one of the brightest and most valiant of the High Elves to the paths of Darkness.”

MG: *chuckles knowingly* Oh, just wait until we get the story of Glorfindel’s fall, because it is a doozy.

Shade: Well, that’s not ominous or anything…

“Did you ever hear anything more about the stolen Elostirion-stone?” Elanor asked.
“No, nor did I dwell on it,” he answered. “Other Stones were lost and have gone unaccounted. There are always too many weighty concerns and immediate dangers demanding our attention. We do not have time to ponder every mystery or potential threat ever posed in the long history Arda. Until tonight, nothing had distinguished this one from the rest.”

Kasanari: Nothing had distinguished… Eldarion, one of your grandfather’s closest friends and counselors, one of the greatest heroes of your people left in Middle-earth betrayed him and stole a valuable and sacred artifact from him. This was apparently serious enough that your mother had two of your father’s closest friends exiled from the kingdom and struck from the histories because they were tangentially involved. And yet finding and punishing the actual thief and traitor just wasn’t worth your parents’ time? What is wrong with you people? What is even going on here anymore? How does this even make sense!?

Shade: …I think I like you better when you lose your temper. You’re more genuine that way!

Kasanari: I try to keep it under control, but this… this deserves it.

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 43

“These questions must be put to your father,” Alatar said.

“How did Legolas’ mother die?” Elanor asked.

“If my father knows, he would not say,” Eldarion answered. “I believe he withheld this in deference to my mother. I had heard of Legolas and Gimli, yet their names had been said with such flatness, the tone itself communicated they were not worth discussing. I never connected them to the Fellowship of the Ring. In Gondor, the tale of ‘Frodo of the Nine Fingers and the Ring of Doom’ names seven members of the Fellowship, and tells their stories extensively, especially Aragorn’s and Boromir’s.

MG: I mean, to be fair, Aragorn and Boromir probably would get the lions’ share of the story in a Gondorian telling; Boromir was the Steward’s son and a beloved national hero, and Aragorn was the heir of Elendil and went on to become the king, after all! But otherwise… yeah, this is pretty direct confirmation that Arwen went full damnatio memoriae on Legolas and Gimli, over an honest mistake, and Aragorn never bothered to overrule her – all over a crime where, again, they’ve apparently been letting the actual perpetrator walk free and with his heroic reputation intact for decades!

Feel My Edge: 34

Happy Ending Override: 13

The Unfair Sex: 24

It includes a great deal about Faramir, Éomer and Éowyn, who were not members of the Company. Of course, the focus is your father and Frodo’s journey to Mordor. Theo’s father Meriadoc, called in the tale ‘Merry,’ and his best friend Peregrin, called ‘Pippin,’ play significant roles.

Shade: *mildly* I think everyone here knows who “Merry” and “Pippin” are, Eldarion.

Mithrandir, of course, is central. Especially at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields. The tale speaks volumes about my grandfather Elrond, my great-grandmother Galadriel, and of course, my mother. Yet it mentions without naming, an Elf and Dwarf were members of the Company, as representatives of their people.”

Kasanari: Excuse me, but earlier you said that in the official telling, the Fellowship had seven members, not nine. Now, you’re saying that the official version does mention an elf and dwarf in the Fellowship, and just doesn’t name them or give them any focus… which makes it nine members. I think whoever tutored the crown prince in mathematics ought to try again; it clearly didn’t stick the first time.

“But they saved our fathers!” Theo protested.

“If what you say is true,” Eldarion told him, “in Gondor, their deeds went unrecorded. I once summoned the courage to ask my mother about Legolas and Gimli. She refused to speak of them and said I must never mention their names again. Half my family are Elves, yet until I came to Bree, I had never met a dwarf and I have never seen a female dwarf. They have always been a very private people. In time, our dealings with the seven dwarven kingdoms has grown less. For most of my life, I thought this was because their numbers have steadily declined since the War of the Ring. Hearing this, I realized there was far more to it. ‘Beware a woman scorned,’ is as great a truth as any. I hope I die before I fall so far afoul of such a powerful woman.”

Shade: Thanks for that, Eldarion.

