An Announcement

[masterghandalf]

Hey, everyone. This is a very difficult post for me to make, but it's also something that I've increasingly come to feel is long overdue. Considering both that this is Pride Month and the cultural and political situation in the world at large, I feel like this is something I can't stay silent about any longer. It's something I feel, for good or ill, I have to say, to be able to live with myself at all going forward.

Anyway, several years ago, after a bad bout of what I now recognize to be gender dysphoria, I started to question my gender seriously. For the first time, I articulated consciously to myself something that I think part of me had always been considering, deep down - the possibility that I might be trans. The more digging I did on the issue, the more I recognized myself in other people's stories, especially those of trans women who came out in adulthood. That summer, I was on the verge of outright coming out as trans myself, but I let myself get spooked and retreated back into the comforting idea that I was just "questioning" and didn't know for sure (though part of me always thought I was kidding myself). But now, with the rising tide of transphobia and reactionary politics both in my own country and worldwide, I feel like I can't in good conscience continue on that path. It still feels uncomfortable for me to outright claim a trans identity for myself, when I'm not out IRL and have taken no meaningful steps towards transition as of this writing, but I feel like I can say definitively that I'm not cis; I don't know if I can call myself a woman with a straight face yet, but I can say that deep down I've always known how intensely uncomfortable with masculinity and manhood I was, and that a part of me has always desperately wanted to be a woman, since long before I knew what gender dysphoria even was. And I've learned that similar feelings are where a lot of trans people start their journeys. I hope to be able to continue mine someday, as those who have gone before me have.

So... yeah. This is an intensely personal post for me and has been very difficult for me to write. You can consider it my official coming out post in this particular context, if you like. I wanted to write something like this a while back, when I was sporking Elminster: The Making of a Mage, to explain just why the Elmara plotline from that book did not ring true to me and why I was so bitterly disappointed by it, but I got cold feet and couldn't go through with it. But I've finally reached a point where I can't hold back any longer without feeling like a hypocrite and a coward. I would like to thank all my lovely commentors over the years, on here, Das_Sporking, Anti-Shurtugal and elsewhere I've posted, for being thoughtful and supportive and for helping to create an environment where I feel comfortable making a post like this. At the risk of sounding trite, you guys mean a lot to me, and thank you so much for your willingness to engage with my snarkiness and rambling about bad books and fics (and the occasional movie) over the years. Anyway, thanks to everyone reading this for bearing with me as I bare a bit of my soul to you all, and for being such a great comm. Your support means so much, and regardless of my situation IRL, I hope to be able to remain a part of this little corner of the internet for years to come.

Thank you.

Any hate speech or transphobia in the comments on this *will* be removed.
 

Comments

[masterghandalf]

They/them is still fine for now!