MG: Okay, yes, the dwarves are a fairly private people (though dwarf merchants, craftsmen and warriors certainly don’t seem to be uncommon sights abroad, even if they don’t mingle much). And LotR explicitly notes that dwarf women seldom travel abroad, and outsiders usually mistake them for dwarf men when they do, so it’s not unusual that Eldarion wouldn’t have (knowingly) met one (though just wait until we get Polychron’s explanation for why people don’t think there are dwarf women – spoilers, it involves rape). But I don’t think there was any indication the dwarves had turned especially insular in the early Fourth Age – rather the opposite, if anything. And, of course, Polychron somehow finds a way to blame all this on Arwen being a woman. Why.

Happy Ending Override: 14

Loremaster’s Headache: 106

The Unfair Sex: 26

“If Glorfindel has the Elostirion-stone and bent it to his will,” Alatar said darkly, “he could be watching us, right now.”

He and Eldarion shared grave looks. Their eyes swept the room and windows.

“Uh… I don’t think you need to worry about that,” Fastred told them.

“What?” Elanor asked. Everyone turned to him, surprised.

“What makes you say that, my friend?” Eldarion asked.

Shade: Let me guess – something random and stupid that hasn’t been foreshadowed at all?

“Well…” Fastred said. He looked down at his hands, twisting his napkin. “I promised not to say anything. But, with everyone sharing their secrets… I guess it would stupid not to.”

Shade: …and here we go…

* * * * *

Galdor led the Gardners and Greenholms from the chamber atop the Tower of Elostirion.

Together in a long line, they slowly descended the long winding staircase.

Kasanari: I, for one, am quite thankful Polychron told us they were in a line! Imagine if they’d gotten all bunched up in a narrow stairwell and sent one another sprawling, what a nightmare!

Except for Fasted, who stayed behind and tarried. Staring out the window and looking West over the ocean, he strained to see the line of the horizon – and whatever lay beyond.

Shade: *bored* What’s left of Numenor. Beyond that, Eressea. Beyond that, Eldamar. Beyond that, Valinor. What do I win?

“Seeing is not as difficult as some believe,” a voice said, from somewhere in the shadows on the far side of the chamber. “Often to truly see, all one must do is have the courage to look.”

Shade: Great, now I’m not going to get any sleep because I’m going to be kept up thinking about that all night. Why don’t these wise old sage types ever just say what they mean, anyway?

Kasanari: *very carefully refrains from responding to that*

Fastred turned, embarrassed he’d been caught.

Before him stood the bearded Elvish ruler of the Havens, the tall white-haired Círdan.

“I- I’m sorry, Lord,” he stammered. “I- I just wanted…” Círdan gazed past him, saying nothing. Fastred turned away, “I… should get going.”

“Many things can be seen by those who have the courage,” Círdan said. He lifted his long arm and pointed past the statues to the display cases lining the walls.

MG: …honestly, this is starting to seem less like a pilgrimage to one of the few remaining elven realms in Middle-earth, and more like a museum tour with a very melodramatic guide, which is far less interesting.

Kasanari: And I am wondering why it takes courage to look in the display cases. What have you been hoarding, Cirdan?

“What are they?” Fastred asked, stepping closer.

“Heirlooms of the House of the Ñoldor,” Círdan answered. “Where some prize only gold and jewels, in Lindon, we also value other things.”

Shade: Strange, considering I’m fairly sure there was more than one “House of the Noldor,” and also that Cirdan himself isn’t Noldor at all. Perhaps he simply kept all of Gil-Galad’s things after he died? *shaking her head in mock disapproval* How very tawdry of him!

“What’s this?” Fastred asked, looking into a glass case. It displayed a curiously broken spear of white wood, attached to a black metal blade.

“This is galvorn,” Círdan answered, “a spearhead crafted by Eöl, the Dark Elf. It was wielded by Galadriel, riding at the head of the Sindar when she saved Lindon from orcs.”

MG: Okay, so this feels like an appropriate time to bring up my thoughts on some of the more… controversial choices in the Rings of Power show, namely the choice to make the younger Galadriel primarily warrior-type character. I’m hardly going to wade into the depths of it here (and would remind everyone to please be civil in the comments, since this is a topic people seem to get passionate about) but… I think there’s some justification for it. Per some of Tolkien’s notes, as an adolescent Galadriel was well known for her athleticism (to the point that she was nicknamed Nerwen – literally “man-maiden” – in her youth for her tomboyish attitude and interests) and though she mostly sat out the worst of the Wars of Beleriand in Doriath, per some notes (and it’s worth noting that Tolkien was constantly revising her backstory and never settled on a version he seems to have been fully happy with) she definitely fought in the Kinslaying (taking the side of the Teleri, her mother’s people, against the Feanorians); and while Galadriel is primary known as more of a mystical character, based on what we know of how the elves’ “magic” works, I somehow doubt she was tossing around fireballs. So Galadriel having combat ability and experience is something I find relatively easy to accept and she could plausibly have once owned and wielded a spear (her relative Gil-Galad also used a spear, so we have precedent for that being a weapon used by Noldorin royalty); making it a defining aspect of her character is… iffier, but also rather beyond the scope of this sporking, since I’m not talking about Rings of Power and Polychron mostly goes in a… different direction, in terms of what he wants to emphasize with Galadriel’s history.

On the other hand… Eol was one of the great smiths of the Sindar, sure. He was also an abusive sociopath who passed his dark heart on to the weapons he made, most obviously Anglachel/Gurthang, and his works tended to come to dark fates. So, if I was Galadriel (especially considering Galadriel was a Noldo, a race of elves Eol despised) … I think I’d want a refund on that spear.

Loremaster’s Headache: 108 (Tolkien gives no indication Lindon was invaded by orcs, or that Galadriel ever led an army of Sindar to save it)

He didn’t understand, but liked seeing the treasures. He moved to the next. “And this?”

“One of the black Stones remaining after Aulë forged the Shroud of Túrin Turambar on the island of Tol Morwen,” Círdan answered. “It lies a hundred miles off the coast of Forlindon.”

“I’ve dreamed of sailing over the horizon,” he said, staring at the flat stone.

Kasanari: Yes, I think we’ve established that. Please don’t tell me Fastred stole the Black Stone. Isn’t one theft of an ancient artifact per chapter enough?

Shade: …speak for yourself.

“Perhaps someday you shall,” Círdan told him. He opened the case and lifted the small Stone, “The enchantments in this Stone keep the bones of Túrin hidden on the cliffs of the Cabed Naeramarth, high above the Teiglin river. One day, the Valar will raise Túrin from his grave to lead the final war against Morgoth. If his tomb was not concealed by the most powerful enchantment in Arda, Morgoth’s servants would have despoiled his remains, burned his bones and scattered the ashes to prevent him from one day rising to destroy their dreaded Lord. The black stones created by Fëanor and the Númenóreans are lesser copies of this Valarin Stone.”

“Is it like a palantír?” he asked.

“It is the opposite,” Círdan answered, lifting the Túrin-stone. “It will keep anyone who carries it and their companions safe from scrying eyes, whether crystal, water, fire or smoke. Not even the Palantíri can pierce the shadows protecting the one who bears a Stone from the Shroud of Túrin. Though long before you visit those shores, I deem you will have pressing needs. This should have gone to Frodo Baggins before the last War of the Ring, and a great aid it would have been to him. Alas, we did not meet until after his Quest.”

MG: So, uh… yeah. This part. This part is weird and doesn’t quite sit well with me for reasons I’d like to explain. For one… Turin being resurrected to fight in the Dagor Dagorath has precedent in Tolkien’s writings. He toyed with a couple of prophecies where he was brought back (albeit presumably by Eru rather than the Valar, who don’t have dominion over the souls of Men once they leave Arda and pass into the afterlife) to fight either Morgoth himself or (presumably also resurrected) Ancalagon the Black at the Last Battle. No version of this makes it into the published Sil (as I mentioned in the TLR sporking, Christopher Tolkien seems to have considered his father may have been moving away from the concept of the Dagor Dagorath later in life and removed most specific references to it) but references to it are scattered throughout the History of Middle-earth books. And the Sil does specify that Tol Morwen (the site of Turin’s and his mother Morwen’s graves, and where his sister Nienor is memorialized, though her body isn’t there) rose from the sea after the War of Wrath as an island and will remain inviolate for all time. However, I have to side-eye the idea that Aule had to create specific artifacts to shield Tol Morwen from hostile eyes. This feels more like a “destiny is in play” thing to me. Tol Morwen won’t be found and desecrated by the enemy because it won’t; to say that it’s only because it’s protected by a specific magic feels like it cheapens it to me, though that might just be a matter of personal taste.

And, pray tell, when exactly would Cirdan have had the chance to give one of the Black Stones to Frodo? So far as we know, he had no foreknowledge of the Quest for Mount Doom! At best, he’d have learned about it when Galdor returned and reported the events of the Council to him, probably weeks at least after the fact. At most, this feels like something Cirdan might have regretted not doing in hindsight, not something he intended to do but couldn’t (any maybe that’s what Polychron is implying, though I think the phrasing is weird if so). And I’m also kind of impressed that Feanor was inspired by these stones in his own work… which were made centuries after his death. Apparently, Legolas isn’t the only one to have developed random and oddly specific precognitive powers this chapter!

Also… the Shroud of Turin? Really, Polychron? Should we be on the lookout for the Holy Grail or the Lance of Longinus too?

Loremaster’s Headache: 110

“Is this the only one?” Fastred asked.

“There are others,” Círdan answered. “One was given to Princess Nimrodel by King Eärnur of Gondor, to hide her from the wrath of the Mad Vala, Ulbandi.

MG: And why on Earth was Ulbandi hunting Nimrodel, anyway? Nimrodel’s story, from what we hear of it, was a story of tragic, star-crossed love between her and Amroth, the king of Lorien before Galadriel and Celeborn. No Valar involved! Also, though we’ve had Ulbandi mentioned before, I believe this is the first time she’s explicitly identified as a Vala, not just as Morgoth’s consort (though, seriously, “the Mad Vala?” Because Melkor was always the very soul of reason, am I right?). Which also means that apparently there was an evil Vala active in Middle-earth as late as Earnur’s reign, about two-thirds of the way through the Third Age. I, uh, think people would have noticed.

Loremaster’s Headache: 112

The Unfair Sex: 27

Would you like a keepsake of great deeds and ancient days, so you will never forget the Elves?”

Shade: *doubles over laughing* Wow. Just… just wow. Fastred got literally handed a legendary artifact of the First Age for being in a place he shouldn’t have been. Just for no real reason at all, here, have this magic stone that protects you from being scried, maybe you can use it as a paperweight! *doubles over laughing again* Ah, to be so lucky…

MG: Yeah, I don’t even know what Polychron was thinking here, except that he had to get this thing into Fastred’s hand somehow so he just handwaved it. Or maybe he thought that since Cirdan gave Narya to Gandalf, he was just in the business of handing out valuable artifacts to passing strangers? Because either way… wow. I’m now reminded of Gollum’s lie about how his grandmother just gave him the One Ring as a birthday present, and Gandalf pointing out how absurd the idea of that was. I guess Polychron wasn’t paying attention!

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 45 (because it’s apparently what’s making Cirdan hand over valuable artifacts to random hobbits he barely knows!)

Not understanding, or quite believing, Fastred nodded and reached for the Túrin-stone. Círdan pulled it back. “This is not an idle trinket! If you accept this gift from Lord Círdan, you must keep it safe and always with you. You can never reveal to anyone what you possess, unless your life and the lives of those you love hang in the balance. This, I demand in return. Do you agree to this, swearing upon your Honor, with your Word?”

Kasanari: “Honor” and “Word” being capitalized here make this seem much more ominous than I think it’s supposed to. And how convenient that we suddenly have an explanation for why no one has mentioned this before! Did Polychron simply not want to go back and change what he’d written to justify this inclusion?

Fastred felt like running. But he couldn’t take his eyes off the Túrin-stone. He put his hand on his heart and bowed his head. “I do, my Lord. I swear.”

“Very good, my son,” Círdan said. Lifting a small silver locket on a silver chain, he sealed the Túrin-stone within, draped the chain over Fastred’s head and hid the locket under his shirt. “May it serve you in good stead when days are dark and only darkness is your friend.”

MG: Quite aside from that being a rather strange thing to say in Middle-earth (darkness isn’t always evil, but because of its association with Morgoth and Sauron it has rather ominous and dangerous connotations) is it weird that I’m suddenly imagining Estel as Bane from The Dark Knight Rises taunting Fastred about this? “You think darkness is your ally… but you merely adopted the dark. I was born in it. Molded by it. I never saw light until I was already a man… and then it was nothing to me but blinding!” *beat* Yeah. Probably weird. Moving on.

Fastred pulled the locket out, surprised at how light it felt. He opened it and touched the smooth black Túrin-stone. “Thank you, Lord.”

“Join your family, before you are missed,” Círdan said. Closing the locket, he hid it on the hobbit again. “Remember, you must keep this with you always, and a secret of the Elves.”

“Yes sir,” Fastred said. Strangely happy, he ran to join his family.

Shade: *shaking her head* Lucky bastard. Why don’t people just randomly hand me important artifacts, anyway?

* * * * *

“You never told me this,” Elanor protested. She looked at Fastred as if she’d never seen him before, even more surprised than she had been meeting Eldarion.

Kasanari: In his defense, he was sworn to secrecy, with terms that would seem to be rather unwise to break!

“I never told anyone,” he responded. “I wouldn’t have, except, Eldarion made me a member of the Fellowship of the King, and… well, I didn’t think it would be right not to.”

Shade: Also, Cirdan told you not to reveal it unless you were in danger. You’re all in danger, so it seems plain to me you can reveal it, without breaking your oath. Knowing the legal loopholes can be important in my line of work!

“Well done Fastred,” Eldarion said. “Do you have the Turin-stone with you?”

He nodded. From under his shirt, he withdrew the chain and silver locket. Eldarion rubbed the metal links between his fingers. “This chain is mithril.”

“So’s the locket,” Alatar observed.

“What does that mean?” Fastred asked.

Kasanari: …if someone here starts explaining the exact nature and composition of mithril, I am leaving. We’ve had quite enough exposition for one chapter!

“It means,” Elanor answered, “that since our trip to Lindon, you’ve been the second richest hobbit in the Shire!”

Shade: I mean, that is true, and it seems like something I’d think of… but I think more relevant right now is that nobody can use magic to spy on you while Fastred is nearby and has it?

“What?!” Fastred shouted. He stared at the locket the way Elanor had stared at him.

“Open it,” Alatar told him.

He hesitated at first, then did so, very uncomfortable. Inside was a small, flat black Stone.

“Hold still,” Alatar said. He lifted his hand and closed his eyes. The light from their lamps dimmed. The silver in Alatar’s hat and robes glistened. “In his memories, I can see this was given to him by Círdan. But only because he is willingly sharing them. Otherwise, this Stone would thwart my strongest enchantments.” He turned to Elanor. “If you stay with Fastred and his Túrin-stone, the Enemy’s eyes will be shrouded: blind to where you are and all you do, as I deem they’ve been to us.”

Shade: …yes, we’ve just been over all of that. I suppose it’s nice to have confirmation. And who is “the Enemy” with a capital “E” today, hmm? Sauron is gone; is it Estel? Glorfindel? Thuringel? Ulbandi? Someone else we’ve not heard of yet, but is no doubt absurdly, comically evil because that’s all Polychron knows how to write?

“Perhaps,” Eldarion told Alatar, “it would be best, if Fastred came with us.”

“What?” Elanor and Fastred said together, looking at each other, and then Eldarion.

Kasanari: As harsh as it may sound, that stone is an extremely useful tool – I’m not at all surprised they would want Fastred to come with them, or at least let them borrow it.

“Wait a minute,” Theo said, holding up his hand. “With all due respects Eldarion, you are not splitting the three of us up!”

“Perhaps it would be best for all the hobbits to come with us,” Alatar told Eldarion.

“Good,” Elanor said, looking at her friends. “I’d rather we go to Rivendell together.”

Shade: Do the three of you even have a mission beyond “wander around following Alatar, using your knowledge of the Red Book to help him thwart various and sundry evils?” Our group had a mission (escorting some very obnoxious mages…) when we left Gate Pass; Bilbo and later Frodo also left the Shire with some idea of what you’re doing!

“I would welcome your company on the Road,” Eldarion told them. “It is not often I meet people and genuinely enjoy their company.

Kasanari: To be fair, my young prince, you haven’t terribly impressed me thus far, either.

I was not thinking a moment ago. I am sorry, Theo. If you agree to aid my Quest, I give you my Word – I will never allow anyone to split you up.”

Shade: Why is everything godsdamned capitalized? Are we ever going to get an explanation for that?

MG: Sadly, no, but the number of randomly capitalized words are indeed going to be steadily increasing…

“Apology accepted, Eldarion,” Theo said. He stood. “With that settled, let’s get going. The longer we stay where half the town knows where we are, the longer we’re in danger!”

Kasanari: Beg pardon, but don’t you all want to at least get a good night’s sleep before heading out to wrestle with the forces of darkness?

“Theo is correct,” Eldarion said. He rose. “I go to pack and will be ready shortly. Elanor?” He held out his hand. “Your Ring.”

MG: *sigh* And of course, Polychron still has his characters just casually handing Rings of Power back and forth to each other, something that explicitly cannot be done lightly in the original canon!

Take That, Tolkien!: 13

“You’re just full of surprises!” Theo told Fastred, laughing. He slapped his back and the two of them headed for the door.

Elanor reached for her Ring.

“Wait!” Eldarion shouted, pulling it away.

MG: Aha, this is more like it! *Eldarion*: It’s mine, I found it, it came to me! I won’t let you take my Precious away!

Shocked, everyone stopped. Turning, they all stared at the Prince.

Shade: Who suddenly bore a quite striking resemblance to Gollum. Small wonder they were shocked!

“What’s wrong?” Alatar asked.

Eldarion clutched the Ring and looked into the distance. “We cannot leave.”

“But you just said – ” Theo started.

“Why not?” Alatar asked. He stepped closer, trying to glimpse whatever Eldarion was staring at, “What do you see?”

Eldarion opened his hand and looked down at the Ring. “In the last of my memories from earlier in the Common Room. I just remembered seeing them under the influence of Elanor’s Ring. Someone here at the Prancing Pony is wearing another Ring of Power!”

Shade: …for the gods’ sakes!

Everyone: *facepalms*

MG: And I will say… it’s not Estel this time. Or Glorfindel. It’s a totally different and unrelated person with a Ring of Power! Isn’t this fun! Anyway, this chapter is where the fic really starts to fall apart completely for me. It’s been wobbling hard for a while, mind you, but these next few chapters are where it goes from “bad” to “unsalvageable, even without the lawsuit controversy.” First off, this is where it’s really clear we’ve got Rings of Power for everybody, I mean everybody, and our heroes’ will be focusing on gathering them to use them, nicely breaking the original LotR’s Aesop about absolute power corrupting absolutely into tiny little pieces. For another… Glorfindel. What did Polychron do to you, Glorfindel? I mean, sure, great heroes or admirable people falling into darkness is a theme of Tolkien’s work (see Feanor, or Saruman, or the Numenoreans as a people, Boromir stopping himself from going over the edge at the very end, even arguably Melkor and Sauron themselves) and sure, the Sil makes the explicit point that just because Morgoth (and now Sauron) is gone, that doesn’t mean evil is ended forever and there will always be new people ready to pick up where they left off and carry on their work, but… why Glorfindel, exactly? Making it worse is the baffling context where we have the movers and shakers of Middle-earth knowing about his treachery for decades and doing absolutely nothing about it, while Shrieking Harpy Arwen punishes Legolas and Gimli instead for no real reason, just… what. And then there’s the entirely random revelation of Fastred and the Turin stone. Taken individually, any of these plot threads would be bad… together, they’re just a firehose of nonsense, and the fic only gets worse from here.

Anyway, next time, battle comes to Bree, as Our Heroes get caught in the crossfire between rival evil forces… again. And Elanor gets perved on. Again. We’ll see you then! For now, our counts stand at:

Bigger, Louder, More!: 25

Expansion-Pack World: 12

Feel My Edge: 34

Happy Ending Override: 14

Linguistic Confusions: 21

Loremaster’s Headache: 112

Pervy Hobbit Fanciers: 23

Plot-Induced Stupidity: 45

Rings-a-Palooza: 69

Take That, Tolkien!: 13

Traveling at the Speed of Plot: 16

The Unfair Sex: 27